July 2025
June 2025
My Goals working with God; Music Art and maybe creative writing development.
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Getting over my First Love; Working with God; this means; An understanding of what really happened her; Then moving on.
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Girlfriends.... Wife... Best friend Wife..
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Money...
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Truck!
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So;
First Love;
New findings. I was more like a silent mouse in the corner quiet... thats all she ever really saw of me. I had big thoughts and they were deep; but she would never see them. I guess I liked her; Not sure why? Im not sure I would allow such things now.
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She thought she was better then me or superior... She decided she was of better stalk; Superior.
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What did she really see when I entered a room; nothing; not much. I kept all my depth to myself. In the end I fell in love with her; Why? Looking back; Maybe because I thought she was a nice girl when I first met her; something about her made her into the girl next door. In reality; she never saw me as the boy next door. I meant nothing to her because she did not have any character...
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I mean; she was looking at her own glory and her own level in life. She never saw me; never saw my worth or value; I meant nothing to her and after watching her for a bit; I kept to myself. I didnt realize something was wrong with this. At some point she laughed in my face with her parents doing the same thing as they made me out to be a little mouse. I thought; I dont really want anything to do with these losers.. I just want to go home. and I kind of left and slowly stopped going around... She did not care; she just wrote me off as a weakling and kept going.. I meant nothing to her! And looking back; thats all there was; nothing more...
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I have a kind of rule. Ill sit in the corner; and say nothing and let someone else decide what they see; if 90% of the people see no worth; then no worth it is; I wont help them change their minds... I will back up slowly and leave.
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I seem to be sad about all of this; really traumatized. I think I tried to make this girl into something real when actually I was just a silent mouse in the corner observing and being passed over or ignored as if I wasnt there or of any real significance or importance. And I stayed that way; and when I was judged that way; I finally quietly simply left; She and her family didnt care if they ever saw me again.
Ive mentioned before that it was like Jesus when he was in front of King Herod. In the movie; Herod tells Jesus to come forth into his chamber; the room is filled with others.. Jesus enters and is presented in front of Herod. Jesus says nothing; Herod has heard of Jesus and all the magic Jesus has done. Herod wants trix; so he tells Jesus to conjure some trix for him; Asks Jesus to complete miracles in front of him; Jesus stays silent. I think Herod asks him if he is the son of man and the king of the people; and Jesus tells him that it is so; and said no more; or says nothing at all; And Herod just looks at him because Jesus wont answer to him; he stays silent; finally Herod tells his armed men to take him away; saying this Jesus is just a harmless dreamer..
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Jesus was a quiet mouse in the corner; just like me; with big deep thoughts. Shallow popular people like Herod will never see the quality of someone like Jesus regardless... Jesus knew this so he stayed silent... Herod was evil and thus Jesus would not talk to him... Jesus was led away as a fool. And I tool was silent and thus treated like a fool. And I left as well.
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My problem was; I was in love with her... And Now I have to really examine how that happened because its not true. She did not have all that value I gave her... That's the weird part; Im not suggesting all people dont have massive value; just ask God; but this person did not have any real care to do what was right or think in those terms.. She had no depth of character; because I believe she didnt have to... To much money and rich options...
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My feelings for her went un noticed and thus; so did I. She never cared to find out anything about me... I mean; i could be replaced by a thousand guys... She saw nothing in me that was special so I stayed silent. And after being insulted by these people; I told myself I would never return around them; the problem was; I was already in love with her. I didnt know better; I thought she was a nice girl who lived up the street; It thought that the first few weeks. But suddenly things changed...
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So; I have to look at what made me fall for her when their was really nothing their to fall for. Thats the hardcore part of all this. Ill have to look at this; Im thinking I thought she was sent by God; thats most of it. But what I failed to understand; I had gone down the wrong road and ended up at the wrong house number on the opposite side of town from where God actually was sending me. And it was to late before I knew.. And thus I ended up with a monster around me and someone I needed to never see again and this; after I fell in love with her. Ill have to break this down and really look at the inner workings of why I fell in love with this person. In reality I dont think the traits I claim she had; I dont think she had them...
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Music; Starting to experiment; very interesting stuff; where could this go; it could go to spontaneously creating and writing it all out... and having fun with it and creating big compositions from it.
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Art work; would like it to head in the direction; same as music.
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MUSIC:
Im just fooling around mindlessly with my music software composition programs. I will continue to show up at its door and knock and open the door... and just mindlessly fool around with it... watching random compositions form from spontaneity. And learn to just keep this up; keep expressing myself.
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Art; Standing up for Art;' did I do this in the past; no! Now I am; its part of me; my calling and it requires I fight for it and be apart of it... and keep at it... work in it and for it... This means becoming an artist; thats what it means... and then doing something with the Art and becoming part of the art scene...
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Music is the same way; standing up for music and becoming part of the scene of music.. learning..
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Keep experimenting with music and working with it like working with digital art! Being the digital artist.
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