July 2025
June 2025
A constant continuation of changes occur everyday concerning my growth or under movement expansion of my repressed life.
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Im noticing allot of losses are causing much problems; I have many unfinished businesses of experiences; families and houses and schooling and First loves and best friends and childhood and teenage years and undeveloped worked history and undeveloped childhood and undeveloped teen years and no developed years in my 20's or 30's... No money ever accept what the state gave me to eat on. And no functioning.
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My brain collapsed; my soul collapsed; nervous system being over ridd'n to many times until it wore out prematurely from trauma.
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In desperation; looking for anyone that would help; unfortunately; the only people that show'd up were psychopaths masquerading as people. I was that much worse after being led on toy'd and destroyed by them
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Most of the trauma work Im working on undoing with Gods help is; ( pause); Memories. ITs a past never realized and never finish or never actualized...
Its a life where bad people got involved and appeared to promise to help and build a future with me only to pull out the rug on me and watch me die and then quickly leave; laughing as they did... And thats all its been; That; lonelyness and silence; and for the beginning years; horrible fear terror levels of pain; PTSD rage and silence sadness with no hope. That is and has been all changing now! I seem to be getting my life back on all fronts; ITs really incredible. Its all God and recovery... However, in the beginning it was all therapists
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Now; Im slowly showing signs of working through some of these deep traumas to a point that other traumas are appearing that were buried.
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I seems that traumas that occured at age 14; were so bad; they were burring the ability to deal with traumas at 16 and 17, 18, 19, 15.
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Now that some of those traumas are being figured out from age 14; many of the traumas of 10th 11th 12th grade are appearing; immerging. Im starting to grow into dealing with those traumas and many of those later traumas stopped my ability to have a work ethic; to involve myself in connected work on a continuous basis... So; many things are slowly opening up... I could do nothing. I still cant do much. CPTSD...
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( God revealing everything)
As Ive worked on my first love issues and more truth about who that really was has surfaced and Ive dealt with it; suddenly Im much easier to approach or be near... Ive had several women near me lately; Ive noticed; im much more confident to look them in the eyes and talk to them and lately several have been interchanging with me; little things; touch or closeness or notes...and such... Ive noticed this change.
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I think as Im freed from the past from my First love; more n more; suddenly women are starting to come in; get closer and show up...
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Yesterday at a night meeting we are sitting at round table in a big church banquet room. I said to myself; I dont want to be alone; im going to go sit with all the women and men at this other table; thats not like me.. I did... It was interesting. first time ive felt this way since I was 14 years old. I was totally wanting to sit with the more solid group of people. Let me say tho; some of them were not nice. and at some point left. Whats important was my first move. That moment I felt confident and just walked over and sat with them and started talking to them and joking with them at a much more closed end situation; meaning up close and more friendly... Like being popular when I was 14; kind of...
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However, the reality is; keep working with a higher power until I find or attract the right people for that job... Some of the women I was sitting with; at some point think they are to good and I thought; Thats not the kind of people I want to sit with. I dont chase or change for this type of people; I go silent and let them pass by... If these types want to think Im weak; let them; stay silent until they leave or I leave.
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The universe is trying to make things happen...
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So; I want to keep working on this situation concerning my first love until she is gone... until I leave her and move on... That the universe has helped me discover who she really was; and move on from her. And its all ready happened and is all ready happening. its very strange all of this.
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The key; when Im better; is to get back on my feet and start interacting emotionally with others again and I will because the universe is restoring me. ITs strange; where their used to be a whole because my first love was not present with me. Their is still this weird emptiness ness awareness but its not; and Im not empty; I think its truly strange fear ghost feelings; Like. I should crack up and go nuts now; but Im not because Im with God and This young women doesnt own me anymore because of the crimes she did against me. Im not shutting up about the humiliation of all of it.
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The bigger picture;
I was abandon thrown away numerous times when young; each time having to move somewhere new. I did not know the neighborhoods and would step out in innocence; to be taken advantage of by bullies or people starting and grooming me in drugs or other bad influences. Or; thugs or worse; family systems I would visit where the whole family were sociopaths... And I never knew or understood. In the end; anyone who deals with them gets destroyed or ripped off. In one family case; this is what happened with meeting my first love. She was from another neighborhood; a neighborhood I did not understand in a new city. And thus I threw myself out there; only to be robbed and raped and murdered and destroyed in each new bad neighborhood I ventured into... I did not understand the rules of the neighborhood and I had no one to help me. No one to go to on how to handle things if I got wounded. I had no one; nothing and nowhere to go...
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In the case of my first love; Her father was a well known pathological liar who ripped people off in business; Built shotty buildings and construction work; dishonest liar and rip off artist... His wife was no different. There son was no different; he was exactly the same; and non had any conscious about what they did to other people; using people grooming them leading them on and ripping them off. For some strange reason; I was going to save the girl in the family from that bad family. What I didn't realize; she was worse then all the rest of them. I never took the time to check that out; I was naive. and in the end I will be completely mentally dismantled and destroyed for it.
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I cringe now; when I think of her getting physically to close to me in my memories because she is a fake who never liked me; she is a predator ; because it was all slick smooth grooming and manipulation to maneuver me into a position where I would be set up and slaughtered.
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I went through numerous new living situations where I was either bullied or forgotten or fooled and in bad neighborhoods of people who continued to take advantage of me. My first love was just one of those families and one of various neighborhoods.
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I got to the point that I could no longer function as a human being because of the deep wounding from trauma. Finally I wasn't present anymore; I was destroyed... it seemed permanently. later put on social security and here I am now.
