July 2025
June 2025
New philosophies…
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So; Im acquiring an earned philosophy…
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Ive earned it working with God… So; when I work with God earnestly; I earn things; Like earning points…
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So; Ive made it up to speed thus far… this means Ive worked with God and group and recovery to a point of watching manifestations of things appear along the pathway Ive needed up to this point in the present concerning the recovery process and my rehabilitation.
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God has allowed me to open the door to sanity if I wanted to breach that school game… and I did or I have; I opened that door; stopped and looked around… I took a step inward into a new light… a new light of curiosity and sanity.
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IN THE PAST: IT WASNT THEIR FAULT: THEY NEVER MADE IT PAST MY BEHAVIOR>...
In the past in relationships; what really happened? My behavior was the problem. I was crazy and irresponsible; not correctly respond-able.
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This is important information that I was not response able! This is O so important. Its pure God; especially to be awake while learning it; to stay awake; and this has happened only with large amounts of human support and years learning how to share my feelings in groups…
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Way in the past;
When I met a new person; I may have appeared Oke at first; They were from a middle class background; did not have real problems with their parents are other people. Were secure and had a consistent foundation. They may have been solid or good in school; and did not lack financially. They were at least solid and adjustable workable and well adjusted in their middle class neighborhood school and environment. They'd been working with their parents about college after high school and developing at a good enough level for society.. to fit in.
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Those Im speaking of are in the first years of high school. 9-12 grades…. Somewhere close…
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I will meet these people. They are responsible… They handle extra curricular hobbies and interests; they are responsible Students… and so on… They are well adjusted and have a future… Well enough; Good enough to pass... I did not; and was not!
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What was I like when meeting these people;
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1. Trauma Class; Not the middle class…
2. Broken, survival mode., myriad of mental disorders do to trauma; severe problems; CPTSD; AVPD,. Agoraphobia; Clinical Depression at the time, Dissociative Disorder. DID…. And other problems. Drugs will start picking up from just random juvenile abuse.
2.1 Sex problems of all kinds because of sexual abuse. I cant get close to anyone. Dont know how to function or act; been demoralized.
3. Irresponsible. No respond ability in the school system
4. symptoms from prolonged sexual abuse and harassment and bullying.
5. No ability in relationships…
6. Losing relationships fast…
7. Dissociative no response to interactions with others; very much need a mental health unit and to be evaluated for long term severe trauma problems.
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And this list can go on n on; Non functioning to allow any people around me; work is impossible. And I don’t understand why no one understands or cares. isolated insecure desperate lonely alone... No self worth... nothing. No self esteem...
8. A feeling of being untouchable; lowest level in a Caste system… And Im completely delusional.
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So; Imagine now; Im going to travel to someones house to meet a regular middle class person who has been a middle class person all their lives and only associates with middle class people; solid middle class people or upper level popular middle class people; and at times verging on levels of privilege at certain venture points… wealth does show up as a foundation of security…
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Im sick destroyed; mentally gone. Lonely; desperate for any levels of love; cannot function. And Im going up to a middle class homes; to meet people my own age; people in the High school age groups….
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What can I expect…
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Well; Here is what really happened. Im completely delusional and desperate and insecure; Ive had no family who loved me and parent guidance; Ive been completely ignored. And many other bad bad things dealing around with neglect or contempt and hatred toward me; Like Im worthless nuisance that should die or leave. Like an insect in someone else's home; not wanted… Or that is an inconvenience and should be spattered on a window shield.
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So; in a state of needing so much love and a friend on my side; anyone; Im completely beat down way beyond zero level; Way into sub levels.
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I meet these new people at their homes. They never said they wanted to meet me; its a surprise.
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Who are they hoping to meet; probably someone like themselves who are in their own world… Not someone like me. Who are they expecting to meet? Someone like themselves.
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What happened; I was OKE for the first introduction; but after that; I will become aloof, antisocial, dysfunctional when meeting these people again; shy; withdrawn; maybe fake trying to cover up things…
I will not be able to respond to anyone socially or physically… I cant get close to people and I cant tell them why… Ive not been to therapists yet and all I can do is stay silent about what Ive gone through; I have no voice anymore; nothing… This being the tip of the iceburg. No functioning in the school system. Zero!
