July 2025
June 2025
Phase 2 #3
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Phase 2 means; Im at the end of processing out the damage caused by the most important past relationships that crumbled causing mental break downs from the past… Ive finished working through the last major person…. And now I can focus on my present situation.
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NOTE: not all relationship issues or childhood issues or school issues work issues are done or fixed… However; enough of the major issues have been gone through that Im able to focus more on the present…
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The present situation is about working with the universe; God; on goals for my present and future. I worked with God universe on the past and have made it thus far to the present… a wondrous unbelievable.
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PHASE 2 #3
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While working on the past with God; God finally reset me back to the age of 14 at a specific innocent point of that age.. This is an age before I meet the girl up the street.
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What am I thinking…
Before the age of 14; Im thrown away; My house in my home town is sold out from underneath me; Thus I lose not only my friend base around my neighborhood but all the future dreams I would have had with them in school. I lose the school.. I lose any really close best friends. I lose the neighborhood. I lose all school events in the future and all future relational experiences that a boy would have with his mother and father; like a first car or a girlfriend…
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Im being dumped. This also means; no house anymore; that anchor of security for me. That also means; no more parents… I all ready see through them and I recognize what is going on; they are monsters.
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I switch into survival mode… PTSD will follow once my mother starts bringing unsafe strangers into the house when my father leaves; I do not have his protection anymore; he knows that; and is doing this on purpose..
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I will not be able to pull my parents in to help me develop; that is over with. I will never have any development from them.
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I waited and waited since 1rst grade for them to show up in my life to help me in school and at a personal level; to step in and be parents… to help me; I stayed dedicated with them waiting and waiting… And then they just left…
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AT AGE 14;
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So; at age 14; I have a horrible insecurity from being thrown away from my original home in the 5th grade; having then to move in with my father; he neglected me to the point of I having a nervous breakdown; I was not loved by him; that means he never loved me to start with. I then had to move back in with my mother; who was a sadistic psychopath that did not want me. She is the one who sold the house out from underneath me… I had to move with her to the coast to a sickening location where I was bullied in school. I did not function at all of course; no one cared; I had to leave the area because of this neglect into my Grandparents home.
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I had to go live with her parents; were it was more like I was captured or kidnapped and raped and sexual abuse and other things; horrible. Like being captive for several years; I was never the same after living there.. And then I had to get out of there. I was flunking out of school; no one cared; I could not function because of trauma… So; I went to live with my mother again in a city by the coast; she had a newer husband since my father left; this would be the second husband after that… It will all end in horror and neglect for me and will have to leave the area… No one wanted me…
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I moved in with them; I was 14 years old. I could not function in school because of trauma; no one cared.
I was in a state of survival mode. At some point; Ill be introduced to the girl up the street; and see her as the friend I always wanted that will help me develop. But this will never happen. Instead; I will be played and destroyed for she is another sociopath… and when I realize this; I will be completely gone mentally and devastated… I will become severely mentally ill; and Im already mentally ill at this time at 14.
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I am flunking out of school; had been for a long time from traumatic shock and bulling and having really no parents; nothing…
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I started using drugs at 12 years old. At my mothers parents house. I didn’t care.. I had nothing; everything was gone including my parents for good. I didn’t matter if I ever saw them again; they already abandon me and I had no place to live; I didn’t care who they were; they were strangers at this point.
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In the 9th grade and 10 grade especially; suddenly drugs will get much worse; I will get very quickly close to the level of a drug addict… and this will go on for awhile; But then through overdoses and bad trips; I will hurt my brain and start to slow way down to a crawl by the time Im in 11th 12 grade; in a few years; alcohol will take over. Ill have to move back to my home town in the 12 grade’; but nothing will be the same; Im severally bullied in school and Im already completely mentally ill and cannot function; I have to live with this sadistic family that I thought were my friends when young; they do not want me. They are being paid by my mother each mother so my mother does not have to look bad… I don’t have to move in with them… I can always go to my grandparents again; but thats where I went through such bad abuse… These people Im living with in the 12 grade don’t know this and are mentally unbelievable cruel. I will realize; they were never my friends growing up; they think they are better then me and that Im white filth less then a zoo animal; Im treated with contempt and ostracized like Im no good. Everywhere I go; people are trying to treat me like Im a loser or no good; everywhere; it seems everyone… its incredible. All of it! Horrible. Such losses…
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PHASE 2 #3
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The girl up the street that I wanted as my close friend; this will turn out to be a nightmare; Thus in the present lately while working on the past concerning her; God will uninstall her from my heart and memories and nervous system and soul. She was one of the major past relationships to process out.
