July 2025
June 2025
Respond ability
Response ability
.
Ive earned the right through my higher power; On my knees through; meditation prayer, new stories... sharing with others what THe universe GOd Jesus has done for me that day and the day before and before; and I am rewarded... I am rewarded with a new system responsibility; The ability to respond to my own life... That is the system Im interested in learning.
.
The only way forward when the gaps began to fill in and the universe fills in the gaps; suddenly I need some kind of system to make things work for me as I get better; and that system that Ive earned curiosity to look into is; Respond ability.. To respond; to response to something. When presented with something; I respond to it. I response to it. Its kind of like standing up for myself and fighting back or fighting for what I want... responding for what I want; for my life... its a learned earned thing. Impossible when I first started recovery process; all I could do in the recovery process; show up.
.
Im working with the universe on new stories for my life... and because Ive worked on resentments in my 12 step groups. I am left with no are area to focus on as the problem as; myself and my own dysfunction. However; to get to this place; one simply prays and starts and asks the universe for help... ( The Universe being; Higher-power-God- source-energy-Jesus-Amonachrista-sparticus-latiano-mopheioso-Godmose I-like-it-that-way-ess-Holy spiritus-Jesus Christ Christmas Tree; Give me more present-ess-God; box full a goodies!). ITs a long long journey for me... thats OKe...
.
Im now feeling a little safer to experiment by applying my own respond ability to
.
1. Music creation
2. Art Creation
NOTE: Still working on relationship PTSD problems; The universe has a hold; slowly bringing me through to the other side of the PTSD wall.
.
.
First love; Attracting a sociopath;
As I continue to do more work on my First Love; in order to get through her wall. Lets say the truth wall; and the PTSD wall... So; working on getting through my First loves Wall; As I continue; Im finding several new facts; And its all good; all work. Its like blindly trekking through a desert with no idea where the end is; but my spirit hooked up to GOd does.. and at some point Ill get closer to the other side of the dessert if I Just keep going.
.
More facts appearing about my First Love.
.
1. It seems she was a 100% sociopath who was 100% Playing me...( Its not personal). This means what it says. This was a game created by a sociopath. This was a stranger who saw me show up at her door step and decided to play me 100%. This sociopath had no soul or values or conscious or remorse; nothing! Its not personal at this point; Im just stating facts... Its more important to look at why and how I show'd up at this persons house..
.
2. Why was I hunting down a sociopath to have a relationship? And that is truly the scary part of this; and the part where Ill get allot of healing if I answer this. It seems to me I was running from my prior life; or dealing with it. I had lost everything and was in constant survival mode. And a giant force to run forward; run away into another land or environment to escape was upon me in a huge massive way.
.
Looking back; This behavior of running into the arms of some other family so I could survive; this had been going on from my birth... Why I was picking sociopaths for this assignment? I assume I was attracting families similar to what I had come from; but didnt know it!
.
I'm wondering why I didnt walk away from this person... Why I ever tried to add emotion to my encounter with this person. Why did I try to start a family with this person or jump into their family; This is completely insane.
Im wondering if I was not acting out PTSD at the time... I think that may have been a better understanding of it...
.
As I relive and rework what happened; This young female sociopath was simply playing me.. She had no interest in me because sociopaths dont have interest in any human beings.. THis could not have happened unless I stuck around! And why would I do that? What is or was the attraction; thats what really scares me and I have to keep working on. Maybe it was reliving fear and trauma bonding.. I had simply found another monster to take control of my life because the last ones through me away... I was trauma bonded to one set of psychopaths and broken of having any respond ability to my own life; Once thrown away; I go find another abuser to take control of my life and keep me in check through trauma bonding; And thus; I call this love. And this habitual pattern will continue from the day Im born onward. And Im looking at this... This is closer to the truth of what happened.
.
All of this work to cipher through the truth is helping me become sane again heading in the right direction and on my feet; that is the goal of my higher power. Its ongoing.
.
.
.
.
.
Connection; things are changing; things have changed;
.
Facing the most important things;
The gaps between facing my higher power; facing my first love experiences and facing music creation; lots of this is upon me. Spiritually speaking its over flowing; I'm over flowing into these new areas... Im flowing over the walls; Im absorbing through the walls over the walls... The walls are just concrete ledges that are not alive anymore and have no more power; they are old walls of an old age from the past!
.
Im a new creature wanting to bust through and bust out; and thats whats happening.... But Im not done with the past yet; still held. I dont own myself yet! The PTSD of the past still holds me.
.
Writing stories of new girlfriends; This has started. And writing new stories of music creation and performance has started; Well? Started writing stories about music creation; we will start with that..
.
Looking back; I didnt realize; but Ive absorbed through several walls that used to hold me. No gaps between me and those walls; Im over flowing over the top of them. However, psychologically; this is not true. My psych state has to catch up; months years; I dont know; Ill work with God on it; I think more trust in a higher power is whats needed here..
.
So its begun...
.
.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Electronz, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot]
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.218s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.71
Time : 3.218s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.71