July 2025
June 2025
Phase 4 #6; Money
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Independence;
I have not felt this way before. Ive not had this feeling ever before as an adult. Its an advanced state; may be one of the most advanced states thats happen so far…
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Im looking for change and mental health; and this is the best mental health thought process Ive had; one of them if not the most advanced. Its a simple concept.
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The concept is simple; For a moment; I thought about money; Money only created by my own hands… by my own ability with no other human did I expect anything including anything or anyone from my past. Its as if I was single alone human being on my own with ambition. Not coming from anyone or anything; I did not expect or even think in the concept of expectations; Its like Im independent. For this to happen; I must come from a lot of past family security. It means Im filled up from human experiences; from some level of security… Thus the universe takes this and moves me forward into a sense of confidence to step out on my own where I don’t think anyone owes me anything. I don’t think in terms of anyone owing me. It was more like; Ive got talents developing and how much money can I make or am willing to make to build the kind of life I want… can this be done; or making money the way I want to… Like making money is the most important thing concerning priority… and living a life that goes with it; the kind of life I want; but no one else is involved and no one owes me anything… no one; nothing…
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What does all this mean; does it mean Im going for a job; no! It means Im feeling a sense of freedom I have not felt before; where the past has no interest to me; nothing and is not needed… Nothing!
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This thought; I havent felt it since age 14 and then way before at age 6-7 I think… So; its from the universe; its a thought placed inside my mind. Its the kind of thought; it means I do things for myself and don’t want someone else involved. Its like not being co dependent; not wanting it; rejecting it; find it repulsive… I don’t need it! I don’t want it! I would never want it; its a form of alignment…
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So; am I using the words… to describe what is going on. I don’t have any strength for this; But I kind of have something going on here; now; I have to get rid of the past effecting my pretense…
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This is a thought that came to me from the universe… This concept of independence… This was created because I was created first… I guess…
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Phase 4 #6 Paradigm shift through the quantum wall… Again! Major…. Huge
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This is probably the most important Shift that has occurred… This takes me into the next level and certainly answers most if not all questions; It answers all questions concerning my First Love and many more questions about everything…
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FIRST LOVE:
So here it is….
God brought her to me for;
1. Helper
2. Soulmate
3. Friend
4. Best friend
5. Girlfriend
6. Wife
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And there it is!
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So; Now that she is out of the way; What happened here…
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As for her attitude afterwards; Its called Woman's scorn. This nasty condition occurs after a women wants me puts out her invitation and I turn her down! This is after Ive created the door for such things to occur… This a women turns on me in horrible ways… Im treated with; well; CONTEMPT! That is a mixture of hatred and disgust mixed.
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So; Why did I abandon her or walk away or leave; Why did I drop out; Why did I chicken out! What happened.
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OKE.
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So;
I could not go any further!
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God created this situation; and God gave her the power to offer it to me if she wanted to; She offered it to me… I did not take it.
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Something is occurring; A GAP between where Im at and the gold God is offering me. Its like a box full a gold is sitting in front of me on a table… 3 feet between me and the table the gold sits on… A GAP. Instead of reaching for the Gold that has already been offered to me; I go into a kind of dissociative catatonic state AVPD; I run off or leave; I give up; I tell myself whats the use. And then I start blaming the girl on it and everyone else I can get my hands on; including society; every area of society. Its like I turn into a bum completely… I pull away and detach from society; I drop out and in this case; I never came back to the game… Now; things are different…
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Im tired and don’t want to fight anymore… if been an alien in my own land for a very long time and would like my life back.
Im the one who would not accept what God was bringing me. Even God did not know what to do with me… I lost everything because I was self devouring myself; eating myself alive and blaming it on everyone else; Not anymore.
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What is it Im not facing? Thats the question…
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A gap resides between what God brings me and is bringing me and me taking it. I don’t take it; Im going to look at this as DYSFUNCTION!
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Before; I beat myself up about my social dysfunction and condemned myself as a bum; Today; I know Im not a bum; So; I look at this as another dysfunction to take in front of God and work with God on… This is a Gap; and I have to learn how to be in this gap and become a working component with God in this gap and develop; I have to learn how to develop and function in this gap. God can do this.
Ill start writing stories about how Im functioning in this gap and love it and how great it feels . And Ill see myself taking the Gold on the table offered by God…
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What could God do for me after I rejected everything God was offering over n over; Ive refused everything coming my way; all of it… Sure; trauma staying safe; sure. Im taking nothing; Ive been beheaded, cut up, dismembered 2 many times; spread out in every dark lonely kriss -cros across the land.
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What could God do for me until I had enough recovery to go back to God and work with God… and thus I have I am its realizing…
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So; Now; I want to learn about this dysfunction between me and what God is offering me and how to create the mechanism that graps or reaches out to what God is offering me and learning how to processes it and hold on to it and get used to it. This will require allot of work between me and God…
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FIRST LOVE; Well; Im trying to get used to this newer view of her and this situation.
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I have a way of destroying everything; throwing everything away and ending up with nothing and then blowing my brains out with hate… On the streets in the houses of the bums; I sit and wait…
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So; Im starting to show some signs of willingness.
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I have allot of work to do in order to learn that gap that holds me between me and God; of what God wants to bring me; relearning how to feel safe enough; to believe Im safe enough and reach out and grab it; and work with God through the whole sign….
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This idea of the dysfunctional gap sits between me and everything… Ill be talking to God about it today and see where all this goes.
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How would all of this; this gap problem relate to music composition; same thing… How about Art; I can really see it in Art… purposely not having thoughts on how to be famous or successful with Art… Instead; it feels all hate. Now; things are changing; I am no longer fooled by hater thoughts; Im no longer interested in hating… or applying it to the good being brought to me from God… All I have to do Is reach out and grap it; the good from God. Ill learn! Its all new for me and development takes work. To work my way into a new way of thinking…
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Ill get there…
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Money? Ill be praying about everything…
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Taking all of this to God.
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