July 2025
June 2025
Im going deeper; it seems to happen once or twice a day.
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If this keeps up; Ill be starting Phase 3; because I might be out-growing Phase 2.
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Again; the universe continues to grow me... And up, n up, I go...!!!
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First; Most of my progress is about refinding a basic few principles outlining the main problems with my life.
1. I could not take action
2. I could not take any respond-ability or response-ability to the people and places and goals set before me. I was 100% Dissociated from reality....
My life was completely shut down and shut off... finally my physical life got shut down and agoraphobia set in... and clinical depression to the point; way over suicide... No one cared..! I did not receive help; I had no idea what to do or how to get help. Im not sure how I survived any that; or this.
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At this point with all of the work Ive done; Or has been done; that God has done; Im starting to move a bit beyond my limits.. Im remembering what it was like to live in a house when very young where it was not all survival mode... I remember having my own thoughts and my own dreams and my own secret freedom and my own private future... When I felt secretly safe in my life... Just for a little while; Thinking; if I just keep quiet; I can get older and escape all this; Ill make it out alive... I was not afraid of physical attack at the time or something; I had a father at home; at least at times; so he kept everything inline... My problem was; this feeling of; while they walk away from everything; the family the house the neighborhood and destroy everything; the unthinkable to do to a child; And thats exactly what they did; I had no idea what I was living with...
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ANd Im starting to get some of that self actualization coming back into my nervous system and soul.
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My soul is owned by me and God... So God is filling it back up again and allowing me to feel loved and safe again; just like I felt when I was a small boy. Im not suggesting that at times I was safe or even loved; but some how I allowed myself to believe it and I was very humble as a little boy; it did not take much to make me happy... everything made me happy... I had all my secret thoughts... If I had no parents; I still had the house I lived in and the neighborhood and maybe neighborhood friends; I could live off of that; or that could get me taken care of until I got older; Thats what I was banking on; It never happened; Until now! Im authentically going through it now; slowly coming back (within my mind); to my original neighborhood.
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Anyway; that boy in me is starting to come out again. That means he feels safe; He is safe because of God; He is safe because of practicing opening up in 12 step groups; Also; as Ive gotten better mentally ( feeling safer); Ive kept opening up around others and testing the waters. And with my success based thinking classes online and God creating a safer belief within myself for my soul to reside in; And the 12 step work to get rid of resentments; Part of me is starting to come forth... I am starting to feel something; something I havent remembered since childhood; something very good; that feeling of being part of a neighborhood; ITs all God. What I mean is; Im starting to remember my identity. Its attaching to me again.
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I never ever thought this would be possible; never in my whole life; Unless I was dead or back as a small kid again in a neighborhood and I lived in a house where I played in the backyard... Meaning; Id be in Heaven living out my dreams... I certainly would never happen again on earth.
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However, its like floating above the earth; its happening anyway. God is bringing me back; bringing my soul back for purpose... The key is to always stay with God...
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WOMEN;
I will say this; I did not respond... I did not work my way into a new way of thinking and a new way of living. Instead I pulled back and away because of trauma... What ever women I was near; I would pull away from them because they didnt understand. And I could not find any excuse for them not to be understanding toward what I had gone through; its like they had no depth; and I was getting so tired of this; I just seemed so evil and corrupt; it was like I was from another culture because I was a decent person; all the stuff I had to deal with... I did not relate to anyone my own age; actually I didnt relate to anyone period... It did not relate to general society anymore; It seemed like general society could kill the innocent and not blink an eye. Others saw how society treated itself and turned their eyes from it and went along with it; like nothing was wrong. I could not do this! When I met women from this specific spoiled part of society; I didnt work. I could not get into those people; I wanted nothing to do with those people. And more n more; its seemed like the majority of the people were THese people; these spoiled corrupt people... Pure evil! I was afraid I could not get away from them; where do I hide!
