July 2025
June 2025
So; Im changing; Im hoping God can and will continue to help me...
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First;
A new kind of History; its the same old history but with a more refined deeper present bent...
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Its nothing new; But Im new!
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Im looking for my mother; ages; 3 -13; Ages 6-12; Ages 5-8; ?????????? Something?
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At different times I reach out in the community to women when young; Young women my own age; They have no idea who I am or what Im suffering from or that Im even suffering. I have no idea who they are. They have no idea whom I am; WHere Im from; accept; if Im near their neighborhood; they can only guess Im at the same economic level they are... I guess; I mean; and I have been introduced.. Someone knows someone some how!
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Problems with meeting new people I know nothing about; I meet someone; a girl; when Im a boy; and I deep down I say to myself; " Mother; is that my mother; I need a mother; I want my mother"!
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So; I open myself up to her thinking she is my mother; and I will get loved; I will get a mothers love; However; what does she see? This girl Ive just met...
She sees a boy with lots of testosterone. She sees Im chasing her and flirting with her. She finally gives in and jumps on top of me for attention or lays back in my lap for attention; what does this mean?
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It means she sees me as a mature developing boy; probably with confidence heading into manhood; Just the opposite of who I am... At that point I freeze up; I say to myself; Self; " Why the Hell would this person thinking I fit into any category when they dont know me".?
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Later I will be stunned when I find the answer to the above question; tHe answer is; Im the one weird one; Im the one who is standing out as different; the girl is normal.. What does that mean; the girl is fit for her neighborhood; and should no know different; SHe is acting according to what she thinks a normal young man will act like or certainly one that would end up at her doorstep.
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What is the reality; The reality is; Im a completely different animal at that age; Im a broken young person destroyed looking for help.. I cannot interact with anyone; Ive had no interactions with my mother; their is no relationship. I cant function right or interact right with people. Im starved to death; I have no mother...
Does this girl have any clue of this; NO! NO CLUE: NOTHING!
Why would any human being be able to read someones soul or mind at this level; some complete stranger being able to read someone; Not possible...
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So; where does that leave the blame. ( AND IM LOOKING SPECIFICALLY FOR BLAME); I want to know whos responsable here! Well; Since this is my problem; Im completely responsable; the other person has no respond ability required; they are a perfect stranger. I seems odd or drastic that I would go to some strangers house and expect anything...
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So; knowing this; this tells me 2 things; #1; Ive got to do the continuing work to get the other person off the hook; they dont owe me anything and they are complete strangers.. #2; For me to get to the proper places to get the help I need and to leave the locals alone...
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So; Im now working on both these aspects; I have a history of finding women when I was young; some how trying to get to know them so they could be mother; the beginning years of my life; They could take over and be the mother for my beginning years of my life; interacting with me and loving me and doting over me the way a mother is supposed to... And Im habitual about this; or have been; In the end; No one played this role with me. At times; a few women thought I was someone else other then whom I am; Thus I was caught in the real imposter syndrome; Literally mistaken for someone else. I was mistaken for someone else; I was mistaken for someone way more mature then I was or successful or with a successful established family. I had non of these; was non of these. By the time I might have understood what was going on; it was way to late; the other person woke up to the reality of the situation and I was dismissed. And they never talked to me again... And this happened a few times. In other cases it never got that fare; the girls were never interested in the first place...
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I was destroyed doing this; dejected wholly rejected as a reject or as a drifter type; or loser or nobody; no where person; throw away! Unfortunately I learned over n over what it was like to deal with the NORMAL general public when I was considered s throw away; I was dismissed and austrizised as if I had never been born.
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So; Im now at that place to learn to keep processing these people that dismissed me; getting them out of my nervous system; giving them and myself a break. And moving on; getting the help I need; writing all past people off as basically the same; just people I visited for help; that were not trained or assigned in life to help someone like me with my problems.
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So; The next area is; How or where do I get the help to get all of that missed mothering love and interaction I did not get when young; I will be working with the universe on this. And the first thing I learn is; NOT FROM ANYONE LOCAL WOMEN I KNOW... This does keep popping in my head sometimes; but Ive been this this horrible ordeal. Im not going back to that. I had some strange idea that strangers out in the community were suppose to know how to help me; They do not! I wont be going through that again. However; I will be working with the universe on who has been assigned to help me... Ill keep working with the universe to see what group or agency shows up in my God pathway; I may be a spiritual teacher on youtube; something like that; someone that gives instructions...
