August 2025
July 2025
Its been a s Pentagon of decades since 9th grade... And finally; with much work; it looks like Im slowly leaving 9th grade; or its slowly releasing from me...
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Rocket space flight; just like 9th grade: a comparison; as 9th grade is leaving me; its much like a section of a rocket to the moon leaves the rocket when its finally out of fuel and has no more purpose.
What part of a rocket detaches?
Imagine results for what parts of a moon rocket dislodge and separate while in space flight
"In the typical case, the first-stage and booster engines fire to propel the entire rocket upwards. When the boosters run out of fuel, they are detached from the rest of the rocket (usually with some kind of small explosive charge or explosive bolts) and fall away. The first stage then burns to completion and falls off." Source; Internet! Dec 2022.
Im like the main rocket; and the Booster rockets are my 9th grade year; They have dethatched; 9th grade has dethatched and is slowly falling away; and with it; all the memories and people of that time period; at least the ones Ive worked on. By By!~
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And that is a big goal... that means Ive safely established myself in a new town and new time from that time period. Ive been able to express where Im at and what Im going through in this new present time period...
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I talked bout it today at a meeting; Im finally working through the 9th grade and gone... gone through the warp drive; through the quantum leap... through the cosmic wall to the other side...
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I have much going for me in the present; Im to present to have to live those years in the past anymore.. The other issue; Ive worked hard making it through the recovery process with disinterested people who dont care about my 9th grade year or what happened in it... However, Ive still learned to share what I have to share regardless of whos in the recovery rooms.
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My goal is to let go of my First Love; from that time period; It hurts but it doesn't; but it does a little; but it doesn't... its not real; that monster was not real... low life scum! And I want to separate from that and many other things that happened during those years...
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I want my soul back and my mind back and my nervous system back.... I dont like the idea some sadistic sociopath was even near me the way this monster got a chance at me... I was taken by surprise.. This was a 2 faced 2 level individual; top level acted normal; lower level; sociopath opportunist trying to play people into the ground; getting off setting people up to destroy them. I never saw it until it was 2 late... However; just as important; all of this was done at her house; So; it all gets nullified out because I was never invited by her back to her house because I never met her. Other situations occurred that I ended up at her house without her permission.
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So...
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When I was younger; I tried to break way; I was looking for something new. I ended up around murderers; I never even know I had gone into that hornets nest; that nest of black widows or scorpions; I had gone there with the idea of meeting new progressive people or maybe new people to build a new relationship; I had no idea I had just walked in on the same type of people I had been trying to escape; In the process; completely fooled; I opened myself up completely; and unfortunately I was already damaged; THey groomed me and led me on; For a long time; I didn't even know what was going on; my wave frequency was somewhere else. It never occured to me. It took over a year for me to figure out something sinister was wrong; but by that time i had over committed myself to these people; and at that point; bam; they pulled the trigger one might say and pulled the rug out from under me. It was like someone gave me free tickets to the Titanic; when they knew it was going down. And I; like all other passengers; had no idea; 100% nothing; no clue until the ship went down and it was 2 late. Unfortunately for me; I was not on their premise with their permission. So; non of this counts. Sure; the story counts morally and spiritually and emotionally and psychologically; but not legally; I have to be invited or even God doesnt care; doesnt count it; because I could have been at home worshiping and praying to God and just meditating on God and waiting to see who God would bring me to show up or what life God would bringing me. I certainly wouldn't have ended up at at strangers houses in a neighborhood I knew nothing about.
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The question now is; Where do I go from here...
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Ive succeeded in applying success based thinking( to at least a basic understanding) and I have a workable grasp of different teachers of the for-front of new thinking spiritual concepts... So; Ive been working those programs; Ive built some confidence in my belief in these new thinking processes and programs. So; not a problem here! Not with my learning material for breaking into new ways of thinking. Its hard tho... Im an explorer of such things.
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I have a co creating relationship with God. However, its been used in desperation to help regain my life back from the past. Ive not used it yet for a full on new mature life of complete changes in the present outside world; to the point of physical monetary riches; not yet; not that I haven't received some things. My use of those tools concerned mental health and relational health issues and the past... And its been working. Couldn't ask for anything more; GOd brought it to me; this new way of thinking. Its hard to apply; but Im learning if I take up the opportunity.
