July 2025
June 2025
Something is different then before.. I have God... I have the recovery process. I also know something of what is wrong with me... and something in general of what happened to me. My mental health is better? I mean; way better then the condition I started with years ago; The symptoms; Still problematic tho...
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Im actually waking up from dissociative disorder and what caused it and its not easy feat to deal with looking strait at the causes and re feeling the horror of what put me in this situation in the first place.
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I was watching a video tonight; a video serious; mainly about lost teenage women when young who come from broken abusive throwaway home situations and the horrible damage the abuse caused. And how these women would leave the home and wonder around looking for anyone to love them; and how they would find a charming guy who would gush over them and treat them like a best friend and such... and groom them in only to use them and send them to a much worse place then they started. For Love; the girls end up doing crimes with the guy landing them into prisons... They never had a chance.
The exact same thing happened to me. Same thing; I ended up seeking any kind of love outside the housing situation I was in; I would find or did find people I thought wanted and needed me and loved to have me around; only to find I was being used the whole time after I fell for them. For those using me; it was all a game from the start; thats all it was... They would never be seeing me again and had no intention of having any kind of real relationship with me; they had groomed me and set me up where I believed they were my friend or they could be trusted.
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I was shocked watching these videos about these throw away teenager women; because the stories were so much like mine. It actually hurt to watch but it helped me... Im so sorry they ended up with battered destroyed lives and in many cases I guess; they will never be leaving prison; all for some worthless thug guy that set them up... In my cases it was somen girl playing the role of an innocent "Pollyanna
an excessively or blindly optimistic person
Pollyanna syndrome, the name being taken from a book of the same title, means “an excessively or blindly optimistic person.” The occurrence and danger of such attitudes in psychotherapy is discussed". From the Net!
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She was faking it the whole time; I never knew...
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So; I was set up completely; I was so desperate for love. I had no idea despicable people were out there just waiting for someone like me to come along so they could victimize and disfigure and demoralize.
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Im lucky I didnt end up in Jails; seriously... Many things I did not end up in or part of; but I was on the edge of everything and seeping over the edge. but here I am.
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Im getting better; but Im not out of it yet. Im feeling the pain of reality as it sets in... Im waking up and with it is pain and freedom... Im not alone; just finished a meeting; got a ride to the meeting and back.
Im trying to let go of the past; I think its working. God is slowly allowing me to see what happened and to understand I meant nothing to everyone; so no one misses me; there is no one to remember because they wouldnt have cared if I was alive or died the last day I saw them; I never meant anything to them anyway!
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NOTE: I realized now when I was thrown away; all of life as I would know it would be flipped over backwards; suddenly I was not part of a neighborhood nor had any friends anymore; I would be treated like an outcast throw away from then on and be treated by people as if they had never known me. I was be fully bullied and shocked by it and damaged and a throw away. I would try to act out the middle class role to fit in as best I could; but it never worked; I could even get started in it because I was not from the middle class I was from the trauma class. And in a state of constant horror and pain; it was like I was from another country; or a slave to the country I was from... And it will never change... Thank God I seeped a few years of middle class life out of the deal up to the age of 8. I did that on my own. I was still a throw away but because I was so young; people left me alone into my own world at which I could dream about my own future. Later it seemed liked everyone was trying to destroy me or ostracize me. I was not liked; I was hated... I was an outcast... and this will never change...
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And as an outcast; and I tried to make friends or be accepted; I was played and lied to. No one cared. I made the mass mistake of believing them; and thus I would be led on for months being played only to be completely dismantled at the end of these ordeals and thrown away by these people. Thus I never escaped anything. Its like the whole civilization was out to destroy me.
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Im slowly getting used to this.
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GOALS;
THe goal is to get on my knees about every heart acke and negative apposing thought that takes over my conscious mind and sends my focus back to resentment and hatred; Just keep it up; Get on my knees and Thank God over n over n over! Do this 100 times a day; just keep drilling into that sub concious mind by way of the universe that the universe make those changes.
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My goal is to wake up from the lies of the past and get over the co dependency that others from the past; if I let go of them I can still make it; I can re build my identity and be who God wanted me to be and not care about how they manipulated me out of my self identity. I literally sold myself to these people for love only to find out they weren't even human; I was just being used by extremely pathological liars and creeps; "What a let down"... Just being played. It didnt matter to these rapists what happened to me...
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Anyway; So; Im slowly learning to let go and come back to reality best I can. Meditation and new stories about my future...
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My goal is to keep working on these new stories about my life until I believe. I must believe first before I can see it... Thats the goal. Allow the universe to drill through the walls in my subconscious mind and let me out... Let me be free..
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Music creation; Im so damn glad I worked on the purpose of why I create music and how to create it on a daily basis; With this. All the problems Ive had with expressing myself musically; Non of this matters because Im not lost musically... I know how to start creating and why; God Universe brought that to me. ANd it was solved... years of work into that one subject... SO...
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Im not sure what keyboard to buy for my music set up; midi keyboard; piano like for hooking up with the computer to play sounds... Not sure which one. So; Im on my knees to have the universe align me... And I ll wait on that answer until the universe really aligns me completely and I know it.
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Alignment with GOd is the key!
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