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I felt general society new right from wrong but didnt care. I Felt they were murder'rs and will to cover anything up and everything up. Later I realized; meaning several years after being in the recovery process; I was wrong.
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However; I realized an innocent part of society somewhere in the middle also existed; These people could not relate to my trauma. They were from the middle classes; I was from the trauma classes. They could not relate to me but it wasnt personal. They were innocent; they held no grudge against me...
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I did find that society held nice people. Ive met them. They are honestly just down to earth nice people; affectionate and open and nice... or just nice souls... I think more of these type of people are quiet and hiding; they are not running around the streets during the day time... I dont know! However, Ive met them; So the idea; ( There are no nice people on earth?) This is not true... Ive met them... God allowed me to see them. I allowed myself to want them; to want to be around them... Because I am one of them... And I want to hide just like they do; But I did find them; Like a secret society hiding with caves underground; only to come out at night or in disguise.
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First Goals working with God.
Let God bring some of these nice people around me. And I would like to find a girlfriend among these nice people...
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THe Snakes I associated with when young were snakes. They never claimed to be anything else dor cared to even question their behavior. It took awhile; but I started to wake up and see the truth about some of them. I was chasing people who were closer to the devil in nature then God. THese were not God seekers and they were not nice people... It took awhile before they woke up and realized I was a decent person; When they realized this; they wanted nothing to do with me; they wrote me off as a weaking; laughed in my face and never again took me seriously. I was not like them; I had a soul and I knew right from wrong. THey didnt care either way; They were murder'rs.
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NOTE: One of the most important issues; One of the big big problems of my naivety that got me into trouble the most; I wanted to save some of those evil people; I knew they just needed to be loved and if I saved them; this would give me great purpose doing Gods will and I would find real friends or a wife; Why would I think this? Because I felt they must be like me; ( THey were me!) THey were trapped decent nice people who had never been loved.
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I WAS WRONG! I did not find nice people trapped under evil. I found twisted murky monsters that loved evil; they were evil like their parents. I had made a mistake of identity; they were not broken people; they were twisted criminal like and.... ( pause); They were murder'rs. Give them anything of God value or human value and they will trample it under their feet turn and tear me into pieces; They did not have a human conscious... Destroying people meant nothing to them. THey were not broken they were evil.
The problem was; I didnt know the difference... I was just an innocent person looking for friends. I was in the wrong neighborhood or; in any neighborhood; all the houses can look the same but some are good and some are evil. And some neighborhoods; even tho the houses are much bigger in some parts of the neighborhood; the occupants are all evil from that section of the neighborhood.
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I had evil people in the house hold I lived in when young; but my father kept everyone inline. So; I went off by myself and lived my own life...
I didnt realize; some of the friends I was meeting when young; they were terrible people; they were no friends; they were jackals... later I will learn a big lesson; Its better to have less functioning friends but nice friends; less wealthy friends but decent friends. Its better to have simple basics in friendship if they are closer to God. I found as I moved up the ranks in societies financially cherished; the more evil they become; The more evil I found. And I wanted nothing to do with that!!!
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So; Back to he story;
Im going off to save one of these people who are closer to hell then heaven or are closer to being like the devil then God). ANd how will this work out for me? I will be conned into a whirlpool of death and then destroyed... I did learn my lesson; I was murdered; What a lesson! THese were sycophants. A breed of low life's...And they lived in nice houses and worked and had popularity and such; THey loved their lives just the way it is. Their goal in life was to find another sycophant and start a family. They didnt care what decent people thought; In fact; they were not in touch with anything decent nor were they interested in such things. Right and wrong were their enemies.
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What I failed to understand; I cannot be friends with everyone! I can only be friends with those who deem to show they are safe... Being around decent people for me is safe. However, for the sociopath or narcissist or general spoiled evil person; A decent person is the enemy. they destroy decent people; they certainly dont want to date them... Honesty has no place no part in an evil wicked persons life or their lies.
