July 2025
June 2025
So; I have some goals... and Ive found out some new subjects to talk about concerning my future.
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So; As I pray more and advance in my interest in life; I began to become aware of things...
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First; I was watching some musicians; and wondering how these wonderful professional musicians could pull off success. What was it about them. They are so young; almost as young as the great sized audience they were playing for... So; what was it; Well; " Dedicated"; I believed and felt they were dedicated... ...
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So; How did they get Dedicated. I believe it has something to do with family system. For those who interact socially correctly; they get perks from being in family systems; developing in family systems; trust and belief and support. People like myself were thrown away from society when young; becoming all alone... and disconnected shoved into a dream world to survive... I stayed this way and would have if I had no found recovery.
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Marriage; Lately; I thought about becoming Husband; And I thought; as I get better; Why wasnt I thinking about this when younger; Well; I was in survival mode and I was stripped of being a human being and I had no support. Long before I pulled away from any idea of being part of any family I would not have had a chance with the cards that were dealt me. I become isolated and separated from any kind of family systems out of survival needs; it was not safe to be involved with the monsters I was forced to live with. This caused a break between what those having success in family systems have and those alone in the world in a self made protect shell.
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NOTE: I began to dissociate like a little boy. I thought like a little boy and what they think about and how they think and I never came out of it... I was not able to go any further with my thinking. Thus; no car; no career, mo job no money no girlfriends no friends. no future!
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I could Never be married or with anyone or any career or anything dealing with a family system or normal life until everything I had gone through in the fake family system had been brought out onto a table and worked out somehow; And that would never happen; most of it was shoved down my throat and I was in a state of shock or freeze survival mode.I gave up on society long ago to ever care about what happened to me. I did not trust any part of society; what a joke! And thus I had no possibility of ever making any changes... or coming back to society! ( In my fantasy I wanted to be with someone in a relationship).. It was all to late..
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I did think about getting into relationships; and it almost happened but a problem existed. I was dissociated and at some point when I was moving forward; A giant wall shown in front of me; and I could not move. In fact; I run away; I would have to leave the relationships I was creating and simply walk away and never return. The ground had fallen through on me and I ended up back at age 6 again; withdrawn with no way to handle reality...
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I got mad at the girls involved in the relationships I was trying to create; saying it was there fault; they were suppose to support me and help me.. In other words; they were supposed to be my mother because I was a 6 year old in trouble. Unfortunately; no one told them!
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However, This statement panned out to be a false construct of ill logic ( the idea it was there fault). I had dont this many times before with the family system I came from; I blamed them for my condition and thus become helpless and non responsive. but somehow this did not work with the new friends I was trying to develop with; it backfired.
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First; The girls I was trying to create relationships with in High School; I would blame for my inability to hold a relationship together. I remember literally sitting or standing in front of them at their homes. We were outside on the front walk or stairs. I pulled away from them as if it was there fault; what I was going through; ( I had been feeling isolated and mad at the world for not caring about me or understanding). However; They were completely innocent when I was feeling these bad feelings. THey were right in front of me; sitting in front of me. THey did nothing wrong; nothing out of the ordinary; In fact; they were completely innocent.
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As I walked away and tried to blame them in my mind for what was going on; It didnt pan out... these were strangers in many aspects; they really didnt know my background; thus they were completely innocent and their was no way to block that fact; Still; something was wrong and I was angry at society and they represented society! but wait! Atho they represented society; still; I saw with my own eyes; they did nothing wrong... And they really didnt represent anything! Thus I am the witness that they didnt represent society like the voices of anger within me were telling me... WHat society was I talking about?; its as if I was looking to create scape goats for my irresponsible life. I might be able to pull this on my parents to get attention; Justified attention; but it didnt work on these women I was interested in; simply because they were not the perpetrators of my past and did not know anything about me. However; this did not stop me from looking for a way out; thus I pulled away from them blaming them for being part of a society that would never accept me; that would get snobbish at me and turn on me sooner or later. I was doing us all a favor to leave now before they pulled something on me; Thats what was going on in my head. I was actually scared and cowering out.
