July 2025
June 2025
My Life is turning into a movie character;
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Nothing could describe my life more then the character Napoleon Dynamite; From the movie; Napoleon Dynamite...
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In the recovery process; to be at the level of Napoleon Dynamite; is quite an official achievement;
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In the movie Napoleon Dynamite; Napoleon is a miss stepped goofy high school kid with 2 left feet in a state of transforming confusion. He comes from a dysfunctional family background where a Grandma brother and uncle share his similar struggle for basic purpose assembly in life; They cant seem to put a life together; And all three have checked out of reality through dominated imature emposing life choices. However; at the end of the movie; it maybe they are just living their unpopular lives within their own rules and dont care what others think. They are screamingly unpopular people; but they do seem to live their lives and dont care to answer to anyone else for it.. Each attempts to build their needs through social interest of achievement; they attempt very low levels of "Going after their dreams". And in many cases; they are successful; Certainly is not the kind of tractor most would ride home from the farm store; but they do prove life can be fulfilling if one doesn't give up or give in to conformity. The movie watcher will not want to admit; but must; that these people; at a covert basic level are successful in some respects; they are admitting some forms of dis uniformity at life; and are willing to attempt something new to transform their lives... or they show that after getting hit in the head with the football to many times; they finally wake up that maybe they have a problem that needs to be addressed. And in this movie; they either admit they have a problem or they are taking action to remedy the problem; altho at funny strange immature goofy attempted levels.
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Napoleon is the kind of guy the regular class mate and the rest of the world will not give much of a chance to succeed as Napoleon is not exactly the epidrome of confidendent popularity. However; through the movie; one must admit; to the outside world; he does have a lot of staying power to continually apply for the achievement for a desire on planet earth; Altho hes got his basic high school problems; He takes chances; He asked others for help; He learns to form relationships; He attempts to make friends and succeeds at some levels; and Napoleon and his friends work together to attempt to reach reach out to create better bonding relationships through regulated chance taking; and he has moderate success at times; and at times; Alas; connection is a disappointed struggle; But he and his friends never give up. In fact; altho for the movie watcher; it is a pain watching as Napoleon's life antennas continue the dance of dysfunction at collecting correct informed procedure's that would guide him down safe pathways that flow to successful life conclusions. Still; he never gives up. He is always happy to believe he should try to succeed as no one owes him anything; He appears to be well grounded; altho the movie attempts to side chain this information to a darker hidden-slight-of-hand-position; a sidelined chair of quiet information silently sitting if ever the viewer wants to look at it; no attraction is further mentioned for that action; but the viewer will seek this information out before the movie is over if they want the deeper alternative of the movie.
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Altho Napoleon must work hard to overcome many things; He will keep trying; athlo in an off-the-shelf goofy manner that for some reason attracts him as the Hero underdog compelling the viewer to see him as to become the winner of the story.
He seems to have life energy to continue to live-and keep-at-it and not take on to many of lifes ressentiments. He doesnt spend his time hating anyone.. And he is actually building relationships; or holds the ability to have basic relationships in a healthy manner; meaning; the cereal box he enjoys eating from might not be everyone's popular choice; but the contents are still good for ya... He is having success...
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Napoleon doesnt look like the kind of guy that will ever get a girlfriend or hangout with one; or ever hang out with someone popular... ever get good grades; ever get along with his family; ever gain the respect of anyone; ever do well at a job... and never be able to start a hobby and be good at it. However; In the movie; in covert ways; He does try all these things; and at a quite distilling disturbing permission; in the corner of the universe; it seems; something in favor is building; It looks like Napoleon as been working at things and a small collection of boring colored accomplishments are forming into a pile of collective achievement. Napoleon does succeed to make friends; attract girls and manage a relationship with them; aspiring friends do come back to him; so he is creating a basic attraction; He attempts to work within his family structure and holds his own and at times fights to hold his own; thus; he does seem to care about things; life things; He manages to find others that look up to him and care about what happens to him; With permission of his friends; He has create a little tribe of marry banded troubadours of innocent milevelence; his tribe; His friends tribe; and he is the ring leader or circus leader; However one wills to look at him. Either way; he is creating his own world and helping others create theirs.
