July 2025
June 2025
Art; Where am I? Im searching for the beginning; for the beginning foundation to create. meaning; breaking down things into there base levels; Meditation; so the universe can tell me where to begin with Art. WHat is the beginning subject. Until I know this beginning; I wont start; thus; I have to get on my knees to God more n more and get back in my starting lane..
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Women and Relationships...
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Im about 50/50% when it comes to relationships and I continue grow everyday. Relationships are like music and Art; Im trying to start over again... So I have to process everything out and start over at the base.
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Im working with God; 100 hours on my knees Thanking God and 100 hours in meditation will do me much greater results to answer these problems...
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I feel Im fairly close to an Art base; I just dont know what it is. Because i'm not aligned with that part of self. Im still in flated and arrogant and mad.. Im resentful and lost.
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Do I create figures out of real tree limbs or create animals on walls like our ancestors in caves? Do I take a cane and scribble out pictures and drawings in the sand at a beach? WHat do I do? How do I get started; what is the base.
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Im music I got it! I know where Im starting; Im starting from a stand point of composition; Thats whats important.
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Give me a few sticks to click together; and some hand clapping and how about a looper... and a mike. I can make all the compositions I want before I start... Thats all I need; a table top to drum on and some lyrics and tapping my feet on the ground; All written out in a composition. I can start out with click sound created by tapping 2 pieces together with wood. I get it; Its about the composition; thats what id be creating and performing and both would be of equal quality; both in the studio and performing. What I create; I perform; the purpose of creating is to perform.
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But what about Art; How Do I " Perform" it! And Im not getting a clear of picture of COMPOSITION As my main element of interest because; it seems like no one would be seeing it. Thus; Im not sure where Im going with Art; I mean; the deeper levels; thats what I have to work out with the universe first. I dont know yet what it looks like or where I would show it or who would see it; how would I perform it...
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Performance art; but those type of performances are rare; not every weekend... I mean....
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RELATIONSHIPS:
THis is about getting over my First Love; thats where it starts. My remembrance of her is kind of a melancholy sorrow; a kind of Dysthymia depressional... Like looking back because I dont have anything in the present; However, the problem with that is; The whole graveyard underneath that has been moved and changed and Im about to explode out of that into a whole new world.
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Im just kind of waiting for the universe to break through the walled blocks that are holding me and or holding me in. Thus; I Have to get on my knees and keep bowing down to God until the insights come....
Relationships are kind of like Art for me. I cant really start until I have that foundation; until it appears... Much like it did for music. For music; my thinking completely changed direction...
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I went from someone who fooled around and dabbled with instruments to someone who actually like to create compositions. Compositions are my thing... And that is clear now; Clear'r then before...
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So; I have deeper resentments and dissociation and numbness and anger and repressed anger and hated and melancholy and sadness and defeat; This means the PTSD is still very active at a lower level; and I want that recurring stuff to stop; Its hooked into sexual abused PTSD and many other things; I want it worked out so I can be myself again and be free.
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Im assuming my Art ill come first; the ability to know why Im creating Art and where to start...
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As I said before; Ill start bringing up Art ideas and start praying about them on my knees with my head down bowed to the floor...
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FIRST LOVE:
As I grow inside; Or; grow upward; from all the recovery processes Im involved in... Its an inside job and Im growing upward... Suddenly Im stronger than I used to be; and I can see my higher power making me strong enough to face this person when I was a teenager; suddenly I can see and feel the gap between where I was at and what I was suppose to do when young. I was supposed to face that person and talk things out and I never did. I was 2 afraid and young as a young teenager... And I had a good reason to be afraid. I had gotten in over my head with the wrong people; and I never stood up for myself and faced anything( I needed to face those people; dealing them and leave). Today; my higher power wants me to face things in my past. So; Im finding my new found power; This coming from the universe is seeping back into my past into my memories of the past and recreating me to be a more powerful person who will eventually face what I was supposed to face in those days. I think it will be translated for today in the form of new stories of old events and relationships; where I re write a better ending to those stories; and thus learn to face a new life now! All that I'm facing in the past is practice for facing things now; and that's all its really about; its about taking care of unfinished business from the past; its about saving myself with my higher powers help...