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So; what will be the first problem dealing with others; these middle class people; well; I will shut down and go dissociative; and they will not understand. I will want really deep meaningful relationships with them because Ive been so destroyed; They will not understand. I will be extremely serious and more developed when dealing with hardships; social hardships then they! They will appear shocking to me; almost spoiled…
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If I develop relationships with them; if I can get that far; I will suddenly have no maturity or ability to respond. I will be like a child; a helpless throw away child… I will revert back into childhood. I will run away...
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IF they try to get close; intimacy; Impossible. I might really want it; or a relationship of intimacy; impossible…
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I will not know its impossible for me to have intimacy; I want so badly to have a relationship with someone but I will not be able to go any further! I will be stopped by a wall 100 miles thick with defense; a defense to protect me I have no clue how to over come and no control over; nothing…
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Finally; AVPD; Avoidance personality disorder; Ill shut down around them almost completely; and never show my feelings or speak about where Im at inside; and finally run and hide and never come back…
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MIDDLE CLASS PERSON HANDLING ME;
How will they handle the situation. They will not understand why Im not responding to their requests to get closer to them or move a relationship any further…
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I look like them and dress half way normal at the time; like they do…. But Im not acting right… Im not acting like any human being...
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If I cant get physically close to them; say its a women who is interested; They will laugh in my face; tell their family Im immature and their middle class family will laugh in my face and not take me seriously anymore.
Im like a suitor who came to date their daughter but doesn’t follow through; and it appears Im immature and scarred and thus Im not taken seriously anymore; im laughed at with contempt and basically not wanted their anymore… they have no respect for me now……. And they want me gone! And to stop wasting their daughters time and their families time.
They may have started asking the questions of; “ What is this guy doing here at our house”….. “ Why is he here and why has he been coming here”. I did not function...
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WHAT IS MY RESPONSE to these middle class people;
"I will get disgusted at their immature view of me; "cant they understand Im a serous destroyed person who needs help". Why would they judge me so shallowly… Now; Im made sick by these shallow crude people; I want nothing to do with them… Im leaving and never going back to that house again…
Im heartbroken. Just one more group or family of people that didn’t want me. And one more friend that did not want to be my friend or one more girl who sees nothing in me… nothing; has nothing but disrespect and a morbid contempt for me."
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SO: WHAT IS THE PROBLEM HERE?
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My Part;
Respond ability ; Impossible
Response ability; Impossible
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Likelihood of a relationship; Impossible
Likelihood of friendship Impossible
Likelihood of normal interaction; Impossible
Likelihood of “ Fake it till I make it”; Impossible.
Likelihood of physical intimacy; Impossible
Likelihood of trusting to speak up about what is wrong with me; Impossible!
Likelihood of trusting anyone or anything; Impossible.
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Problems with others at that time?; I have crazy and dysfunctional behavior… I could not have or sustain any level of relationships with anyone because of dysfunctional behavior.. Its almost laughable. Its not; but I mean; it is… it will never be possible for me to function at any level with anyone… And that is something I have to come to grips with… It will be years in the recovery process before Im even diagnosed more specifically. Ill be put on social security first after being homeless later in life. So; I mean; Im trying to give these middle classr’s a break…
I will not be able to ever trust any of these kinds of middle class ( monsters?) ever again.. I just wont… I wont be able to; they are murder’rs. Fair enough… Ill stay away from them during my life time; but still; its unbelievable what these people are… regardless of my condition… But thats not what this story is about today… My behavior problems will cause problems getting close to people.
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The point is; My behavior is irresponsible. Im not present enough to respond correctly in order to create or develop relationships; blaming anyone else or even going that far is not worth it anymore… I could not respond to anyone; and when I did; it was so erratic fearful scared bashful and bizarre; people finally started walking away from me in concern. No one wanted a relationship with me at that point and no one was interested in why I was acting so aloof or strangely… Finally they walked away and never came back or wanted me or wanted me to come back. I blamed them for this. However, was I ever really myself around them to start with; No! Was I my real withdrawn; Yes; Did I explain my position in life; No! Did they come to me or I go to them? They did not come to me; they did not attempt to start a relationship with me. I went to them and I tried to start relationships with them; and the result; I freaked out confused many scared people. People did not want me around them anymore for any reason. Girls did not want me visiting anymore and would rather forget they ever knew me or associated with me. I was a scourge to the middle class people. Like I really care? I don’t!