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This covert collective achievement Napoleon is building from his half hazard goofy attempts at popular attentive High school life connection; This ability to create connections on such low brained voltaged tilted road maps; road maps created through hope; that altho tilting to fall of the table; he never losses the grip from; Napoleon seems to have an inner ability or soul-glow to never give up. In the end; it may be Napoleon that allows many other goofy attempters at life to jump into the video game of life Hes directing; so they can play along as well... Napoleon; in his unconsciousness seems to be holding the cards for many other players success in this life game.. He ends up a very important player; His attempts at life; He influences many unnamed players to come forward for a chance to play in this low voltage video game experience.
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Whats not mentioned in the movie; He seems to have a direct connection to GOd/Universe; In reality; he believes wholeheartedly in God; he must; or he would never have the connections to continue such a ruff emotional trying life style...
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His High School years are goofy and ruff; and theirs no indication of where hes gaining the spiritual power to continue. He is getting his power similar to where Jesus was getting his power; Strait up from Heaven; Altho non of this is mentioned at the basic levels in the movie. The smart movie gower at some point will acknowledged this fact and seek to find more of these hidden understandings in the movie; because for some; these deeper elements of understanding turn the movie into a gem to remember; and not just a stupid kids movie describing high school life in the 1980's.
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MY POINT FOR WRITING IS ESSAY!
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Im changing and coming into the real world slowly; Napoleon Dynamite was brought to me by GOd as a starting point of reference understanding and that Im not alone in the world; many people are like Napoleon Dynamite when they start out in life; and I am one of them as well. So; Ill learn what I can from Napoleon Dynamite..
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FIrst Love; As Ive gotten over this; I did work through this and technically moved on... God has shown me the area of pain and why its pain and where it came from.
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I thought she was my friend. I thought I had someone here that wanted to be friends. I thought I was building a friendship. I was building a friendship with this person that I apply other things to the friendship; later; I would add; more closeness and she would be a girlfriend; soulmate. ANd a wife... That was the idea.
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When I meet someone and that friendship seems perfect and I feel so comfortable around someone; I assumed they felt the same way; I assumed she would be my wife as I could talk to her about anything.
However; something more bizarre and sinister was going on.
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God has let me know; That what happened between me and this person is simple; I was a sensitive nice person looking for a nice person who was lovable that I could become friends with; someone who valued me and wanted to be friends with me. And if that was the right person; that friendship would grow and grow into new things; a girlfriend; a best friend; a soulmate a wife...
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However; God let me know; This person was not my friend; Thats what happened here; she was faking friendship; the whole time; the whole thing.
The problem as God has suggested it; SHE WAS EVIL! And their it is. SHE WAS A LIAR... Meaning; her personality in general... This was not a character flaw; this was her personality... Antisocial personality disorder like!
Anyway; Its that simple; She was Evil; and that stopped everything at some point and completely ended everything permanently.
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NOTE; Did I even establish a friendship with her? Most people; I do not have to; We know if we are friends. I never assumed someone would use something against me if they could; but she did. I must remember; she never came to me. I went to her. I thought for some reason; she was expecting me to show up; that she had heard about me from my brother; I was told as much; But her brother who brought me to the house; It could be that she was never told; She did not ask out of curiosity; whom I was! Her brother and my brother acted as if they were matchmaking; but they never told either of us the truth. She did not ask about me; Im not sure she was even told about me. I was a stranger who ended up at her house and took an interest in her. I did not know I was a stranger to her; I was led to KINDA believe she was expecting me. However; looking back at all this and that Her and her brother were both liars; and her Father a pathological liar and I assume her mother; It does not surprise me that she knew nothing about this; This means; I was a complete stranger who ended up in her front room; front of her at her house. I mean; That cant be a good thing; somewhat awkward. Worse then awkward. How would this make me look to someone; Im a complete stranger to some girl that never fashioned for me to meet her; standing in her living room staring at her. I mean; what would she think of me; She does not necessarily like me or find me cute or attracted to me. ( She sees nothing in me) ( has no interest in me). Im realizing she has no interest in meeting me. She is n Im not stupid; this in itself is enough to destroy my assumed relation standing of what I thought was going on between us... In fact; Nothing could have been going on between us... Nothing was established; but I was not aware nothing was established.
