July 2025
June 2025
Just at a night meeting.
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My life has been meetings; a life blood of recovery. Many of them are hardcore with hardcore brutal people.
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Im a sensitive nice person; and thats not always the best combination for the kinds of meetings I go to; I get played allot; by sadistic twisted people with no concious... if I let my guard down just a little; BAM.
Its not just women; altho; a whole group of criminal like sociopathic women are in the groups; But also men... Its equal opportunity situation...
Ive been asking to sit at certain tables with different people. Its kept me safe sort a. However, its already leaving... Heres the important aspects; For for a moment before anyone could step in and destroy it; I sat with people and just for a moment; felt that feeling of security; like I was part of a family. And once that happened; they could not take that away; because in just a few more moments when some of those sycophants realized realized what was happening; some of them pulled up and moved to another table. But it was 2 late. This has been happening now for several meetings; THis is about the 3rd or 4th meeting in s row in the past; Tonight it was the same; and it was close; as soon as I settled in; someone moved their chair in just a way that kind of blocked me out of the table. Meaning I was kind of forced out or off the table sitting position just enough to be uneasy! That feeling of imbalance where I could not have a decent fit; But it didnt work.. I still felt it for a second; that family feeling; and a second is all I needed; And the universe take that second and start to multiply it if I think about it and feel it again.. and no one will stop me. As I slowly get stronger; Ill find myself in situations where this social will develop again and again; one second at a time.
Ill have plenty of people trying to stop me because they see no value in me; they have judged my identity and decided Im not worth what I think Im worth; They will try to play me into the ground.
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I have women at meetings do this all the time. If I sit at a table. it must be; Im chasing them. And thus; they have to move so Im not so enticed by them; supposedly; I guess they are doing me a favor? Of course; Im trying to be funny; Actually Im sickened by the whole affair. This is the area I dont like about meetings. This non sense.. Sociopaths and narcissists; evil. They just play people...
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Anyway.
So; for a few seconds here n their; Ive experienced a safe social... Just for a few seconds. Let me say that those around me that are not on myside; they can feel it; I can feel God around me and Im at ease when Im sitting at a table with others; And suddenly they get up or change the position so Im not in a powerful personal position anymore. They are manipulators and they are not going to help me win or stay safe. But its 2 late. I got what God sent me to the table for; a got a second of a feeling of serenity while sitting closely next to others; as if I was welcome and loved in a tight nit family...
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As for the meetings; Im in the right place until God says otherwise... So.....
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One second of that higher level experience and feeling of it. I will go with that and meditate and soon hopefully find myself heading toward other areas in life that bring out that feeling; that I fit in; that family protected feeling like Im sitting with people that love and admire me; allowing me to feel taken care of... All it takes is a moment to feel it and remember it and then box it up protect it; take it home; meditate and keep working with God; start focusing on that feeling and see where God takes it. takes me to a higher level out in the real world where I can experience it again; That feeling; focusing on that feeling; and once experienced and referenced; cant be taken. Its like a light; a purity from God... its like a precious jewel from God. And so; secretly focusing on that in my mind and meditation everyday; and I have to relearn how to do that again. By doing this and focusing on what I want; writing about what I want; a new narrative with my goal in mind; Im focusing on that goal by writing about it. The more new thoughts are put into my mind and meditation and prayer; over n over and the more I study success based thinking processes; How to manifest my dreams; laws of attraction and frequencies of thought and science based thinking processes... At some point; things began to show up; Thoughts become things.
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Sitting with others at round tables at the meetings;
Ive mentioned about suddenly getting the urge to sit by people again; and for a moment feeling those feelings of pure family and being taken care of and loved.. That feeling of being admired and popular and loved and valued. I thought about those feelings and dreamed about those feelings long before I ever found myself at a table to with others to experience them. running with and aligning with my higher power; staying in touch with my higher power; Im right where Im suppose to be...
