July 2025
June 2025
FIRST LOVE...
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Was she worth it! Yes! DId I ever want to admit that or have the character to admit it; NO!
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As I work with God on my First Love; on what happened to me? IT is made clear from God I must work this thoroughly to move on. Im now at a deeper understanding of what happened or what might have happened... and thus; Ill need to make amends...
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Making amends is several steps of the 12 step process; usually worked through a step working guide under the help of a Sponsor from a 12 step groups. A sponsor is someone Ive chosen to mentor me and help me work through the 12 step steps...
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What are the 12 steps;
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A general breakdown of information from a 12 step guide;
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"First developed in 1935; The 12 Steps is a program of recovery designed to help individuals suffering spiritually from Hurts habits and hangups; to attain long-lasting, contented Sanity Hope and peace.
The 12 Steps outline a path to spiritual progress through a series of actions designed to elicit what a “psychic change” – a complete mental, emotional, and spiritual shift in perception.
Many believe the 12 Steps can be a critical element of a long-term recovery program. Accordingly, to include the teachings and principles into our treatment program program for spiritual living. "
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So; Each step works off the other; building a foundation of freedom for spiritual growth; One starts on step one first; One does not skip around; The steps are in order for a reason.
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At some point in the later steps comes the idea of making amends to people I have harmed. Why would this be important? Because I feel shame. Im afraid Ill continue to find resentments in others; and keep creating reasons to make amends to people. When I learn to take responsibility for how I treat people; things go better for me and I stop creating problems with others and thus eliminate the need to keep making amends to people. I seemed to have forgotten that I can always walk away from others before problems start.
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Becoming smart about things; how to live;
When I have a higher power running my life ( For me its God); I pray first and learn to see the signs; Im only looking for others who worship and depend on a higher power; Ill skip all other situations.
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I can randomly walk around outside in the world aimlessly; thus blindly falling into traps and falling into others; where I was never invited... When I have no recovery life...
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When working with a higher power running my life. I tend to attract only those that have a higher power; Im not really interested in anyone else. And this keeps me out of a lot of trouble. Im very keen on only inviting others in the recovery process within my life; no one else.. This keeps me away from falling into traps.
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AMENDS...
PRIDE BEFORE THE FALL;
My mistakes (Pride) against others blocked any future development with them; regardless of who they were in my life( I did not appreciate anything) . I stopped or cut off my future; I destroyed ever knowing what could have happened; good our bad right or wrong with others. Ill never know what could have happened; that was because of me; not the other person; and PRIDE: Thats what Im mad about... Thats what Im mad at( Im mad at PRIDE); Im mad at me. Im mad at losing control of myself; losing myself... losing contact with my life... and then blaming it on someone else. Im mad at not admitting to others that I liked them and wanted to give them a chance in my life. I chickened out...
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Altho I claim all kinds of criminal Horror put against me by the first girl I fell for; I still caused all of the problems I had with here; ( I was a big talker who could not back anything up and I didnt have the courage to tell her that; or the courage to ask her to be with me anyway; regardless). I took her inventory but never take any inventory of myself; of what I DID to her! I only look at what she did to me. ITs important to get my side of the street cleaned up; If I clean up my association with her; any wrongs I have done; I can move on much easier because Im right with GOd!
And God knows this! And I know this! I dont like it; but I now it. And i know when I make amends in one form or another; its one more sign she is gone and never coming back. And I dont want to live with what I did... That I caused this.
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So; Im at that point where Im now looking at and inventory of only what I did to here and to make amends. Im not interested in what she did to me!
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I do not have to locate or contact her to make amends. My higher power or a sponsor from a 12 step group can enlighten me on other ways of making amends... THere are many other ways to make amends without the other person present...
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So; Ill be working on this. I can pray about it and meditation; getting closer to God. I can make a list of what Ive done. I can tell my sponsor or others in a group what I have done; ( If I feel safe doing so; within a group of people); That is up to me. Certainly Ill tell My sponsor and God.
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Ill pray for her and ask God to forgive me. Ill pray over n over that she have everything I could ever want in my life; Amen... 20 times in a row; everyday for 2 weeks to start with...
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I can look at my roll in things. For example.
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How did I meet this girl in the first place. Well; A drug addict liar thief scam artist con man asked me to go up to his house and meet the people in this house. To drive us up there!
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OKE: WHat am I doing around a using drug addict; What am I doing around a liar and a pathological thief. THis is actually a great place to start looking at my life dysfunction at that time( my roll in things). What could I have done differently; lets say I didnt go with him to his house to meet these new people.. Did he tell anyone at his home he was inviting guests? Was he even safe to drive a car? Did the girl at the house have any idea we are showing up to meet her and others? So; The girl never invited me up to her house; others did! She never wanted to meet me in the first place.
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Does this drug addict driving the car sound like the kind of person I should be associating with; ( should I really be meeting his family; What can I expect from them; will it be safe). What kind of mental condition am I in that I would go with someone like this anywhere; in the first place.