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I have to learn to be around better people. A lot of the problems of the past would have been eliminated if I had been around better people. The people I was associating with could do no better then they did... No other story could have developed accept a tragic story if am surrounding myself with these lolife people... And I have to face up to that. Being lazy did not work things out for me. I ended up in the wrong Forests with the wrong people and with out any help or support and I got slaughtered and no other story could have occured when dealing with those people.
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If I hang out with Snakes; Im going to get bit. If I hang out with the same snakes the next day; Im going to get bit again. If I hang out with the same snakes 6 months in a row; Im going to get bite several times in the next 6 months; Its never going to stop... It will never change. All that can happen; I have to change and then once gaining some character; I can hang out with better people of quality where I live a safer life with a better outcome.
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NOTE; Ive been scared because of lack of money; What I have to do is; talk to God on my knees; start creating new stories of others accepting me...
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Now; with my higher powers help; I work on facing all from that past; one episode at a time.
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I look back at my First Love and wonder; No way Im supposed to be with that person; she is 1000 miles away... In the sense; shes so high up on the food chain I could never touch that! WHat do I do. WHere do I start. At what level would I have started at; started to develop my life and where...
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This is important as Im at the place. Ive had enough recovery that if I had been placed back in those times; and realized I had to seperate from that person because they were in another league then me. Fine; However, what about me... I mean; THey leave for good and continue with their privileged life or what ever it is; and what ever it was was none of my business. But what about my life; WHere would I have started. Im a sensitive person and would have started at the beginning of something; What is that something? Thats what Im trying to figure out now as I accept the past...
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NOTE: Must get on my knees a thousand times through all of this; head down; submission to God.
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So; if the whole world abandon me as it did when young; And others with their privileged lives continued down their golden pathways created by someone elses privilege; WHat about me. Lets assume I work through the trauma of that time and Im all alone but in the recovery process; Now what. The world had been pulled out from underneath me. Fair enough. But now what? If I heal up and am able to function at a base level; and Others are long gone.
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Ive spent these years focusing on what others did to me and the negative kind of people they were; But I was 2 mentally ill and withdrawn and without anything; any love; nothing; and could not function; I was 2 below the starting mark; most of the time I couldn't kill myself I was to mentally ill.
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So; lets assume I imagine Ive gone back in time and my First Love had stopped all association with me because she figures she can get way better and Im a weakling of no regard; thus Im dumped of no interest. Fair enough; Im at the lowest end of everything; now what do I do... Im OKE; Im at a base level; functioning. But while others are heading off to Ivy League schools and new relationships and all the other worldly things they get to do; they are gone. I no long focus on them; I start in the recovery process focusing on myself; What will I be doing? I mean; seriously; where do I start.. Were would I have started; to build a life! What would I do to re build a life or build one for the first time... That is what Ill be talking to my higher power about at this point...
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Im starting to lose focus on the past and the people in it... God is helping me with it... Slowly!
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So; that is the next Goal. Ill talk to God and align with God first and see where I start my life...
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Next day; More ideas; more stuff...
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First; Another final answer to the First Love question; WHat went wrong here; And the universe answers me; another final smash of reality;
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SHE NEVER LOVED ME!
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So; here I was as a teenager; hitting on it hard like a shark; sweeping her off her feet; wanting to make her into my best friend; and a wife. And in the end; I lose... I gambled; I lost; I was defranchised by something I never saw; I had hit on the wrong girl from the beginning. It did not matter what I did; SHe never loved me and was never going to or I think able.
She was turned on my aggressive shark like behavior to win her or sweep her off her feet. However, In the end her excitement could not last; when the thrill of being pursued died; nothing remained because no feelings existed in the first place.