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In my mind; I knew this was crime like ; a moral crime; something did not work here... I ended up abandoning innocent people that trusted me. THese were new people who had no idea they were going to be abandon... This was kind of a major sickening moral social crime against innocent people on my part. I was now victimizing innocent people so I could run away.( I was now becoming the pertetraiter); I did this so I didn't have to face any of the responsibilities associated with relationships or career or schooling or everything; anything dealing with society... I wanted to blank society out of my existence. Unfortunately I also missed some of the good things about society that I would never be part of again.
Suddenly there was a price I was paying for my bumhood! My isolation problems were brought on by many different means; However, manipulating my friends and turning on them; people I had originally gone out of my way to create relationship's with; this was almost predatorial. I mean; its as if I Was encircling the innocent so I could manipulate them and take advantage of them and dump them... Pure criminal 101...
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What did I really want. I wanted to be a husband and I wanted to be dedicated to something; and that dedication would build the process of becoming good at something.
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However; in the end; I threw away everything including all values associated with society; anything dealing with relationships or people or careers or work; everything... I didnt care anymore; what was the point...
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Today; things are different!
Today; Im now learning about a few things. First; I had no family development; thus I would not be able to function in any family oriented civilization... I would not be able to follow through with relationships; that would be impossible... I was avoidant of everything; I would avoid; not follow through; to a point I couldnt follow through because of lack of development within a family system. I was not connected to people anymore... or social systems... including anything dealing with family systems Impossible as I look back. And as I remember; this will get worse until Im so dissociative I cant be in a house or neighborhood anymore.
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So; to the present. Now I realize; I need family development within a family system; I need to re grow up within a family system and survive it and thrive in it; and from there I can thus go meet someone to create my own family and I can become a husband. However; Ill have to make it to the emotional age of at least 18...
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Ive been in family systems for a while now and getting re developed within them to the point that the universe could bring someone to me to have as a wife and I could be a husband... Im not there yet... but getting closer. Im like 16 emotionally and Im heading toward development of 18 emotionally. not bad considering I start out at -10 age group...
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I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT BEING A HUSBAND...
And thats why I never become one; because I never thought about being one because I had no social development within family systems that would create a husband type person out of me! I was cut off a little past the beginning of the developmental stages and became very dissociative with depersonalization, derealization and all that fun stuff...
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So...
IN THE PRESENT:
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HEre I am now; better! Ive worked very hard! and God has given me some results; so glad am I !
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I looked back when I was around these women I created relationships with in High school and realized; I did not see myself as a boyfriend or a husband but I wanted to be their boyfriend; I thought I had fantasized about being their boyfriend. but I hadnt. I fantasized about the dreamy quality of affection but never actually saw myself doing boyfriend things with them. It was all numbed out and dissociated; my ability to create a scenario within my imagination.
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Looking back; I did not fantasize about being their boyfriend; I fantasized as if i was 8 years old and I wanted to meet a friend that I could go to the store with; or there house and play and do other things with; somewhere between ages 6-8 years old... I could see myself walking to the store and getting a coke with them. Its as if I wanted a girlfriend to do the things I would have done with a friend at the age of 9.
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In high school; I never saw the girls I liked; I never saw us together kissing or making out... I never thought about use that way. I just wouldnt. I guess I wasnt old enough developmentally; something?
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So; when I met these young women when I was young; their age... They wanted a boyfriend; I needed much more basic interactions of a younger person stage; 6-8. And thus; everything crumbled with those young women.. I had arrested development and I was blaming them and anyone else around me for it and for not helping me...
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I was actually screaming out for help; I was scared to death and had no family and I just wanted to go home; I was in a survival mode with no support..
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WHat I found out; I could not budge... I could not go any further with them developmentally speaking and sadly they could do nothing for me! I really hated this fact; I still do kind of resent it; but I know better. Its harsh but they were strangers... They were not an agency dealing with run aways or mental health patience.
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However, looking back; I realized; I could not realize them as a girlfriend altho thats what I wanted. I could not visualize it; nothing.
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Husband material? me?; Not until I could see myself as a husband and that never happened ever; and that is the real reason I never got married; I never saw myself in a marriage or safe...( I never visualized it)(I was never emotionally old enough); I never even saw myself as a boyfriend with someone or a even a friend; ( I did not feel good enough to be anyone's friend; No one wanted me; why would I think that would change; I was never good enough for anyone; I gave up). I was to under developed psychologically; Thus; it was never on my mind; never in my mind. I saw things from a 7 year olds perspective... And what did this finally get me; co dependency with married people; with women who had boyfriends. I was just a friend.. I mean; A lost weak friend tag along; nothing more.. I was a lost 5-8 year old emotionally hanging out with others; thats all I did.. I had very little to offer anyone.
