July 2025
June 2025
So; The past is gone.
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The problem; Right in front of me; its rocky and I'm blind and cannot see...
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I've created a bridge but its treacherous... I'm going to practice walking over it and back a thousand times in my imagination. Hopefully that will smooth things out...
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Im about to go down to the local towns square and practice on paper; writing new stories about going over the bridge.
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PARENTS:
I have to ask God for new parents and friends that support me; want to support me; that its in their heart naturally to support me... From the universe.
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NOTE: I was at a meeting this noon; Some girl upset me with her weaponizing basic normal everyday behavior... This means; if I walk by her; she may lash out and say my name loudly giving a kind of virtual signal that their is an unsafe man predator coming in to close to her; I of course am just going to get coffee; I didnt even see her... THis nonsense upsets not only me but most of the men I know; but then its kind of the way things are now... Something like that... be in any proximity of this person or her friends and its a trap; Immoral behavior; but to them it seems absolutely normal; normal like sleeping with a married man and having his kid is normal; and supposedly its his fault and hes not co operating with taking care of the baby... This type of immorality are family killers... I get the impression this type of person Im talking about does not care and does not know any other way nor needs to...
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What does this mean to me; Stay away at all costs...
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So; Not fun... Not fun to be victimized... it triggered a lot of pain. ALlot of my past was triggered.
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I GIVE A DAMN....
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I didnt used to care about being alive. Now I do...
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Im setting goals just like a young person from a good family... Im old; but nothings changed; Im back inline... Im setting goals just like anyone else that wants to live and be alive... Im learning how to be alive.
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Im not learning how to want to be alive; Im past that. I am live I want to be alive; Now what.
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I have no past; now what. Im learning how to set bridges out in front of me from where Im at right now; bridges that go out into every direction of interest; Its all very painful and triggering... The bridges are over the ruptured parts of my nervous system and the actual walking areas are like live lava flows and army obstacle exercise courses. Very tuff gruelling seeming impossible at times; and so triggering... so much pain to walk through or walk over.
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I have to learn how to walk down these pathways over n over n over in front of me; over the past over the pain... Because my life is new. ITs very very hard stuff. I hurts so bad; I cant explain it...
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Its like; out in front of me 10 foot perimeter; nothing but triggered brutal pain in all directions and negative victim stories to go with it from old.
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NoTE: ITs like being raped n murdered; ANd I wake up alive and I have to learn to repeatedly walk right back over the top of being raped and murdered; and then unbelievably; go back out into the same world that killed me and go look for relationships; The same world I was destroyed in... So; none of this is easy... Its not.
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First goal of agenda; create bridges to walk over the dead; The dead part of me; keep walking over the top of it until an ingrained pathway has been created to the outside world; so I can start again; That is what Im working on now!
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I Give a Damn today when in my past life I did not!
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The fact I want; I want to be; I want things; I want a life back with everything on it. And Im learning how to define it. And at some point Ill have to learn how to fight for what I want and how to get it and keep it and appreciate it.
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Im now at the real starting gates beyond the past. Im in the very beginning of the brutal present. Thus; I have to make pathways out from myself in every angle forward in every direction; for a while... I have to create bridges I can walk freely over from where Im standing; in every direction...
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My dissociative disorder is trigger completely 1100% over n over n over every time I have to be reminded of being present up close to myself; its unbelievable pain. Really really bad...
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I GIVE A DAMN; And their it is; and now what do I do? Thats what Im working on; How to live; how to craft a life together...
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Ive got a whole life from scratch to figure out how to live; figure out how to work with the universe to make things happen.
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Im now at the real starting gates beyond the past. Im in the very beginning of the brutal present. Thus; I have to make pathways out from myself in every angle forward in every direction; for a while... I have to create bridges I can walk freely over from where Im standing; in every direction...
.
NoTE: ITs like being raped n murdered; ANd I wake up alive and I have to learn to repeatedly walk right back over the top of being raped and murdered; and then unbelievably; go back out into the same world that killed me and go look for relationships; The same world I was destroyed in... So; none of this is easy... Its not.
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First goal of agenda; create bridges to walk over the dead; The dead part of me; keep walking over the top of it until an ingrained pathway has been created to the outside world; so I can start again; That is what Im working on now!
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