July 2025
June 2025
Real answers starting to show up from the universe concerning my First Love. I'm starting to get real conclusional answers from the universe. I'm getting answers that bring the base problem to an end; to an understanding to the final conclusion...
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THe universe has answered the Question; ("How do I move on from my First Love?") The answer is; A positive ending that only the universe can supply. Unbelievably the universe answers the question with a positive sweet answer... Unbelievable. Information from the Universe:
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Here is the simple answer from the universe;
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The girl I loved so much that I believed did not like me; did not want me; did not find me attractive; Said I meant nothing to her; had no interest in me and no respect for me. The Universe poses a question for me. Q; " Did she want to marry me?"
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And the answer is; YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Yes she did...
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Stunned with this question. Suddenly the universe flashes a pic of her in my mind the first few times I saw her... And I realized; she saw me as her husband the first time she saw me. She wanted me as her husband from the first time I saw her... She wanted me as her husband the whole time... I remember!
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Question from the universe; Q; "Why didnt you marry her?"
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And there it is; It is this question that held all the resentment and pain and anger and hostility; and this question posses correctly that this was my problem and mine alone. My first love waited for me to marry her but I chickened out and ran away... WHY?
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Question from the Universe; " Why did you run away?"
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And there is where the next level of work lies. Within that question is the main source of material Im looking for; it is the main source of answers Im looking to dig up. Answer this question and I may just be brought back up on my feet again to toyle in the present in new relationships...
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Im still not done with sore resentments and pain dealing with my First Love; but Ive got the end answer... THe problem was never my First Love regardless of who she was. I have proof. I am a witness; I remember; Just as the universe has brought the information to me; And the universe knows Im a witness to it; She waited for me! She waited for me to ask her to be my wife; It never happened; and horribly; I did this to myself..
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I am the answer I was looking for. I canabolized myself out of my own good. And thus; I built a bridgeless hole I could not get out of. And thus I died there.
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The work I have to do;
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I have to dig out all the information and inventory of my behaviors to find out why; when presented with the ability to marry this person; I did not; I ran away... Why am I running away from people I wanted to marry!
Already I can feel the answer; at least one answer; I liked the girl; but not the institution of control of marriage or the concept of Wife! Those concepts cause anger and fear; remembering the abuse and horrible neglect of my childhood...
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So; Ill work on my negative attitude about the idea of a Wife And marriage.. This will take work; i'm not used to asking these kinds of questions and Im not used to realizing I have any feelings one way or another for the idea of "Wife" or the idea of Marriage"; For; as a man; I don't think about stuff like this... I think about motors and video games and creating beats....
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However; I do have negative strange feelings about the word " Wife" and " marriage"; Ill start writing about those words. These words are loaded; they are fear-triggers and secondary-triggers of PTSD from the past... Anyway; Ill start writing about the word " Wife" and the word "marriage" and see what is unearthed.
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I also realize; I could not open up to this person about those concepts. So; Ill start writing about problems associated with opening up to someone about these subjects or specifically how I could not open up to her about them... Possibly I had such dread and negative emotions toward them I felt the whole of the subject useless and with no hope of success for my future. Anyway. I might explore some of this in this blog; but I dont think so... Ill go write for awhile on the subject first.
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Music;
Mission statement;
I think a new mission statement the universe has brought me is kind of like this;
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" Fellow Music and Art Star Citizens of the universe; It is my job and calling from the universe to keep the concept of music and Art alive within the culture I live in; to stand up and represent music and Art as a THING in the community of man kind; to be an ambassador of these forms of Art... To be an ambassador of Art..
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I will create Art work becoming a full Artist and take special interest in Art as an Artist. I will join clubs and memberships around Art.. And I will do the same around music composition; for these things are my callings from God.
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Something like that!
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What this means; Im dedicated to these 2 things; Music and Art creation; thats what I stand for; what I believe in; what I do! THese are my callings... I represent them to the world and keep them alive in the world...
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NOTE; Codependency as a dependent personality disorder... I must realize; Music and Art does not owe me anything. If I spend time doing these things and sacrificing for these things; its all good; its my choice. These things; these concepts will not bring me happiness or companion directly. THey are things where I express myself on canvases with art and music... Sometimes on electronic canvas.
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If I want more for myself in the world; Ill talk to God and created it separately.
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So; its about sacrifice involvement and standing for my involvement in Art and Music and a work ethic in creating Art and music and a dedication to these things.
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Something like that.....
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And that raps up this blog for now!
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