July 2025
June 2025
Prayer and meditation is the number #1 issue. For the more I tell God and ask God to help me for what I want and ask God to bring me things and the more I meditate; The more serious I appear to the universe and the more Im taken seriously. And thats what has to be work on... In fact; I just got a thought.
If I was serious about music and Art creation; Id be praying first and doing what ever I could during the time I have to work on music and Art.
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NOTE: Next Day; Look up Youtube for keyboardists in band using the software I want to use and see an interview. Well; I have; perfection; I mean; almost total HOWTO.... So; if I can stay awake; Ive got the teachers. Its not the information Im missing; its me Im missing; the ability to be present because of the intensity of so many different time periods of PTSD... PTSD takes over before my focus on on new thoughts correlating with the outside world... Im hi jacked... However, Im getting better... meaning; Still have the problems; mind getting trained to focus on what out in front of me. trying...
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I have a horrible attitude about music and Art but the good side of things are getting stronger; maybe because thats what Im feeding it.
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Im starting to remember; enthusiasm for what I want to do. I see so many bad things; I see a whole neighborhood of people that didnt want me. However, suddenly I see the other side of that neighborhood that did.
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Suddenly I see Jesus talking to the masses and to the important people; but non of them care nore are listening and many are laughing him to scorn. However, I see on the other side of things; the poor receive and listened to him gladly... But not both; and not both for me... and I guess that made me a little mad. I wanted colleagues to see my worth. I deserved it; I guess not; I guess thats up to God. For the people I visited when young; looking back; they never visited me. It was I that thought I was blessed with my neighborhood when young. But later; non of those people wanted anything to do with me... I was a nice person; This could only mean one thing; They were not! The second problem was; why was it important to be around these people who never respected me in the first place. It almost felt like I was accepted. I assume my mother and father never accepted me or had me in a proper home; so I went outward to find one.
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Nice people Rule!!!; "Nice" takes precedent over money fame power and riches... Ive been around spoiled creeps before; RUN! Nice people win!
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Where was I.
So; if I had normal friends; Then; Id do the things I like to do and not worry about what others think of me.
However, Im getting hit with sexual abuse thoughts; of that time period. So; what do I do. I want to be safe; and expressing myself artistically would not allow me to be safe.. So I see sexual abusers when ever I want to create anything and be in the world... And that is a hardened area way over my head. I dont want to expose myself to more bad people. The problem is; they are everywhere... in all conditions of life; from rich and educated to poor and feeble. Ive had much more problems with the spoiled and rich.
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I must remember... shant I!
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I think the thing to do is to create my Art and be on my knees praying for what I want...
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Women/friends/best friends/ best friend wife.
Money
Music and Art creation.
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I could be creating 18 hours a day but I dont(mental problems). However, If I keep up this barrage attack against that part of self that wont let go and allow me to live my life; Its trying to keep me safe or hostage myself against the world; Im never going to do anything.
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If I cant do Art and Music the way I want to; And maybe I should define that; what it is that I want; Then why would I think I can do anything else in the world; I just stay in a dream world and do nothing for the rest of my life?; And that is a problem; I can see it. and I want something to change... Im getting more desperate. And Im getting mad... Turn to prayer all the time and meditation.
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I haven't really defined music and art... What do I want; what does it look like. Next Day!! Well; Im seeing vidoes of people doing what I want; I mean; a vid exists of everything I would ever want to do; especially considering music.
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I can see myself as a major artist; What ever that means... What does that mean; Ill pray about...
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I see myself as a major hip hop artist or Edm remixer style of my own stuff... but practicing with others; Dj... I also see myself with classical music and many other things... ( Singer song writer)
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NOTE: Suddenly I saw myself the next day; getting bullied in the 7th grade...
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Suddenly I see myself in 7th grade getting bullied to death with no way out... scared to death and in a state of shock... Im all alone. No one cares; nothing. No way to do any work...
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What is my goal; Im looking for my path...Im looking for my pathway... unfortunately; something always gets in the way; negative thinking. Its as if its my mother and father or step father or sexual abusers or anyone else who controlled me against my will... and they are screaming down my throat to stop creating because they never gave me permission... So the part of my brain that steps in a sabotage's everything; that part must go... And somehow that part is running my dissociative disorder... at least running some of it. Because its a form of dissociation; Im being triggered to go to sleep and thus I side or circumvent reality at the moment I try to do something productive.
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One of the reasons I want to create music and art is simply because im not doing anything at all; I mean; Id rather create 18 hours a day then do nothing... Right? even as I say this I start getting mad and another part of me takes over and shuts everything down.
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When I get taken over by something else inside of me; another part of me; I blame it on society and not the other part of me...
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So; Id rather spend 18 hours a day doing something then doing nothing. if I want to do more then God can help me figure out more things to work on in this life. But If I can do music and art and I know its something I like to do; I love to create things; Then how I can I be expected to do anything.
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I have a problem in my attitude; I have a bad attitude about everything... about creating... I think someone owes me something. Im not putting out hours and hours for something and not getting paid or paid back by society for doing something. Im not going to get into that trap. Im not doing something for free; So; I feel I will never really own my own time or space or way of life or talents or anything... We will see. I want to follow my path; but it seems something is always missing; its like Im a 5th grader and I stop at 5th grade; suddenly I need to be 15 and a teen. Im missing those years. I get frustrated working with GOd on this. And it could be my full grade school experience needs to be developmentally and emotionally redone; Ill talk to God about this; so I can commath into my own new age with foundation. I can see the break from reality starting at 6th grade... or just before.. And this makes totally sense. However, Im looking for answers to fill in these gaps.
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RELATIONSHIPS...
