July 2025
June 2025
What is Phase 2...
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Phase 2 came after Phase 1.
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Phase 1 started as the later time period of a Six year Siege. .
I had to change from the old me to the new me... I was asking women out; hitting on them; getting phone numbers and doing nothing.. I finally did not bother calling them or sleeping with them or anything. I just froze up. In many cases; this actually made the women feel rejected. That was not my goal; I just couldnt; I couldnt follow through. I just couldnt for a number of reasons. The main reason; I could not start a relationship with anyone because I was still a 13 year old inside; or 12 year old. I had no faced massive abuse or anxiety walls that move beyond boyhood... I had no one to face them with when young; and I got hit with massive problems when young; overwhelmed... I went into deep mental illness of a dissociative type... and never came out of it...
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6 years ago; I wanted to change; I listened to my higher power and people who could help; started to show up... and I began a arduous journey forward into the unowned to come back to being myself again...
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I knew the goal would be complete; what I was looking for; when in some fashion I could get over my first love. I had to get over many things but finally she would be the last great personality of my past to get over.
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I GOT OVER HER;
I lately; with Gods help; moved beyond her. Well; THats not perfectly over her; Its ruff and crude; but its done... it was not easy. It was a blinding journey; I had to close my eyes and use Gods eyes as God led me down a pathway of procedures... and thus; somehow and someways; she begin to be understood and thus removed from my heart and mind and body and nervous system and soul and my psychology.
I was co dependent on her memories so much; she turned into another personality within mine; I used it as stability so I would never be alone; she would always be with me whether I liked it or not. That is basically gone now... She has been uninstalled from my heart; and absorbed out of my mind and nervous system; that process is ongoing...
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I can see this young women was purposely setting me up to pull the rug out on me; to make me stumble so I would not be able to move forward in my life; she was trying to break my will. It was contempt... She wanted me to open my heart up to her and groom me; pull me in deeper and deeper until I was believing we would be together or something existed or grew between us; then suddenly leave... change back to her pathological real self laughing all the way to the bank; but these type of monsters are murder'rs; This is no game; they are out to rape and murder someone... ITs for keeps... They want to do as much damage to an innocent person as possible; Its a quick immediate thrill ride for the sociopath. They have no remorse; they are brutal lethal cut throats.
They are manipulative, dishonest, narcissistic, unremorseful, non-empathetic, and exploitative and many more things; basically the workings of a criminal. They see no value in someone. Nothing!
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She is gone... Who ever she was; may she rest in peace....
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I did love her; but there was no HER. Only a merroir of my own thoughts. The actual person was a psychopath... I realized I was 100 worth more then I was ever being treated by the person; in fact; it made no sense, it was so imbalanced.
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What does it mean that she is gone. Its kind of like having a cold that turns into an infection. One goes to the Dr...the clinic; they give anti biotics; 2 weeks later the infection is gone; One may still be coughing a bit; tired; anxious... running nose a bit; maybe sneezing still a bit; but no muscle behind it; no insidious infection.. Within a few days; everything's back to normal and that is where this situation with this girl is going. She was the infection that is now Gone. God is the anti- biotic. She is gone I will not call her history either; she is not history; she has vanished. She is not part of history; she simply isnt; period... Shes not part of anything anymore...
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It still hurts; I think its like having a missing arm. One can still feel the nerve endings where the arm was attached; the aching. But its a trick; no real arm exists anymore... My nerves still remember her; but she is not inside me anymore; in my body or mind or heart! God has removed her by my request... and my sincerity about having her removed. I really wanted her gone. I knew at the root level it was going to hurt; it still does and I still need to deal with those roots. Or; they are aching atho the teeth have been pulled.
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PHASE 2;
Working with God; phase 2 means the ability to be in touch with my feelings again and date again; This time working with God and imagining and meditation; and allowing a nice women to show up around me...
And Im now beginning to look at this goal; it is now possible; meaning the time... its a crude beginning. Im starting early.
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PHase 2; New Goals; What does it mean.
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The ability to focus on the present not the past because the past has been dealt with enough...
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MUSIC and ART;
This is the next phase of work; the bottle necks to creating and performing music and art. This is the next goal. Sexual abuse is playing a major problem for me in this area. And other things... Ill keep working with this... keeping me from being present to get involved.
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PHASE 2; Is about new goals; working through the present.
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I havent been in the present for along time... in fact; Its hardly ever been touched; Ive been working on everything else; resentments; mental illness; addictions years ago.. heart break. no hope. depression. no ability to work...
Now; Im in the present dealing with what is in front of me; so I have allot to forest through and clean up; getting the present back in order; hard work; terror and fear; more fear now then anything else; Im lazy; I mean; Ive not cared about anything for a long time. Im not good at this and Im not very smart in the real world. Im great in my fantasies; we will see; Im so slow. However, I can see that Ive dealt with enough stuff that Im present. it hurts; my mind is ruptured...
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A CASE ON DRUMMING: Concerning being dedicated to something...
Im not planning on being a drummer; Im to old; Id have a heart attack. However, I want to bring up a concept; the concept of dedication. Ive been saying lately how I was never able to be dedicated to anything after going through so much abuse and trauma. I no longer believed in anything. In doing anything; being a part of anything; I was in a complete freeze mode from then on.
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When I wanted to be a drummer when younger; I gave up very easily; I did not have any staying power. if someone didnt supply a practice room; I just threw in the towel and didnt care anymore.. I never fought for anything in my life; I no longer cared.. I didnt care about fighting for anything; what was the use.
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IF non of the drummers in the world didnt fight and be dedicated to their drumming; we would have never had drummers and would have missed out on all those talented expressions of rhythm and complexity.
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I want my ability back to sacrifice for something I believe in. I never had it; I had the concept when young; but was so beat down when I got a little older; I no longer was in touch with myself; I was separated from myself. more n more until I was so separated I could not function.
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Today; one of my main goals is to learn how to get up to speed with the things I like to do and sacrifice for them and see a future I want to build with them; no more negative associated with them.
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I love to get the ability to sacrifice back for myself for something I would love to do. To fight for something I like to do in order to keep it. I gave this up in the past because everything was choked out of me. No one cared...
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So; Ive got a whole world of growth to get into. Ive got a God to pray to; and goals to pray about. And Ill get started.
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Its uncomfortable. Ive got to learn how to work with God to make things happen now; in my life; see what it feels like...
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