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I didnt think much of myself... If I had any self worth I would not be around some scumbag like that using drug addict liar thief driving the car... ... And what was a scumbag like that doing near where I lived?
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Why didnt I run away or lock myself in my room and stay there... That is a great question. Because most of the problems occur here; at the beginning point before I ever am driven up to someone's house where I will randomly meet this girl... The problem starts with how I feel about myself. I didnt feel anything for myself and I ended up being around others that didnt value me either.
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When I met this girl. Did I have expectations; Why? Did I think I knew something about her? WHy? Did I have an escape rout; Why not? Did I pray first before going? Did God sanction this situation. Was I cautious to learn everything I could about this person before I went any further with her? Why did I ever think I was really getting anywhere with her? I mean. I should have been in a church meeting new people my own age at the time... Not up at some junior sociopaths house waiting to get taken advantage of.
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In a sense; altho she was a criminal sociopath; or very near it and She set me up from the beginning to take a fall; What about me roll in it. Did I lead her on? and then never follow through? Did she care. Is it my ego and pride thinking I had such and influence over her that she liked me. Maybe she didnt... Maybe it was game or a lie; Why didnt I just figure on this; that she was lying in the first place; lying the whole time. My pride told me this couldn't be! Not possible. Why or where did I get a false pride at this level; to much isolation I guess. In the end there was not much of a relationship if any... my pride told me other-wise.
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What did I do to her? Did I cause her harm in anyway. YES! I caused all kinds of emotional harm! Meaning; I was not a very good friend... and I led her on but never talked to her about it and I never left her alone. I never told her how I felt. I would leave and come back; I always came back for a long while but never explained what I wanted or why; What was I doing there; I Was 2 chicken to tell her anything about what I wanted or why I was chicken or that I liked her or didnt like her... Nor admitted that any of this was my fault.
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NOTE: THis is starting to look like a maturity problem. Its like I had the maturity of a 11 year old when she needed the maturity of a later high school aged kid! She was to much for me! I just wasnt build like that. I wasnt one of those people. One of those extra mature boy-men pre matured by the time there 16; where they act like 40 year old men established. I wasnt like any of that; Im not like that now... I never will be. Im afraid I would never be mature enough for someone like this to sweep them off their feet. Not even now.. And Im closer to the end of my life. The whole thing makes me sick if you ask me! All of this kind of nonsense concerning having to be more mature then my chronological age; that is ridiculous! WHats more ridiculous and not finding new women to associate with at the time.
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NOTE: I had this horrible guilt that I was there to save her and I was the only one that could save her because I was the only one that could see her; see the real her! In the end I was wrong; there was nothing to see; it had all been faked by her! There was nothing wrong with her....
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I had allot of pride and anger from how I was brought up or abused and I could not function; did I tell her this first so she knew who she was dealing with; No! She knew nothing about me... So; I was not honest.
I found when it came time to become honest; I could not be honest! I never told her the truth because I didn't think I would be enough; I knew I would never be accepted because I was not in her league... ( I was not mature enough and never would be); Maybe if I had told her about who I really am and what I suffer from or feel inadequate about myself; maybe the whole thing would have ended immediately and I would have moved on and not waisted this strangers time!
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These are just some of the dishonesty and lies I created to get her to like me... Looking back; must of how I acted was a lie to get her to like me ( I had no self worth or self esteem)( no self respect?). Finally it all fell through... and I was dumped from being taken seriously. And thus it was over. Certainly I had massive good qualities about me that I assumed she should have seen; What kind of person wouldnt! Well; I was not around someone that cared about qualities within someone like me.
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NOTE: So a question arises. How could I have ever gotten hooked into a person of this stature! WHy? WHy didnt I just leave! I guess I was so lonely and decrepit. I was a throw away and had nothing.. For some reason at first; I thought she was like me. I thought she was lonely and a throw away and no one understood her... I was actually wrong! She was fine; popular in school; a great student. Had a mother and father and had no conceived depth from being broken away from her family... So; I was around the wrong people. Why this is just so unacceptable that I made this mistake; I dont know; its all PRIDE on my side of things; the bad kind of PRIDE>.
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So; I make a list of what I did against her and make amends;
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Why do I make amends? If I ever get into a situation like this again; I can learn to be perfectly honest with the other person about who I really am and what I expect... I can look someone in the eyes with no deceptive guilt for what I did to others from the past. Assuming my dissociative condition allows me to look in someones eyes...
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As I said; Im trying to clean up my side of the street. The resentments and lack of amends to my first love has kept me out of future relationships... its kept me withdrawn and angry and anti social; So; Now; I dont want that anymore; I want to become free!
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So; Im working with God on what it will take to regain my life back to myself so I am the owner of it and that I can become free! Free from her; free from the past.
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NOTES; That thoughts I think of her are what is keeping me locked down in her or by her! Im trying to change my thoughts; Im working on it right now!
