July 2025
June 2025
Ultimate findings from this blog working with God that is or has moved me on since writing it. The First Love was a Dangerous Sociopath with tendencies toward psychopathy and sadistic destructions to others and herself. I witnessed this; her harming destruction potential toward her self in a psychopathic manner; I witnessed her attempt at having me harmed; seriously harmed; Thus; harming herself harming others... No remorse; no concious; Zero conscious... Very Zero Remorse...
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What God has been showing me.
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1. When I pray to God and Im under Gods care; I began to come back to an aligned state and union with myself and the living on planet earth; I do not want to hurt anything at all; not that I really ever did; Not that I ever wanted to hurt anyone ever! I dont; I didnt! I just wanted to build my life in safety... and peace.
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2. This psychopath is dangerous; a very dangerous experience to get involved with; In many ways; they want to kill; and they will kill in any way they can... They will kill parts of another person if they can get ahold of them; money; sex; relationship; friendship; economic; spiritual; connections with the human race; reputation; everything... Very dangerous to ever associate with.
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3. A naive uneducated person in psychopathy; is in great danger ever associating with a sociopathic monster like this.
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4. I remember as I continued to be with this person and around this person; I began to lose myself; my identity; it began getting pulled apart at the seams.. Soon; I was developing characteristics like her. I was changing into her; evil; I began to go chase people down and use them; kind of like someone with no concious... But all of that will change quickly... For I will not feel right and soon will go back to God and forget this psychopath...
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5. The psychopath will get more inline with psychopathology as they age; They will become a truer psychopath with no barriers as time goes by...
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6. As I get better and more more let go; with the goal of dating new people; and moving on; I realize I was dealing with nothing more then a psychopath. And under God I can let go and get back to being a human being and dating and interacting and believing in being human again and dating human beings again... I can learn to take those chances and move on with my life. Yes; it is possible. Im living proof of the change; the change to be myself under the living God.....
I will continue to get better; and have a greater understanding that I was dealing with a psychopath that cannot have relationship and I will continue to learn how to love again and work with my higher power as I reach out to my recovery community to heal and learn how to function in life again; I plan to date again and fall in love again; but this time with the protection of GOd the recovery process and friends.
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Im getting very very close to being over this First love... and having the freedom to move on.
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heart rendering; thats what I call this phase of (Getting over my first Love).
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I am not over my First Love until Im over my First Love; That means; I no longer see her as a viable option for love or love and affection connection... or obsession or for love; to get love; to receive love to give love; to receive options from her; crumbs... as if maybe Ill be loved and Ill grab them from her and feel whole.
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If ever their is a subject of the core problem with love; or getting over someone; its right here; in this subject; The faithfulness and fierce loyalty for someone; the continued fantasy of that someone loved me and I somehow just missed the boat; Almost got the love train when it went by; just missed it by a second; almost made it to the train station but Im to late...
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Im caught up in this; Im caught in this from the deeper inner me; Im caught in a web. I would say a love web; But webs are created by spiders to kill insects. And thats whats going on here; Love was a spell ministered to render me useless. Unfortunately I took the bait. I took the bait from someone who was out to kill me and others; destroy us... Thats what this is; a destroyer...
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I was conned by a bored manipulator; I fell right into it; right into her path...
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I FELL FOR THE OLDEST TRICK ON EARTH....
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I was manipulated because I was dumb...
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The goal is to look at my part in this and work with God on it until I can wake up.
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IS THERE HOPE?
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I studied that the Narcissist entraps me in my own fierce loyalty. They create a kind of love bomb response that tricks me into believing Ive found my love; my true love; in other words; Ive been suckered. Ive been conned easily; to easily... So easily; Ill have to address more of this at a deeper level.