So; from the past; The goal is to come out of my dream world and accept the scum from the past as these con men or con artists that set me up; criminals; simply because I was in the neighborhood. THey got a shot at me because I walked through their doors; no other reason; I was innocent and did not know anything was wrong. This kind of thing happens. Why Im having a hard time getting over it I dont know. As I slowly come back to reality; I see myself coming back to the neighborhood I should be living in and calling this whole things a bad experience that could have happened to anyone... And thats how Im starting to see it... thats all it was... However, another part of me gets in the middle of it and starts up again... Fantasy; trying to hang on to something that was not there...
One problem; if i come back from a bas situation; where do I go; and where do I start again...
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So; Ive got this side of me ruining me or ruling me; I dont want it anymore...
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Im still scared to feel safe having a Hobby or experience like music; makes me to open to the world. its a bit to much for me; i dont feel safe.
For some reason I put all my eggs in one basket; and how I make music defines me worth in society. Can I not just have this extra hobby on the side and make music and stop making a big deal about it... Can I... For some reason I have to put my worth; my personal worth into it... instead of making it out to be simply what it is; a form of expression; its not my worth... Im creating something; its not a definition of my worth or my identity. And Im having a hard time with this.
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NOTE: Dissociative disorder is causing this; Im disconnected from reality within myself at different levels.
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I I knew the past is not a form of my identity worth... How I handled those situations or that situation is not an example of my identity worth... if I won or lost is not an example of my identity worth... Its not the end of the world either way. I still have God... or Ill keep working with God on all this stuff.
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Again; The goal is to create music 18 hours a day for the simple purpose that I have at least this purpose of doing so; I have something but Im not impressed and not appreciate of it and not doing anything with it. I get hit with these debilitating thoughts; humiliating thoughts...
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ITs like to Nations at war within me.
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I cant tell whats right and whats not. WHat is my pathway... I know doing nothing is not my pathway; thats a clue.... Those are trauma symptoms.
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Maybe laying around all day some of the moments looking at porn; the rest; watching the crime channel; and the rest day dreaming and or on a positive note; at some moments playing video games( and thats good); But I see that is stationary fear. Im actually afraid and in survival mod and a constant freeze mode... So I need to look at that fear... and pray about what to do about it. Could be death fear from when younger; and thats not good; thats a hardcore thing to get rid of... it operates at a much deeper level and is triggered it takes me into a state of controlled panic... no way to describe it.
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So; However; what am I suppose to be doing. I could be making music 18 yours a day. Maybe Im afraid that regardless of how many hours I put out for music and art; its not going to change anything.
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THe problem is; I know that if I could be working at 18 hours a day at something I love doing; it would change something.
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NOTE: Ill keep trying to put down notes or song writing; just start it up with a bigger plan in mind; see how long I can last; keep praying about it. I can see the bad thoughts hitting me right now knocking me off the pedestal. They hit like a tsunami. Its like a part of me thats hidden is disgusted by doing anything in the world. Suddenly it knocks the hopefull me out of the picture.
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So its a war inside me; 50/50 battle.
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I know this; sitting around all day long doing nothing is simply doing nothing; and that tells me something; Im not being productive at anything.
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I do see step images of step fathers and others controlling me belittling me; Thus I learned to stay inline and say nothing and do nothing and then I would avoid any attack if I kept anything of value to myself.. And thats kind of what Ive learned to do; keep everything of value to myself. Do not let the rest of the world get a hold of it; or they will trample it under their feet turn and tear me into pieces...
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I get allot of dissociation and switching from one personality to another; and its frustrating...
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Next Day; 3rd of Jan 2023.
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At a meeting this morning; opened up about some good things concerning women and music creation; all more honest concerning my fears... Fear of rejection; no women wanting to go out with me; saying no to me and how I handle that. And I mean; How I really handle that... talking with others. This will be my first time going out concerning dating and best friends and finding what Im looking for; Ill work with the universe... attract what I want; However, I have to learn how to be present again and talk to people.
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I realized; if I can get a number and call them; Ill be OK. After talking to them for a week on the phone; I can ask them out if I really want to...
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Something else after this mornings meeting; I always hanging around the wrong people.
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Could it be I created women's scorn in my First Love. What did she really see when she saw me! From her perspective... Unfortunately I did not make my judgements of her based on how she saw me; I based it on her behavior; and a behavior that was getting bad and strange and sociopathic after a certain amount of time. SHe seemed to have no care about human understanding.. And once I felt traumatized by this; it was the beginning of the end... THere was nothing I could do for her... I had to leave and that killed me because I had put out the deepest part of me; I thought I had a best friend. I did not have any friend. What if this happens again? What do I do; who do I talk to. How do I learn to keep going. I want to be prepared this time round. Ill get another shot at my life. Im all ready there... ITs all ready building up...
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NOTE: Im seeing myself maybe able to walk up like a normal person be introduced to women and coming off as confident or something.. Learning to meet them again. And if I ask them out and they say no; not worrying about it because its all in Gods hands to start with and I must remember to pray first about all things continuously.
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However, lately I can see a pathway to a asking out women in general. Something that was to deep for me to follow while mentally ill. Now Im starting to see it again; a pathway... its starting up again.. I have allot of pain to get over first.. but its so close; this pathway...
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MUSIC: We will see; I think this will require the ability to spend a few month; once a day doing something basic; like a sacrifice everyday creating something; and there it is. For example; taking out the field recorder and recorder something; coming back and writing a composition around it. Something everyday. ... Something basic and small; something suggesting Im surrendering to Gods plan and purpose and direction. WOrking on this!
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I can start that today. And How about looking at some of those video's again that use the music software Im interested in; watch them until I understand them; show some real effort here.
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Ill keep meditation on this stuff and praying.
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