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I want to feel good about myself; and making a list of how I harmed other people and making amends for it where it does not harm them or me and its with a sponsor and under God; this is a vital step to regaining my life back... And as I said; I can make what is called living amands; THis means; I don't have to actually talk to the other person; Instead its about how I now treat other people. A living amends can be done in general by treating other people respectively. Learning to be kind to people is a living amends for what I did to others in the past...
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Amends are not easy because they suggest I caused the problems with the other person or party.
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As for my First Love; looking at my roll in what I did to her; this is not easy; ( I have to look at what a lost human soul i was)This is not easy; I have allot of pride! ( The goal is learning to accept what Im not or never was and let go)(Its OKe to be me). Pride from my past life before I met her; this anger and hatred and strife and abuse got in the way communicating my feelings toward her. And I blamed her for this; because she was like everyone else in this world; all the bad world that was out to get me; Thats how I saw her! She represented society... I blamed her because I could not tell her how I felt...
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So; I have to come back to reality and make amends for these types of behaviors so I can be set free...
NOTE; I have to learn how to tell someone I really like; tell them how I feel.
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THE ULTIMATE GOAL>..
My Higher Power would like me to thoroughly work through everything associated with my first love so I can detach from her permanently; She was not a very nice person and my higher power does not want me remembering her or having anything get in the way of the future my higher power has planned for me. Pride is in the way! So is laziness! So is self centeredness...
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Anyway; THat is what Im working on now! Not fun. I mean; I have to face this; its not easy bowing down and submitting! In a sense Im bowing down to God and submitting to GOd to get the job done. Doing things right in Gods eyes; Im simply following directions; obviously something I could not do when I was young!
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My First Love will not be the only person I created amends for. Ive got a list of names. But SHe is the number one name on the list for this specific moment in my recovery work. ( I would never be enough to be with a girl like that when young or any other time in my life to be with a women of high maintenance like this. It will never happen; Its just wont). This was not my type of person and I didnt fit in. I didnt know that. But I also didnt want to know I was inferior or a loser and not good enough or mature enough... Somehow Im still snagged by her and Im working with God to accept who I really am and let go.
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MUSIC AND ART? WORK>...
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AFter talking about much issues surrounding music and Art creation.. Many things are moving through the wall. In fact; several issues of art have gotten addressed and I'm through the wall. Or almost through it. What is on the other side of the wall? Quietness and a simple concept of work!
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WORK;
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Jesus told the prostitute; "who is condemning you my daughter at this moment"; For Jesus told the onlookers; Those without sin throw the first stone at her. Thus in shame and guilt; they threw down there stones and walked away... Thus the prostitude trapped up against the wall was set free.
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Thus the daughter was free; free to leave and free to get on her knees and have a relationship with God if she wanted; But what then?
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Its now the next day; and the prostitute that talked to Jesus; Shes going to need a good 12 step group...
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As I walk through the walls;
After walking through the walls that have kept me bound for years and years from my good; after walking through them so I can start music and art again; What have I found! WORK!
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1. Im a beginning novice artist! altho I may have had intentions; I spent most of my life screaming about what others had done to me! I was the political activist against those who wronged me. I told the golden story of how my trauma kept me from functioning.
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In the victim process I never produced anything; I never actually worked at anything; instead I kind of went to war against everything because of what had been done to me by society! Thus I was seriously completely useless. I could not move; But this for many reason and mental health reasons.
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In the process; I never created any art work; Ever. Instead I screamed about how my condition stopped me from creating art work... and I screamed about those who put me in this condition.
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Now; after walking through the wall of hate and pain and fear and terror and hatred and low self esteem and anxiety and depression and oppression; The list goes on n on! At this point a strange occurrence occured.
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I never actually painted anything; Ive actually done little to no art work in my whole life... Stunned; I had to look at this.
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I realized; No wonder I didnt create any art work; WHen ever I actually sat down to paint I realized I was no good at it; but then I never practiced it ever. but I claimed to be; I claimed I was this brilliant artist kept from his good...
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When ever I encountered a moment where I had to be intelligent enough to create something; I bagged out on it and went to bar and drank... Or tried something else to ease my self cannibalism. Thus; in the process I never learned how to draw or paint more then a 5th grader. And I never learned to follow through.
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HERE I AM NOW>
Things have changed... I now know its all about work and nothing more. If I want to become any kind of artist beyond a stick person drawing machine; one who makes stick figures in art; if I want to get beyond that; I have to start painting and drawing everyday... Ill have to work at it. Does this mean Ill be any good at it; NO! Does this mean Ill be intelligent at it; NO! Does this mean Ill be a slow learner; YES! Probably! Is it still worth it? YES!
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I cannot think my way into becoming a new artist... I have to work my way into a new way of thinking; a way that suggests the respect for the WORK ETHIC of a thing. For; that is all I have left to work with... To work at something.
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Problems with Art; Im working with God on what Im suppose to do with this Art. However, first I have to get good enough to be an artist before I can ask that question. Thus; more of my arrogance shinning through
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MUSIC CREATION; Same thing for music creation as Art creation; Im in the same boat. Ill have to show some kind of dedication to show up for the working process to produce something and do allot of it to improve. And then maybe!
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