July 2025
June 2025
The beginning of the acceptance of the past is; I thought I had someone to talk to and express my feelings; and I didnt. THey pulled up the rug and left me in a lurch... They didnt want to be my friend.
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At some point; Ill accept that they were not like me. And when they found out I was not from their neighborhood background; I was no accepted; I was not from there. ANd I did not come from a nice house with any parents or anything else; no relatives; nothing... No one was on my side. But what they didnt allow was a connection; When they found out I wasnt from their neighborhood; they disconnected me...
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However; THe real pain was; They saw I had been severed from life and was down and destroyed and they added to it.. THey added the disconnect when they saw I was helpless. THis is what ive talked about concerning spoiled middle class kids. THey will destroy everything below them because they can get away with it. But that really isnt the problem; it is; but its not.
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These people after finding out I was someone in need; they abandon me. It didnt matter how long I knew them; they were opportunists and had no problem dumping me...
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The real agony or reality was being cut off. I had hoped on finding someone to interact with; a friend I could talk to; A good friend; someone I could connect with; when they realized I was from the trauma class and not the middle class; their middle class; THey led me on long enough to get my walls down so I would start believing I had close friendships or the making of relationships and they allowed this for awhile; long enough; it was like being groomed; and then when I felt safe for awhile and opened up for awhile and really brought out all my depth; they turned on brutally; suddenly; like sharp knife; stopped talking to me; and would not associate with me anymore; they were laughing the whole time... My nervous system was ruptured and my mind an brain and hope of being alive; I did not want to be alive anymore...
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Anyway; I realize; I can find others to talk to... it hurts tho. But Ill be OKE...
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Its important to par down right to the edge; what it is that is missing; I had no one to connect with; I was all alone. And when they saw that; and they saw I was vulnerable; they attacked... The way they attacked was through isolation and pulling back the ability to communicate anymore.
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However, Looking back at my whole life. It was this ability to be intimate with people; thats what they took from me. But did they really take it from me; or just take themselves away from me. At first; they added to the inability to speak anymore.. My voice was gone.. I had no more purpose... Now; things are different; For; the real me was buried so very deeply; no one ever got to it; but it was kept from me as well; God did this until in later life in recovery I could get to safe ground...
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So; if GOd brings me new people; I can now talk to them; and let the satanic monsters of my past; let them go.. not worry about it; they were faking it anyway.
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Things have now paired down to a simple concept of being able to talk to someone.. thats what a friend is for. And those people; middle class spoiled kids when I was young; they were never my friends; some purposely set me up to pull the rug out on me. God has let me know; they are not with GOd; they are with the devil. And thus; they are none of my business.
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Since starting this project of getting over some aspect of the past; it is pairing down to a point that; being able to have friends and community and family; New friends and community and family; to have people to talk to is what this is all about. learning how...
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Its about having someone to talk to. I thought when young I had found a best friend to talk to; talk about my problems and trust. Instead; I found a spoiled solid middle class group of people who set me up as if we were friends; and they were only Josh'n. THey werent serious; they were just playing me; they had no interest in me or getting close to me; they were setting me up leading me on and using me; and they would soon lead me just long enough to get my trust so I would believe we were friends; and then out of know where; use me; dump me! laugh all the way; then turn and act like they had never seen me before; and tell others I meant nothing to them and that we hadnt have really met...
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However, ; After much work; its coming down to what my parents took away from me; a family; so I had all kinds of conversation and love and interactions when very young; all gone; all taken on purpose. However, Now I know; and its only a matter of time until the universe replaces and starts bringing me friends again that I can trust...
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I still have a ways to go to slowly learn how to open up my feelings again and believe again that I wont get my arms tore off just because I want to talk to someone or have a friend...
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But; God brings friends. Ill start praying about it right now. God has done everything to being me back...
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NOTE: THese new friends will not be like the monsters posing of the past. My new friends will be real people; nice people. Down to earth people. God will bring me friends thare merrior God and the Universe...
THe Universe and God our my friends... ANd Thus; at some point; God will bring me people I can trust and a system to learn how to communicate with others again in safe ways and spaces and places; not sure yet; Im still in freeze and survival mode at deeper levels on this.
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Have about half a million modern video games with my gaming computer so; Ive got hobbies and such; safe places to get in touch with stuff and practice interaction. Video games are great for interaction; therapy for later development help with dissociative disorder. So; Ive got my basis covered. Fantastic for later rehab help for dissociative disorder; I learn I can pull out of the game when ever Im over interacting or get triggered.. I can practice visually with stuff coming and going and if I get overwhelmed; I can stop.
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For now; I go to meeting and keep working on the past... just keep digging and digging and honing it out; slowly; and its working.
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As I mentioned; what was taken from was the ability that friends have; people set me up as if we were friends. I thought I was making friends; I was thinking they were my friends But they wern't. I thought I was making a friend; they didnt; they were playing someone on purpose... Its horrible; but thats what upper middle class kids do to anyone who is not part of their culture level; meaning economic level or stability; They really are not safe people in my opinion...
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Its to bad I ever wondered into them....
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Anyway; slowly getting to the root of the problem; and I can now start asking the universe to restore what is needed so I can trust again and learn to be safe and learn to communicate again in a civilization; And or with a friend.
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Ive been doing a little bit of Art lately; we will see if it sticks and I keep going.
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Our partner
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