July 2025
June 2025
Ive been working on myself for a long time; and now after moving through the wall to the other side from the past. I start over. God helped me with this; completely...
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So; here I am on the other side at the starting place; the starting gate...
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So; with a much deeper understanding of things from the universe; the information came from the universe; and with recovery process; and support from the recovery community that Ive survived in... Im getting better.. and now; I would like most of my past ripped out of the vinyl recording in my brain. Im changing my brain and want those past grooves taken out and replaced with new stories. I want it slowly removed so I dont remember; or I dont focus on it; it has no value now; Im heading to living a whole new life I create with God and dont need the focus on the past. I have massive PTSD problems; but; still; the universe is helping me and I dont need it or want it; I want out. I understand what happened with people and places and things from the past; and I want to go; I want to go forward; I am going forward and its time to regroove my brain in knew things.
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NOTE: Sexual abuse... that is another story; Ill take to God on how to regurgitate that.
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So; this is a season or time or age of regrooving my mind in a real sense; Not that I haven't been working on this for 10 years. But what Ive been working on for 10 years has just happened; I just moved beyond my own consciousness... God is now leading down the path I was always hoping to start. Unfortunately; its not free; a price must be paid. Its the same price Jesus paid on the cross. Im not sure how I know that. But I can feel God and how God had to watch his son die and couldn't do anything about it. And he watched me detached the same way and Ive come back to God; just like when Jesus said; God; Why have you left me; where are you? And I had to do the same thing for a little while but Im back now! and GOd said; "come with me Omnicell; Lets go" SO; I took a step right into a picture frame of another life. And here I am. Now what?
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So; now that Im in this new life; I learn more n more how to meditate...
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Ive said that God is my oxygen. Life is a fishbowl Ive been dropped down into; and God is my oxygen while Im in that fish bowl.
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Now; Things have changed. Its as if I now have a steal suit on underwater; the same kind God wears when he is under water and we are walking together looking around in a most serious even fashion. Even as much as Im allowed to myself and to be; be as I walk with God... God is with me; With me even more! I guess. Something like that? I guess?; Im going to branch out and create an all new life for myself.
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God has to create me into a new person that matches what I want to do. And its been happening basically; In some cases; Ive been jarred by what Ive experienced; the growth from the universe. I mean; its like growing 2 feet taller in 2 hours; at times; I mean; one would have to experience the supernatural; I live in it! Many times Im side lined and only get to watch or I get to walk around while the universe does marvelous stuff; but once in a while I get to participate or Im aware of it; my participation... even tho normally I wouldnt be... But Im still aware of it; but Im sidelined; Im a human being. However, I get my chance at movement; Im not left out.
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Anyway;
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First;
I downloaded a piece of music software tonight. I bought my music computer a year ago; its been a YEAR; and this is the first time Ive bought more software for it; software for playing music live. But only now do I download the software for creating music; my preferred choice.
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It took a year;
Thats kind of what its like to have a nervous system being taken hostage from the past; Lot of work needed to be done... not fun! That worked needed to be done first so I would believe.. And I believe; So; I bought the software today.
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Yesterday I was looking at music equipment; It took about 5 minutes to decide what I wanted to play live and how much it would all cost. It was interesting; it took 5 minutes to find what I was looking for; It took a number of years to make that decision to look... and to be in recovery the whole time working on myself... All GOd tho... Thanks to my higher power.
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I bought another piece of equipment for live performance because thats where Im going... Im getting motivated because. I guess because Im up to speed with it... and something new is happening; the universe is answering me; giving me more answers; A person that is inline and motivated; suddenly Ive got a thousand places I could play music... Not even a problem. And that might be a little presumptuous on my part; Im still out in outer space... So; it will be awhile. but I can see things changing all around me and its great. I didnt say for money; I just said; outside my apartment. As for money; ill take that to the universe for a mind opening of information. One has to fall in love with money and see it as adorable... where I cant take my mind of it or the affectionate feelings for it; I must imagine at all times Im receiving more n more of it. Keep it up until it starts to flood in. Doors will open.
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I really want the past gone; I want my mind; my brain back and God wants me to want my brain back and get back inline with Jesus/God/Universe/ Holy one..../ Spiritus-quantumous-leep-forwardess-sanctuse. Give-it-to-me-use
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My confidence has come back a bit into the forward position where Im in control of my choices and not that past...
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So; Im preparing to play live; thats whats going on. Right now; its about familiarizing myself with writing music and using software.
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Ill talk about playing live; It will take a lot of work; especially memorizing; memorizing words; the words/lyrics.
