July 2025
June 2025
Phase 4 #5 Staying safe…
.
One major problem with my First Love; What she did!; I was set to meet someone I could fall in love with; trust; have as a soulmate best friend and my wife for ever after. What I got was a psychopath play-acting the role of human being. This was a Monster; by the time I found out; it was to late; Id been set up.
.
It scares me. Im just now dealing with it… its been buried deep. As my deeper self comes out… I have to look at what happened and my role in it. I was looking for a wife. I made the mistake of acting like I was entitled; I could go anywhere and play the field for a wife… I mean; God would bring me one but I didn’t have to worry about safety. I would always be Oke. I mean; no matter where I shopped; what neighborhood; everything was safe.
.
Im safe no matter what neighborhood I go into? NOT!~
.
What was I thinking?;
.
I walked right into the arms of danger… where I would be set up and ripped off.
.
.
IN THE PRESENT:
.
Ill work with God on meeting new people and using a support system; a support team; support recovery groups; personal helpers along the way; stay safe… I don’t want to get snagged by a psychopath again… Im sick of them... but I guess; not enough! Hopefully I am sick of all of them finally.
.
Its easy to have a child like mentality in the real world. Thinking the world will take care of me and its suppose to; The problem is; no one told me about the monsters in the world. I have to stop where Im at and think and respect the houses Im going into! meaning; a healthy sense of fear... I need to check first making sure everything is safe.
.
I have to stop in my tracks and remember and think; What kind of house am I going into; Who are these people? I need to know its safe long before I ever get near the place or the neighborhood.
.
Ive learned; I cant mix it up with different kinds of people; Im only interested in nice people; safe people. And this has got to be a priority… I need ethical safe people that are law abiding… No spoiled people. Or middle class entitled people. No street people either; to many drugs with no concious... No thanks; most of them didnt work either... Im just saying.. I need that safe neutral ground. Its like I dont have a base or belong anywhere... Im not part of any real society! Im involved in the recovery process; For some; theyve made that into a society but for me its not a society for me; its just a place to recover; and thats what Im doing.
.
Where do I truly fit into... ?
.
I cant blame someone else because I entered their house and they are the wrong kind of criminal. I certainly don’t want to start a family with one of these monsters and have a baby with one of them… My God; I look how close I got to making that mistake when young; I mean; I dont even want to think about it.
.
I don’t want to get stuck with a family with the wrong wife! Only find out I made a mistake with a Monster I now am stuck with or hooked to for rest of my life; no thanks. No one wants this!!!!
.
How can I prevent it; I think a plan is needed… and some thought and working with God. I have to know what Im not looking for and go with the rest… What ever that means; I have to stay at a high frequency of safe people; people that think safety is important…
.
I have to remember; God did not bring any of those past people to me. I simply wandered around and mindlessly ran into the trouble I found.
.
I don’t want to get stuck or shocked one day waking up next to a monster like the last times… And I have to stop being a victim about this; I have to be sharp and work with God on this… stay out of trouble to start with... not find myself in those situation; I got to stay alert and awake in this life.
.
Its easy to try the traditional places to meet people; That doesn’t work… Plenty of evil in any group.
.
I DO NOT FIT IN WITH THE MIDDLE CLASS... To me they are the worst God awful group of people Ive ever met... Ive never seen such 2 faced people in my life. They are the most unsafe group of people Ive ever met! Snobbish stupid regular arrogant... Im sure they are good for the nation and all; but I dont fit in with them... I dont mind living in there neighborhoods... but they have never respected me ever!
.
I dont want to be around people that dont have to respect me! Why would I want to be around people like that!
.
Working with God; I have to get to a frequency where evil isnt! And work with God on all this first and then with support; go out into the world and interact again; with a safe army on my-side first.
.
.
Problems of the past and Present;
.
I had the idea when a child; to be around nice people; unfortunately; those nice people were not so nice; and not so nice to me; I didn’t mean anything to them; not the way they meant something to me. They meant more to me then I meant to them. In the end; when they could break away from me; they did and turned on me when I was destroyed completely for trusting them. They were Spitting in my face the whole way; pure contempt prejudiced and hate. Bigoted;.
.
Bigoted; Obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief or opinion or faction in a particular prejudiced against or antagonistic toward a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group.
.
And I found all kinds of people putting me into all kinds of groups; what ever suited them as if I was a thing or object and not a human being.
.
Ive gone through all kinds of hate…
.
I wanted others to respect me and accept me; It never happened; but I was never around the right people for such things. Now; I have to work with a higher power to be around the right people and places and things.
.
Allot of my problem when young; I was hanging around a crowd of people; I was not safe. I was never associating with sensitive carrying people; I wanted to be taken care of and found myself around the wrong people for this; When I say wrong; I MEAN WRONG! WAY WRONG…! But all the TV shows and magazines told me they were the right people; But when I actually met these type of people; They were rapists of different sorts and murder'rs of different kinds...
.
The problem is; It was as if the child in me was looking not only for my parents but for a home and a father and a mother; my child home; for my original home and parents. And this is perfectly OKE and natural and normal...
.
