July 2025
June 2025
Most recent; after several meetings and talking;
Lets talk about maturity.
First; Success based thinking programs that wealthy people use; Ive studied enough of those concepts ; and watched several coaches on that kind of information; I have a basic solid beginner concept with working knowledge; Ive applied those basics Ive learned with absolute success at the level of my developments. Totally fine with using this material to help the universe help me.
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Pre Hobby History;
So; In my personal development; I wanted real Hobbies; I was neglected when young; and then thrown away when young going into trauma based mental illness; PTSD land and Survival mode… So; no development. Through bulling and being thrown from home to home to home; no one wants me; Ive almost completely shut down; cannot function in any school system.. non functioning… no relationships; all fake friends I had are now gone; they left long ago… betrayed; never really anyone's friend… I was mistaken…
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Hobbies;
When ready in the recovery process; I talked to God and began to write stories about hobbies… I wanted something back in my life from when it was all stolen when young…
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1. I started with Lego's I think and worked that them and that concept for a long while I think; praying about it… It was as if I was 4-6 years old; and a mother was supplying them in my bedroom… I would play with them and leave them on the floor; And then I had to learn to write stories about picking them up.
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2. Gluing things together; sticks n clay; start building things…
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3. Suddenly I went from the concept of a room where my mother would supply things to; suddenly I wanted to graduate and go outside. From the universe; “ Get a football”; So; I got a football and for 6 months I threw the foot-ball with guys from the meetings.. This was about learning to meet new people and interact with them.
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4. Art work; started making basic Art…
5. Electric Trains; for about year or more… And then I move on; gave them away to a friend; I had experienced it; thats all I needed… and working with God; moved on…
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6. Model kits… plastic model kits…
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7. Guitar; learning how to play the guitar to a point I could write songs..
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8. More advanced Art work…
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9. From Guitar back to piano and writing music….
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10. Video games…..
I Was in my room with agoraphobia and asking the universe; “ How can I get to my desk and sit their like I had a job; sit at my desk working with the computer being productive; What could the universe bring me that I would come out from my room and sit at a desk for a certain amount of hours per day and work at something; I had no idea. And then the Universe dropped a bomb shell; It was time to get a Gaming computer like I always wanted; it is time for video games. And once set up with games; Im at my computer desk out in the main room of my shack; about half the day; either categorizing games; going into dept buying more games or learning as a beginner how to play a few basic games… But it worked; I love being at my desk right now.
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11. Music Software; And this is leading into music software and creating serious music again. The video games are on my computer desk top and Ive been fooling around with them for about a year… and noticeably; Next to these gaming programs is another icon; music program; its just a jump n mouse click away! I do a horizontal to the left and bam; click on another piece of software; Music software and Im back into making music again….
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AND THERE IT IS!
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My main Hobbies are; Plastic Model kits and Video games. Thats whats staying at my level of frequency level; These 2 Hobbies; are my main Hobbies… I don’t need or want anymore. These are the natural hobbies of choice.
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CALLINGS: Music And Art! Im suppose to create and take it out into the world; these things a little bit different then just hobbies. Hobbies teach me how to have a work ethic and get involved.
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MUSIC and ART; They require I already have a dedicated work ethic; they are about work… working and sacrificing for what I dream of… Its still fun… I still like it but it requires a different part of me then building plastic model kits and video games. But its all related; I like to think the hobbies are for the kid and adolescence and teen age’r in me and to keep up that kid development. The Music and Art is for the Adult in me to handle.
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The Hobbies require the care of a kid to work with.
The Music and Art require the care of an adult to handle.
Both require a responsibility but at different age levels of maturity.
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I wanted that train set I never got. Well; I got it; and worked with it; and it filled in the gaps; I thought it would be one of my main hobbies; but it wasnt so; It could be a secondary hobby if I had the room. But it requires kid gloves to handle or Ill break things. Lego trains are cool; very popular in Europe.
