July 2025
June 2025
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My First Love; This technique will be used with the memories of her. I will examine or inspect closely and thoroughly the memories of her while associating with her...
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Why is this important. Im going to jump back when a memory springs up of her. Memories spring up of her when I want to be loved or Im lonely and wanting... Its as if Im living off the memories... or Im co dependent on them. And I have memories that counter and answer memories that are presented of her. It means I have layers of memories working together to keep alive; as if they are all working together to be alive... The whole of this thing is alive.. and its my job that when a memory shows up in front of me; I respond differently then I actually responded when this memory was created. Im disorienting the memories.
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Here is the idea. When I was around her; I assumed I was around a decent normal nice girl. I let my feelings out as an innocent person that appeared to have the beginning of a girlfriend. In reality; this person was faking me out the whole time... I mean every second; All behavior on her part was an act; a show...
This is the behavior of a spoiled sociopath sadistic monster; a rapist type person... or personality.
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Its my job to dissociate the memories that of her that emotionally connected with me. And I do this by physically jumping away from her when I see her in my memories. In a sense; Im jumping away from her and pointing at her as if to show the world Im dealing with a criminal who is trying to take advantage of me.
In a sense; this was a complete bully. Who thought they could get away with this. And that is what criminals do; THey will attempt something if they think they can get away with it and then bury all of it so the other person is totally broken... That is the goal. In this case; this person wanted to rape someone; in anyway they could; in this case; they would get off on destroying my innocence or getting inside of me somehow and ripping everything apart.. Its a power thrill for a rapist; in this case its coul psychological emotional... Relational; because thats what they have to start with. However, at some point they will escalate this if they think they can get away with it... They would take this to violence; they would have others physically began to harass someone; they no different then any other murder'r or rapist; thats what they are...
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In fact; to my shock; thats exactly what happened; they escalated this into hiring other to cause violence against me. And so it goes; they are a predator stalker.
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GOAL;
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The deeper part of my brain is owned by this as if I answer to this... This sphere of insanity. Im so co dependent I literally think I will die without. Without the whole codependent system created in my brain concerning this person.
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The goal is to render each memory associated with this individual; render them powerless; having all power sucked out of them; stripped of there power over me. That can happen when I turn on each memory; I jump back and move backward in caution. THis will be recorded by my mind trying to fight against this memory; trying to stand up for myself in the face of this memory. ITs one memory at a time.
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The goal her is to do this work and work my way into a new way of thinking. Im trying to face; with Gods help; this giant monster of a sphere of evil that has taken over my mind; its like a million cobwebs or malfunctioning sinapses... all working together to take over part of my brain. I want my brain back please; it belongs to me...
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Lots of brain defenses pop up to dissociate me when attempting to fight against this stuff... It doesn't matter; working with God; its one memory at a time; to slowly expose that person for what they were; and then feeling it. Stopping and accepting the memory to have been an inaccuracy of realty; meaning; I was being lied to and or duped and fooled... conned!
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So; The problem is; Ive been living off this sphere; its been something the child in me has been turning to as if like a parent that loves him. So its very hard to break through because; do I have something to take the place of this sphere when these memories start to break down after awhile and I have no more codependency limerence.
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WHATS BEHIND THE CURTAIN>
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THe other problem is; all of this information; This sphere is hiding a much deeper troubled set of memories; its almost anesthetizing them; Its like the sphere manipulates me; and thus creates a drops of pure numbing potions that land on the other terrible troubled broken damaged wounded areas of my psyche. If I move this sphere out of the way I must have something of importance to take its place; I must... I dont know that I can live with out it... I need some place to hide or something to believe in...
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Ill talk to God about all of this; so I can get these addicted concepts out of my head... OR this addiction out of my head... So I can start dealing with whats underneath.
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the biggest problem is; putting a focus on this sphere is taking away my ability to be present and thus; cant get into new relationships and learn to move on.
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LEARNING TO MOVE ON;
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I have to learn how to move on; one small step at a time from all of this... and its work out in front of me; learning to go back out into the real world and have something real. That will take work and must be present... I need my brain back... Right now its owned by someone else.
