July 2025
June 2025
What is the Phase serious; The purpose
1. Girlfriend
2. Playing my created music live
3. Transportation answers; A car?
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I am a bit concerned; Im not sure how long any of this will take; I am making progress on all fronts...
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1. More n more the universe is showing me where I can start performing my music if I want to. All I have to do is create and memorize the music... So; new avenues showing up. I would say; no ego on this one. Its humble beginnings...
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2. Girlfriend; Well; To get back to normal and up to speed may take a bit a work...
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Where am I on this subject; With Gods help; I understand what happened to me when young; its tragic and unfortunate but basically im over it. So; God has brought me back; Back to what? All the way back to where I started from; to a 2nd grader in grade school; is that good; YEs/No! Fantastic; However; Its humbling; I never got anywhere in my life relationionally; but I get to do it over; through all the tragic experiences; God simply brought me back to the beginning of my life; to the beginning; something many would envy. I have healed in this stuff to a point; or most of it maybe; is that true; Well yes! But I have no maturity or experience then an 8 year old when it comes to relationships; meaning; its as if Ive never started and I certainly have never had any meaningful emotional relationships as an adult or any other time in my life; nor would I know how... I haven't done it before. And; Im in one piece; Im OKE; Im in a good position to tell you about it; meaning; Im getting stronger...
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In the past I got destroyed because no one was looking out for me; I meandered off the trail of safety while in the forest; No one to help me; I was innocent and naive and unfortunately; what I found were wolves in sheeps clothing and I was slaughtered.. And I would have never come out of it; but I started in the recovery process and with Gods help and recovery and support I am now back; I came out of it; However; back to what?; to an adult beginning state; NO! I was never an adult. God brought me back to a small child level; and now with Gods help; I have to learn how to go from here... My emotional age is 18; However; many areas of my life are non developed.
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I do not want to make the same mistakes I made when young; I get to do this again. However; Im scared and nervous... I do not want to encounter the monsters I met and was ran over and manipulated by when young. I did not know what to do or what they were; I was innocent and had no idea what was going on.
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So; I work with God this time and stay on the God pathway and let God manifest the right people and I work with GOd to understand what that means and how it works and at what level.
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CAR: What does this mean; It means I create a narrative I believe; Im up to speed and willing to want and make happen. Im not there yet; not that mature; or up to speed at that level; its to much reality; and brings up to much pain from the past; Ill get their; I can see movement slowly; It will be a while; Ill keep writing new stories of having my own car and Ill start there... It will be awhile...
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The rest of the blog;
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The idea here; Im slowly connecting and getting in touch with the idea of; marriage house; car; money; career job; schooling and schooling direction; family children town neighborhood vacation and so on... regular adult life; Hobbies; organizations I belong to. Normal adult life... or normal life.. back connected into society; that's where my focus and mind are going.
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Im slowly making my way back into these ideas of life; society. Im very lucky to be able to climb back into any of this on my own decision; I was gone and long ago never to return.
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Im working with God down God pathways... Thats the direction Im interested in manifesting...
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learning how to use my imagination and assume what I want until it shows up; learning to be in that other place in my imagination until I actually find it happening in the real world; and their it is; that is my work.
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I have allot of scarring and emotional blogs and rupturing in my nervous system that keeps me from taking chances in these areas and letting go.
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In addition; I have to learn how to be in new relationships; for this is the truest sign of letting go of what relationships I thought I was in when young; the delusions have to be broken apart so I can come through and live again... ANd I can live again if I continue to work on strengthening my pathway for life.
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Altho Ive created lots of stepped pathways in my imagination toward different things of my interests in my imagination; Im starting to create a strait line called God line ( down the God pathway); It leads to the end of my life; and from it; I branch off all the different things I want to do down that God line... I might have things in some specific order; girlfriend; best friend; money; car; vacation; house; then marriage to girlfriend kids families; relativies, helping the community; higher education of interests; hobbies; houses... and so on; All of it stemming down one line. And thus; I can practice in my imagination; I can practice seeing myself take steps down that god line all the way to the end; I can see myself stepping down that God line and stepping off onto a branch and imagining Im creating that new family or house or in that car to a vacation destination or making that new painting and selling it... And many other things. I can create a branch for it; see myself in my imagination; stepping off onto that branch and creating that situation I wanted to be part of; creating it in my imagination. When done; I step back down the branch onto the main God line and keep going; keep stepping forward on it until I find another branch I want to explore and create; and so on... all in my imagination or on paper in writing stories about all this as if its already happened and drawing it out on paper like a painting of the story.....