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NOTE: I never established a friendship with her. It was all in my heart and mind. I just assumed by body language that the potential was growing between us. When in fact; With this type of person; I would have had to have established a friendship to know what was going on. However; if she was with someone she liked; would SHE have to establish a friendship with that other person? probably not; she would have just went with it. She did not Go-With-IT with me. I think I came over to her house to often; and she was just trying to get rid of me. Looking back; the way she got rid of me was as if I liked her needilly; and I meant nothing to her; she was not interested at all. Nothing. If she wasn't interested; Why was I there.. That is the big serious question. I spent allot of time with someone who was not interested in me. Its very strange all of this; I had made a mistake; I ended up at the wrong address and didnt seem to have any sense about it... and just leave. Im not sure why I thought I could just roll in and take over; I mean... I didnt know her; it didnt work... Why would it work! Entitlement on my part. However; Im learning now; I had no experience dealing with women at any level; nothing; and had no mother. I still dont have any experience dealing with women. However; Now I know it; And I can work with the universe and start over correctly.
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More n more this is looking like its a mistaken relationship from all aspects; meaning; Im mistaking what is going on; I thought I was building of a relationship... When no real relationship is even established. I was with a complete stranger who had no interest in me. And thats how it will end.
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Did this person value friendships; I dont think so... But if I had been someone she liked; That may have been different; So I could say; My association with her had no value; and thus; I could have been around her for years and it would have meant nothing. She could always claim she never liked me to start with. Later; secretly to others she claimed she never liked me to start with. Why would I think anything otherwize...
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NOTE: Was this person sent by God to be my helper; NO! Then why did I think it might turn that direction; I help her; she is here to help me and she knows it? NO! Wrong Person.
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I felt comfortable around her; but then she could care less if she was around me; she didnt like me. So; it was easy for her to go along with it... She did play me falsely and didnt care... She was evil; so; it doesn't surprise me. I was aggressive about my love bombing or flirting; and she responded to it; but were the responses real? Looking back; as sickening as this is; maybe not; maybe everything was faked. This is not the first time an evil person has been on planet earth or faked me out when they wanted me to leave or wanted me gone.
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This will not be the first type of person like this I deal with. As much as this hurts to say; ITs possible and probable nothing was here from her point of view; never ever existed between us; Never existed; Instead; its possible to say; I was simply aggressive about going up and seeing her and calling her at times; but non of it meant anything to her; Non of it meant anything; maybe she was bored at the time and answered the phone or the door bell when I showed up... ANd it all meant nothing to her. It all meant nothing to her anyway. You dont see her around me now. When I stopped giving her attention or showing up around her; it all stopped.
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Im not looking to establish right or wrong by this person; Ive already done some of that; Instead Im trying to see things from her point of view that I could establish a credible reason why someone that made it clear later that I meant nothing to her; How all of this could come about that I thought a relationship was developing over months n months... How I some how fathomed she was my friend and turning into a best friend... ANd how or why I trusted her with fierce loyalty to be my future... Thus; she gave me nothing to the idea of looking at her with faithfulness or loyalty?
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I dont like to bring up the other side that she was a stuck up self centered narcissistic personality; only thinking of her self; However; if I had that part to it; a stuck up person who thought she was better then everyone especially me. With all this information it is easy to see this was nothing more then a stranger who was stuck up; who never invited me into her life; I came crashing through the door a few times; she never claimed to like me or be interested in me.
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Sure; this is completely immoral; but maybe she was immoral! Anyway; More n more its looking like I was in a completely and totalled situation where I made up a complete friendship and relationship in my head about someone when it never existed. What did exist was Absolutely nothing. I simply visited someone's house a few times who did not want me there and had no interest in me at all for any reason.. I mean nothing...
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No one wants my friendship;
I felt like my friendship was not even wanted by anyone... I had gone through this a few times; But Now I understand the people I tried to be friends with were evil; I was never dealing with a full deck in the first place; meaning the other people were not nice people; they were not only wrong choices; but mistaken choices. I was simply a nice naive person for some reason always making a mistake; a terrible mistake on who I chose to try to develop a friendship with. These people were not brought by God... I must remember that; but why didnt I know that. Well; suckers like me are born every minute; we let our guards down and end up around the wrong people; its as easy as that; once around the wrong people; those wrong people will take advantage of us as long as possible; as long as they can get away with it...