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So; Ill be praying to God about all of this and how to proceed. I want to proceed into a new life. Ill need Gods help with this... So I can take my brain back and be present and be me again and own my own nervous system again.
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NOTE: THe other problem is; I needed to get a life. Its as if; If I had dealt with this problem with this person when it occurred; Id still be a bum. I would still not have a life. I was so trapped and it looked like a mountain for me to climb to deal with getting any kind of life; it was way over my head. I had nothing if I got rid of this limerence. And if I imagined Im back there at that time period; Im stuck with the same set of problems; I have to sit with the pain afterword and let myself feel it in all its insecurities at that time and work with God.
I can feel the sadness because I thought this person was on my side and was the last hope I had of someone being sincerely interested in my life. THey turned out not to be and I could not handle that; it was over my head. So; Im suggesting I go back to that time period and sit with it and feel what it feels like not to have that person in my life and thus reach out to God and have God come up with solutions for me at that moment.. So I have something to grab on to.. Because the horror is; there was nothing else to grab onto; I was completely alone... and that was 2 horrible... In this paragraph; I said something very important; So; here is the sentence; part of the sentence I wrote; "I CAN FEEL THE SADNESS BECAUSE OF WHAT I THOUGHT"; This is the first beginning phrases of this paragraph. And its what Ive been saying all along; My thoughts are owning me and thinking me; Im not thinking them; They own and have control of this brain; Not me; and I do not want to turn to there thoughts about how I feel. I want to create my own new reality and thoughts and turn to my own co created thoughts; thoughts created with me and the universe. I want the universe to own my brain; not slayers or jackals or rapists or murderers from my past. I seem to be addicted to them; turning to them for help and guidance within my brain. Its as if Im a slave to my brain... I have to believe a new set of thought that will make me transparent to the alignment with the outside world; I have to believe this is possible to live confidently without any of my past thoughts. And I am truly scared of this because I dont know that I have anything else in this life then my thoughts. The freedom comes from a whole new set of thoughts created to take the place of these old lies and thoughts... Get them out; dont let them creep into my thinking. Get rid of my focused interest in them. See something new. And that NEW will be shaped by the direction of the universe. Now; I ask God for help for a very long time..
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Video games;
Im working with God on them; I love them; they are part of my hobbies brought to me by God; I earned my way into this level. Working with God on this hobby...
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MUSIC:
Wont happen yet; Ill have to be up to speed at its vibrational frequency and Ill have to be up and close intimitally with it. Not gaps. Ill be praying about this. Dissociative disorder makes this beyond challenging... Fear and pain; Terror triggering...
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However, Ive also learned Ill work with God on being here and now with a new work ethic; because its that work ethic; thats causing the problem. Its in the work ethic and my background and abuse and dissociative disorder... PTSD CPTSD and so on....
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Things seem to be changing...
The world is rearranging for me. Im finally praying for the things I want.
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Friends
Girlfriend
Money
Family
Train trips and the money for such things. purposes for train trips... what will I be doing there...
The right church would be nice! Not yet!
Ability to create music Art
Changing my thinking from the past. The ability to create happy thoughts working with God...
That feeling of security and safety... Does that mean houses and cars and money and wife and family.
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Video games; where is all this going God; Your will not my will God; amen....
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Ill be working on manifesting these things; I can feel it; its coming; showing up... slowly. In not there yet. Im moving into that level. Ive been working toward this for a long long time.
The goal is; to get back that feeling of having my own personal life; like I own it and allowing God to create it out here in life for me... So I can feel safe and secure out here; what ever that means; how ever that is done. and I ll be praying for it..
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Im working toward getting my focus on meditation and manifestation on a daily basis; getting back into the next phase. I would call this Phase 4. So; Not yet. Im still coming into phase 3.
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I can see where all of this is taking me; a rise in frequency... thats what Im asking for... Its been happening.. just little bits... but more then that; like little furry animals looking around the corner and when I see them they jump and hide.
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So; I can see myself starting to change..
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Frequency rise....
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Finding God; and allowing God into my life in down times or beginning times... where I learn to be protected and safe...
Our partner
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