July 2025
June 2025
Ive finally come to this point that has to be dealt with. I never followed through as a man; Or did I!
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Im stuck at the end of the food chain. Did I work hard and win the prize... Is the prize a deception and will kill me if I consume it? Which way do I go.
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So; Im at this conclusion that Ive been subdued and at the end of myself and my ability to see or see right from wrong. Ill need God. Ill need to bow down to God in this God forsaken place.
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A dry cave; A God forsaken place with no growth; for I have not grown any further; Its as if im a boy; Ive made it into this cave and thats as far as Ive grown... Im Oke. But thats all I know emotionally. Ive literally not grown any further. Im fine with that... Ill start out there... Its horribly humiliating but it is the truth.
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When everything is paired away... When I look back; when the past is paired away and the only past showing up is the child within me trying to find people that will help me grow; Im starting to see a clearer picture of my innocence and abuse I witnessed and experienced; and the opportunistic scumbags that have taken advantage of me while I was trying to sincerely get real help to grow and develop. I was just looking for help and I ended up around snakes...
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I was an innocent boy looking for development. I had no parents... However, Im starting to see it.
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I have to go back in time far enough to be at a place of safety and then getting on my knees; seeing it in my imagination; and asking God for help; and keep it up and watch a whole new area of development come to me from God... However; this means I start praying about this as if Im at an innocent age as a boy; and start then. I have to imagine it; and ask for the protection from God. I then start imagining things that God wants me to imagine and Im set into a new direction; one of prosperity; safety and development. I may have to see myself in the First grade and start their; or the third or 4th or 5th grade. Maybe also age 10,11, 12, 13, 14.... Ill try them on; those ages and see what fits; Ill ask God and start from a decent innocent age and work from that perspective with God and see how God takes over and see where I Im suppose to grow at..
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Here's the key; I have to keep on my knees and keep praying until the storm and temptations come and go... and keep on my knees until until the storm is gone and Im completely safe...
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My ego is in the way... and darkness and a complete dryness with no God in this area. I think Im God in this area; And I have to be dethroned. And It is only God I want doing it... This is all very hard. but not really; not enough; I haven't even done anything yet... I know its sending shock waves through it to face it. But I get it; and Im heading down the right direction by talking about all this.
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So; Ive got the idea. I can feel it; and its heartbreaking to look back on it... To see people take advantage of an innocent person especially someone underage... However, the world is full of those people and I have to wake up to that fact and be more careful...
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I have to be more careful. And within my personality; Im not; Ive been trauma bonded and dulled over time... An area of me does not respond to my own health; I give way to the perpetrator; ITs like I dissociate at that moment and Im easily taken advantage of ( Im so completely complying and passive). I do not have the present strength to stand up to a direct attack of that.. or someone directly commanding me or ordering me( I feel scared and Im not present anymore). I go into freeze mode and fear and turn into a small scared child and will do what ever Im told to do out of fear. And I suppose opportunists see this... and they easily take advantage of me. So; That means Im moving outward way to fast into spaces I cant protect myself within. And I dont like to admit it. Im in over my head and do not have the maturity for the places I visit... Ill have to pull back.
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However, whats most important is an acceptance of all this and to start praying for Gods intervention in all of this that I go into a new direction with God; a direction of safety. THat means God taking over and I staying out of it.
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Its like being a dry cave; nothing there; and no God there. Just me and the sandy colored sand on the floor of the dry cave. Its an empty cave but its not; Im in there; the sandy floor and the cozy brown walls are the cave; and its circular; but its a nowhere cave; its a dead end. Nothing there. No GOd there... nothing. Its a quiet cozy cave with a sandy floor; its round like an ego; but theres no God there... Its empty and dry... No soul... only its own soul.. Not GOd soul...
What does this mean. It means theres not God in me at that level or frequency or vibrational place; God is not in that; I guess I have not allowed it or I did not allow God in to that arena... That way I get to hold on to my hate and revenge and resentments and hatred purposes... However; the poison is killing me... Literally. The hatred and contempt and rage is poisoning me to a point of still born silence.
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So; Ill be bowing down to God for the first time in this cave. A cave Ive lived in and visited many times... Ill have to bow down and bring God into this cave; and thus; begin the process of allowing GOd to move me from the cave; beyond( I stay out of it). To new places Ive never been. But safe places; me and God..
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