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As I mentioned; it is a manifestation to find myself in social situations to experience those feelings and new experiences again. I feel and experience them because I was thinking about wanting a life; a new life of self actualization centered around those type of feelings; thats how I wanted to feel. However, as Ive mentioned; I only got it for a moment. I must grow up and understand that the world around me is thinking about themselves and they may have a much lesser view of me; they have created an idea of my identity and who I am and its much lower then my real identity so; if they think they are in charge and large and in control they will allow me to sit with them; be near them; but if I want to be treated as an equal or to express my real internal value; sooner or later they will sense it; and with contempt; they will try to abolish it; smash it in; strangle it to death. They will try to put a stop to helping; They will abandon me very quickly so I dont succeed; for they never wanted me to succeed or help me succeed; they are not trying to help me succeed; they want me to fail out of contempt because they think they are superior or better then I am; That I am nothing; and Ive gone through this half my life; how about all my life.
However, they dont know GOd or the Universe... Jesus...
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THe universe will catch them off guard; I will show up and suddenly spontaneously simply ask to sit with them; and for that moment I sit; Feel totally part of things and one with the universe and the world and the people around me and myself. And for that one second; a pure second I feel taken care of; and I must box it up and keep it hidden; pull it out when I get home when Im alone and its safe; And then work on it when Im alone; write about it and re feel it and pray and meditate.... and after meditation start remembering what that feeling feels like. and start writing about a life in a world where I could feel that way all day long every minute of the day; What would life look like. And keep working on it.
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As Ive mentioned; In a world of hostile twisted people; Not everyone wants to see me get ahead; and God knows this and thus will fool the evil arrogant out in life and force them to be fooled for his people and his uses... The foolish think they are in charge while the meek inherit the earth. And at some point when the meek finally inherit the earth; suddenly the meek are gone; they are out living again and the fools are all left to their own devices; one fool forced to only work with another... Because all the good people have left!
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So; Im in the process...
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As Ive mentioned; all experiences Im going through are slowly allowing my my past to get sift'd out to a point that friendships and intimacy and communication is what was important to me; things in families... THats what others used against me; took from me; But they didnt understand God or the Universe. Nor my ability to trust and work with the universe to spend my life uncovering these things through universal processes... To slowly uncover one layer at a time; to uncover myself and what is important.
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And Im starting to create Art again And music; just tiny bits... but its showing; a strength into reality and thats what I was working toward with the universe. And it seems to be happening very cautiously; and like I said; in the real world Ive found people on my side and Jackals who are trying to get my attention that I be swindled to think they are on my side and their hearts were never with me in the first place and they are all ready in the process of turning on me. THey are so sure they are so important that the rest of the world wants them... they are always looking looking for a Simp or a sucker... or a weakling and or an innocent naive person to play... They are monsters... So.....
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Im slowly moving toward this place of working more with the universe to move forward with my life into self actualization. I would say its all ready started.
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As for relationships; I understand now what I wanted; really wanted in a relationship... and what others in the past attempted to take from me. They took themselves away from me? because they created a fake best friendship with me or soulmate position. I never saw it coming. In my case; innocent.... However, working with God in the recovery process; I can get someone else; God can bring me plenty of people to play those roles to help me... Many people can step in to those roles; Ill keep working with GOd.
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As I mentioned. It will be awhile; but music and art are showing up; or Im showing up in reality to be able to create just a little bit... Im getting stronger because Ive spent so much time everyday working through the past; working with God; working with the universe. The universe putting new thoughts into my head. Will music and Art continue; be continuous; I dont know. Ill just keep at this over n over; the process.
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WOMEN? Not yet! Ive had some nice women who up around me. THe idea that nice people dont exist is so not true... I just have to work with the universe.
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Not Good Idea;
For example;
A manipulative person that Im trying to win over; This will not be a nice person; Im setting myself up for my own death when I get involved with someone like this; someone I win over.
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Nice people find me attractive and safe; I dont have to win them over.. They are nice and affectionate... they dont have a problem coming up to me...
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I will still gain recovery; even tho someone attempted to set me up to play me... Because thats what they do... I was uneasy but will still get the recovery Im looking for.
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As I get stronger; Ill ask the universe to start creating new places for me to gain recovery.
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Im just grateful to be this fare; with the knowledge of what I was really looking for in a relationship when young with other people; and that it can be replaced here now... because Im so in touch with what it was... And also by getting stronger My Art and Music creating start to appear.
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Our partner
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