When they find out Im innocent; Im history.. Ill be destroyed and thrown out; eat'n alive. However, if they are a sociopath looking for A Simp( a naive guy who is awe struck by the idea of being with a women; weakling who doesn't ask questions to uncover who they are with; and is easily manipulated) She might go with it. She will have a flying monkey to maneuver.. And these are not the kinds of people I want to associate with; I dont need to and I dont have to...
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Honesty plays every part in my lies( Lies Im not aware of; In denial); and my life! I seek honesty because I want what honesty has to offer and I want relief... It is under God and I want to be Under God... I want Gods protection.
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Who am I ; Who is the real me. Im not you or you or you or you or you. In fact Im a specific kind of person. A musician. Rock drummer; creativest... I love composing music... I love Art; I love creating it. I absolutely love theater; altho Ive not been involved in much of it... Thanks to the sick family system that held me down and tried everything they could to get rid of me and destroy me... Anyway...
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Im an intellectual; but never discovered or developed. My schooling was completely destroyed when young; my ability to participate in school. I spend my life in a dissociated state..
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I just wanted a normal home with normal family members and safety and to do well in school and stability; it was all taken from me. It was; until I started working with God... And this came about in the 12 step groups. GOd will bring me to the right places to find him; to be under his umbrella.
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Today; its interesting; its different. Im in a position to work with God for all the ways of life that have been missing; because the inner me is coming back to that middle class frequency; However, Im not coming from any past people or family members who helped bring it back. I was destroyed in my past.
Its all coming from the recovery work and more; its coming straight from the Universe. Im under Gods care. ANd that care is starting to create a feeling of safety; Kind of; not yet; not completely; not yet; still have much to work through. I have past events and time periods to work through; so I know its the past and not the present. Im starting to show up...
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Im not so sure Im in 2 worlds anymore; split down the middle anymore. Anymore; the whole of me is starting to turn into that middle class kid again( Im changing from within). However, Im living like someone on a disability in housing and no car and little money. THis is not all that bad; its forced me to want; and thus I go to the recovery meetings and learn how to recover... Desperation leads me on.
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RESPONDING...
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So; I would like to have Happy Thoughts. However, I have to work my way into a new way of thinking; and that takes work. Its an inside job. So; on the inside of my head is my brain; and Im the one who is training it; training it with the help of outside sources and information and learning materials.. I have to; no one else is going to do it. I have a recovery place and GOd... and recovery people. Its Good; its not perfect because I and others in the 12 step groups are not perfect... Sometimes they go wacky! Many times Im on full wacked out alert myself... I go wacky!
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My mind has been gone and so its not been able to be present for anyone or for myself. When getting close to women. I pull back from them because they show me they dont understand and could care less; so I clam up and go away... I do not return to them Even if I see them again; its over; what ever it was..... I only want to be around decent people. This makes it hard because I cant get into a relationship with a women unless she is a decent person and they are way fare and in between in life... They are like one in 10000... I have met them as adults; but its a rare thing... However, when Im ready; Ill work with God on it; God can bring decent people to me or I find them... or am brought around them because they are under God...
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NOTE: Im not talking about Churchy people; I dont really know their thing; Im not going on way or the other on those people. Im just saying its not my bag; and I dont feel safe with those people. I would like to meet people that need God on a daily basis to survive; people that see God as oxygen... Something to breath in n out of all day long in order to survive out here in this giant fishbowl called society.
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God will bring me nice people when Im ready... because those are the only people I can relate with...
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NOTE: I may not be ready! It may take awhile...
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Ive found the world full of insensitive not very good people. And thus; these are the people Im suppose to stay away from. Im suppose to attract the nice people... because that is the only group of people I can safety get along with. Im a damaged corrupted perverted sycophant; so Im no different then anyone else. But Im not a perverted sycophant.. Ive just had to become defensive to survive and Ive end up on imbalanced scales. So I am; and Im not! Actually I identify with nice people because I am one of them.... Ive been many things.. Hopefully now its safe to be the real me again.
