July 2025
June 2025
Phase 2 #30 ; First Live; second/third/4th/5th official sense of closures
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1. First closure; She is fading…
2. We were from different backgrounds; we were opposite in any values; enemies.. she is a crook; criminal type sociopath…
3. A new scenario is appearing; Im going to agencies and getting help; long before I meet this girl… I simply do not need to ever meet her. This is truly a horrifying criminal and situation.. Dangerous; creep..
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4. Im becoming myself again in the present; Im getting myself Back. The center of me is being restored.
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First closure; as I wrote in the last blog; suddenly from the work the universe has given to me for the remedy of this situation; she is fading. She is separated from me. She is fading. Suddenly Im learning how to stand on my own to feet again. I own me not she owns me… She is going back to the grave yard of her time period. A ghost of the past returning to its ghost ship.
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Second closure; Sanity; reasonable understanding; Not possible a normal middle class girl could have any insight on understanding me and my problems at the time. We were from 2 different worlds; almost to the point; it was like we were from different cultures or different countries… Altho we were of the same age; her emotional age may have been normal age for a teenager; I was 80 years old; broken and destroyed by the time I was 16… It was if I was from a different country I was so different from these people; I have depth and horrible survival experience; that was my world… Im not from the middle class; I from the trauma class. Horrendous that I would ever even think of interacting with any of them… I needed agencies and help.
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Third closure; I needed psychiatric help; my journey would have taken me to agencies when in adolescence… never to a girls house that lived up the street? ; I mean; that is ludicrous. I can see myself never meeting that person in the first place ever.. why would I… or should I. I would have been at the local nut houses! Or 4th floor of the hospital… thats where I needed to be… but its more then this. From the beginning I needed outside help; state agencies… therapists… I needed professional help. I would never have ventured into the city this person lived; I would have been long gone before I ever met this person.
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4th level of closure;
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Im becoming myself again.
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5th level of closure
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Imagine Im with God in my room; This is long before I would have ever met anyone… I decide with Gods help and the universe directing me; Im in a kind of God sphere; a real one surrounding me; keeping me safe. I only venture to other God spheres; thats how I live my life; I go to no other places… I travel from one Gods sphere to another; from one to the other… and thats how I live my life; in safe spaces and who ever Im suppose to meet; I only meet them there in those spaces; no other places. Meaning; around the city; Ill work with God on this.
In this case; my whole life changes and I wont be meeting anyone unless they are at high level places and cultured hi level people; That means enriched good people… What ever that means to me and God; and I will be in God spheres and no other places. Hopefully not meeting anyone of a less nature…
In a sense; within this concept of God spheres; I never go below their worth or value… God is the center… and Im under that center; under Gods guidance.
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6th level of closure; restoration;
This means Im restored by Gods help; back to my life as if I had never experienced this. IT means I did experience it but have regained all things lost and am back on track with God heading down the right pathways… And that also is whats happening here but needs much much more work; One might say Im in Alpha stage… While other areas of closer are in beta stage… and still others might be getting close to a version 1.0 beginning….
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6.1 level of closure; I was looking for best friends; thats what started it; friends. The best friend I had as a child was no friend at all; turns out to think he and his family are superior to me… First Girl I loved; I was looking for a best friend; she and her family write me off as a weakling to make no mind to; they thought they were superior and she would look for a better opportunity of someone more admirable to be with; I mean; this is completely sickening. Im the best human being any of these people ever met. The problem is; they were never looking for good human beings; that was not their values… They had another set of values of a more sociopathic sinister level. And that is non of my business; meaning; I shouldn’t have been their; Im 2 nice a person to hang around that kind of scumbag….
So; what is happening here; Im in survival mode and on my own at the time and have no support. Im having to work with my young life and make my own adult decisions and Im not going to be able to because Im not an adult; Im just a child and later a young teenager.
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6.2; A refitting; working with God; What kind of people am I suppose to be around? I would say first; those with my values.. So; that would be nice down to earth regular people… To be best friends… I was way off when it came to making friends and relationships. Ill have to look at this… Im afraid I was looking for my mother and father within others or the sick abusers or sexual abusers that prioritized me. Ill have to pray about this one that I end up around the right kind of people.
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In many cases; many of these people seemed like nice people at first… these people who later thought they were superior. At least thats what I thought; good chance this was not true; that deep down in their nature; they were never friends of mine; they had always thought they were better.
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Either way; God is going to take me back into that neighborhood and restore things correctly and get me straitened out again. This problem did not occur with just a few people; their were several people I visited that later wanted nothing to do with me because I was white trash… In reality of course; Im not white trash and never have been; but this is a good example of the sinister nature of these type of people. The key is to let them go and wait upon God for the right kind of people.