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NOTE: More n more; this is looking like its my problem; not hers; she is looking like a stranger who lives near me; and I was home-invading someone and she was dealing with a stranger every time he came over. Did I call her every time to come over; No! I came over after school or at other times; just showed up; knocked on the door. I never checked to see how she felt about me or what she felt about me. All of it was assumption.
So; more n more I have no base for believing any relationship was established here; that is what the evidence suggests. Next; No evidence that a friendship was ever established or thought of or that anyone ever suggested one existed. No one suggested I started one; and no one suggested their interest in one... Why did I think God was calling me in a direction; possible because I was deceived by her brother and mine...
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So; Now I work with God; and Im interested in making friends again in the present with new people; So; The idea is to pray first about it; Only allowing someone into my life that comes from that God Pathway; that is manifested from God... In other words; someone that is ethical; nice; moral; someone who believes in God; someone that is law abiding... Not someone immoral and lawless. No con artist evil people please; with no concious of any kind; I do not want this!
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So; Im now looking or asking God about new friends...
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I will create in my imagination the type of female friend Im interested in meeting... See I cant manifest something at some point and learn to have friends again.
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I have male friends; they are average normal people; they are not like the fake friends I had when young... THe fake friends I had when young were Evil! They were never my friends; they were lying; I was being used.
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I think that a normal friend is not perfect... THey are like 50/50% normal person... Looking for perfection in friendship is a mistake I think; because; for them to be perfect friends; they would have to be lying. And if they are lying to me; that means they are grooming or charming or manipulating for something... Lying... ANd I dont want that anymore...
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IN TO THE PRESENT:
WHERE DO I SIT NOW?
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So; I was at a meeting talking about all this; about friendships; mistakes; mistaken identity; and suddenly it hit me; My maturity; I thought; how old am I when dealing with women; experience with women; whats my emotional age; 17, 16. 27, 9?
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Suddenly It hit me as I backtracked through my life; When was the last time I acted normal; interacted with women face to face; Decided I liked her; called her and was myself; asked her out or wanted to spend time with her; told her I liked her... and went from there; telling her or letting her know who I really am. When? I looked back at my ages and a shocking realization hit; I thought my God Im only 9 when it comes to women; Suddenly that didnt work; OKE; 8! Im 8 years old emotionally when it comes to women; That didnt work. 7; Im 7 when it comes to dealing with relationships with women; 6 (pause) 5; (pause) 4; 3?(pause) 2; 1!!!! 0.......
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IT hit me; No age; no experience; Nothing! Zero.... Nothing... Have I ever been married? ( pause); NO!
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Suddenly the whole thing hit me; Pure dissociative disorder; everything in my head to protect me; my mind; Nothing in the outside world; Nothing... Not emotionally speaking; not relationally speaking.
No social skills dealing with normal everyday emotions where I start relationships dealing with women. That means being dressed and groomed correctly for society; being myself; meeting someone; talking to someone in a normal fashion... Slowly letting them get to know who I really am; where Im really at in society... calling them; going on social outings with them; slowly deciding if I like them or feel like I can be friends with them; becoming friends with them; spending time with them; dating them; girlfriend best friend soulmate; marriage... and so on... Normal normal normal.
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MY GOD! NO! Nothing... Never!
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NOTHING EVER! NOT LIKE ITS SUPPOSE TO BE: NEVER.
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SO; Working with GOd; thats where Im headed; to get back to normal with my own life.
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It hit me; What about work... NO; Just like correct dating that leads to marriage; NOTHING! No normal experiences... NOthing.
Cars; NO!
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Vacations; NO! Nothing in the adult or teen world; nothing normal; nothing leading to nothing; I become divergent; went into a psychotic state and dissociation and never returned... After childhood; I felt in childhood; I was a prolonged 5 year old.
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Im now learning about myself in the shock that Ive been in my own cocoon all my life; Ive had no experience at anything; running my own life doing my own thing; NO WOMEN; Nothing; Not the normal way; Nothing emotional; nothing! ANd never developed with a women normally from the beginning emotionally; nothing; meaning; thus; Nothing could ever develop to marriage; impossible.
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So; On all fronts; I see where the universe is taking me; the universe is taking me back to my original life to start over and actually live it; Thus; learn how to start at my beginning; Staying present to get there to the beginning and learn how to start it for the first time in the present being present in a correct fashion to learn about how to be about all these adult things.
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