I really liked her and felt safe with her and close to her at first; it was a big big mistake; I was being played. And before I could work through my feelings for her she was gone; I had been played and used and dumped. And so I was left with my intimate close feelings of her with nothing; and I was again alone… I was the saddest person in the world and devastated; I thought I had found a best friend; I found nothing but a sociopath and I was ripped to pieces; raped on the inside by this monster.
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So; With my work with God; In the present; God has re set the clock back to my original self at 14 years old; right before I meet this girl. I can see it in my mind and heart… Im back at 14 before anything happens… I had just arrived to the coast city where my mother has a house with her new husband; Im 14 years old.
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In the present I get the privilege of being at the Age of 14 spiritually; Now what do I do?
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NOTE: Being at that age is an advancement in my present situation; it means Ive made it all the way back to an innocent place or moment at 14 in my recovery work. This was an age of starting over and because Im reliving it; I can choose not to move in the directions I originally made after 14. I get to re write my script of what will happen after 14; me and God co creating a new life…
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So; at the real age of 14 Im insecure; I have no support or outside support emotionally or for my future. Nothing! Or for schooling; absolutely nothing.
I have no friends; Ive been moved again and again when younger; and now I live in this house with a new step father on the coast; no one wants me there. I don’t know that yet… I wondered why my mother abandoned me in the first place. I didn’t yet know enough; I did; but I didn’t.
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NOTE: No one moved me from house to house; I have to suggest or ask to be moved; no one wants me and no one cares whats happening to me at any house I live at or place; nothing. Im a complete throw away trying to figure out how to survive.
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So; right now as Im writing this; Im back at age 14 spiritually; and Im feeling everything I felt at 14; I have no house from my original childhood and Im feeling it. I don’t know what to do. I cant resolve anything or go for support anywhere because I have no house to go to; I don’t live in that neighborhood anymore…
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So; he idea of that girl up the street when I was 14; That wont work because I know better… So that is out. Meaning; Im kind of play acting right now as if Im back at that moment in time when I was actually 14; But I get to see the future… and I know how its going to turn out. So; right now; if I was back then at 14; what do I do.
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Im feeling the insecurity of that time period right now in the present.
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The first thing Im going to do is allot of prayer and meditation and get on my knees to God and go to a meeting for relief…
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This time at age 14; those feelings; Ill decide with God something different in a way to handle those feelings of being at that age.
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So; Im not sure Im making myself clear.
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Ive done resentment recovery work on my past. Ive worked through past situations; I justs finished processing out past relationships to find myself now in the present. In order for God to help me. God decided to allow me to go all the way back to age 14 emotionally spiritually; where I was at spiritually at age 14 to start over. Does that make sense? God is helping me recover my life; and has put me back to 14 years old because allot of damage will not have occurred yet at 14; meaning damage that will happen at age 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. 21, 22, 23 and so on.
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By God setting the clock back to age 14; I will be able to re think my future and go in a different direction or directions and working with God; thats exactly what Im going to do. Ive already worked through different scenarios concerning high school; in these new stories; an alternative choice to my life at that time; I end up in churches; I work with the adults at the church; they call the adults in charge at the school; I talk to the adult principles and teachers and counselors at the school; Im set up by them and with them to get a solid foundation of classes and help with those classes through the teachers that Im working with; thus I will finish high school with their help… and if bullied I can work with the adults in the school system.
I will also stop using drugs in these alternative stories of my time past 14 years old. So; turning to God at the age of 14; things would have been completely different and God Universe has opened alternatives instead of going up the street to that female sociopaths house… where I will be destroyed.
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IN THE PRESENT:
So; Here I am now… working a program. How do I proceed. God has brought me back to 14 years old within myself to a place of safety at that age And I get to start out at a spiritual age of 14 again right now; What do I do… what is the new story of my life right now; where am I suppose to go to have this new life; what will I be doing. Ill co create my life with God. New directions and new goals.
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NOTE: To be brought back right now to age 14 emotionally and spiritually is a miracle. It probably the best time period I have of the abuse years; God reset me at that age as a new place to start… back then in the past at 14 and spiritually right now in my life at an emotional 14…
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So right now this moment Ive cleared out a bunch of my past and I sit here at the age of 14 spiritually; kind of innocent and I get to choose a whole new story and rout for my life emotionally speaking.
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The problem I have is this; Im feeling the pain emotionally of a 14 year old; just as I did when I was 14 concerning the loss of my original childhood house. I cant get it back or the support around the neighborhood at that age… So; what do I do? That is what I will be asking God right now; how do I fix this in the present.
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I attend allot of recovery meetings but I don’t have significant relationships from those places… So Im all alone; now what…
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So; I have allot of work to do on my future; basically setting small goals with the universe in the present; getting aligned with the universe and getting directed by God and Universe…
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