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NOTE: From Childhood to Adult. Im having a bit of a change problem... As a victim; I saw myself always as the child that used to live or have things or was stripped of things.. The issue is; As a child; someone else was always taking care of me; Not Me! So; Today; I want to visualize Im in command; Im driving the car; I have the girlfriend in the seat next to me; the front seat. Its my house in my imagination... Im on the job in my imagination or playing the piano in front of others. One huge problem Im seeing; a need to be taken care of in my imagination. Thus I want to re create parents or someone else or helpers taking care of me because I always remember being a kid; but at that same time I have to be the one driving the bus; not someone else for Im attempting to see myself as an adult.
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For example; I see myself going to the lake; I went to the lake as a kid; but parents were always driving. Today; I want to myself going to the lake; but Im driving; and my mind is having a hard time seeing myself in the adult role.
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This is causing another set of problems; because I have to re create myself as a child; for the longest time; I saw myself riding my own bike all over the place; mountain bike; but I never saw myself driving anywhere because driving was the beginning of an adult thing. Being in relationships is an adult thing; I thought; If Im in a relationship; Ill be choking out the memories of my past child life and experience Im trying to get back. Now; I know better; I mean; I can create pathways and stepways from my childhood through the bottleneck into my teen years and adult years; I can create this in my imagination and learn to strengthen my childhood years and teen years that will move into my adult years. Its scary for me; all of this.
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NOTE: I lost so much of my childhood and teen years being forced into new situations against my will. Ruptured to let go of what I had in the present; over n over n over n over; I could not move anymore; could not budge forward anymore... because I could not take the fear of losing anymore things in the present. Now; I have to learn how to move forward from my childhood and teen years into adulthood; I want to; its my choice... Ive regained lots of stuff from my childhood within the recovery process.
And Ive lost fake people and places and things that never counted from the past where I was being fooled by bad people... So; Im in a fairly good position to learn how to move forward... Its still hard...
However; I want to learn to see myself in relationships and in my own house and own car and own yard and own life. I want to see myself as an adult in my own backyard; Not some backyard of my past I never owned and cant control where I can be kicked out of and never be a part of ever again.
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IN THE MIDDLE:
Im in the middle of this thing... of this transition from stuck in fantasy to a healthy movement forward down the road; Down the road to the middle of this transformation. Im thinking a few months and I ll be at a much stronger venue for this.
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A Bottleneck occurs between the middle grounds of my past life and coming into adulthood... A weak link in the chain occurs. And Im slowly rebuilding that weak link. That Weak-link used to allow me to float away into never never land and never come back; I want that to change.
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This will take allot of work to work through this bottleneck and get to the other side; Just reworking this area will take much time and strength for this area; this beginning and middle part of the God line must be strengthened first; 6 months? I dont know! Ill be at it for a long time until its strong enough and I have enough faith to know yesterday is gone and cant hurt me. ANd this line is my God line and its here to stay; its new but its a resurgence of what I was wanting to be created when I was a boy.
Im basically getting intouch with whom I am as a boy; getting to know those values; strengthening them for the first time; ( THeyve been dissociated from reality); strengthening them so they will withstand reality and thus I become that person Ive always wanted to be and go from there. But; for that person to be strong enough to withstand reality; this will take much work; I mean it; to go from protected fantasy to reality in this specific area; this is going to trigger many things from my past that are gone; and it will take much work for me to feel OKE in reality again; much work!
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NOTE: I have to become the adult; its important that I go from child to adult; Instead of being in the back seat; seeing myself in the backseat of the car as a kid going to the lake; I also Now; need to see myself as the adult driving my own truck to the lake with a successful emotional relationship with a women sitting next to me in the truck as I go to the lake.
For the longest time; I was afraid to move from childhood because it has been stripped from me so many times. Part of me kept telling me not to give up my childhood; dont become an adult so I could learn to get my childhood back and live as a child again and be free. However; at some point Ive got to see myself in the present as an adult; because in reality at this point; someone's got to drive the truck to the lake; and the safest bet will be me driving it. So; Im going through that transition.