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There would be no way possible to win over or smooth my way in or charm middle class people because I was not one of them. They did not understand the human tragedy I was in. They could care less because they were not qualified to care… I mean; they were not trained nor did they or would they have the understanding or resources available to deal with my traumatic background…
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They were never looking for someone like me nor would they want someone like me to stay around them once they met me. They would want me gone in an instant… And that's exactly what happened.
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If I add in; they were crude spoiled and maybe mean and spoiled people; this will make the whole of the experience supper bad.
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My behavior was not responsible or respond able around these middle class people; thus; because I did not follow any appropriate normal social rules around people; They took a negative bewildered view of me and would have really not wanted to have ever met me in the first place. They did not feel safe around me.
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Did any of these middle class people like me; NO! Why? They could never get past my erratic behavior. They could not deal with my irresponsible behavior and thus a kind of wall came up between me and them. And a misunderstanding wall; They innocently did not understand me. And thus; they responded to me in this way… At some point they wrote me off as a stranger and one they really never wanted to interact with again… They were busy getting on with their lives and didn’t care what happened to mine. I vanished and never saw them again! They never saw me again.
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What can I learn;
When I become responsible and act accordingly to whats acceptable socially; I just might make some break throughs. No one owes me anything.
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How I act around people will determine if they feel like continuing a relationship possibility.
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No one ever got past my behavior! They finally in concern for their own future and well being; left! And their it is… And this will happen almost every time… it seemed…
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The PTSD; Dissociative disorder; AVPD… Agoraphobia and finally the clinical depression; I would not be able to sustain any kind of relationship with anyone at that point.. No one understood me.
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So; No way could someone get past my behavior… No way! And things ended quick…. And thats the way it was…
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Even in the beginning of my life when I should up at some kids door who lived down the street; they wondered what I was doing their… I knew I was a great person; but they saw very little or nothing in me or my talents intelligence or abilities. I never knew they wanted nothing to do with me from the start; they thought I was trash.
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When I was young; maybe in a different life; I would have been more selective of who I associate with.. I just went with my feelings; they did not pan out! I ended up around super snobby spoiled people… I didn’t know! I mean; I just didn’t know until much later God helped me understand who I was dealing with and what happened to me.
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ITS WAS MY FAULT: MY BEHAVIOR;
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The behavior problem starts with ever going to some middle class home in the first place for help or companionship! That is the dysfunctional behavior.
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I needed agencies and therapists and mental health units.. I did not need to meet people in those neighborhoods. These people did not know what to do with me! And they did not understand what I wanted with them? And many thought they were to good for me… They were horrified I was at their homes and thought of me as inferior… I did not have a clue this was going on; that they thought they were better then me…
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In the end it wont matter because these are not the people God would have sent to me for help…
In the end it wont matter because these are not the people I was supposed to associate with in the first place.
God would never send me to generalized middle class people… I would have been sent to special groups of loving caring and understanding people; probably people others don’t even know about…. Quit kind people living in their own spaces away from the general public…
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Im trying to create a concept here. My behavior destroyed all possible relationships with the normal people in the community. It was time I found other people… Im not from the middle class; Im from the trauma class and I was never understood.
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Music and Art creation; At some point as I rely more on being responsable to my dreams and interests; I realize its about my behavior attitude and character that will determine the outcome of my successful venture in a thing; if it is under GOd.... under GOds care... And I must have a recovery team on myside and I like to write stories about my future... as if Im in that future story winning... praying on my knees and meditation.
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The point of this writing is to indicate that no one is responsable for my F__k_d up behavior. One cant simply expect untrained people to respond to my needs. I must stop expecting things from them; go somewhere else where its proper and qualified people are willing to help.
Our partner
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