July 2025
June 2025
Im working with the universe to pre prepare for the beginning in the outside world. I have no idea how long that would take. Ive been damaged from trauma to the point of being homebound. The humiliations Ive experienced; I can almost not face the real world where I had no protection in the first place...
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The humiliation of being psychologically and emotionally led on and raped when I was younger by various forms; Murdered...
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Being destroyed by the first person I wanted a real romantic intimate friendship-relationship with; Being spiritually and emotionally destroyed and raped by that person and murdered by them; having others look at me with such loathing... Because of this humiliation; its hard to start over or get over this ever. Or go outside; just from the horrible way of being treated by the public... meaning anyone in society; society in general. Hated at this level in society! ITs to much!
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However, I want to go outside... I dont know how Im going to; I dont have the strength not to go out and damage or feel the fear of the outside world where I have no respect for it. And I can hardly function after being ripped to pieces by those who I friended when young; where I was obviously not accepted... Well ripped to pieces and turned on by the whole community.
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THe point is; Im getting close to taking some chances; if my personality can surface from the dissociative disorder...
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Im assuming it starts with Art work.
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Trying things in reality; This means Im somewhat ready as I am to attempt some things. I dont know what that means; it means I accept all the changes that have happened in this life and that the outside world has been completely rearranged next to what I remember. A totally different place.
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SO; its like; what are my goals. My goal is to actually do something ambitious in the outside world. Something small; but something; Like become an Artist... A real artist; interacting with others and dealing with the outside world. ANything in the outside world... very small A state of independence accepting reality as it is.
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Following through; Getting back into the outside world again; being alive in the outside world.
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I know many people cant do that if they come from the same background; Howver; Ive been involved in the recovery process for a long long time and this has kept me alive... and this gives me a great advantage at this point.
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Im getting that feeling of just being able to breath above water... just a little. Im still so damaged from being in the outside world and destroyed in it; and exposed to to many things.. To much damage.
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So; Non of this is easy... ITs humiliating...
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GOD;
I do have something developed many people dont; a working concept with the universe for day to day living and achieving and much more.
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Im not knew to the idea of how the God universe can help me to achieve anything I want... Ive been around long enough to use the universe system to get things; manifest things... To manifest a life...
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Its very hard; but I will be jumping lanes; Im going from lanes that spin down into nothing; living in the past of futility; Ill be jumping from those lanes into new lanes heading toward a life created by God and myself. Ill give it a try. THe idea is to end up with new subjects and ideas and goals; nothing like my past.
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I have to continue to work on my FIRst Love; maybe to the end of my life; to slowly sift through the information slowly lowering how that experience effected on me. Working with the universe; ITs slowly happening; slowly moving from that old lane to a getting the strength to jump to a new lane... In order for that to happen; I have to see the real truth of the motives of what was happening with that girl from the past; What were her real motives of interacting with me.. Whats the real truth involved with her... So far; it like like she was a spoiled upper middle class'r and I was simply played by her and dumped...
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Ill be working with the universe to start this new world experience... Ive been so traumatized; I dont know what will happen as new lanes are created to start a new life...
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Ill be working with meditation; and goals. Meditation is the fastest way to communicate with the universe and line up with my inner being and what my inner being wants for me...
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I would say; all of this; this whole concept of starting over; and all the work up to this point to make this change into starting again; All of this is in a sense " Jumping to a new Lane"; Thats what this has been all about... Im jumping right now! Im in mid air right now.
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When more lanes are created; I can practice jumping from one to the other and back. This includes a new way of thinking and new beliefs about everything and new ways to handle everything by way of feedback from others and the universe sending me new information. In addition; I have the recovery process with lots of meetings and lots of groups and lots of people.
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Im getting close to start in a new lane...
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What is it like going from one lane; stepping out of it; waiting; and then getting strong and stepping into a new lane.
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It reminds me of going to sleep in the summer one night in a deep deep basement and never coming out until winter; When stepping out into the winter; Its a whole different outside world.. and I decide Im strong enough to go outside...
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ITs being strong enough to go down a new lane... stepping into a new lane. And that is what Im doing or wanting to do.
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Im going from my mind and imagination into the outside world.
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IVe been able to go to 12 step groups and my public housing apartment and thats about all. I dont have a car...
The best changes Ive made; I have 2 hobbies; video games and plastic model kit building which I take basically seriously; Im well into both as life long hobbies. So; in those areas of hobbies; its sticking; its working; Ive been able to interact and stick with it and move forward.
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I would like to get strong enough to attempt something in the outside world as well; That is why I bring up Art and Music so much; the creation of it; its a natural to create and take out into the world.
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Ive been afraid of humiliation; that even if I do create something; its like; thats as far as Ive gotten in the real world and Im ashamed and embarrassed about it.
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The next level of reality would be a girlfriend. Thats a very hard deal tho considering what has happened to me in the past; I dont want to be destroyed by anyone anymore; Im sick of it! I can hardly function socially because of it...
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I can talk big; I can; talk about many things; but in reality; the outside world. I start with God and meditation and see where it starts leading me.
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IVe been disabled mentally for most of my life with lots of internal thoughts.
In the real world; nothing... Ands thats OK. Thats a Cadillac problem. Meaning; I wont die without them working out; I would just like them to work out.
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Id like to build a life in the outside world and see how well I do... it was all taken away from me at an early age.
The times I attempted out of desperation on my own to go out into the real world for help or love or friendship or anything; I was played and destroyed.
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I dont come from the middle class; I come from the trauma class... SO; I never fit in with those people; I was in a state of desperation; I ended up around spoiled people that once seeing I was desperate; they played me into the ground as if I was expendal throw away material.. They didnt have any problem never seeing me again so it didnt matter to them. I was fooled and used and led on and lied to before I knew what was happening. And then played and maneuvered and suddenly dumped.
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These people from these upper or solid middle class families are dangerous... they respect nothing; they have everything... they have no trauma to deal with; nothing; They are taken care of and are in safe places to live their lives; so they dont appreciate someone like me; they hate people like me and want to kill people like me. They think people like me are weaklings... When in reality; Im actually damaged and cant function....
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I learned along time ago; I cant be friends with any of them; they just use the advantage to set me up and destory me... economic cultural differences.
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I have a God to torn to and work with and that God universe puts new thoughts into my head of what used to baffle me...
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So; THings are possible.
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Ill have to pray for the safety areas to be part of in the outside world. Pray for the channels that are safe to walk down and experience life... I need those channels prepared first or to be prepared for them...
Ill pray about the right people and environments to be part of.
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Im going to practice with meditation first and see what shows up concerning the beginning processes of being in the outside world.
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