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So for the first time Im starting to get better in these specific realms of that time period... 14-19; that kind of thing; lots of horror and violent thrusts and bad things and violations as such happened. And Im humiliated and disfigured in my personality. And so Im starting to talk about it more...
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Im remembering 10th grade and 11th grade... And the end of 9th grade... I think my original beginning in those places appeared solid at first; lasted about 5 months and then everything went under. I had no support; so I will fizzle out quickly.
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As I continue to work through stuff and get better; I notice many good changes slowly occurring for me in the present. Its a small movement; I dont want to make to big a deal about it. but I do; because its an opening into my later years of trauma and if I can get a grasp on those; and start opening up all that stuff; Ill start to get a bit freer...
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THe bottom line from First Love is; She was no First Love; She was from a house of pathological liars and sociopaths and opportunistic pathological thieves. Because I did not understand the new neighborhood I was in and because of severe trauma and the pressure and stress of being so young lonely lost confused and thrown away; I found myself in bad unknown situation with people I knew nothing about and in many cases I was naive and CPTSD bound relieving my childhood because I could not accept the horror of being stripped away from my home and childhood.
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Unfortunately; I ended up around pathological thieves and liars like this girl( First Love) and her family. In the present with Gods help; With out knowing the situation of those people. I judged with evidence very easily that the mother and father of this girl were well known charlatans in the area. THey had much money; but their building practices were well known to be corrupt... THe Son also had a reputation for pathologically setting up women; He would smooth talk them; groom them; act all roles that would lead to a personal intimacy and closeness almost acting as a best friend or soulmate; he was charming and I suppose women found me attractive. He had many women as I remember; but he would pathologically set them on a course that they believe they had found their life soulmate in him; and personal best friend in him; of the greatest trust even leading to believe they had a future with him... And he would play every role to guarantee it; Suddenly without warning when the women had all defenses down and had no reason to believe anything was wrong; he would pathologically dump them... hard; brutally; and treat them as if they mattered not; as if they werew garbage to be dumped at a dump site; no remorse! Im sure he psychologically injured many people at a serious level; This family of criminals did much great harm to the community. I had a brother get involved with him concerning work; My brother and him were friends. My brother did work for him over a summers period; and shockingly He never paid my brother for months of work. His family had the money; He never paid him; he ripped him off... Same kind of thing. ( They had no concious)I remember my brother telling me. And there it is; that kind of unsavory people; bordering on criminal.
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Because of witnessing this family; I sermized the girl was not loved by anyone. And thus; I found my calling; to rescue her from this evil family and love her for ever. However, Because I was naive and did not know these people or this neighborhood or reputations; I had just walked into a trap. THe girl turned out to be worse then everyone in the family... She was a pure sociopath... sadistic and intelligent.
Because; after I had fallen for her and thought of her as my best friend; I began to witness strange behavior from her. I recognized it; it was like watching my mother. My mother was a psychopath...
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I did not take the bait from this girl; it didnt work. I didnt get involved; almost; but I pulled back. And when I did; I saw a whole other side of a cube. Before this I saw one side of a cube; The nice innocent girl that seemed helpless and without love; almost like a soulmate. However, another side of the cube came out later; and that side was a full level aggressive opportunistic sociopath; She very much resembled her brothers behavior. IT was very weird; it was like; She could never see me again and could care less. I just didnt know what was going on around me above me below me to the sides of me....
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I had walked into a trap; a trap that will get worse and get sprung. I didnt know what to do and had no one to tell. I was so ashamed and humiliated. I felt like I had been a fool to get involved; so much so I didnt want to tell anyone; I felt so alone and worthless. I felt like I was worth nothing; a laughed at fool; I couldn't even get a girlfriend without getting destroyed; thats how it felt at the time.
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It got worse; the girl finally show'd her colors; she had had no interest in me the whole time; she was setting me up; much like her brother set up victim; telling them or showing them or charming and grooming and convincing them he would marry them; only to dump them suddenly leave them destroyed suicidal and broken people... These victims of this guy had no defense against that full murderous attack on their emotions and conscious and their hearts... They were crippled Im assuming; psychologically.
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This girl did the same to me. She was fooling me the whole time. Later she will find the love of her life somewhere else. I was not even an after thought or remembered. Nothing; as if I was just an object of many; she set up and ruined( a victim). I was naive and without any defenses...
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So; the key is to remember that these type of monsters want to humiliate someone for the fun of it; and like all criminals they want to slam someone so deeply that person doesn't tell anyone out of shame; thus keeping it a secret. And with that; the criminal will then turn on the victim and completely bury everything as if it never happened leaving no trace and admitting nothing.
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So; Ive been telling my story at meeting for numerous months; all of it; Now; its getting closer to the truth about what really happened; I was completely taken; set up and faked out for the fun of it... By someone who absolutely had no interest in me at all. Nothing.
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These type of sociopaths will continue to do this to the general public until they are caught... caught by someone reporting them to the police... making a complaint to the district attorney's office.
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WHere am I at now.
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Im moving on; all ready moving on. Ill work with God to flesh out what ever is remaining of an interest in that FIRSt LOve. Unfortunately or fortunately; Not much left of interest to work with... Ive fairly exposed most of the truth about that person I think and what happened.
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So; its a weird lonely feelings and I have to learn to like myself in the face of these type of huge humiliations. Ill be OKE. ANd work with the universe.
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Im at this point where its about God and my future goals and thats all it is.
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ART WORK;
Im all ready seeing a possibility of a better work ethic now that Im getting more honest about my life experiences.
Our partner
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