I think the right kind of people were much like the people I originally picked out to be friends but from a different economic background; I guess more regular school level financially. The more rich kids were offended that I ever should up around them… They made it clear later that they were superior and I was not in their league; Its pure evil… I did not understand… I had no idea until way later… Because this was the main problem; they were sociopath or at least pathological. And I remember; they had these attitudes from their parents; from the beginning of their lives. I met some when I was 5 years old; and someone had filled their heads that they were superior… even then… They were making comments against me even at 5 years old; reporting that they were superior and I was inferior… I passed it off as insane talk… now I regret that I would have listened… I had no idea what I had gotten myself into….
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The second sense of closure is occurring concerning my First love. God continues to break this concept open clearing out the old information thus presenting me with newer forms of the truth concerning my past; A past I lived like a crutch for most of my life…
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I lost everything; thus I was always looking back at what happened and what I lost; the child in me broken and destroyed.. no hope and no more interest in life. Today; things are different.
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( I was broken hearted; now im traumatized by all of it; it feels more like I had been robbed by a criminal) ( thats because I was robbed by a criminal). And for some reason; Ive had a hard time with the fact I was robbed by a criminal.
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Today; I have the possibility of living a new life. However, My First Love must Go from my mind… Her memories must be turned to dust and said goodbye to… Her memories… and God is making that happen…
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Its hard to describe what this is like. Its like losing an Organ; some important part of self that was originally formed to help me stay alive. Now its consuming me into death and is no longer wanted or needed… And its actual presentable image is now being seen for what it is and was; and that is not a very good picture.
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In order to be a new me; The old has to give way into history and this happens when it is crowd’d out with the new…
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So; Im becoming new; However, those of the past wont be joining me… And this time I need support and to work with God… I can see it tho; the new me is actually the old innocent me starting where I left off before the nightmare world started… I can see it; but those of a latter period will not be joining me.
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Being reset; Getting another chance;
I wrote in a blog; numerous blogs back that God had set me back to 14 years old; I mean; like the first day of 14 years old… That means; before my first love showed up and before that city I was in where I would live with new people and new schools. I get to do this all over again; And Im slowly headed toward that experience… Its not easy erasing or leaving the past behind in some instances… but it is happening because it must. In my case; the Universe has ordered it. I am not to take past relationships of any kind with me… They must go…. Thus; any love interests from the past must be worked through and left….
( God owns me; not these other people. By giving myself away to them; they were thieves who saw and easy situation to trample me under their feet; turn and tear me into pieces… then run off…
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Unfortunately I had no real love interests.. I was faked out when young by someone… thats as close as Ive ever gotten…
God is reversing everything; I will be starting over before any love interests… And thus; I start again back at the beginning with God. This time I have to be in sharp alignment with God all the time...under Gods umbrella of power and care; God protecting me.
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I go from that force field of God; like being under an Indian teepee of protection. I go from one protected area; and thus to another God area. And thats how I live; I skip everything else. Im not sure yet what that looks like in the real world… I don’t know… Ill create something in my imagination.
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As for relationships; I don’t know. I must be with people that respect me… I cant be around anyone else; around those that don’t see me. And I must trust God that God will get me to the right people…
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So; Im in the second sense of closer concerning my First Love; It means Im starting to see the past situation differently more opening up to many possibilities of what happened… How it was all destroyed before it started. As I move forward and away from it; it starts to not matter what happened; Its important right now as I slowly dislodge myself from it.
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Some of the new thoughts.
1. She was young and taken care of. We were of 2 different cultures… in her culture she still got to be a kid; In mine; I was in survival mode; I need some one anyone to stay alive.. Looking back; here I was in the middle of horror and she was a normal young person at a house with plenty and plenty of money and a card decked in her favor. Why would I think someone like this would and I would be at the same wave link; impossible. It was like she was a little girl in development and I was an old man; even tho we were the same age..
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Its possible that I didn’t need to go up to some middle class family for help; What I needed and the only thing that could help me was institutions and agencies… Going to a middle class family for this kind of help is ridiculous. Its insane and beyond that; its a mistake… I needed processional help. Thats where I needed to be.
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I believe this girl may have been a normal girl for her age( meaning on contexts of population; without any comment about her actual personality type) emotionally speaking; certainly having her own problems and a regular dysfunctional family system; still have mother and father brother and such and had an exception of monitory good luck; Certainly no one that would be equipped to understand my plight or situation… And why would I ever think they would… Thats where the trouble is. Thats where I get hung up… Thats where Im blaming the other person; Why? Maybe Im blaming my mother through that person. Im projecting my mother onto that person or the other people that abused me; and Im suggesting this girl is suppose to take care of me because? Because Im a nice person… So; Im in some kind of fantasy bond like a little kid… And thats where the problem is. Dissocative disorder… ( This was a bad person; and so; nothing will ever happen here and what does happen here will be distorted and violating everytime; nothing good will or can ever happen here because this was not a good person or a nice person).
