July 2025
June 2025
So; Lucky me; with Gods help. Im authentically at this specific place of recovery concerning my first love. Im attempting to recover from my first love. Ive recovered from others that I knew when young; False friends appearing real. Im attempting to deal with the last important relationship concept of my teen years; My first love. Ive worked through many aspects concerning that person. Ive got one last aspect left to work through and grieve and let go of or find out the truth about; Friendship.
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My soul interest in this person was based on friendship; She would be my best friend and girlfriend and first love and probably my wife. I would never see any reason for anything different while with her; the potential that was shown me by her; her interest in me. However, with time; cracks began to show up in this nicey nice fake coating false contrived friendship behavior.
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Unfortunately; every area Ive described. friendship; best friend; first love; wife... All of these areas were contrived by this person; She was lying or faking it; seeing how far she could go to fool me; seeing how far she could take this; all for the fun of it. I meant nothing to this person; This person had zero attraction or interest in me; Nothing; completely nothing. This persons family was well known for conning the community. I just never put that information to use and applied it to their daughter. I thought I was trying to save their daughter. When in reality; their daughter was the most evil person in the family system. I never knew; This whole bad experience occurred because I was in a new town and neighborhood; I did not know these people prior to this and did not know the rules of the neighborhood.. Was it a nice neighborhood or a bad neighborhood... I didnt know anything. I was a throw away and basically had been orphaned. I was living with adults that did not care if I lived or died and had no more interest in me then that; They had moved on from when I was a child. I had no choice but to live with someone. I had to live somewhere. They would have never allowed it but they would have had to explain to others around them and job situation why their children were not with them...
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Anyway.
After meeting this girl; it was friendship; Thats what this whole thing was based on; friendship; How well I got along with her; compatible; temperament. Looking back; she made very much effort to act the part as much as possible to be totally believable as possible in order to be convincing; She mirrored me; She played the perfect listener and temperament; she knew what guys are hoping to find in girls; in their personalities. She played a part that was a perfect copy of someone slowly perfectly fitting my personality; Looking back; it was almost like being charmed;
Thus; I would think I had a soulmate; and she played that part up as well; down to the point of looking at me at times like we were connected; It was all fake. She did not feel any connection toward me or anything else. Her soul and my soul never met; we were not friends as she was acting; She was my enemy actually; she was the enemy of all decent people. She was a fraud trying to murder someone; trying to rape the insides of someone; turning them inside out... Trying to murder every aspect of my innocence or decency... Just a murder'r.
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She had a brother notorious for doing this same thing to women; Leading them on completely; they; thinking he was a soulmate best friend and then after getting their defenses down and hopes up; He would dump them... and move on. Im sure he caused allot of disability in the personalities of many of these unfortunate people; made them scared to be alive or ever trust another soul in this life; maybe disabled for life from the brutal way this sociopath ( Her brother) operated upon them. It was a whole family thing; all of them.
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So; my first connection with this person; It appeared she was just a normal down to earth girl. I was completely wrong... red flags; but I didnt listen to them... .
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She played the perfect part; every bit of it; even the flirting was contrived; everything down to the tee; it was all contrived; all of it a game to see how far she could take someone...
I thought I had found a best friend. I remember how wonderful it felt to just be near her. Now the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach; it was a narcissistic predator setting me up for a fall... Thats all it was.. Nothing more! And thats hard to take; but the truth is good enough.
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FRIENDSHIP;
I wasnt just friends with her at a lite kind of casual level. I had put my whole childhood self into this person. My walls were completely down; this was part of her grooming process and it worked flawlessly. I dont think I even questioned it.
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In this life;
I was broken and thrown away and had no one. So; when I met this person; My whole self went into this... all of me. and it will be all of me that gets destroyed... turned on and trampled into pieces.. torn into pieces emotionally and psychologically. Later; it was almost physical; She had hired some guys to put me in the hospital... This is after I saw she was a sociopath and began to back way...
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All of this was based on friendship. ITs not easy finding someone to relate with; its very rare and hard; especially finding those few people in life that are best friends; its lifes most precious commodity. But not for a sociopath predator; for them; its nothing but a game to use against a decent person in the community... and thats what happened to me.
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I was being groomed by a predator threw friendship. The friendship was the base of this continuance. This sociopath was smoothly mirroring me on every word; making it seem we got along perfectly... of course; no one in reality gets along that perfectly. But I was young and didnt know better... I fell for it. Did not know someone was maneuvering me; I had no idea; nothing; clueless.. nothing! I actually believed I had met the right person and we were getting along and this would be my wife some day... And thats exactly what she wanted me to believe...
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This whole Act of setting me up was based on this false premise of friendship...
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THE GOOD NEWS FOR ME!
Ive worked through enough information concerning this person and I have only one aspect left to face and work through; FRIENDSHIP... I have to work with GOd sifting through every detail I can remember or find or that God Universe opens up for me concerning how this fake friendship got started; how and when I began to get groomed by this person.
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So; I have to grieve this; I have to let my feelings of despair out over this. The cool thing is; I only have to deal with the friendship aspect at this point; not the marriage lose or FIRST LOVE loss; or affectionate loss Or closeness loss; Ive dealt with all those other aspects of loss from what this perpetrator did! I only have to deal with the manipulation of being fooled into this fake friendship; its beginning; how I was operated and groomed and fooled. Once I start letting go of this false friendship aspect; information proving it was all false; That is when the whole of this relationship concept comes completely tumbling down... Im at the last stage of this whole experience...
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The whole concept of this relationship was based on wanting a best friend or a friend. And when the information shows the inconsistencies in this persons contrived believable fake friendship behavior. Very slowly this whole experience will become devalued and she will disappear into the past. She will disappear into the past; no redeemable aspect of knowing this person or ever remembering this person; she will be like a bad war for a nation; Something no one wants to ever remember again...
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And Im so close; all I have to do is break her friendship behaviors down that I remember. She was a fraud operating as a danger to society; to the people in this society... Im sure I was not the only victim from associating with this corrupt family...
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So; Im so close. However, I still dissociate over most of this; so; the universe has to help me stay present to deal with this. Dont know how long this will take.
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NOTE: I was not in the middle of the herd; I was a throw away out on the outskirts of the herd.. Not connected; I was a stray outside the flock; Just the kind of lost animal a predator looks for to violate; to create great violations against.
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As soon as this is done and she is gone from my focus or interest and conscious mind; I can forget about ever knowing her. I can go out and meet cool real people again... This time under GOds care where its safe. I need allot of practice this time; and this time; I have support. Ive got people to work with; keeping me in the middle of the herd.. But that is for another blog...
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