July 2025
June 2025
First;
Notice I didnt bring up music; Why? Because daily its getting answers... More n more the inner planning brain is taking over and becoming present... The idea is to create a composition as a composer; then; use tools to communicate it to the audience... And since my brain has kind of started coming back from trauma; its not perfect; but enough to see God is creating ways for my workable rehabilitation for my brain by using music creation. Its become so simple. And with this base concept; Im now imagining as I work with this plan or base.... Its about God helping me rehabilitate; These are part of the methods for such things... Its my call to God for help; God is becoming my family... and this is how he does it!
Great...
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ART; OKE; Unfortunately; Art is not like Music Creation... Im having problems.
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I have no base; PTSD is at the base; dissociation is at the base; Im trying to wake up and break through into a workable daily model for Art creation...
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Do I need a life before I Create Art and I use art as a distraction for my life; is this the motivator?
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I thought came to me; Id look at Art that excites me; and create my own version; That sounds good...
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However, Who will see the Art; where do I keep it; is it suppose to be personally satisfactory and the art is kept in a closet? Maybe; But that doesnt work; What about a youtube channel... Where Im making art and music and putting it on channel... OKe; Well; I dont know...
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Who do I connect with! That is important; but more important is aligning with the universe...
aligning with the universe is why music creation is working; at least freed up a bit. But what about Art. I want Art as something exciting I get up for... An idea on Art or something; Anything!
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So...... Ill meditate...
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RELATIONSHIPS:
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As I move down the energy river and learn more and more;
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1. She gave me the opportunity; I didn't appreciate it.. I valued it; but I didn't appreciate that immediate moment it was offered; I thought it would be offered at a later time so I could kick back and wait; But that's not what happened. I was given a special opportunity to join someone; and at that moment I was kind of arrogant and fu$%kdd around and suddenly it was gone; I no longer had the opportunity.. The opportunity was taken away.
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Here is an example of an opportunity gone tragically wrong! This is an example of no appreciation...
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A gentleman needed a Liver Transplant... He had been alcoholic... He was brought into the Doctor's office and the Doctor told him that luckily he was now eligible for a Liver transplant... However, he opened his mouth to the Doctor Jokingly; That he would probably go use drugs on it as soon as he got it; joking around! Immediately this gentleman was told; He was no longer on the list and would not be eligible for a Liver Transplant. The Dr had the power to decline him; and the Doctor declined him because of the future patients arrogant comment. And that was that! No Liver transplant. I believe that means; this patient will die at some point! Im sure the patient had wished he had cared about something in life; because his opportunity was lifted from him and death would come about for sure! That was a stupid thing for this man to say to the Doctor and it will cost him his life! This is wisdom or the lack of it!
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Im like this patient who needed the Liver Transplant. I through away an opportunity given to me by someone else.. and thus it was pulled out from underneath me; the permission to follow through. The offer was taken back and those who offered it; left to never return...
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RELATIONSHIPS:
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So; when an opportunity was presented to me; I turned on the presenter; I became defensive... and run away. I wanted to see if they would run after me because they really wanted me or liked me...
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However, I did not go back to them if they never came to me to save me. I mean; I never talked to them about it.
but as I write about this; obviously something is wrong and not safe or I would have never done it in the first place.
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I think and know the key to the answer at that moment; Get on my Knees to God over n over n over; stay out of the outcome; just keep taking it to God until God gives me an answer and rebuilds my life back...
God will manifest what I believe; So I have to believe I deserve something honest and good for my life and brought to me by honest people.! and by God... However, I have to work with God to learn how to believe again... And that is a whole other set of pathways and development!
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I refused to go back; I did not trust the person... and I wanted to get over them. I wanted to sit back and wait and see if they came to me; They did not. And I thought; why didnt I just go to them... I supposedly liked them... I guess I came into a horrible situation of liking someone; or falling for them when I actually fell for their charm and not them! I mistaked their manipulation for their authentic self and I had no idea! I just didn't! I was sad and horrified that anyone would even consider doing something like this to me! I felt so worthless afterward; being manipulate and rejected; and I want to get over this...
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If I walk away from someone in a break from them; should I go back and try to fight for them and to make things work! If not; I feel alone and left alone.. And that I could never find someone like this again; someone I felt so smooth with and myself! However, I knew they were using me or playing me ; after awhile!
