July 2025
June 2025
Things are certainly changing.
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First; Concerning my First Love; Well; Its seems because of the severity and nature of the mental illness do to trauma; my mind was unable to process anything from inside or outside of itself during the time I know her until now. This means; any events that occurred with this girl when I was a teenager were hidden purposely through amnesia and other means by God and my defensive internal structure. I could not access anything concerning her. I could feel the horrible pain but could not break through any defenses holding the information of that time period. It will take half my life in the recovery world; Assuming I could recover enough from the mental conditions to access any information; the source of it within my mind… concerning many different subjects and concerning her.
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With the help of success based thinking concepts and the universe and all the support created through years of 12 step work and recovery groups… I was able at some point to trust the process; start accessing the actual authentic information of her where it had been left when I was a teenager.
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With Gods help; in the middle of the summer 2022; I began new techniques to uncover the feelings and information and the story or narratives of exactly what happened to me so long ago with her.
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THE BEGINNING OF THE END!
At this point; After much hardcore detective work on my past and grieving; its seems shes beginning to resemble a funeral… it is getting very close..( she is leaving).
Im in my housing unit and snow is befalling the ground; So its cold out and I havent left my place…its cozy and safe from the outside world. Its 2 different worlds for me; inside my living unit and dealing with the outside world where Im more physically active. Outside I loose allot of personal power and safety and I get triggered simply through physical movement… I needed her memories for my identity much more in the costic outside world then I do in my living unit. I feel lost in the outside world and she was a crutch for my identity…
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So; from the perspective of being in my housing; It appears; because of the work Ive been doing and working closely with God Universe and watching everyday; the changes and the poison and pain and sorrow and madness spill out from my nervous system; Slowly I can feel my nervous system draining of her memory… and its leaking out from my nervous system; the pressure. My nervous system is starting to become free and Im starting to own it again; her influence over me is evaporating slowly; I can very easily feel it in my nervous system in my arms an body… the pressure is leaving.
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DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER WOULD NOT LET IT OUT
And all of this is an example of the complexity of dissociative disorder… Its like living in a pain amplifier… The stories and PTSD are trapped where I cant get at them yet they radiate within; what feels and visualizes like a glass cauldron that egos and the pain and memories and sadness reverberate creating a pain threshold 6 times its normal configuration; Its amplified; much like the sound of ones voice being yelled over a giant canyon; ones voice egos and egos and can be heard for what appears; miles and miles and miles…. It amplifies; the pain of the past.. IT amplifies through my body.
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Anyway; back to the story;
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Im visualizing myself standing beyond this persons memory and walking away; or walking out of this field of the past… I can see my feet slowly lifting onto the next steps forward onto dry concrete sidewalk; out of this every weakening force field.. And in this new clear place; on this side walk; I don’t take her with me; her influence stops at the edge. . Ive been able to walk through into my own life again standing on my own feet. Owning myself; liking myself and regaining what is mine; I regain myself again.
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With enough work on this subject; Her power within me has dwindled as month after month of work uncovered she being a less then gleaming example of humanity. And slowly uncovered and understood; I grieved those small moments of uncovered sorrow. However, with enough exposure; soon I became stronger and more present. And my opinion of her loss being of less and less importance; because she is becoming less and less of importance…
Not only have I worked with the universe on this; I take this to every meeting and talk about it. Thats several meetings a day; Ive been doing this for a very long time; But more specifically for the last 6 months; because the real deeper more extended work started 6 months ago. This last 6 months have been the real answer to becoming free of her; mainly because I bowed down to God for help so much; that God finally listened and sent the spirit needed to move me forward and to gather new insights I never thought of or knew about; only the universe would know…
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THE FUNERAL HAS BEGAN>..
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If feels like she has died and simply is no more and Im kind of left with this memory of someone; like a picture of them and that is all; their importance actually never died long ago when I was a teenager; I was never able to process it; Its been kept alive at full. However, I was never able to process anything regardless; the mental illness had to much grip around my soul….
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So; as of late, everyday I learn more and my nervous system continues to return to me as she leaves; her essence leaves… her control… Its like its drained from my nervous system and now my nervous system is coming back inline at a normal rate and level… and it belongs to me… Im becoming that sensitive feeling guy again… And this will continue as long as I continue the work; and I will continue the work at it.
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ITS LIKE A FUNERAL……
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After much work; suddenly a month ago I could feel the separation; I could remember why I separated from her and I realized just how dangerous this person and her family were…
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After much work in the present; her presence within me and the co dependent need for that presence started dying away.
NOTE: because of recovery work and the advancement within it; I simply don’t need her anymore… I think I needed her for life support; I don’t need her for anything anymore.. Im doing just fine with my relationship with God, recovery man/women, my dreams and support system God has created for me; if I wanted to find it and participate in it. Your will God; not mine! Amen.
It was today I realized I don’t need her anymore. Im kind of excited to stand on my own 2 feet… and take a few steps with out her….
And I did a few times and I stretched my inner perspective of shape and personal space and I began to move forward… By doing so; I realized; she was no more. Most of her has turned into past tense. She is gone… what a creepy feeling!
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AND IT FEELS LIKE A FUNERAL>…….