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THE PRESENT AND THE FUTURE:
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I am scared now. Im nervous. The universe has been expressing what had happened to me when young; ( new thoughts) and what happened when I was a teenager and how I was destroyed and set up... I absolutely never saw it; never saw it coming; complete blind sided; complete ambush... But I understand what happened.
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NOTE: IT all falls back to a dismal problem. I came from nothing; no one. And thus; no one else wanted me. I found myself going to other peoples homes without proper permission or introduction; thus I was never accepted; but then; I would never have been accepted in the first place; I dont know anyone that takes in a stray Dog that comes to the porch and wants a hand out.
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NOTE: ITs not easy.. I had no choice but to stay put and find God and follow God; I actually had nothing else. I knew no one else... running up to other peoples homes did not work; THey were strangers and sooner or later I was repelled. No one accepted me. No one ever......
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NOW WHAT?
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1. Turning to God for my new thoughts; I; Thinking about the kinds of thoughts I want to think and working with God as a goal for that; what ever that may be; including the feelings associated with those thoughts. That is the goal. I must understand that the people in the world are not set up to rescue me. Agencies in the world might be... The general public is not interested in my well being; they were thinking about themselves; not me... They have their own private lives.. So; I must turn to God and let God bring the right people and places and things.
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NOTE: I will take a while to get over the losses of the past. ITs so very hard. I had illegitimate experiences. They were not legal.. In a sense; A kind of social legality morality. I found myself on the doorsteps of peoples homes that never invited me in a real sense; so; in a court of law; the judgment is for those people that didnt like me; those in those homes that didnt invite me to be in their homes; sounds harsh and cold and empty; My alternative choice would be to pray and seek God and have a relationship with the universe and have the universe help me... That really was my only course.
I could work with God and join a social organization like a Church... That would be a legal thing to do.
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2. New relationships...
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3. The ability to create art.. this will require a new me; Im on one side of the bridge right now. Ill have to make it over to the other; and gaps and walls exist and it seems an alligator pits. So; Ill have to work with the universe to overcome the PTSD that is in the way... ANd its horrible; This is no game...
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New places to process my information. Ive been using 12 step groups for a long long time; hiding incognito at those places; They do not see me or know me; They only know this very alone guy that always looks the same; I look like a bum drug addict most of the time... I talk as if Im want to come out of loser bumhood. ANd I would not have my image any other way... Its perfect; no one knows anything different; no one knows anything else about me. And this is a part of my costume; who I am; my real survival escape hiding identity; And I use this defense costume at those places. And I do a lot of serious dumping of my past and talking about my anxiety and desires and dreams and struggles. However;
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Its time to get back with the middle classes again back into society; so; finding new places to meet educated people with decent moral ethical discussions; Im ready for it... Not that I dont meet cool people at meetings; I do; but a whole part of my life has been put on hold as I work on my recovery; and I would like to find myself at new places and discoveries at this point.
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MONEY/RICHES.... I dont know; yet; I can experiment with these ideas using the laws of attraction.
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Start Dating; Could be; Ill work with the universe. Ill need to feel safe again. Im scared to death to meet more 2 faced people... I dont want to get my inner being raped anymore; Im so tired of it...
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Ill really have to work with the universe to bi pass this concept... bi pass this kind of people; this kind of deceptive criminal. And move on to greater things and a great life.
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Seeing myself in a greater life.
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The universe has set me up in a kind of perfect situation. IVe been able to solidly have a fixed income; small amount but enough to have a room to live in and some things... and food and a little money... The universe has set me up in a very nice recovery town; and Ive been using it for that purpose for half my life in the recovery process; Ive applied myself to it like working a daily job.. Im very grateful. More so then I could ever say... And all those people that sat and listened to me and still do; who are helping... WHo have helped.
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Im actually really well set up to work on spiritual matters; and this translate to real world physical and maybe material success and relational success. I mean; Im able to work on such things.... We will see.
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My goal is to get over the pain of the past; Heal up and move on. No one says my situation is easy... However, it may be doable if I keep at this...
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So; Im forcibly kind of ready or wondering around to go to the next level...
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I have to learn to now; let go of some of the past I missed; go down my lane for awhile and allow God to create all new people and places and things for me.
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And Im always working on learning how to get those false thoughts and memories out of my mind. I was groomed by a lot of people that created brainwashing in my head. And what was created was meant for me to believe lies about myself and my situation so i could be easily manipulated; And those memories and thoughts are still in my head.