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NOTE; I have an advantage; actually have several; 1. I have recovery groups I can bring this to; openly... 2. I have God/Higher power/universe 3. Ive been through this before and was able to get over the other persons con lies... I had a best friend that fiend he was a loyal friend; when in reality; he was no friend.. He was a fake; faking the whole thing... I got over it; was able to see him for what he was. Now; I have to learn to see First Love for what they were.
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I HAVE TO SEE FIRST LOVE FOR WHAT THEY WERE>...
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Im not over First Love until I stop loving her! What does that mean; Well; this is where the control on my part exists; ownership; She is my object; kind of thing. She belongs to me; she was sent to earth to be mine...
I have to address all of this.
She was innocent and never loved by anyone; Thats what I thought...
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I had found a gem no one ever saw before... all of this is lies created by this person; but i dont want to see it; Im in denial.
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Im in Denial; So; this blog subject is not over until Im out of Denial. Until I see this snake for what they are...
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And it all seems present tense; and it is.. it is present tense because the damage is real and affecting me now.
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The love part of this has to be done with; it has to be addressed so I can move on and meet others to love...
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This is a whole hurting subject... This subject hits on vulnerability; As this narcissist played on someone's vulnerability ( meaning this first love played on my vulnerability).
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My self worth got caught up in this person... If I could save her I would be whole again and somebody... Im caught in this brainwashing; trauma bonding...
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Again; Im not done with this person until I stop loving them; I purposely stop loving them when Im shown this whole things was a contrived lie. When I can successfully see this; Ill move break thought this.
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Ive done this before; This is not the first person Ive worked through. Altho snags are apparent concerning my dealings with getting over this person.
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I DONT WANT TO GET OVER THIS PERSON BUT I MUST:
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NOTE: One main problem; I was convinced by my own thinking this person needed me; needed my help. I WAS WRONG: THEY NEEDED NO ONE; Thus; one more set of thoughts to get straightened out...
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So; their is a part of me; the deeper innocent child that does not want to get over this person; I want to stay in the dream( Fantasy).
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However; I dont want to stay in Fantasies like this. The reason is; Im fare removed from the truth. I opened up to a monster or a female thug; and got used; played. Looking back; I refused to accept who this was. I tried to make this person out to be a nice girl and she thus; played into it completely; playing me completely.
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As I remember; she said she had had much experience with older guys or men; many of them before I met her.. She was not the nice person I made her out to be. Why would I be in denial about that? Maybe I needed someone to love; I needed that innocent style girl who lived up the street; the nice girl up the street. THIS WAS NOT IT! And Im mad about that and wont accept it.
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For some reason; Ive made her out to be my savior on a pedestal that was sent by God to take care of me; take care of the child in me; MOTHER MARY! When in reality; its just corrupt person on planet earth; and not one God sent.
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GOT SENT HER TO ME? Did God send this person 2 me. In all reality; I Doubt it! But Im having a hard time seeing it or rejecting it or accepting it.
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I FEEL LIKE IM SOMEBODY WHEN I WAS WITH HER; BETTER THEN OTHERS IF I THINK SHE IS WITH ME: SHE IS MINE: IM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER... IF I feel Im in a relationship with her; its like winning the lottery; Look at me; look who in society likes me! Ive made it big.
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Well; Now; Im getting somewhere. A piece of me thinks Im better then others if Im in a relationship with her; if im in a relationship with her; I got it made; Ive made it; Im somebody...
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And Im afraid this creep saw this and used it against me... Im still not over this; or her or dealing with the concept of this; that Im now completely because Im in a relationship with this person.
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So; Believing Im in a relationship with person is where the power is. If Im not in a relationship with this person; it means Im some stupid less then punk that never made it girls-like-life... I gut set up and used...
If I can believe I was in a relationship with her; then Im somebody; if I cant; Im nobody; I go back to being a Napoleon Dynamite... Not even that. I go back to being an unprotected nobody.
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So; being in a relationship with this person means I made it; Im in; Im socially in; Im secure; Im in; while lots of people are out. Ive made it; Ive made it to the Swim n tennis club crowd; Protection...
