July 2025
June 2025
The path that leads me back to life; back to civilization; back to being present; back to being whole again in the most important ways; the pathway leading me back to being present again and the path leading me back to my original identity and the path leading me back to myself; Its under me but dark.. but its under me... This means its appearing. The real pathway. But its not easy; I still have to let go completely of the past; and thus; much work with my higher power to slowly un-tatch me from people and places and things; To face those things; talk with those thing or at those things; sit down with those things and work things out in my imagination or on paper until I am a full person and we come to an agreement saying all that we want to say to each other and then movinds
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Its just a beginning.
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Im getting more and more answers on how to have handled the moments of importance situations that overwhelmed me in the past from all ages.
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Ill have to keep working with the universe concerning the beginning of my life... From ages 3 1/2 onward through grade school. God will help me with those years but Im so bonded as a child in those years; bonded to my mother or father... Im just a small child so. But they do need to have newer and different avenue choices...
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More advanced changes...
Ill try to describe what Im now seeing and going through.
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Im beginning to see myself (BACK THEN); In social situations I was destroyed in; I was to trauma bonded and depleted as a human being to stand up for myself and the world crashed down on me on all sides destroying me and or leaving me; abandoning me to be for ever thrown away...
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Ive now done enough work to see myself as a healthy? Is that the right word! I mean; mental illness still cripples me; However......
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I see myself in the present standing on my own 2 feet with an arsenal of intellectual weapons and experience to help me in those situations where Im not the victim anymore; Im anything but the victim. I would be the one standing on my own 2 feet with all the understanding... I could talk to the other people; ask them to sit down with me and work through things so I could get a better understanding of who they were and where they were coming from. I could explain my situation so I give an honest representation of where Im actually at and who they are actually dealing with...
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Im starting to see myself handle my past situations. Face them and learn to sit down with those who did not understand me and find out what actually was occuring with both of us... I can see myself sitting down with them and talking.
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However; Im suggesting Im getting the ability to do such things. One must remember; these people turned out to be scum... White collar scum... So; I wont actually be sitting down with anyone I remember. But I will be sitting down with myself; because Im beginning to remember who I am... And Im beginning to be less afraid... Im starting to feel that freedom and safety one feels when they have a protective family around them... My vibrational level and frequency have rison much much high; and Ive put in the work underneath it into that foundation and GOd Universe has done the rest... In fact; Its an inside Job; I just bowed down to my higher power on my knees with my face in the ground 10000000000 times. and pray all the time; " Your will God; not mine" Amen... over n over and a million other praying things I do and meditation... Meditation not so easy. But I do it; not as much yet as I should tho...
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Im seeing myself. Im seeing myself back on my feet again; and I see myself back in those situations in the past; I own me; no one else. And no one from the past in my imagination owns me. I own me. accept maybe sexual abuse; that is a whole other animal of horror. ANd so the dissociative disorder and long term PTSD; Im still seeing all of that in a depersonalized way. Hopefully Ill get the help from GOd and who ever to slowly learn to face and combine that detached part of self...
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My ability to sit down with someone and stand up on my own to feet and meet them and sit down with them and explain everything of who I am and ask who they are and work on things cordially; This was impossible before. I was paralyzed before permanently ( meaning my nervous system and emotions and personality and soul). Things have changed.
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I have this new view of myself… its earned its not just a view of myself. I had some of this when very young. However, everyone around me was supplying it… take away the externals and I ended up destroyed because I had nothing… I had not developed anything yet; I was just a kid. I was in the process of developing on my own; because someone else was supplying the foundation…
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Today Ive worked with God for that foundation and it has returned. My still not present enough; I mean; Im barely able or wake… mentally. But the foundation has been in place and Ive been using it just a little. Or; as it gets into place Im using it as it shows up.
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Several great things going on here.
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1. The moving away from the vibration levels of the recovery meetings I attend. My frequency has arisen to a point of seeing myself like everyone else out in middle society again. Im slowly coming back to that. I have allot to face and Im not there yet… But I am right under it… a few feet off.
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Still not strong enough to be present; still dissociated; but close…. Close to being present and standing on my own feet. Im actually already there. But not strong enough to implement it outside. It certainly is showing up in my apartment and its definitely showing up around the guys I associate with and get rides with to and from meetings.
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its showing up around women. Or Im showing up to myself when Im around women; So this means; people in general. Im starting to come back to society again… Not there yet tho. Still damaged especially whats out in front of me… anything in front of me.
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Im at this place; Ive earned this right or this place because I bow down to God one million times; its not anyone's fault anymore. If I stand in front of you and cannot verbally or socially understand what to do; how to act; how to inner act; Heres the deal; I will have to learn the proper way.. It means I have to have a bit of maturity about myself and ask questions on how to do this successfully… the proper way… completing the mission… Im not going anywhere nor quitting. I used to quit all the time on all relationship stuff. Id just walk away. Today; I would like to finish what I start communicatively with someone and see what happens.