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Im still seeing painful situations where others are cruel and brutal to me; laughing in my face as they set me up and pulled the rug out on me. ANd I relieve they are doing it again; I replay the fantasy of it. And that has to go. As soon as I feel those torture thoughts; Im learning for the first time how to jump out and away from the connection of those thoughts and other thoughts like them. I have a core of those resentment thoughts I dont need. The key is; its all a lie; all of it was a lie. The sycophants that did these things 2 me were just; twisted low life sycophants; Im not really missing out on anything or anyone... They were just bullies; thats all they were... And Ive got to come out of this; these thoughts; so I will work with the universe on this and for personal support for my recovery of such things.
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Ive had to adapt the 12 step meetings into a giant recovery process and in the beginning for mental health/addictions/relational/ spiritual help; Yes; its done its work to keep me alive while God helps me figure all this past out!
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Now; Im interested in moving on.
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When I put the word in thick black letters in my head; GOD... And keep it in the for front of my mind and then go out into the world; suddenly I can see how others didnt treat me as I am worth... They had no interest in me ever; but I never knew this. But theres more to it.
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Its seems in some of my teenage stories; they come out to be the typical teenage story; I meet stuck up teenagers that play a game against me because they are bulling me in that way and I get hurt by them and run off kind of thing and go home and tend to my wounds; I guess its that innocent and simple? I guess so. But something more sinister is going on here... Its life or death! However, it certainly is as innocent as Ive suggested.
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Also; I was trying save others and I got it slammed in my face that the real person that needed to be saved was myself. I was trying to push it off on them. And they never invited me up to there houses in the first place; more then once more then one person... I went through this several times. I acted out; like I could get away with it. I can think of at least 4-7 people I innocently basically found myself at other peoples houses; and I was not accepted but I never knew this... They never did accept me from the beginning but I never knew this... I had no idea they were almarlmed that I was on their doorstep; and I never realized they never wanted to be friends with me. I thought; " WHy woudnt someone not want to be friends with me"; But going to their houses was way over board; that suggested a whole other set of problems.
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The problem was; many of the young people I visited when young; THey never liked me or wanted me... I mean; they were like; complete strangers with their own lives; they were fine; they didnt need to know me or ask to know me. In fact; I created safety concerns in these people; they never wanted to know me or meet me... I took it upon myself to do so... They never trusted me. Worse than this; they never needed to trust me; I meant nothing to them; they never wanted me on their grounds in the first place.
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Im trying to slowly create another picture for myself here... A more realistic picture under the care of God... closer to the truth as I get closer to the truth...
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In some cases; I was so aggressive and assertive when meeting some of these people; THey thought of me as a middle class salesman and were willing to talk with me and give me a chance to sell my wares.... Some of them actually gave me a chance. I was a fake and thus caught; I never followed through. I was faking being around them.. And once caught; I was laughed at as a fake and dismissed...
NOTE: I was in trouble with life; I was broken throw away... I had nothing; flunking out in school; no friends. ALl ready destroyed..
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In many ways; I was just trying to fit in... I was just trying to join the crowd but it never worked... I had no base... so I couldnt fit in...
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NOTE: Nothing is worse then spoiled or taken care of middle class kids... We live in a Caste system in my country; brutal caste system build on money. If junior high kids or high school kids even sense I dont come from the same middle class background; if they think Im a loser with nothing or flunking out of school completely regardless of trauma or the reason; They will put me in the lowest caste system position immediately; and if I dare to come up around them or their houses or try to act as any kind of equal; if I even get near them; its completely anyilation. And or I could be played into the ground; be set up as if Im like only to be led off a cliff; figuratively and realistically.
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As much as I wanted to be accepted; I wasnt in the right neighborhoods anymore. and even in the first neighborhood I Was in when young; only the people on the south side; the kids on the south side accepted me; nune on the north side. This is a very important concept to accept.. For I thought I could go anywhere and be accepted; and I couldnt or didnt... And I didnt know this. The kids on the north side had money; and I was not wanted... Things were not turning out like on TV...
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Im cool with the idea that only on the south side was I accepted; at least I had friends somewhere; Ill take them.
None of the kids on the north side; none of the rich kids; nothing ever wanted to meet me; I didnt exist; I had no idea of this evil; nothing... I meant Id have to learn how to survive some other way on my own with Gods help. I could not at that time. Im learning how to do that now...
