July 2025
June 2025
Things are tuff; but there getting brighter
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So; looking at consistencies when dealing with life; things in life; I began to see dysfunction very easily in key areas; as I wake up and get better; slowly…
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Dysfunctions in key areas;
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When it comes to women; dealing with schooling; when it comes to work, when it comes to music creation; I see a pattern; its all the same..
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1. Women; I get up really close; after knowing them or show-boating in front of them and their interested in me; maybe Im spending time with them or taking them out or even on a date; BUT I DONT DO ANYTHING WITH THEM ( I wont get physical). I DONT GO ANY FURTHER OR ASK THEM OUT! or wont ever open up enough to really get close to them; to disgusted with the process of all this. Im set up like a rat in cage with a snake in it!@
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1.1 Women; So; in order to avoid this situation of not being able to ask someone out I really like; avoiding or chickening out; AVPD… I simply will never allow myself to meet someone I really like; that way I never really have to deal with it. Because Im talking about asking people out I really find attractive or really seem right to me or I could have a future with… I wont even go there… Im to scared… protect mode/. Wont budge.
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NOTE: So; Being with someone I could actually have a future with; I wont budge! Wont ask them out; to scared. Wont ask out any women; I refuse; So; here is an area of pure terror and fright. Im seeing the past; PTSD; reliving the past as the problem.
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NOTE: Wont ask out any women I like… I refuse…
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1.3 Sex; same problem; Wont have sex with women I actually find attractive… Scared to death; I wont be enough; even when they want to have sex with me; I stop all of it. ( I wont start it; I run off). I mean; its all shut down; Its interesting because I don’t have a sex problem?; literally; meaning some kind of sexual dysfunction that is apparent. I have a massive sexual problem; dysfunction problem; because I refuse to have sex with anyone. Refusing is the problem… Trauma… Its like I have conditions for safety; and if those conditions are not met; No Go! Dont even want anyone near me; nothing!
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NOTE: I refuse to have sex with anyone; this an obvious dysfunction.
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2. Schooling. Im in a class room; the teacher says I have potential; but I flunk the class by not doing anything in the class; I cant do the homework or study; trauma related. I refuse to open up; to a point; I cant do anything anymore or wont. I cant do the work. Thus; potential or not; I don’t get anywhere in the class.. To heart broken to try… don’t feel good at anything; I feel worthless and not good at anything; no good. However, again; this indicates the problem and how the opposite is the solution.
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NOTE: Will not attempt any participation in schooling system; refuse everything… especially anything dealing with having a future that could be pulled out from underneath me; Trust no one. I dont want to deal with the PTSD problems triggered. Dont want to deal with failure anymore. THe school system never worked for me; its ridiculous.
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3. Work; I have potential but If Im in the wrong work situation; I refuse to open up… ever; and thus; it is over with before it starts… if Im forced to open up against my will; Im shut down; Im gone. If Im in the wrong work situation; Nothing! Zero…
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4. Music. So; I learn to play an instrument; I learn to use the computer; However, if I want to use the computer live and play an instrument live; Im missing something; I got to have a song. And altho I have the ability to write a song; I wont or cant… locked up dissociated…Dissociate; So; cant or wont write the song I would play live. I can learn to use the music software on the computer; one id take with me and use live for performing live. I can learn to play chords on a Guitar for a basic song; But I wont write the song. Without the song; there's nothing to play… So; its all a NO GO! I have nothing. I have 2 things out of 3 that work; but I must have that middle area functional or the whole boat goes down; never comes out of the dock.
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Wont study the book
wont ask her out
wont write the song
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So; here are some great examples of my limited created problems.
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Actually; Im at a place where I feel grateful that I know whats wrong. This is in addition to any trauma based mental problems. Its not like I don’t understand or know I have massive dissociative PTSD based problems to deal with. However, I can see a definite pattern getting in the way of having any successful life.
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I think Im trying to play it safe so I don’t get abused or thrown away or attacked… its a defense mechanism Ive used all my life to stay alive. Or stay safe or un controlled by controllers..
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Anyway; these dysfunctions are what Im working on or will be working on; I cant touch them yet… I cant touch anything.
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So; What am I looking for; goals.
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1. Meet someone I really find attractive and really like. Ask them out!
2. Set up my music stuff for playing live; and; write the songs
3. put myself in a situation where I have to learn something to be good at it… like mathematics; Take the class; learn how to focus on the homework and study of a thing and get an A out of the class; something like that.
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NOTE: Im certainly not suggesting I do things fast or even at this pace of; " just do it all at once".. I will break things down into patterns and work on some small part of things; very small part... I mean; even talking about this triggers terror hopelessness and grief.
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So; here are some goals; they are rapped around massive pain and anxiety; I can feel it; but at least Im well enough to pin point some stuff. Its very toxic situation; I can hardly look at or deal with these problems; I start dissociating; AVPD very quickly. So; Ill keep at this and look at this as a starting place; Ill start praying about all this stuff and just start at praying.
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