Technically a teenage girl; I was a teenage guy at the time; this person would not have the skills to deal with the horror I had been experiencing since young; Why I ended up at her house thinking this would be the answer I was looking for; the help; I do not know! ( I was desperate reaching out) What I needed was long term care and no one cared bout me. I needed a whole other life heading in an area of recovery… Something Im just now braking into…
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NOTE: Going up to someones middle class home expecting them to save me; is a little much! I mean! Ya know! The parents of one of those homes wouldnt have a clue possibly; How could their children my age. I mean; you would think I would or could give them a break; and with time maybe I will; and chalk the reality up to the fact that I needed psychiatric help; I was in real trouble and had no place to turn… I don’t remember asking anyone for help. I was not suppose to go to someones home; I was suppose to go to an agency and get help. Ill pray about this; and ask God how to change this narrative…
( Giving them a break? No! I Dont Think So; Criminals; Thats the problem here; and manipulates and deceivers and scumbags don’t get a break).
Ive said this before; impossible to be someone with real problems and associate with the middle classes or upper middle classes; they don’t need to know realty… they have cushion. They don’t have the depth or character that I was forced to develop to survive… Im not part of the middle class; Im from the trauma class…
How much of this is her fault( Non of it)( I wasnt suppose to be there). I came to her; she did not come to me… And that is where my higher power draws the line with me; God lets me know; she owes me nothing because I was never properly introduced…. I was never invited; I was never suppose to associate with her… In any other normal situation she would have never looked me over; she would have just left; she would have never stopped in my direction for any reason; and I need to know that. And their it is… So.. it was as if she and I were from 2 different countries… So I have to look at this and accept this.
I was not suppose to associate with her. If my higher power had been in charge or involved; I would never have been in that city….
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This time I will be working with God and have much support…
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However, at some point it wont matter… Ill work closely with God on all of this tho….
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God will help me…
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Ill stay with God this time. Its to dangerous not to….
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So; Im starting to see the big picture….
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I can see myself very young… adolescence; getting help from agencies and counselors and such… and psychologists and many different places for help; and I can see getting the care and help that I needed; the psychiatric help I needed; I see myself going to these agencies and getting help; that is the direction I would have gone… I would have bi passed everything else; never met anyone…
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As for my First Love? I would have never met her; I would have never even been in the same area or the same town… I would have never met her….. and thats the way it should have been. Gods direction would have led me away from there down a different path…
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Looking back; Im not sure what type of energy I was heading down; like a rail of energy; not sure and Im not sure why going in the direction toward some middle class peoples house would be something of worth or value to me; I wouldnt have known better at the time.
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What I needed I needed years before that… I needed psychiatric help and counselors at the school systems.
Its all becoming clear to me… the freedom of immediately getting help after being thrown away as a boy.
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As a boy;
Something else very disturbing; many times my mother and father would take me into their counseling sessions for divorce. I went into to represent my father… as a witness… looking back on it; my father had therapists; he had to see them; to work through marriage counseling I think; he was looking to justify his behavior. But not once did he ever think of getting his own children counseling from being around him and his wife at the time. Its truly evil… pure evil. Its really evil.
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So; back to my True Love; Or what ever that was; Now the goal is to see the open energy line from my heart or my soul; leading up to something and suddenly Im at her house. So! It was misguided energy; this energy was suppose to go to psychologists office; but no one was around to set me up with one or to admit I had any problems.. They didn’t care… the people I was living with… They made sure I didn’t see a psychiatrist or get any help… They are rotting in hell now; so I don’t really care. The energy was miss guided somehow or I was just neglected and underage… not being taken care of or looked out for in any fashion. Nothing! Dumped; but still needing a place to live…
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But I do care; Because as more evidence flies in Im seeing a much bigger picture of the way things really were.
And within this picture; Ending up going to this girls house seems so odd to me; out of sorts or backwards or maybe pure evil… something sprang up… an energy of evil… something bizarre… That house was evil. My energy was not evil but it was curious and being pulled. I don’t know…
But more n more; the question was; I didn’t have the ability to just leave; I didn’t know I was being suckered in or groomed in by experts… I was being groomed in my players and I got played; easily… I was manipulated; I didn’t even know what was going on…
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Im now at a third level of closure with this girl… Its all getting the rug pulled out from underneath it…
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Next morning when I get up;
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4th level of closure has begun
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Im now moving on to music; The dysfunction dealing with music creation.
Our partner
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