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I feels like I just lost someone a few weeks ago; grieved it; getting ready for the actual funeral or the funeral came and its been a few days with the realization; Shes Gone; It very much if not identical to someone dying… the loss. Thats what it feels like… It feels like Im grieving someone dying..( and they died) or who had died and I remember them; but they are no more and no more a part of my time; they are of that time; they are no longer a part of my present life. ( And all of this work was done under God; taken to God and under Gods direction and time periods; I simply reached out to the universe and have been doing what its been telling me). All that is left is a picture from the first quarter of my life… And suddenly all of her memories and my thoughts on her and all of the detailed facts seem to swoop up suddenly and are sucked through a worm hole vortex back into time into its proper destination and time year; into a grave yard with her memories; It feels like it all flew back to its origins and is buried with her back in time; a place I cannot follow or see anymore nor would I have any interest to do so… Im not interested; its not attached to me anymore.
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IT FEELS LIKE A FUNERAL.
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What will it feel like when Im out in the real world; suddenly; will I need her memories so I can cope with the day; For she was my coping fix; my place to escape and my fall girl. She was created in my imagination as another personality… Will I need that personality when things get shaking bad outside; will I turn to that fantasy person in my head with her name on it for stability. Ive used her as a crutch for years; mainly because she was never really with me.
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I began to realize how much I depended on the real girl when young as a family and stability… I had put all my support and a hopeful relationship into one person; and that will cause suicide…
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Im realizing now; I need at least 100 people on my side; a whole line army of them just to branch out for a deeper relationship with one person…
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I gambled on this girl when I was young; I lost. I made plans; suddenly weeds sprang up in the pretty wheat fields… I realized they came from the root of the ground; the soil was bad. No way to grow anything good; nothing I could do about it. Once realizing this; all I could do in frustration was leave. I thought I had found my future and my wife. I was more then devastated.
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IN THE BEGINNING;
Soon this person would act out what I had feared. She became the person I dreaded she might be… In reality; I had been set up from the beginning as joke… She felt nothing for me. I was being set up… it was a fraud; the whole relationship hopeful situation. Thats all it was… Some stuck up teenage sociopath mean girl; playing pranks on people and then suddenly walking off as if nothing ever happened; and then claiming she never met me nor liked me nor ever felt anything for me… I wish the cause had been something more serious then this; but It was sinister and I was destroyed… But what can one expect from a sociopath; nothing; they have no conscious… no remorse… no social human responsibility or respond ability. They are murder’rs at heart… They don’t care and they don’t feel anything. They treat the human race at a very poor level… They don’t think much of them; and they think they are superior… ( We have the law to take care of offenders like this; but it was to late and I was to young)…
After realizing all 0f this; I walked off broken heart’d; never to want to date anyone ever again or have relationships with anyone ever again. And I never did; nor did I care ever again about anything; This person was not the first… but she would be the last… I was done with the human race.
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WAS SHE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME. NO!
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Ive since found out many things. First; their were plenty of other women to have relationships with at that time; millions of them; trillions of them.
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ARE THEIR ANY NICE WOMEN IN THE WORLD? YES
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Ive met them; So; the idea of; are they any nice women left in the world? Yes; Ive met more then one. So; that concept is a myth. Ive found plenty of authentic nice people and nice women to date; the problem was; I was never focusing on them…
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ARE THEIR ANY NICE WOMEN LEFT IN THE WORLD… ANYONE I CAN CONNECT WITH!
What about now; Millions of them; trillions of them.
The problem was a kind of trauma bond with this person; I was broken down and only thought of her. Well; thats because she had faked this friendship and this soulmate nonsense; she played the part like a prize winning actress at her home when I was visiting and in school… It was a noteworthy performance… I had no reason to not believe it… And she carried on and on and on! She had no conscious about it. But then; it wasnt personal; she had no conscious… She was a sociopath.
I thought of her as the perfect unison soulmate best friend. Well! Of course I did; she created the perfect false lie impression of a perfect soulmate best friend all guys want; and she groomed and easily deceived me into believing it.
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NOTE( Its easy to take advantage of the average citizen that is innocent and has no idea what is going on); This is why we have the FBI and the local police department… People are very easily conned by predators and criminals… Many times we don’t even know its happening when its happening.
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IN THE PRESENT WITH MY PRESENT LIFE>>.
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Ive successfully tak’n my first steps back on planet earth without her; its been after the funeral of my memories; one might say and Ive taken some successful steps back into my life… A few authentic steps; more importantly is what is happening my imagination; my imagination is starting to believe in me and trust me again more then her and others where I was manipulated and trauma bonded; and they did a horrific terrific job on me. Im sure they were on the cover of Criminal Today magazine for doing just a great job on me and that went so easy for them to manipulate someone who was sincere and had no idea what was going on.
NOTE: For a while I felt raped inside; violated from all of this; from what people like this have done to me; its not a game; its a serious act of a criminal against a citizen of their own country; thats what this is; its not a game to feel all of my insides torn to pieces and violated without my permission. In all seriousness; who wants to violate the insides of a person; A rapist; Murder; torturer; And their ya go! I cant even begin to imagine anyone else who would sit around and try to figure out a way of destroying some ones innocent life… The whole thing makes me so sick to my stomach…
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RECOVERY FROM THIS:
Its just a start and its only in my dwelling; However, Ill keep working on this until I am not bothered by it anymore; or affected by it inside or outside my housing unit; I will no longer use her as a co dependent victim crutch; Ill stand on my own 2 feet as best PTSD hazing will allow me; and for the first time feel what life feels like when my nervous system belongs to me again. Im still groggy and dismantled from all this and weak and imbalanced. But its a start…
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I still have a long way to go. However, Im very close to putting first layer of closure on this person and this situation; but not yet..! And much more I could report on this story; but those hundreds of articles of information would take hours to describe and Ive done enough of that over the years of reporting on her in m blogs…
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