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In the present;
Heres the point; Look at the process. After being in the recovery process for a long time and being led to success based information… and practicing with it for years. I then turned that magic to my personal inner life. And that started with Hobbies… Giving everything way to God; I started from nothing. I allowed Gods flow to start the process and I started. I think I took a paintbrush; put water on it and went and painted a wall… And then went from there.
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Now; Ive settled into 2 God created perfect hobbies for me; 2 hobbies that create pre work ethic experience; Perfect; Video games and plastic model kits… And these are my 2 main hobbies. Just 2.
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So; In this situation of lack of development in Hobbies; when ready; I allowed the universe to start the process and in the end several years later; I end up with 2 cool main hobbies I call my own…
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Developing my life;
Ive mentioned Hobbies; what about applying the same process to Relationships; Work or Callings activities of interests or say Money…
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Relationships;
So; Im using the same processes to build new relationship development. This means I start over from ground up; at age 0… Start over from the beginning. And I can tell; in this case I will be actively working toward what I want… I will be fully active in this along with cerebral concepts. I wont be saved through co dependency on this one; Ill have to work my way into a new way of thinking; earn my way. I certainly wont be along; I have allot of recovery support. Ill start with meditation and alignment with the universe..
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RELATIONSHIPS: So; My development in relationships is 0. My maturity level is 2 years old 0 years old; 3 years old… 3 might be more then the truth. Either way; I start out naturally where God wants me to start out… At my frequency level; much like the Hobbies; I start out at the base beginning… God will determine what that is and I will just start feeling my way through it; how to start… I know I will be totally involved and have to be dedicated to many things.. Fight for the right to keep what Im wanting…
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MUSIC AND ART creation… Same thing; Start at 0. See where the spirit leads me. And Im praying for helpers to show up and help and they are… And Im understanding that I have no maturity in these areas and I must start where my maturity level exists; If that is 3 years old; then so be it; Ill start with playing with sticks I find out on the ground; Ill let the universe get me started in a natural state of things… I have to learn to fight for the right to keep what Im wanting…
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NOTE: Im not used to fighting for what I want or learning to fight for it to keep it…
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And So; this is the direction Im heading torward. And Ive been talking openly at deeper levels at meetings and it had a feeling of me being in the present presenting who I am right now and what I want to work on right now and Im opening up to groups of people that one could call a big family… In the recovery process…
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On to the rest of the blog.
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Phase 3 #5 Friendship
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I thought I had made friends when I was young. However, the really close friends I thought I had made were wrong; these were not my friends. This is very important.
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Ill talk first about my First Love; After much time analyzing and going over information concerning my first love for the purpose of separating from her, trying to find out the core reasons for this catastrophe; The Universe; after months and months of work on it; has shown me the beginning; finally; of the basic answer; Friendship.
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My First Love was not my friend; What does this mean?
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This means; my first love was not what I thought she appeared to be; she was not safe. I and her did not mix ( I didn’t know this); and we did not hit it off ( I didn’t know this). I didn’t know this. I was trying to take a very dangerous individual and mold her into a pattern I could relate with( the insanity is taking a dangerous person and doing anything with them or being within 100 miles of them). I was trying to turn her into my friend when inside her no decent or safe person existed… and no friend existed… We did not connect at any level; I did not know this. I was being coerced.
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Imagine a serial killer at the state Penitentiary and I trying to become friends with them. What would happen; Well; they don’t have friends; they take hostages now don’t they; They would manipulate me right out of my own identity and would never know what happened; they are master manipulators; And that is all they are; predators; they don’t have the first clue what it would feel like to need a friend or make one. However, the serial killer would look like everyone else; No one would tell the difference… At first; I wouldn't tell the difference while talking to them; it would take awhile until I noticed something wasn't right. However; the other question would be; Why in the world would I go to a prison and make friends with anyone. And; why am I not able to make friends with people I feel are safe… Why am I turning to unsafe toxic people… And why would I blindly give myself completely to them.