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Id like to learn how to get involved in relationships and get out of relationships. What if I get involved with the wrong person; what do I do. How do I sit down and talk and find out… How to I explain who I am to someone…
The only people I ever wanted to talk to turned out to be more criminal based; and I realized it would be better to run. And I realize; I never saw the world ever again the same. I saw everyone as criminals.
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As Im basically old; it doesn’t really matter; still plenty of people to have relationships that God brings me.
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I did learn one thing; Rich people don’t want to hang out with poor people. Its to easy for them to leave and treat people opportunistically. I found this out over n over n over… It doesn’t mean it happens all the time… Just saying common sense! Its better to work with God and have someone equal to myself in these regards…. Ive had the fantasies show up; they turned into monsters… It did not end well… I was broken heart’d and they where playing me the whole time and I never knew… And that is a very important concept; They deceive people. They are deceivers and liars… and if they are rich; They are protected through their status and money; They can do what ever they want with me… They see me as trash loser that is an object expendable; and they will use that card against me; but they were try to fool me; like someone hunting an animal and trying to act friendly at first to get he animals trust and then suddenly snag them… pounce on them and rip them to pieces… doesn’t happen all the time? Dont know; just say’n. Not suggesting what Im saying is to change someones belief; just a warning sign sit’n on the side of the road..” Do Not Enter”.
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Construction work occurring down several roads; a 4 stop was being redone… barriers across’d all four adjoining road. No cars to enter; no cars can enter… No one gets to enter; However, thats not true; the guys in orange safety vests and hardhats ( road construction workers), they get to enter… But the rest of us legally are not to bother them or enter; They have their own private little closed world as they work their construction magic; the rest of us our to respect the signs; ( Do Not Enter)…. Im trying to make a point. For many of the people I went after when young; They had signs up; ( Unless your one of us; Do not enter). IT was to late for me; I had found myself at their houses… I had long before crossed the road of no return… And Ill pay for it with the broiling of my inner soul… Ill be lucky to get out alive…
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Certain factions in society need not be bothered with; The well to do; the rich; the wealthy; are one of them…
Nothing wrong with gathering large stalk piles of money; barns full. The problem can occur with some that are brought up with wealth; they are a different type of culture that I certainly cant compete with. They are as different as the normal person as night or day… In fact I found those monsters to have no normal values; nothing… They actually feel they are superior beings… And they are extremely dangerous to the normal nice happy go lucky person in society; meaning; they cant be? Just say’n. Ive certainly learned my lessons over this… However; we will see who God brings when Im ready…
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Several areas emerging as I come back to life and Sanity…
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1. Take a bus to the community college; Take an Art class; Why?
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Taking a bus is significant; I don’t own a car; it means Im driven internally; its from my alignment with a higher power… its an authentic feeling and a driving inner excitement. Its means; Im willing to sacrifice how anyone sees me or what someone else thinks I should be doing with my life.
As an authentic person; I know what I want to do; I want to get on the bus; go to the community college and start making Art..
Its kind of like secretly; this is who I really am. At least to start with. Maybe later Ill start studying mathematics or something; but not to start with. It feels right… Perfect.
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I think of the people that told me what to do and be all my life because my life had no value and was treated subpar levels. And they told me to look and act like everyone else and the TV set; shows told me to become a banker or lawyer or Doctor or what ever… Based on how it will make me look to the outside world.
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My inside self was shut down with no hope; Now its coming back and its sensitive and vulnerable and not very strong; but it is authentic from the ground up.
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Taking that buss is so important.. the metaphorical concept of sacrifice and the idea that when Im doing something right and something I love and its from the sky; meaning the universe; GOD; Ill sacrifice and not care that anyone else is out here on planet earth… Ill just go do or sacrifice to do what Im suppose to do; I don’t have to ask anyone's permission; nothing. No one else is involved; its my interest in the outside world. And I can feel the energy line from the ground right through me to the stars… its perfect alignment… and its energized and strong and to me it makes perfect sense concerning my desires.
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Non of this will happen yet; im not strong enough; but the desires are showing up… showing up in the outside world and the answers.
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Another area concerns relationships from the past and how they were handled.. Im becoming more out going with my concept of standing up for myself verbally with others… those of the past; imagining this new way of interacting with those of the past… And without interest in outcome. Its not about the outcome; its about standing up for myself and expressing myself my view my feelings on the subject. Sitting down with the person and finding out the truth…
These things are given to me because the universe wants me to learn how to interact with others again in the present…
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