July 2025
June 2025
Im slowly waking up from what put me to sleep when young; when a child. ITs amazing that this is happening; the staggering grief associated with this; trauma hatred and anger of what was done to me is beyond measurable. I was murdered out of my life on purpose.
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When very young; I did find myself around other families; what I didnt know; they were resentful for me being present in their lives; I had absolutely no idea... Those people have come n gone as if I never knew them; and I was abandoned and left alone for ever. I had a first love; but she was never a first love; no! Instead; I was being played by someone who set me up classically from the first day to destory me. IT was a fake out; someone who kept playing like they liked me; setting me up deeper and deeper and deeper; merrioring me; I bought into it without knowing. In the end; she will completely pull the rug out on me laughing the whole way; never talk to me again and claim she never knew me... I meant nothing to her... And she was gone for ever. I was completely abandon... My parents will do the same thing; Many people will; I will be completely destroyed so many times; I end up a psychopath... But because I was born with a conscious; it was induced from trauma. And many other bad things I went through; just like other orphaned throw aways; my stories no different. The only difference is; I never used enough drugs to get completely hooked on them; I was able to get out of that. And I was never in jail; and that truly is a miracle. I was a base level criminal antic knocking on the doors against society; But; It never happened... I never became that criminal... or that violent offender in the penitentiary.
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Today; Im on my way back to the starting line to live again; much like I was in the first grade... 5-6 years old. To start over where Im starting from nothing but OKe and present.
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This time I have God with me. I have a higher power...
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All that I know about my future is; to participate in it from the basic starting points of interest. Mos of my life has been a giant defensive nature.. Nothing more and growth beyond about 6-7 years old; or maybe 5 years old... There was nobody.. Only those houses I visited as a kid and the TV set sitcoms; that was it; nothing in the real world ever... not really.
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I had no friends;
Any time I tried to make closer friends; they spat in my face; set me up to completely play me and destory me; They thought they were better then me from the beginning. So; Im getting close; Im not there yet; but getting closer...
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Willingness with Music and Women; Im praying about it right now.
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Ive been here before but never ready. Now; maybe! Ill pray to God about it and see if Im ready; Lots of dissociation thoughts.
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At least one thing is happening; Im more apt to accept starting at a lower level in the beginning; I mean; Ive got to start at the ground up because their is nothing else. And thats been hard on my ego. My anger has made me entitled and its not working... its a fantasy dream world Im getting pulled out of. Back into the real world.
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NOTE: I still saw myself as a small child where I had hope for a specific kind of life; That never happened and I could never accept this; But now; Im working with the universe to wake up and accept this so I can be preset; move beyond the past just a little more; moving into my present life and starting from nothing...
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I can probably survive or attempt things if I would just keep working with God and starting over at the very base beginning.
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What does the beginning look like; Imagine for example. I wanted to create Art for Art sake. I go to the local park; pick up sticks; I widdle them with a knife; I glue them together and create something and paint it; and I call that art! Its that simple. Painting rocks for example; Their it is. Making designs in the dirt with my foot by an wall of an old garage or something. And seeing this as a serious legitimate beginning. And doing lots of these and going from there. I want that present focus and I want to feel present and good. And if I keep working with God on the resentments of the past; the universe will bring the people for support as I slowly deal with the past that was so overwhelming; the truth. The truth is; I was a throw away; an orphan with no family; abandon. Anyone could see what I was; an orphan alone abandon; and I found myself around murder'rs; THey opened their doors to me and then murdered me. I was so permanently disabled after all of this; I could never function again as a human being.
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Ive been missing this beginning foundation; I told myself " IM TO GOOD FOR THIS; I WONT DO IT" " IM TO AFRAID OF BEING CAUGHT UP IN LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WITH NO PRIVALAGE THAT HAS TO DO SOMETHING TO HAVE SOMEthING: LIKE POOR PEOPLE HAVE TO DO" " I HAVE A LOOK AND IM NOT GIVING IT UP FOR ANYONE!!Q!@" and I mean; that pride; thats what is stopping me. Im scared because Im not really smart enough to do anything and Im so lazy with no work ethic or character; its all going to come out. To immature to do anything. To undeveloped; Ill look so stupid and have traumatized and dumb
However, I do have a positive to lean back on; I have a good recovery attitude. I have recovery places and people I can pull aside to talk to anytime I want; men or women; about anything from any level of lack of maturity age...
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Desperation is what leads people on into recovering from things.
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MUSIC...
THis is the most important new area to work on; new information from the universe on how to create music in the present.
To create music in the present and perform it; Id have to be in the present half way acceptable to my life. And I can see that that may happen. I can see it; cant feel all of it yet; because Im 2 broken up; The other reason; The last time I remember being half way happy present I was very young; a child with brothers around or friends from school... Since then; nothing.. things are now changing.
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MUSIC:
THe key to creating music is to start out with nothing or at nothing; and just start out; with the idea of liking it; start out with nothing for a good long while; learn to take anything and make music with it; record or write it or hum it or memorize it and then perform it somewhere; Just go do this creating performing stuff and get some basic level interest and experience. People are motivated out of desperation; Desperation doesn't always have to be poverty death level fear; Allot of times It does have to be this; but in my case; the desporation is; I start out with nothing or I dont start out. And I learn to build with anything and keep at it until I honestly build upward one honest experience at a time. And there it is. And Im not there yet; but thats the plan from the universe.
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CAREER; I dont know about that; and I dont know what career; it doesnt have to be music or art! I mean... Ill work with the universe.
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Ill be creating regardless so. I mean. Career is a whole other ballgame. Ill talk to the Universe about it; to my higher power God...
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WOMEN;
The big change in women is the interest in meeting a cool personality that I can be friends with; someone God has sent. Ill be praying and meditating on things. Im still getting over people from the past; so; Im doing fairly well...
So; its about having friends.. and meeting someone that is a cool friend... and going and doing things with them and talking to them.
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I seriously could not be in present relationships until some of the names of the past were completely gone. And they are leaving.
THe more the universe reveals those monsters from the past; who they really were; how they were tricking me and trying to destroy me and that was their only motive for knowing me. The more I understand what I got myself into. The easier it is to let go of all of them... And start coming back to my decent nice self...
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Ill make it; However, much work still with the universe on healing.
Our partner
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