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I had nothing else to offer; my life was not developed... I was seeking someone to love me.
Who's fault is this? Neither!
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The problem was; I was fishing in the wrong lake. I was in the dark forests... the wrong forests; I was at the wrong residence. I was playing around in the wrong neighborhood... I went down the wrong ally way!
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Now; Im in the recovery process. where I learn that its relativity safe; I mean; no doors have ever been slammed in my faced from a recovery meeting... Ive learned trust; to trust again and that the whole world is not against me...
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Im earning that; when I lost or made a mistake or I gambled and lost ultimately; I dissociated from reality... and at some point began to use drugs and alcohol to escape the who thing.
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I was directionless. I had no guidance system helping me or showing me the right directions. Going down those dead ends were like being asleep...
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NOTE: THere is hope; Align with my higher power; Align to a point that God acts as genie and grants me my every wish. All I have to do is pray until The universe begins to show up with what I prayed for.
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I ended up sweeping girls off their feet; only to find months later; they felt nothing for me. I tried occupations but added no responsibility to them because they were the wrong occupations and I did not know what to do.
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Its not that I didn't take action at first; but I ended up down dead ends over n over n over; so much; I just gave up and I went away from society and just crushed... And I stayed this way and got worse. In in isolation I would have stayed if things had not gotten bad enough for the recovery world for me to enter; and I did; and its made all the difference and here I am today.
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NOTE; The goal is alignment with a higher power...
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Today; Im working with a higher power; Jesus; GOd Universe; to help me; to hold me; to direct me... And its working if I Bow down before my God... That means on my knees; my head down. meditation is also a form of submission for me. Not sure about anyone else; but I know Im going in the direction God when I meditate. Meditation allows answer to come from me from GOd...
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So; Im working on Music, and Art Creation; and Relationship understandings; How is it going? today the 16th of Jan 2023.
The universe and God/Jesus and Holy Spiritus... have brought me answers...
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Music creation;
The universe brought the final answer to me not long ago; and Ive been sharing it in my blogs since; and will continue to until I get tired of it.
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From musician to composer...
So; My mind and thinking switch from playing an instrument to; I am a composer; I love creating compositions of things. THus; Im not a musician; Im a composer; First; I am to perform first; everything is based on performance; not nerd studio isolation creation in the basement... So; performance/composing? 50/50% across the board; both must be thought out sought out even across the board... Thats the idea; Ive never done it before.
So; I can start with hand claps; writing a composition for hand clapping; I can create a few notes on paper and go anywhere to get started performing this; I can tap to sticks together and call that a performance; so; lots of open-ended possibilities here.
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Music Creation problems. Im slowly learning about my stage fright.. its so bad and anxiety filled; I could not do anything; relationships music school; Nothing; I could not function or budge; nothing. So; I see the stage fright of being in front of an audience and interacting with them close up; this includes music performance...
And this brings up another issue; what exactly do I need; the machines for live music performance. WHat do I need to take to this gig... I dont know the basic things I need for a live performance; Im learning and readying; it will be awhile.
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ART; Well; This is an area Im still working on. What am I doing here; what am I suppose to draw or paint or created and Why am I doing this... Where is the alignment I need from God; What is my Art purpose? ( Appreciation falls into this; )
Ive got some new answers. God has shown me that I simply need to be interested in what Im doing; in creating... it must be the number one point or purpose; and interest in the compositional creative process of art making! I must be obsessed with Art making; really interested in it... Not worrying about any outcome. Once have a new take and thinking process on making art; making the art first; exploring art; loving to create and craft and work on Art; once I get that base interested back; I can do something with the art work ethic... Its about being interested.
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The universe helped me create a new story for myself; seeing myself in all new environments; and then I thought about creating art in imagined environments as if I was in those environments... and this gave me a new perspective on Art creation; a new freedom.. is it perfect; No! Not yet; its still not a complete aligned answer with the universe; However; there is movement here.