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The point is; Im walking up to someones house to become friends with them and I don’t even know if they are safe to become friends.. and I don’t know them so I know if we would be friends. In the end; it is not safe to be near this person; Im looking back in horror and shock as I actually attempt to even think about getting near any of these people. How could I have not known this or forgotten this; I was so traumatized. I mean; this is right out of the books on wisdom on not what to do!
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So; now my mind is getting clear on all of this a bit. And by getting a clear mind on it; I can separate from it a lot easier.. This was not a friend of mine; this was not my friend; this was a stranger. This would never be a friend of mine under all circumstances. Some how I was not getting the message… I was innocently giving myself away to a Jackal or a monster.. And worse; I was doing so openly and with all interest. Im setting myself up to be be-headed and I don’t even know it!
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NOTE: concerning my first love; the girl up the street. Lets get something strait; She physically acted out a part when I first met her of a girl that was innocent sensitive loving caring and neglected and that needed to be loved; she acted this role out perfectly with her body her mind and her eyes; so much so; I thought she had a sensitive inner being and inner child. She played the distant soulmate look perfectly; I would catch her in a school bus looking at me when I was laughing on the school bus or talking to others; she would look over like she got it from 40 feet away; she got what I was thinking; Just like a soulmate; Heres the deal; it was all fake. Every single inch of it; all of it; 100% percent.. This was just a sycophant playing someone. She had no desire or intent on being my friend; she did not see me as a friend of any kind; it was all a contrived game. Her goal was to rope someone in; set them up; pull the rug out of them; then shut the door and never let them back in as if she had never met them… It was a game for this type… I meant nothing to this person; she did not know me; she saw me as a sucker; because a sucker is born every minute. She was not planning on ever talking to me again or seeing me again. It was just fun games for her. Nothing more… In the end she simply started going out with someone else and acted like she had never known me or ever met me; it was all a game to see if she could destroy me; a Thrill kill!
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Im looking back at this in shock. Im learning and starting to realize as I wake up about who I can become friends with and who I cant or wont… And wanting to know this discernment is the beginning of caring about myself; loving myself as I wake up.
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Im trying to describe this; get my feelings out about it so I am happy with what Im expressing by expressing in words the depth of what I want to express through words; the meaning of seriousness surrounding this.
This would be someone to avoid if I saw them in a store or somewhere and I didn’t know them; I would shy away real fast and head down the other side of the isle. I would never be caught dead around someone like this in the first place; Because I would be dead if I was around them at some point.
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If I was looking for a friend; this would be impossible… This would be the opposite of safety.
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Looking back in horror; My God; what did I do? How could I have; I had no discernment for right or wrong at that moment or finding friendship; Before this as a small child I was always cautious about this but even then I got fooled the same way. I remember at her house I remember red flags; they meant nothing to me… not to many; but I remember.
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Im looking back and thinking my God; What was I doing or thinking; I was basically taking a predator and being friends with it; I mean; Gee; a; could I possibly be setting myself up for massive trauma when I get destroyed…. But its worse then that; much worse; this type of monster can cause death or disability in others and would and especially in me; What was I thinking? And this is whom Im going to hang with; so I can be friends. This is who I pick from the vast world of people.. My God; am I safe to be around myself when Im this blind.
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Im looking at this as; Ive got to be more careful who I make friends with; Im not naive… Actually Im not that naive; but in this case I was completely naive and crazy… I must have been… Not to think danger was around the corner for me when doing something like this… Dissociative disorder…
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NOTE: I was fully suckered and that bothers me; I mean; not only am I way better then this and smarter then this; Im more intelligent then to have anyone like this scumbag even in my surroundings. And yet; I ended up completely manipulated. And it was up to me to keep showing up. And I did. And I paid a horrible price for this imbecilic choice not to turn around and walk away.. What bothers me the most; so many red flags; but I never thought anything bad could happen to me. In fact; I just stayed in my dream world about everything.. I certainly paid for that with my life.