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Couldn't work anymore;
Its interesting how work or involvement stopped me for so long!
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IT doesn't cost anything to learn how to trust God again and work with the universe to attempt things... I mean; it doesn't cost money to follow through and relearn how to take on the responding ability; developmental abilities... It doesn't cost any money; it does take massive support groups and recovery process and God. Im finding that what ever I want to become; it doesn't cost any money to build the character or development that I need; I don't like the word character... it seems to judgemental. Why should I judge myself... But Im making my point. If I want to become that well rounded person; I reach up to God and tell God to bring me that pathway Im looking for to take me to what I want...
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So; Im at this point; i've earned it under Gods care; Im at this point of participating and growing and maturing and developing... That's the goal; God will supply the roadways for development and the help. I just have to have a heart for it and pray for guidance to believe; Something like that.
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Im seeing a realistic construct of work detail to accomplish this; playing life; we will see. Put it in GOds hands... All moving forward.
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Goals;
Money
Women/ sex/friend/ best friends/wife.../frequency/sensitivity; equal in soul nature.
Music Art
Truck; Why not; not sure how this will go about; will simply take it to God; its always been hard; this subject; so; Ill work with God on this.
Car? dont know;
I will believe; thats my job; to learn how to reach out to God to learn how to believe I am worthy of all these things. And I will work with God on these things.
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Meditation and prayer... I must see all these things in my mind as if I all ready have them and im present with them and up to speed and deserve them. And that process or journey requires new stories within my mind to replace old ones; Stories on paper... The idea of new wine skins to replace the old ones; Thats whats happened for me; just like the Bible says!
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To create new stories for my life and learn how to believe them before they show up... And God can take me to the resources; If I ask; on how I can believe before they show up.
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I will ask God how to believe and how to get to the frequency of feeling worthy.
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As for women/girlfriend. Ill see it first in my imagination and thus believe I am worthy or good enough; and then thoughts turn to things and women will start showing up when I believe Im good enough for them to show up... So; I will ask God how to believe Im good enough for things. Take me on a journey God... Frequency level.
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MUSIC:
I was fooling around with my music software and I noticed something; I better go slow; because Im heading into reality from unreality.. And that transition I can only handle bits at a time. And I must respect this. Just touching something new; my mind gets pulled out into pieces PTSD... Im yanged out into the fare ends of the earth and triggered like lightening looking for a bubble bath...
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The key is to pray and take it slow; The goal is not to quit but to pray and keep going one little bit at a time. Im trying to accomplish something here and its more then just a tune; Im trying to learn a system for staying in reality; a system to finish something; finishing and performing something finished and memorized; ready for performance; that is my dream goal... It will be a powerful day when that gets pulled off.
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So; I got on the music software I just bought and put in a few notes; I could hardly even touch it because it brought up a different form of reality... I mean; I could hardly touch it.. just a few notes and I was taken into being exposed into another world.
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Heres the point; If I take this one note at a time; I might be able to actually pull something off in reality; I had no idea I was this sensitive.. One note... thats all; at one time. But at least I know...
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NOTE: One brick at a time. Thats all I can do in reality. Im my boasting; in fantasy; thats another story; but in reality; I can hardly deal with one simple brick within reality. However, knowing this; I can put on brick upon another slowly and build a house or a life.. If I can get help... Breaking through to reality is the big success story Im looking for... I dont care how big or small I become; but to break through; that is the self actualization Im working towards.
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Its great to know; it takes me back to the reality of where Im really at... and how Ive interacted with the world around me... I start out with one brick...
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First Love;
Suddenly I dont see her as the problem anymore. If Im this sensitive to reality; I mean; how could any human being ever last around me for very long; anyone. Its like; I was a complete stranger that would not be able to function around any human being more then a few moments before completely shutting down...
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Im certainly learning...
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But if I can only handle one note at a time; I can slowly put in one note at a time until something has been accomplished and thus a way through; because that means a pathway to success in the real world; And that is all God; and there it is.
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In the morning meetings; some of them; bulling me... I guess they dont like the fact they dont play any importance to me. Ive learned to sacrifice; let it roll of; get the recovery I need and move on. Dont worry about what a bunch a drunks are doing or who ever they are; and what ever their problems; mind my own counter-strike and keep rowing.
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Ill have to pray greatly at this point for my next move as a human.
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I feel like my condition is allot like those who cant go into the sun... its that way for me emotionally outside in reality.
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Ill keep working with the universe...
Our partner
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