And I was lost and did not know what to do.
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The point is; until I can see myself as a boyfriend; I cant be a boyfriend. I was full of dissociation and derealization and depersonalization.. And many other things. So; it was impossible to be someone's boyfriend. Coudnt; cant be what I cant see in my head... I was full of war like fatigue from being alive. My inner self was a massive battle field of injuries... All I could see was death war torture and pain; brutality; Darkness and gnashing of teeth.
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IN THE PRESENT
NOW THAT IM GETTING BETTER!
Now that Im better; how do I get that development in a family system structure I need; Well; Ive all ready doing it! Ive been developing for awhile now... Im like a 16 year old looking to make it 18 emotionally speaking; and when I do; I will probably branch out more... And its all Oke; Im an old man now; and thats Oke to! My real age. Better late then never; believe me!
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So; On my knees to tell God I want help in the development of being a husband and in the ability to be dedicated to something so I can get good at it; meaning a career or something like it; calling...
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DEDICATION; I was devoid of dedication; AVPD; I literally avoided getting involved with anything because thats how I survived being thrown away and the abuse or sexual abuse; avoid! And thus; it left me avoided personality... I could never go deep into anything. Impossible to get involved in anything; Its been like a phobia; I become completely dissociative and Im no longer present. Or; I walk away physically; I never let myself get into situations where being dedicated or involved in anything would ever happen in the first place. The problem was; I was watching my life slip away without any involvement in anything.
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NOTE; Drugs and Alcohol; these will take a toll and have a place from ages 12 to about 33; on n off. Ill start with drugs very slowly at age 12. It will pick up drastically at age 14; but they time Im thrown away again at age 16; I will have become the equivalent of a drug addict. But then something will happen. I used to many drugs and overdosed and bad trips to many times and I will hurt my brain with psychosis... and that will last about 3-4 years; thuse I slow way down on drugs. However, In my early 20's I start drinking; by the time Im in my later 20's and thrown away again; I start drinking more and signs of alcoholism will show up in my late 20's; However, I will become homeless and I will end up in the psych ward for PTSD reasons. When I leave; Ill meet some new people and end up in the recovery rooms for addiction hurts habits and hangups. And ive been their ever since. Thus; basically no more drugs or alcohol. I get educated of addictions and thats the end of that...
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IN THE PRESENT:
Im now writing stories about being a husband or boyfriend and Ill continue to do so until the universe makes me into this level of person and once that happens people will show up to join me. I have to go through a lot of developmental social internal family system building. However, thats all ready been happening for some time. And it has nothing to do with my younger life family systems or the people from them; this is all new; and its been going on for sometime and its working. Im o so fortunate and lucky; but I also work very hard; Im very hungry to get better... Desporate...
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Im writing stories of being interested in things like music creation and asking the universe to show me how to become dedicated to what Im doing. How do I become dedicated; putting my full self and energy into things... How do I do this... Im writing stories of such things... about being such things... to become such things. If I write enough stories and pray enough to God for assistance in this area and meditate... things will start to change. Im looking to become dedicated; to believe again. ANd I want to become dedicated first then attempt things.
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Ive realized most of these things Im asking for are about develop in social family development; Most of the problems I had besides mental disorders or addictions were social family dynamics; family developmental problems. I did not develop in a family; I learned to avoid all things dealing with a family system; and thus society in general and learned how to avoid when I was suppose to learn how to socialize correctly within a family system so I could become inner independent within groups. This would lead to having girlfriends and wives and work and careers and ............
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Lots of things happening and things are looking up for me!
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So; 2 goals.
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See myself as a husband
See myself as someone dedicated...
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And writing stories about my new lives as if Im all of these things... Im creating stories of myself as if Im a husband and I like it and dedicated to things and I like it.
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And on my knees to God all the time on everything... Meditation
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And in the recovery world and process; and I do get sick of the recovery process! But its all good! Saving my life!
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