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RELATIONSHIPS;
FIRST LOVE; Am I over her?
The first process my higher power wants from me is to Get Over My First Love. Of Course; the universe will help me do this; Im not stuck out on an empty island somewhere expecting to be superman and solve this in any time soon; Atho Ive been reporting it for years and years and finally started working on it!
THe universe is helping me everyday as I ask for help...
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Where am I in this process of moving forward from old social situations..
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First Love; She did not love me. End of story.
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Now; I have to learn to not dissociate; or use drugs over this; just stand on my own 2 feet with my high powers help and love and go to allot of 12 step meetings to survive this all.
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I do not use drugs anymore; so that wont be a problem there... but its still very hard not dissociating from the present reality... . I gambled; I lost and I did not know how to handle loss! Im just learning about it....
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So.........
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I will work with my higher power; alignment is the most important key... And meditation and being on my knees to God on every thought and desire... All of them. The Goal is to have my Higher power out front driving the bus... Im in the back praying.... Let my higher power bring things to me. Let me pray to my higher power for what I want!
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Relationships; God just told me when I was on my knees praying; a thought came to me; I saw a women's heart; and suddenly a Fire began in it; a glowing; a kind of love; put in her heart from the universe; and its to give to me.
So; The idea is; I get inline with my higher power in alignment; and I work with GOd to go in the proper direction according to my guidance system from the universe and follow this path; and thus; now; Ill be led to the good forest and the bright neighborhoods and the right fishing hole... and thus; when I grab my fishing pole and put it into the stream; This time when I catch a fish; that fish will be the right fishy... with a heart naturally burning for me from the universe. Her heart will be the guiding direction. I will be aware of that heart; but it is the universe in me that sees that heart; God in me; that is headed toward that Heart LIght! I have to go with it; but stay out of the drivers seat. And that is the wisdom of the day!
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FIRST LOVE: Im finding one misgiving Im taking to God concerning First Love; That feeling of my soul raping around her like I was a Father and she was a little girl that I was suppose to worry about for ever; for the rest of my life.
Who put that universal desire in me to love her internally like this; and why Her! Ill ask God this; For this is kind of a Universal quality that goes with a man when he finds his real wife...
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Did she fake it; play acting this role so I would fall for this role myself; Its possible. But could she fake it with God. I mean... God is the one who comes out of me into someone else; he drives the desire..
Possibly; I started out thinking I had a nice girl; And God began to realize this was not; that she was a fake; and suddenly watching; God began to pull me away from her and get me out of there. This seems closer to the truth and yet its this part that hurts so much; because its like; I wasnt even worth having someone to really love... Instead I was being destroyed and God had to save me...
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SATANS TRIX.... one Trick of Satan is to wear the cloak of light as if Satan is God; and thus attract the Innocent to the light! Once the innocent show up; Satan begins to lie to them; charm them; taking them off center so he can groom them lead them on and destroy them. And that is what happened to be; I got destroyed that way.
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Ive been through it; ITs no picnic... No way to tell... by the time I began to understand something is wrong; its 2 late; Im already going down with the Titanic. Its not a game; ( This is no game; was no game); because the satanic personality Im dealing with is a murder'r... It means nothing to them; they will push something to see how far they can getaway with it....
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NOTE: Im doing all this writing from orders of the universe that I get better; get it all out; let the poison come out slowly and slowly let the universe reveal the truth to me that God can take care of me being under Gods care and move on safely...
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So; That part of me; that natural innocent part of me to worry about someone; all of that got triggered and raped on purpose by this satanic perpetrator. Its very hard to trust anyone ever again...
This part of things; Ill take to God for God to work out; this natural part of me; my soul; wanting to adore her as if she is a helpless little girl... All of that was faked by her ( Its sickening and brutally evil)! So; my personality was ruptured... I had no defenses; had no idea of anything... Nothing!
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So; Ill take it to God.
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The idea is to get help from God...
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