July 2025
June 2025
Now as I get better; I need and needed my father more then ever; So Ill work with the universe to make these changes and transform into the present so I can feel safe and loved in cozy surroundings where Im loved and safe... Created by my Father GOd; universe...
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My Father concerning after the parents divorce; I went to live with my father; not my mother. However, my father has already proven not to be who I thought he was; I can tell hes a monster with no concious; a sociopath; but I dont know what to call him or his condition yet; Im way to young to know what is really going on; I dont know accept hes one of those! Those people that are criminals that dont care bout life itself; no value for life or death; not safe for kids or anyone else; a complete fake who does not care about taking care of anyone... a liar; a pathological liar... or a pathetical life ( I know he his one of those). The disintegration begins at age 7 when he verbally suggests His wife and children can go straight to Hell. He says no one loves him. I thought; I loved my father more then life itself; I was his son; I was only 7 years old; I thought; THis is odd; a weird thing to say; It was a complete lie and off from human experience... It was deceptive. This was a liar trying to get out of something.. Later I would understand...
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So; Living with my father after the divorce...
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I had to move into a basic apartment with my father... I was in traumatic shock and no one cared; No one even bothered to ask me how I felt about anything; divorce; not having parents anymore; schooling; having to move; losing my house. the shock of it; all the changes. change of neighborhood... Nothing. No one asked a thing. How it would affect my schooling or my life. Nothing...
While living with my father; I was abruptly ignored. I found out bruntly I was not noticed or wanted or payed attention to; Nothing! Like I wasnt there and it didnt matter; schooling or anything else. Nothing; like someone else was taking care of me and I was this stranger boy sleeping on the couch.
But; that didnt stop my father from bringing in 18 year old young women and sleeping with them and doting over them and making out with them publicly where I could see it or watch... it was sickening; it let me now I was of no importance or having a mother and father were of no importance...
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My Art work and school work and anything I did; had no notice; nothing. it was like I was never born. And I had nowhere to go; I had no back or front yard; nothing. It was like my life was insignificant..
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And it got worse... and worse. As these people more more showed I was not wanted or it was like I was never born... its more then " they just forgot me"; I received nothing. Like I was nothing...
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Horrible levels of neglect and abandonment. I had something to eat... But supposedly that was hard for my father to come up with. But not hard for him to spend his time with his 18 year old girlfriend. He used to dress like he was a freshman in college when he was 50 years old; so he could fit in the college seen... I had to watch this predator... I was so deeply traumatized... and devastated more and more at severe levels...
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So; Finally I had a nervous breakdown and I had to move away; no one really cared about me or what happened to me... Nothing...
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So; that experience was horrible... extremely abusive... And at that early age; I had no father. All dreams gone.
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In the present;
And this experience is influencing the things I want to do with my life right now ( how I was treated by my father then). I have the need at the frequency Im at; I have a need to have a father and want a father so badly to take me through so many experiences at that age so I can grow and develop; ITs holding me back right now. So; Im asking God for that same thing now...
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So; Im asking God for the next step forward in this area for the equivalent of a father for this; something; so I can gain all the lost experience and development and safety and love I need to propel me into a state of maturity where I can express my real feelings and process those feelings successfully in my world now. That could mean creating Art and showing Art and Selling Art; The whole process of this type of interactions( being part of the community; alive active; doing something; creating something; purpose in life; expression); I have no base underneath the desires; no emotional psychological base; developmental base... I cant move.
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So; Ill be working on this horrible sick situation of memories and horror of being thrown away by these psychopaths.
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I dont have any beginning answers yet; Im just throwing it out on paper.
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As I do more work on self.
Im realizing I want the universe to speed up my recovery process of maturity. I want to move beyond where Im at.. Im stuck at several ages and levels. Some; for all my life. Things are starting to move a bit forward.
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My father is directly involved in my ability to create Art work.
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My Fist Love; I want so badly to move forward; more forward and work out the beginning of my involvement with her... I want those months figured out; Did she like me or hate me and was she just using me... I kind of know the answer but I must find out. I can let go when I know I truly meant nothing to her or nothing more then her playing me for momentary thrills then dumping me and I never to see her again.
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Its an area that is still sensitive and broken with frayed nerve endings; ists a section of memories of her getting up close with me. I know they are fake; I must sift through the truth concerning these memories; THe universe will help me... So; I can feel the pain and move on...
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I can feel something grand coming. I can feel my authentic high school years showing up again. But this time Im in my home town and I feel like Im much like I always wanted to be when I was that age. I get to be free and live those ages again; now at my advanced age; ITs actually a wonderful thing...
Not everyone gets so close to being free like this; free at any age...
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So; I just want to know what happened when I first met her...
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Anyway; This blog is about my father and the direct need for that time period and this time period in the present to have a substitute father concept show up and I receive all that I needed during those ages.
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I can almost see myself in my original house at those crucial ages where I would have been safe and taken care of and developed. Ill have to pray about that and create new stories for myself; first running this idea through the universe.
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