July 2025
June 2025
Im at that point; The gap has closed; but its closed on a fiery pit I happen to be standing over; Its like thin ice on a cold winters day on the lake; I can look down and see the current of the water below me; its hazy but the ice is solid; but thin enough to see the water under the 9 inches of ice… Its solid but it aint 3 feet thick.. and I feel the cold coming up from the ice; I can almost feel the air moving from the current from under the water; is it real or imagined; does it matter; it still makes me feel thin and uneasy… However, Im next to the embankment of solid steal dirt ground… So; Im not sinking; but is ya never know; I really would like to get off this ice; but its only a foot step away to the solid embankment.
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NOTE: Ill have to ask God for all the people and places and things Ill need… They will have to appear..
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Im on the edge; an edge and condition getting more solid every day… I still have to get the blood and poison out of the inner shell of my self. The demons are not all gone; just trapped; They know their master has left… and they have nowhere to go. .
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I truly feel like Ive been consumed and taken over by the devil; like Ive been entrapped by Satan for a long long time. And now; Satan is no longer in charge anymore; but its still a fight to open me up to God; trust! And allow God to come in and clean things out; Ive been so sick; so mentally and spiritually sick.
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The Goal;
The goal is to move forward into development.
History; When in the 4th or 5th grade; I was just making the idea that I had to develop; I did not know how; I started in the backyard of my house; something I had been doing since I was born. But in my early grade school years; more n more; I would head to the backyard and play and start to developing. I had kids over or I would to go there homes and play and develop. However, as I became an older child; I needed or wanted more development and began to want to stress the idea of development. I wanted that new level of development that takes me into the next millennium; I was going from younger or middle child; developing into something else… something into the next level. It was the most important aspect of my life. ( and I remember being completely alone; meaning; no parents; nothing).
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Instead of developing; I was thrown away in the 5th grade by the family system I came from; we wont go into it; Ive mentioned it literally in most blogs Ive written on this site from the beginning of 2011 I think. And interestingly; it doesn’t seem like it was that long ago I started writing these blogs.
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So; Ive had to work through several horrible destroyed lives; having the universe go back into my closed lives opening them up; opened up those lives and childhoods and put life back into them and thus I remembered… and within the recovery process and the universe and success based thinking and lots of daily support; I worked through those lives and thus; Im back in a form of protected reality. Im now back to where I was in 5th grade spiritually speaking.. Im back at that frequency; This is a good thing; This is a very high level frequency; not smaller… Im back to a curiosity and spiritually working condition of interest in my life again.
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But now what?
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Im at this starting place; Its great that God has allowed me the privilege to be back at this place. Where do I start.
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WHERE DO I START:
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WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?
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Im ready to pray about it; start the process; What are the first steps of the prehistoric exhalation into my future.. ( Im not sure if exhalation is a the right word; it just sounds cool and still gives that Star squadron; Star Citizen video game feel to everything). Anyway; Im starting; The general goal is a foundation; but I might be light years away from that. I may start out drawing scribbly lines on a piece of paper that resembles a house or backyard or play field or foundation; or taking pieces of sand and throwing them in the air and watch where they land; thus natural building processes I have no control over. I have to learn to be safe. And it takes just doing random things in my-space to feel good that way; I don’t know. To step into the new me that develops; I may have to start way before throwing sand in the air or drawing a picture; I may have to go back to something prehistoric… Maybe putting rocks on rocks and building a rock fortress or cave entry. I might have to write stories about a foundation or draw it or create it in music; I don’t know… The universe will open everything up. I may have to play a few new video games to get the feel of starting over… . My body needs to feel the process and freedom of starting over. My body has to be involved in the freedom process of practice in safe spaces until I feel safe and solid again.
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I might have to build some plastic models to start over; I don’t know…
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I might have to visit a beach and play with the sand; I don’t know… Ill talk to God about all of this; How to pre start a pre start for the purpose of a pre start that creates the foundation of a pre start so I can pre start a foundation so I can finally naturally go down my pathway with God to create a beginning foundation or to develop the tools for such a thing; and then start… I don’t know; but Im going back way to the beginning of life; God is taking me way way way back to safe times as a child; all the way back to beginning origins…
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Beginning Origins;
Its hard; Its hard when I know that small child is going to be destroyed when he becomes an older child… and thrown away for good.
Its hard going back into life after being murdered.
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So; anyway; Im waiting; Ill be praying and working with God while this things starts going. I have no ideas; everything is in protect mode. I have no idea what direction God will take this; I know the walls will come down… I can kind of see where things are going sort of.