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So; It was a kind of false happiness... I was not valued..... I learned not to appreciate anything ever again. I no longer cared about the opportunities brought in front of me; what's the point; its been created by corrupt people; who cares!
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Ill have to work through this; So I can get my social abilities back!~ Because that power to fix a problem and face a problem with a person; all of this was gone! And now; I would like it back; So; Ive got to work with God on this and let God take me down a pathway to develop and trust again in the practice of these things.
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First Love; She was a sociopathic pathological liar... She faked the whole thing and waited until I was in; completely in; dedicated or believing I had a friend and a best friend and wife; And then suddenly turned on me; and finally dumping me and throwing me away; no concious; no remorse; Nothing... She didnt feel a thing.... She was a pathetical liar; All aspects of my association with her were faked by her... all of them; 100%... No Concious... Nothing! A Complete sociopath...
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Its my job with God to slowly work on getting over this insanity crime... And its happening; Im slowly feeling new aspects of this situation and thus; allowing the poison out; one step at a time and allowing God to bring back my nervous system.
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So; as for FIRST LOVE: IT slowly; with Gods help; I slowly move away from it and back to self with Gods help; And thats whats happening... Its all hardcore and very difficult; all of this... and way beyond this...
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ART; Ill pray and meditation and see when the universe brings the answers...
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Art; Been watching Youtube vids on Art; Artist; Getting the information I need but dont want to hear and dont like.
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HEre it is;
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It has to do with success; so its not something new I haven't heard before.
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I have to work with God to get control of my time. A certain amount of time will be spent daily or twice a day or what ever; by free choice; submitting myself to Art; Art work. Praying first.... I give myself over to God; God gives permission to my mind to create Art in that certain time period... Submission! Submission by choice.
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I will; through discipline; slowly learn to give my time over to Art until I become Art and Art conscious. Until Art and time meld...
Its like someone who practices Karate all day long; it cant happen unless someone is willing to learn to give up their time for Karate... I mean; that means they give up their freedom and their other choices for this one choice; so; one has to be willing to work with God doing what they love to do and doing it; making TIME for it... And that is what Im going to do for Art; Art demands it. I know Aet is one of my callings; So; if I align with God; Art will be how I spend my free time...
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In Music Creation its the same thing but its not. Its a system plan building up from nothing for the sake of accomplishment to learn how to create and perform... I mean; Ive got the audience... Meaning; I can start with anything; 2 sticks my hand clapping; write up a short composition for 2 hands clapping; go to a group of people somewhere and perform it for a half a minute and Im done. The key is getting in touch with the universe
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IN Art; I dont have the audience. I must have discipline first to want to spend time fooling around with art regardless; Its about character not art! Art has to become a THING! I mean; Im InTo it Thing... Attraction not promotion...
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Ill use my computer gaming desk as Art desk; its an Art desk to start with... So; I use it only for my computer; so Ill use it for both... easy. Move the keyboard out of the way and there it is... Great! Actually I use it for both; I use the computer for Art so it all makes sense sitting right in front of me; Everything is making sense.
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Discipline; Ill pray about it first; The changing of time into Art Time. ANd its that simple but very torturously hard... Im suddenly exposing myself to the world and in high fashion... Art is a high cultural thing. Its like moving from bumhood to aesthetically-principled... I mean. Its a big giant omission; Im gold going through metal; detect me... Detect de detector... words gettn tight...
Its for real.....
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Its about time and what I do with it; thats what Im learning how to harness... I mean; that is big and immortal...
Does it matter what I do with that time; its Art! Start making Art! doesnt matter; in that time!
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So; Im getting it and its scary because Im changing my mind during that time period completely changing it! And that is a power I have not had in a long time and Im not sure I still have it... I mean; ITs a high cultural choice... Its about time... and what I do within that time. My God! Me In charge...
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MUSIC:
What electronic stuff do i buy to play live and dont I save for... things are changing; its about making sounds out in front of others.
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WEIGHT LOSS: MY GOD.... I mean; if I become a performer.............?
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So; Ill keep praying and working at it...
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So; this is really scary and vulnerable. Its about changing my thinking away from survival mode into much higher level of self actualization. Its like suddenly; FLip the switch... I go from Bum Mode to Art Mode...
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This enough for this blog.
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