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Im special; I made it to a place I can develop and practice... And somehow Im so special I get to have this while others dont.. Or I simply get to have this... its special because Im special. So; it shows the universe is working on myside to save me and rescue me and save me...
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And; at a deep hidden level; Im saving her; I have someone to save and love; because at a deep level Im admired for this by this person; She sees me for the Hero I am and Admires me and thus; I am that Hero I always thought I was... and finally someone has discovered this...
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The problem with all this; This person is a Killer; They are playing for keeps; they are really Playing me in the real world; leading me on in the real world where their are real consequences; this is not just a TV show... Im playing around in the real world with real thug type people and Im going to get the insides of me raped out of me and Ill be destroyed; But I dont seem to understand this...
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A STORY:
So; I remember the story of 2 young women who went to a party; Teenagers; They went to a party with thugs... Gang members... This was numerous years back in my local state... Something like that. Or a story on TV..
They got raped. They had no idea that was going to happen to them; they were innocent and had no idea what they were doing. Later; they went to the police; unfortunately the thugs found out and well; found them and destroyed them... So; the girls died...They are dead; The Thugs are now on death row!
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What is the lesson here.
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Unfortunately; I got caught up in the same kind of thing. I think I tried to make a seasoned user of other people into some kind of innocent person for my own denial and fantasy purposes. I made a dangerous situation into something lite ( Im dissociating while writing this); Ive got some kind of real problem with not winning here. It was extremely important for me to win here; to have this person; to have something that was my own that no one could take from me... ( Ill talk to God about this). I think I could feel pride about it. Something I could feel good about; an accomplishment I could feel good about. Something very personal that proved I was somebody and could have something in life; that someone believed in me and I in them... That I had someone who looked up to me and cared about my feelings and the fact I was born. And that I was alive. Some one valued me for whom I am. But way more then that; Ive got power on earth to move and shake and live and be someone. Look at me; Im doing something; Im winning; Im alive and I shaking the world up... Im somebody. Ive got somebody... Im in! Im alive and connected again; Im not just a throw away and alone; someone loves me or has taken a chance on me.
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SOMEONE HAS TAKEN A CHANCE ON ME WHO IS JUST LIKE ME? And here is where the lie begins. For; there was no one like me. I was still all alone; This person was not alone or who I made them out to be. And that is where the Deinal on my part starts; I had to create a lie about this person. if I hadnt created a lie about this person; I would not be able to hide in them or secretly use them for my interests...
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In a sense; I used them for my interests and I got caught. I tried to make them into a damsel in destress; thus creating me into a thug master knight that would rescue them... The problem was; they never saw me that way in the first place; I was fooling myself.
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ITs not that I could or could not be that fantasy person I wanted to be; But I could not do it with them; they never gave permission for such a thing.. And I was manipulating them into it... Into playing that role that would help my undeveloped low self esteem... I was hoping they were sent from God to help me. THEY WERE NOT SENT BY GOD TO HELP ME!
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And I had a hard time walking away from it... I was wrong; I took a chance that God sent them to me; but the fantasy got busted up; ( Im dissociating while writing this because I cant accept the reality of this).
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This was not the fantasy I thought I was going to recieve; I was at the wrong address... I seem to have a hard time with this! Like Im entitled. ( And Im dissociating while writing this; Im having a hard time accepting this).
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WHATS IT LIKE TO HAVE A HARD TIME ACCEPTING SOMETHING:
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Here is an example of ego based denial...