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IM TIRED IM EXHAUSTED: IVE DONE SO MUCH WORK!
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I cant expect or want to expect anymore accomplishments; Ive made several big accomplishments and Im so tired right now; tired of processing my past life. I still have much to accomplish and that bigger break through Im wanting to work on; but not right now; Im to tired...!
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I can hardly start a new video game. I was looking at my video games; I wanted to start a new turned based 4x; but Im so burnt right now; Which one? I mean; I want something made for a 3rd grader... something easy.. Something I can just start... Not to big a tutorial; I picked any easy XCom... A few basic games exist of the starter persuasion; Ill work with one of those... Maybe a basic war thunder 40000... I tried Civ 5; Just didnt feel like it... Ive ran through a few lately and pulled the plug on them; Im OKE; I just wanted to get started with them and move on to something else; but Im so tired...
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Im so tired I have to just let myself strengthen my pathway back to being present in reality; It will take months.
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Weirdos; stockers at meetings; this does not help... psychopaths at meetings. Anyone is welcome... I have a tendency to open up and sometimes weirdos want to get close to me... the wrong people.... A room with open door policy; that is what happens sometimes... Anyway... A lot of people know me... I go to all kinds of fellowships and Im at 3 meetings a day; for like half my life now!
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THE KEY TO MY FREEDOM NOW WILL GO INTO SOCIAL: IM RIGHT WHERE IM SUPPOSED TO BE...
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I remember going to peoples homes when young; thinking God sent them to be helpers; I needed complete development and help. THey were not helpers; non of them. They never came to me; I went to them. They turned out to be Jackals; and I was eaten alive...
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I needed help when young; not jackals;
This is what I needed when young; I needed all the help I could get; help to get back on my feet again and feel like I was safe and part of something. Im shocked at some of the people I allowed into my life that were not helpers; they were vampires using me... I never knew... I went to these people for help. I just assumed they liked me and wanted to help; I was wrong! TOday; it doesnt matter; Ive got other places I can go with groups of people like myself that will help... or at least accept us as we are. And Im invited...
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Now; At Least in some places; some meetings of broken people; I can start over socially because Im not alone. Im with others that are broken as well. Ive learned to get honest about my brokenness and lack of maturity.
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I have no social recovery dealing plainly with others close up;
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Thus; This means Ill be working on goals; well groomed; go outside and learn to deal with people one on one regardless of where Im at... I accept and like myself. And learn to deal with people one on one.. Ill start in my imagination and let it manifest under Gods care...
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Im just starting to imagine I take a few steps forward in my imagined world; the world I want to live in. When I say steps; I mean; real steps. Ive been creating allot of steps in my imagination from point A to point B. However; the type of steps Im talking about are real; altho in my imagination. For example; Im at a vacation spot; and I see myself taking steps from one cabin to another; and it has a real quality to it. A down to earth quality; In this scenario Im a middle class normal guy. Im out in the public like everyone else and I have to learn to like myself and stand up for myself and I have my dreams like everyone else.
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I remember in my neighborhood as a boy; and that is where GOd it taking me; to become what I originally was going to become.
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I was sitting next to someone tonight in the recovery meeting and I was listening to them and talking in my turn. ANd I realized I was right where I was suppose to be under GOd kingdom.
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Everything that is happening to me is because of God!
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THe new work I will slowly move into will teach me 2 things. First; how to manifest my dreams and secondly; how to be a neighborhood boy again. How to be that normalized social person that helps others and is in the middle of society! TO become a social human being again...
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I will be learning how to be a person around others again; value myself again.... in the now; in the present... Feeling good about myself regardless of who I meet.
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If I want something from God; I will learn how to manifest it an stick to it like everyone else that wants something in life; Ill have to work at it and learn to believe.
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So; Im now moving into the social areas I wanted to manifest years ago; I have no idea how this will start accept it will start in my imagination. I will imagine Im the person I always wanted to be...
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NOTE: Becoming an adult! THats what all of this is about; for the present; my best bet is to become an adult in the present and take responsibility for what I want; learn how to do this on all fronts; thats my best bet for survival; working with a higher power to become an adult on all fronts.
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