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Im not sure Im making my point about moving into the next Phase; Phase 3... However, I can tell; Phase 3 is upon me.
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If I keep processing information concerning the past Ill get better and I am getting better; its slow; but ill get their.
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( I MADE A MISTAKE); concerning the people of the past; I got involved with the wrong people.
Mistaken identity;
Either I thought someone liked me more then they did. Or I thought they liked me romantically when they did not... Or I thought I meant something to them because they were cordial and polite but I never meant anything to them; I innocently wasnt thinking and decided to feel something for them at my demise . Or; I invented or inventoried what I physically saw in them and assumed what I saw was correct ( they did like me and they needed me); when in reality; nothing of the sort existed. For example; because I asked to hang out with someone and they said yes! I told myself. " See! I told you I was right; THey do like me; everything is working up to plan"; I would say that to myself. I was mistaken. literally; they were just being polite and I took it and I went with it and made something out of it that wasnt there. I thought because they hung with me for a few hours; they must be looking for a long term friend like I was... I was wrong! They had no interest in me...
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NOTE: One of the biggest problems have been; They had no interest in me. They had no interest in me from the start... And they never will... I had fallen upon the wrong people... I was lost and found myself off my trail; my pathway. I had found myself in neighborhoods I did not understand. They dressed like me but they were not like me... they were evil... I did not understand what this will mean until its 2 late... I will get stabbed to death in many forms before it is all over. In the end; I will somehow find myself back in my neighborhood where I started in life; where I belong; under the umbrella of God.
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In reality; nothing was working up to any kind of plan. The person I wanted to hang out with just hung out because they weren't busy at that moment. I meant nothing to them. They did not have my best interests in mind for my life; God was not calling them to see me or meet me. Looking back at it; How or why would God call upon someone with no soul or values or ethics or right or wrong... God would not send me to my slaughter!
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One big point; I assumed others had my best interests in mind because I was going to have their best interests in mind. My experience with them was a step up for me; I real find a success; Im afraid they did not see it the other way around; they did not see me as a big interest at all. The problem was; They never claimed they wanted anything to do with me. I decided for them! I pushed my agenda on them only to be let down later when they stopped having any interest in me...
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My point is; I was mistaken. I have get to a point that I imagine I physically back up away from that person and just turn around and leave. And go home and pray and pray to God for whom I really suppose to meet. The people I want to meet also want to meet me and help me.
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When meeting people when young;
I made mistakes the first time. I didnt realize that. I thought the first time I met someone; they were the one; the right one for what ever! Wisdom as dictated that I was incorrect; I have to have a team of people on myside first... and then venture out and meet new people. I have no idea who that person is really... I dont know them; I could be completely wrong... in fact so far; Ive always been wrong; and I was completely wrong with those I would swear I was completely sure of. I would lay down 100000000 flap olas on it; Im right and Ill put my money on it; And of course I was completely wrong! I had no support to work with as I learned about how to interact with the outside world.
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I was so sure that girl needed me; needed my love; Only to find out she was never heartbroken. I was mistaken... and I was mistaken that she needed me or ever like me.
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NOTE: And her brother did not want or need anyone either; that was good. They were not looking for good... They were not interested. And I met other friends this way; only to find out they were murder's as well who didnt need to change... Right and Wrong meant nothing to them. How they looked to the world and personal worldly power is all that mattered to them.
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That guy that was going to be my friend and seemed like such a nice guy; nice person to have as a close friend. Little did I know; he wanted nothing to do with me.( He didnt want to be my friend; not even from the beginning) He wasnt such a nice guy and he never appreciated me at his house hanging around. I had no idea just how completely wrong I was; I am all the time about these kinds of people! . I was completely wrong; I mean completely.
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NOTE: Innocent people have a hard time out here...
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So; Ive got to work with God on this one; on who I attract or Im interested in. Ill get help first...
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Im slowly getting stronger on all this. Im learning to separate myself from those from the past that I had mistakenly thought God had brought me; I was completely wrong. They wernt from God; they were not the ones! I didn't even know what I was getting into...
