July 2025
June 2025
So; it begins…
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Ive just recently made it through the beginning processes of the closure of some of the personalities of my past; personalities that held much importance and power within my life; almost God like status. Now I regret that I gave myself way in this nature; especially to the criminal in human people posing as human beings. I was suckered completely. I guess it happens… I was easily manipulated; I was completely clueless to the nature of evil that was surrounding me. I gave the other person the positive opportunity that they were a nice person and a decent one; What a mistake that was….
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This was a predator and criminal based person and populous.
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I had no idea I was so co-dependently trauma bonded to them; I would like to learn how to stand on my own 2 feet without this person anymore. Let them die away and I never remember them… My God take over my life. Amen.
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I guess I had to learn how to be passive or I would not be taken care of…
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Im now dealing with a dysfunction of co dependency and trauma bonding from several people from my past.
I realized tonight; Im free. I don’t answer to anyone… don’t have to… its very strange. I spent my whole life people pleasing and being co dependent so I wouldn't lose relationship; In the end; I never had the relationships I thought I had in the first place; it was a rude awakening to find out I meant nothing to a whole lot of people. And that I was being abused by them… an I wasnt wanted by them in the first place; they had wished I had never met them or ever shown up to their door steps…
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I gave allot of those people power over me and credit… and love. It was all a mistake; they were evil…
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Im learning to let them all go in a real world way; where I practice being myself again outside. Ive not had that kind of confidence for most of my life. I got my confidence and love from others or feeling like I was accepted by others; but they never accepted me; they tried to destroy me. I meant nothing to them accept as someone to walk over or run over and take advantage of; spit on and walk away from and dump for ever…
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So; For me to finally learn with Gods help to get out from under their influence is a marvelous thing. But I am scared to death Ill just go out and repeat this again and again. But I don’t think so…
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Im actually in the rehab process for my troubles. So; I think I will slowly slowly get better and learn to be independent out in life. I really think it can happen if I practice it; Ill pray about all of it.
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NEEDING SOMEONE TO HELP ME FUNCTION
So; Ive been so co dependent and trauma bonded; I needed to be with someone else in order to function because I could not function on my own; its as if I was brainwashed that I could not function and had to have the other person( wrong people; not the right people). This goes back to my childhood; being broken in childhood… The idea was; if I didn’t allow others to trauma bond me I would have been given away… and for a child; that is death…. In the end Ill be given away anyway…
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I learned that I had to have these other people in my life or Id die or could not function on my own. Im now questioning this. My work with God is opening up my abilities to question and try knew things on my own… Ive never been like this before; this far… not since childhood.
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THE BIGGER PLAN;
Ive been working with God on my future plans. My interest is in Activities and relationships. However, God told me. I must make it through; break through; work through one more past personality that had destroyed me. And it looks like Im doing just that; of course with Gods help. The more I bow down to God; the more God takes me seriously and the Universe and God help me… They continue to open me up and the universe to me on a daily basis.
I cannot have new relationships until I finish with some old ones and move on; God is showing how to do that.. and its working.. I don’t know how long it will take but its working… and Im getting better…
Non of this is easy…
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I have to see myself walking independently with out some of these bad evil not nice people from the past..
NOTE: In a way; those were weak regular middle class people.. when they think they have a scape goat or victim; they will destroy them; they seem to think they have right.
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I have to keep working with God on this independence… Maybe write some stories of what Im looking to do or create….
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FIRST LOVE;
The problem is; She was a pathological liar like her father. Im afraid she was a carbon copy of her father; unfortunately; I found their was nothing I could do about this her condition accept go away and never return…
One main important aspects of a pathological liar; They are deceptive about everything from the very beginning. One might have to check the name they gave make sure its real and not fabricated. No way to know if the person is from the residence they claim or the background they claim.
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In my case; dealing with my first love; The deception comes in when in relationships. She had no interest in me. But she will deceive that she does; and deceive fully… She will deceive everything; and I mean everything. She has no conscious; basically a sociopath. So; right from the start; that original smile from her is fake; everything is fake. And thus; at the heart of it all is deception and a pathological liar.
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I have to work with God getting to a point of accepting this and looking at it and investigating it and willing to accept what I find; that I was not just dealing with someone who didn’t wont me or like me; I was dealing with a criminal minded sociopath that wanted to do me harm simply for the thrill of it… That is a very humiliating acceptance…
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I was totally fooled; I thought I had a best friend soulmate; certainly someone I could trust and eventually marry. Instead; I was dealing with the worst possible scenario… I was simply being played and deceived by a sociopath pathological liar…
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Its my job to root out the deep deception of all of this through investigating of information I can gather from my past; proving this was no more then a sycophant looking for victims and I happened to walk by…
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So; Ive got problems; especially letting go of the past.
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I have problems because I was not enough; I talk about my First Love; I Was not enough.. and I hurt over it… and I have to work with a higher power to get over it; and talk and tell others and grieve and my pain; its hurts; It really hurts; It really does. The more I work with a higher power on it daily; the more Im on my knees about it and writing about it; and keep the pressure up to my higher power for help; daily things change. And they are; and it hurts. At some point I have to move on; and that is uncomfortable and it hurts.
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Im starting to see connectives and new possibilities showing up in my imagination from my higher power.
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I was not who I thought I was; I thought I was Hercules; I ended up not matching up to Hercules little sister or his mother or his brother; not even his Dog… I ended up not even being capable of crossing the street on a green light by my own…
( I need help)!
Its as if I was not good enough being myself… I have to wrestle with God on this… And others got into my personal life and space to put me down when I could not defend myself; so they could boast themselves up. I was used and couldn’t fight back; I would have lost the little I had been given… So; Ive been used by many and torn apart.
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Im starting to see a step father or what ever he was controlling me like I was a fool; being demoralized by this person and could not fight back over n over n over… did not know what to do…. Or where to go… Seems; thats all it was.. I wasnt wanted no matter where I went; I allowed others to walk over me in order to stay in their homes… and I was the worse for it. I don’t know what other answers there are; ill have to talk to God about this over n over n over…
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The first girl I loved started doing the same thing to me. I watched in disbelief and then when I was laughed at by her and her parents; that was it; I was done… they were just bullies; scumbags… I just kind of walk away… I never returned…
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I walked and walked and walked. I did not know where to go or what to do; no one was on my side; I was all alone completely…
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I can see where trying to create music or art in these repressive bulling environments was out.
One answer is to come clean about the abuse nature of where I was living and how others were abusing me and putting me down all the time; bulling me… and I could not fight back; I took it until I got mentally ill and sick. No one cared; I meant nothing to anyone.
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The girl up the street started doing it as well; she was just as much a worthless creep as the rest…
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So; bringing up the step father is a good thing; now where getting somewhere; but the pain is over whelming… However; now the story is starting to back track into the step father and the fake best friend and his family when Im young… and so Ill be dealing with all of this so I can become free.
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