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I disturbed allot of people. Some of them responded by giving me a chance; they had no interest in me or respect for me; nor did they ever think about me before I showed up at their homes. Most had no idea why I was there.. Some did give me a beginning curiosity of look and then discarded me... Remember; they didnt need me; I was not part of their family.
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When it came to women; some of the women not knowing why I was there; at some point thought I was a suiter; and wanted to date them. They weren't sure what I was doing there at their homes; I mean; they kind of were like; " OK we will give this salesman a chance; he seems to be trying to sell us something?". They were kind of corcial.. Maybe; once they learned I was a throw away and an F student or a broken person just trying to have a reason ro live or connect to anything; in desperation; They threw me away; THey pulled the rug out on me; they wanted me dead; thought it was funny; and they would make sure after leading me on; suddenly they would vanish; and later claim they never knew me or liked me or even spent time with me; it was all a joke for them... THey could care less. I meant nothing to them.
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In the end I was never wanted by anyone. The fact was; they have lives and privilege I did not. Going to there homes and trying to be friend them; didnt work. I was defeated. I didnt know it wouldn't work; it never occured to me they wouldn't be interested. It never occured to me it wasnt the normal way to meet people for me because I was part of the trauma classes and not the middle classes. And it never occured to me I was violating something... I guess I was violating their space simply because I was born... And they would have appreciated if I would take my life and go away for good.
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So this whole experience of looking at my life is about me being angry and acting out and finding other people in the community to act out on; but it backfired. No one wanted to play... I never knew. I was not part of the culture because I was a throw away... I was never even seen.
I ended up at other peoples homes and they were just kind of shocked and concerned and angry for being disturbed and wanted to know who I was and what I was doing at their homes... and thats about all it was... no one was ever interested in me...
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God showed me lately; " Omnicell" " Put GOD; the word right in front of my brain and focus on that and then imagine Ive gone up to there houses... in their backyards; in their faces and see if they would act interested in me. And what I found; GOD had no place in their lives or their homes regardless of how much they play acted that God was with them. GOd was with me; Not with them! I was actually a really nice guy and with God.. THey were not; non of them. And thus; God made it clear that I was not suppose to go around these demon filled people in the first place..
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Gods chalice will not be found in the home of the rich; but in the home of the humble or meek.. Certainly this is a simple age old question and saying and wisdom based concept. However, How true it was. Nothing had changed... Nothing had changed since biblical times...
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So; to re cap this story;
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My new findings;
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I Was a damaged throw away; what I needed were agencies to get involved in order to assess my situation and thus get help.
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I did something that most broken throw aways might try; I tried to interact with the locals. I was spat on threatened and thrown away by them. No one wanted what I was selling. No one was interested in me; I had no home; I was a broken person in survival mode and needed help...
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Middle class children with a solid family system and good grades; well adjusted; THese are the last people to ever associate with when Im a broken person with no family or life or future or the ability to participate in anything because of severe trauma; Middle class kids will eat me alive.. Im considered an outcast in their community; they will trample me under their feet; turn and tear me into pieces. I was not ever wanted by those people; I was truly heart breaking.
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At times I met middle class girls; They would just set me up; play me to take a fall and laugh all the way through it as they got away with it; they didnt care; I was disposable; they had good grades and money and solid families; They thought they could get away with raping someones inner being and inner child and inner soul; to murder someone in this regard; and they did... THey could care less ever...
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I needed to be at agencies for help; I needed never leave my room and meet anyone new... I needed to focus on God and what direction God wanted for me.
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WHAT AM I WORKING ON NOW;
Im working letting go of those middle class families I visited for help or companionship when young; letting go of the whole narrative and instead accepting that those type of people in society could have never helped me; never understood me.. Nothing.
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I needed to stay by myself; pray allot and learn some how to get a hold of agencies that could bring me into some kind of psychological and mental health help and help with my failing schooling and being completely disconnected from reality and society andy myself...
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So; the big change is to see me stay in my room when young and not venture out to anyone life; just stay away from people. All of them. Focus on getting help through agencies. Do not venture to anyone house under any condition and no middle class kids homes; Nothing; stay away from those teenagers.. Stay to myself; get help first.
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So; I need this advice right now to change this past narrative giving everyone a break... I could not expect kids from a middle class home to be able to understand me or help me... I was like someone from another country.......
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