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So; I have allot of correction to work on; hopefully the universe will help me... The universe will help me.
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The goal now is to get over the past... that means becoming corrected; full separation from those within my imagination that I feel wronged me but also the many I made a mistake thinking liked me or wanted to hang out with me. I thought others were nice people like me. This is the unfortunate innocent blindness of God people.
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Phase 3...... Not there yet!
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Ill try to stay on topic.
The first sign Im looking for is freedom from the past( God will make this happen as I do the work) Those that had a grip on my mind and nervous system from within me; they will be gone. Ill know when my work has paid off. Ill feel much freer inside in the present and Ill stop going to meetings for a while and have some down time and grow... Im getting closer; its hard. ( meetings can be open rough places at times with people I did not hand pic to associate with).
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Being triggered by feelings;
When I start feeling good about myself; those good feelings trigger memories. When I was younger I associated with bad people; although I didnt know they were bad or what that meant; I was damaged by them at some point and went home wounded. I dont want to remember them anymore; ( I am a decent person and proud of it!); I dont want memories of those sicko's anymore... They are pure evil...
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I want to work through the trauma associated with these bad people.
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When I feel good; Sometimes I get triggered;
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I felt pleasant; like; nothing was wrong yet. In the present; PTSD kicks in when ever I think of those evil people. Im trying to work through it and shake it off... It will be awhile but I am making progress and getting stronger; I just want to get strong enough on this issue that I dont have to go back to so many meetings...( I want to heal) Im waiting to get my independence back; Not need the meetings so much.
Memories;
I would truly like to separate from the people of the past; separate on all fronts; Stop thinking about them because they were never worth thinking about in the first place... Earn a new way to think... Earn my way into a new way of thinking; by working at it; creating new narratives about my life; write it out on paper! New alternative stories and alternative endings about my life.
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NOTE: I used to feel guilty for leaving the bad corrupt people behind; ITs like I escaped and found God again and left them behind. But God made it clear; under the nature of the monsters I was dealing with in the first place; I would have had no influence or power over them... And they didnt care if they ever saw me again.. They would be just fine. For; they never asked God to meet me in the first place. THey did not know God accept from a demonic stand point... THey were demons who God had authority over. They were under Satans care; not Gods... I thought; I would walk in and give them a choice; Either Satan or God; maybe they had never been exposed to God... In the end I realized; they knew more about God then I did... They knew directly how God controls the devil... For God was their enemy... And they killed their enemy...
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God has kind of made it clear; Those bad people were actors fooling me the whole time; However; they were playing a part in my finding God again; They were only decoys with electric shock machines... When I got to close to them they shocked me and told me to go away; go away and find God for God is calling you... In a sense; they were being used by God to send me back to God.
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NOTE: on a more serious level; It was the devil who shocked me... demons; and because i belonged to God and I was lost; they were commanded to let me go let me be; to repel me and send me back on my way. Let it be known just how close I came to being consumed by the devil... I was in his realm; It was a very dangerous place to be and I could have been completely consumed...I was injured wounded and destroyed; I was brought to my knees and lost my mind. However, because I was owned by God; GOd ordered the demons to dis-spell me and send me on my way... send me back the way I came because I belonged to Jesus of Nazareth ( The Son OF GOd)not to Satan....
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PHASE 3; What does it mean?
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First; Phase 3 is beyond phase 2; Thus; Phase 2 will be gone. Its interesting that I moved through phase 2 so fast.. That I got moved through phase 2 so fast.
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Phase 3 is a place closer to home; closer to the real original me. Deep down inside Im closer to being home; being myself. Or living with myself as my original self. I seem to have dropped into that now....
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Phase 3 means; Back in my neighborhood. Im back; or back home; Im materializing back in my neighborhood and once home; I dont have to leave... For it is my little area of the universe; and God will build it and continue to build it into something livable.
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