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I don’t know because unfortunately; I literally don’t know; I was never trained; I was destroyed when young before any of this took off…
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I had the personal idea of music and art and other physical skills to work with as development but Im afraid those are light years away. I think instead God will develop my maturity first and then more natural developments; more open developments; getting me more mature for the real world first; and I have no idea what this is… Im a bit scared to say the truth; Im a bit unnerved about it… ill nerved; or what ever! Im uneasy about it…
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I wanted to play a flute; learn how to play a flute and right a song; But I don’t think thats where God will start me. Maybe a coloring book or a video game; I don’t know. Ill pray about; right stories; Making snow angles in the snow at the park. I don’t know!
Building snow men or snow fortress. Who knows; I don’t know…
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Im still Leary of people; Im learning how to be over the raping of my soul from the past people in my past lives; ( How does anyone ever really know how to separate themselves from this kind of thing; horrible)Ive moved on from them but their demons still reside in me; they are not gone yet; They are trapped and don’t know what to do. God has taken over so Satan is getting an eviction notice and most go…
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A gap does reside between where Im at; right up to the edge of where I want to be; much preliminary work must be done to make my way down my lane.
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I feel like a gladiator who must go to gladiator school first before making my way into the arena; And I have no idea what a gladiator will do or the school or the arena… its down my pathway…
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However, I might just draw the experiences and not have to participate in them… meaning the gladiator experience; Since Im over qualified for that kind of survival as is…
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So…
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Relationships; Well; yes; However, very slow in development and slowly; one grain of sand at a time; with the right people God sends me. And I have to learn or understand who God is sending me and what they look like and act like and where I find them or meet them and they meet me. And this Im not ready for; Im to destroyed and murder’d for that just yet…
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Im not sure how to end this blog yet…
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So; Im a bit confused right now; I still need more recovery. I do get tired of going to the type of meetings I go to for recovery… Ill pray about where Im suppose to go; To many narcissists; its insane…
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As for my First Love; I shake my head in disbelief That any of this happened in the first place. The message from God is to continue to work on this until she is separated from me more n more until I can just call this a simple mistake during teen years of 2 strangers with nothing in common who unfortunately and mistakenly met. And then within my imagination see myself get out of there as fast as possible and move on within myself.. Having God take over and all of that going into the past… Im not there yet; it still hurts to much. Im just so shaken up from it… From these murder’rs…
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God has allowed me to know; God tried everything He could to get me out of there. Get me out of their house; away from that Sociopath… Everything… I finally; being destroyed; finally had gotten enough of the message and left… So; God was with me the whole time trying to protect me and get me out of there from the start…
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So; I really want this person out of my complete nervous system; and Ill work on for the remainder of my life if I have to… God will continue to get rid of her and replace her with something God like in its place… Something safe….
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MUSIC; I cant start with music. I thought I could; ridiculous! Its to much to start with music; to much trauma surrounding it. Im not sure what to do here; ive talked to God; but its been of no use; no movement! Maybe Im not suppose to be involved in music and art or creative writing… I don’t know; Ive been through all of this before…
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I never see safe places to practice or create or to perform.. Never see it in my head. I don’t know… Im not sure what to do! I do not know what God wants me to do… I don’t know…
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I assume what ever Im suppose to do; it is a very humble beginning of basic practicing things of some kind; I don’t know yet. But Im getting the idea thats one pebble at a time; and not much more then that. I have to learn to become willing.. And thats one pebble at a time in order to show that faithful in small things… and its true. I mean; Im suppose to start out with nothing for a good reason. And I will…
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Im still not done with this blog…
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I guess I just want to feel safe. I always wanted to be part of a big family or a great family and thought I was starting to to be thus; instead it was a death camp put on hold…
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Im still praying for that family; and ill keep doing so; but its hard after being what Ive been through so many times. Its hard to go back into that battle field called life where I could be ripped to pieces again; shattered; raped murdered and tortured over n over n over until Im not present anymore or capable of taking care of myself or sustaining my own life without state help… I have real terror concerning the outside world…
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The few people I opened up to in life were monsters and I was turned on and destroyed. So I made a big mistake concerning them and never saw it. So…. Ive trusted institutions and been taken advantage of numerous times…
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So; I don’t know who to trust; Ill work with God on all this stuff… I don’t know…
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Ill pray for the things I want…
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Still not done yet…
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The goal of the last several years was to come back to relationships and activities and Ive made great strives in contribution; I've had much help from many; However, at this point; Ive hit this round and Im not sure what the next level looks like… Im still trapped in many ways… So; Ill keep working with God. Im better but not done…
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