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IM BACK;
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What is the point of all this; of getting over my first love; Once she is gone; gone from my nervous system and mind and spirit and soul and memories; once I see the real truth about her I can move on and start meditating and manifest someone new in my life.. Thats what this is all about..
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My First Love has been lodged within me like teeth lodged into someones Jaw; roots going overly deep. The only way out is to Hire a doctor and pay to have it removed… Once its removed I can think about getting something new… That means God…
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Im getting closer; Those thoughts of her are lodged in my brain and when Im triggered they pop up all over the place…
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Am already feeling it; Taking responsibility for every area of my life. Right now that means; Hobbies; Relationships; Callings like Music n Art; and Money manifestation…
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When I was a very young boy; I thought I would be doing everything myself ( working)( my own planning) for what I wanted; I never saw anyone else involved. And now Im starting to get back to that place; a place of independence. And for me that is freedom; But Ill have to earn my way back to my free thinking; and its already happening; Earn my way into a new way of thinking.
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For those who want something in life and don’t know how to get it; meditation prayer and a thing; a thing studied and practiced; much like playing a musical instrument; Faith… Ill be working with the concept of faith. Nothing could be worse for me.
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Ive hit my first real money addiction problem lately; Video games; Ive been buying them everyday… for a while now. Each day seems like a new day. But I forget; I didn’t pay for the lasts days video games…
So; its getting embarrassing; Its all good if I stop now; Im at my limits… So; Ive now attempted a few things to get off line… We will see what happens; hopefully Ill turn to other hobbies for awhile.
So; I was at another Christian based 12 step group and saw a very cool Christian based modern movie. And these movies are so goooood!
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What God is telling me after many years of recovery work. Somethings from my past I wont be solving; Ive gotten close enough… Now; God is telling me to follow God; How bad do I want it. Ive got a shot at a new life.
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Q; to God…
“ What about the past God?; I wasnt able to save them” What God tells me is “ Dont worry about it” “ follow me into a new life.. “How bad you want it” “ How bad do you want that new life”. “ Let the dead bury the dead”.
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I do have porn problem; Like most guys I know; So; Im asking God for help with that… If I get into a relationship; I suppose its got to go!
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Im assuming God is going to bring me back to civilization again and it seems to be true… I guess; we will see… Im slowly slowly slowly rising to (from) Gods work.
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Ive stopped buying video games; it was nice; I think I spend as much as some people spend on a car. I mean; this is crazy; but I prayed the whole time and its actually been therapeutic and gotten me to where Im at now. So the video games are really helping me. ( or round 1 has helped) Im done with round 1…
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Video games;
Therapy for many aliments. However; I think Im done as for buying things; it was getting to easy and I really liked the freedom of it; but I was not checking my day to day spending amounts with video games. I mean; I would go on several sites and see cool games for sale; down load and do it. What I didn’t realized is; sometimes I was buying numerous games every day. Well; after a month or 2; thats going to add up to a numerous amount of money doing that every day. And I over ran my account balance by a large margin; so much so its a bit embarrassing to talk about. Anyway; live n learn. Man it was turning into an addiction to buy instead of actually using them; it was so much fun buying them and organizing them; much like a collecting hobby; I like to collect cool video games; but not all at once thank you! But I did it! Or Ill be broke for ever… anyway. Ill pray about it and work on not doing it anymore…
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So; I see a pathway and a future… And its without anyone from the past… And some of that is cool and free and some of that is exhilarating and scary and some of that is horrible and painful and sorrowful. And some of that Is awful….
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God has told me; If I want what God has to offer then let the dead bury their own dead and follow him. And thats what Im going to do because it leads to a new life And I can see it and feel it and Im getting examples of it. And I will be rewarded… God will take care of me…. But I cant take the past with me regardless if I understand why things happened or didn’t happen or if I think things are half done or not at this point specifically for me. All God… Seek God on this; seek God follow God… Constantly.
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Ill start the rest in the next blog…
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