So; I have to stop and work with God…
.
WHEN YOUNG: FOLLOWING MY MOTHER TO THE BIG CITY!
.
Unfortunately; I had no more mother; I never had one in the first place; I followed her at a later date to the city by the coast; that was a horrible mistake! I had no mother; there was no one to follow! But that is a blunt trauma in itself… I mean everything stopped. And I have to look back on that and realize; I have to deal with that issue from a perspective of living in my home town before all the disasters start.
.
What does this mean; It means; I was living with relatives; my mother was gone. I did not want to live with those relatives anymore; they were destroying me… So; I wanted to go live with my mother because I didn’t have anyone else. I had no family anymore… Nothing; But it was a mistake to even think in terms like this… To follow that monster or murder’r was insane! It wasnt even feasable because there was no more mother. That person that moved to the coast was a complete stranger with no more ties to me! Not that any ever really existed… but No! No more ties; meaning; this was a stranger… don’t go there! I mean; theres nothing there and no help or hope or safety; That person started a new family; or found one and left the area and went and joined them leaving us behind as if we were never born. Once she found a new husband; everything associated with that past husband was gone.. regardless and done with no conscious or remorse; They were already gone… I had nothing but that idea of going to her or following her; NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! DONT DO THAT!~ Nothing there! \
.
So; I have to look at this from working with God! How do I stay in one piece and start over again; thats what I will be working on.
.
Starting over; letting God bring me the right people and places and things and learning where I fit and how… Its between me and God…
.
Ill be doing what smart people do this time… trying out new people and places and things… Seeing what works and with whom…
.
HOPE!
.
.
So; Im getting a general idea of things as I get better… Im very crippled up in my nervous system( disability) from trusting; ever trusting the wrong world around me! Being thrust out among the Dogs and being destroyed over n over n over….
.
12 step groups;
Within these groups; its general recovery but thats all. I do practice social and interaction. Its not perfect; I go to allot of meetings so I get used to being in those rooms and I meet sick people with no boundaries and arrogant people that think they can walk over my boundaries; This is because I don’t work and Im at those places all the time like a regular… Thus I see everyone. And altho slowly; its working to be in recovery while I heal… and its happening.
.
Biggest complaint; TIME! Im doing great concerning recovery; Ive made it past 100s of milestones; smaller achievements; or personalized important achievements. Ive had lots of opportunities thrown at me to get better and Ive taken allot of them; taken a chance on a lot of spiritual things and thus; have grown a lot; However, as the months role by; they role into years and years role by into decades and comparing myself to where I used to be; Life is magic… However, Im getting seriously hold. I mean; its taken time for all of this; God has given me this time… Still; I hope to live my life; thats where Im heading.
.
WHERE AM I HEADING>
.
When I was young; I lived in a house with a backyard on a block in a neighborhood of a regular town in my country and I loved it… every bit of it. And I just want to go home; I want to be back; back to who I am or originally started out as. I did not go away from my neighborhood; Someone pulled me out of it on purpose; A Psychopath! 2 of them to start with…
.
So; I have the ability to get better slowly; and I am. I have the ability to keep to course and I am. Ill work with God to bring me back to my original self and life. However, how long will this take… Im afraid Ill be gone by then. Ill talk to God about it… Im grateful to be this far… really! I have a much better understanding of where I came from.
.
Biggest problem is fear. Those people and places and things of the past; those violators; Im scared of the outside world; being tricked…
.
It seemed when I wanted a best friend when young or a wife; I was tricked by those in this society! I don’t want that anymore.
.
I want to work with God and understand what group of people Im suppose to work within… and be a part of….
.
Ill work with God on this. So far Ive been faked out… I cant afford that…
.
Safety…
.
.
Its about working with God.
.
MENTAL ILLNESS…
.
Most people Im around know nothing about me or my problems; I hide them or some are so arrogant they see nothing…. Those are not the kinds of people I want to associate with…
.
So; PTSD makes me afraid of the outside world and my inside world; I mean; I still am affected by what all of these monsters have done to me. I do not feel safe in the outside world; I take allot of chances out there and open up in ways and places that are not safe; Im gambling for my recovery… its worked out but Its backfired many times before… and in serous ways; I payed for my recovery…. One might say; its not been free!
.
NOTE: TO be out of the past is all I ask for; to work through the grieving of what I thought was suppose to be! a life I wanted but was pulled out from underneath me; For those perpetrators; I just want to neutralize their importance within my life; And that has happened? is happening; THey still control me within PTSD realms within my mind and nervous system but its much better. And letting them go is getting more manageable. ITs slow and not perfect but Im getting strong enough to show signs of an independent life growing or wanting to grow or at least an independent reality out in front of me I can focus on... I no longer have to focus on what happened in the past; I no longer respect it as having any value or validity. I just want to bi pass it and come back to life again under God!
.
.
.
Im very lucky if I continue as I am; working with God to open up my life and staying away from everything else… Just keep working with God and working with this pathway of safety.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Majestic-12 [Bot], Yahoo [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Phase 4 #5 Staying Safe
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.027s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.19
Time : 3.027s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.19