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Imagine Im an older man ( Actually I am; very old now); Imagine Im an older man; And in my youth I attracted young women. Well; 40 years go by. Im in a room with many people and I see a table of young women. I walk over trying to act and be cool; I walk up to these young women with the idea of getting a girlfriend. I start talking to them; they are laughing; but not with me; At me. Im 5 times older them they; and simply based on this; they are not interested... They are making jokes about me and are laughing at me; This old man picking up young women; And to think I could just walk right up to them as if I was 16 years old again and pick up women... Someone is not living in reality. And that someone is me! Suddenly; realizing Im making a fool out of myself and they are laughing at me; I run out of the room embarrassed; I feel like a fool; How could I be the only one not to know. How could I not know that I could not just walk up to a group of women 5 times younger them me and hit on them... Im not who I thought I was. Im not who I thought I was in the eyes of others.... And we are assuming everyone is of legal age... Im just trying to make a point; I didnt actually find of table of young people and play the wave-drum-personality to impress them.
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The paragraph above has some truth in it.. Im suffering from that kind of reality denial. In this case; that someone girl I never met; that I could believe she liked me and I had a chance with her when I didnt... ( again; Im dissociating; Im having a hard time with this idea that I had no chance with this person).
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I DIDNT HAVE A CHANCE WITH HER;
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I never had a chance with this person; I was fooling myself. Why is it so important that I had a chance with this SPECIFIC PERSON; Im not sure; Ill have to look at what this person represented to me. ( Big dissociation on this concept that I didnt have a chance with this person that represented certain things to me; certain successes).
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I think this person defined who I am. If I could go out with her; date her and have her as a girlfriend; this would make me something someone.
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Now; Im slowly trying to learn how to move on from this or come back to reality on this; ( horrible dissociation on this one right now as I write this; denial).
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So; Im seeing allot of denial on this. Im not whom I thought I was.
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Iin reality I can hardly get next to women or tell them how I feel; Nothing; no experience and no experience dealing with women and my feelings and my feelings for them; No experience.
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NO EXPERIENCE WITH WOMEN>
IS it possible that by being with this girl when young; this would have proven I got through my in experience with women and I won; I beat the dragon and made it through my man hood test; maybe!
It meant so much to me that she wanted to help me and take care of me especially in this area where I was broken down.
but in reality; this was a snake who did not want to help anyone; and was not planning on help me or anyone else. This was the wrong person to take these decent problems to.
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THIS WAS THE WRONG PERSON TO TAKEN MY DECENT PROBLEMS TO>..
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And Im starting to see this; I was a decent person who needed safe nice decent people around me that wanted to help me develop. Unfortunately I did not find that.
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I WANTED TO HELP HER BE A DECENT PERSON: JUMP SHIP AND JOIN ME IN DECENT LAND> IT NEVER HAPPENED: INSTEAD: I WAS MURDERED>
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So; Hang out with a murderer; and I get murdered; and nothing else.
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I went to a murderer and I was murdered; And all of that is to much for me; to much for me to handle...
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I wanted to help her. I was way over my head; this person did not ask for help nor needed my help nor was broken. I was the one broken and Im starting to see that I was a decent person who needed to be around decent safe people and this is probably the biggest problem... I was not around nice decent people. I found myself around bad people and got destroyed.
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DENIAL: DENIAL THIS WAS A NICE PERSON WHO COULD BE TURNED AROUND IF THEY WERE LOVED ENOUGH...
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FOr my fantasy to work; this person had to be like me; a nice broken person who was sensitive and needed to be loved; But that was not the reality of it; this was not a broken or nice person and never had been... Im having a hard time seeing this person for the THUG they are. For the dangerous murderer rapist they are!
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Im just barely starting to allow the truth to seep in. ( Im starting to dissociate again because I want to accept this monster creepo fro what they were). I want to accept that I made a big big mistake ever leaving my room of my house and going outside that would find me in neighborhoods I did not know around people I had no idea were safe or not safe! Ridiculous...
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NEXT ISSUE: NEXT BLOG: Belligerence; Through loss and being forced; I slowly started to pull away from all things when young; rebelling against all things; until slowly dropped out of all things. Now; I would like to stop all that and learn to work with God and be safe and slowly move back into what it will take to get the things in society I want! Ill work with God on all this.
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