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12 STEP GROUPS:
Now; its starting to make sense. In one aspect of my recovery; Ive been at these meeting for love and support to get up to speed on this subject; this subject of secretly needing a mother and the desperation to get closer to people for such a thing.
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Actually; I did not end up ever getting close to most people because I would put my defenses before I would allow anyone to get to close.
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THe meetings have not been easy; they have allowed me to work on myself enough to get this fare; to understand I need a mother experience in my life from the day I was born through my childhood years. Now; I will work with the universe on how this can be done..
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I am not a mature person; never have been.. Ive never been like that. I cant drive; Im 2 immature to care much about cars or having one. I do want the transportation but not that car; However; a car would be the most conceivable answer for what I'm looking for. I guess... Ill keep talking to God about it...
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So; the number 1 issue is this mother issue... And how GOd is going to fix this for me. The other issue is to get all past people out of my head; I thought they owed me something; they did not! THey were not my mother; I thought my mother owed me something; and Ill talk to God about it; certainly no one else does. And Im working on that... And its been a problem thinking someone in the community owes me something but that is become I thought I was a middle class person; but they didn't see it that way; they saw a throw away or a loser or a Hobo or a bum; that's all they saw; and when they found out I was desperate and had no one; They used this against me; it was easy to get rid of me... I was nothing to them because they saw me as a fake or " I was not a middle class boy from a nice family". I was shunned and thrown away. OKE...
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The point is; I have to learn to accept that is how people see me or saw me and those people are not my friends. They were perfect strangers and the last people on earth I should have dealt with and They should have never been forced to deal with me. I had nothing in common with them; who was I fooling!
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However; the problem remains. My inner child is looking for my mother to learn how to inner act with the world outside; to practice.
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A barrier exists between myself and the outside world...
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I tried when very young to branch out; unsuccessfully . It was like I was from an Alien planet. I needed agencies for help and to stay away from the general public of my country; dont go near them... tHey had nothing for me. I needed real help.. I still do.
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I have a gap; My inner child has no one to connect to; nothing... And I need help learning and trusting how to connect that inner child to the world...
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So; Ill pray about who these spiritual guided helpers will be; I dont know who the universe will send...
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Hopefully with enough work I can work through those of the past that I demanded were supposed to help me; when in reality they were strangers who knew nothing about me and would never relate to someone like me ever; and should have never been expected to...
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In these general communities within the public domain; People like me are like Aliens to them from another planet.. They are from the middle classes; I and from the trauma class.. Its like 2 different cultures within the same nation...
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So; I have to get over the past... And get help with this issue of my inner child seeking a mother; what a mother does for an inner child... Ill talk to God about this.
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Will I continue with the 12 step groups; Yes; but some how; Im hoping less n less or I gain help more n more from real established places specifically set up for the kind of help I need. The 12 step groups give me this kind of family orientational feelings; and after much time I feel like Ive come from a family. That does not mean all people in those places like me... Ive found that some people do like me. Some dont. Almost all women do not! That has been my assessment; it may be because I ignore all of them; they have nothing for me; nothing to offer me... Most violate my space so quickly I walk away or stay away from them. Ive watched Simps; Meaning weak men that have not woken up to what women are; or the women that are using them! THey have not woken up to what this society is doing do them... I am awake... A few women respect me now n then... not to many... But it really doesnt matter. THey are not the type I would to for safety in the first place.
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Refixing old relationships; Its my job to go back in time and conjure up old relationships within my imagination; create them new in my imagination; create them and this time have happy endings; this means I create appreciation for them and gratitude for them; to a point that I no longer need them; I walk away from them in a state much like when I met them; before I started turning things into hatred; Instead; I start at the beginning of the relationship; I stick with writing affirmations of gratitude and appreciate for them over n over n over until their is no more hatred; I no longer think anyone was suppose to carry me or take care of me; and no one owes me anything; Before I have expectations of anyone; I pull back and start writing gratitude lists concerning them and appreciation lists concerning them. I clean up the relationship and put it back to the beginning before I met them; and thus; I am finished; And at that time; I walk away; I walk away at the pinnacle of all good feelings... that is the plan; its a hard plan; it hurts bad; I can do it; I mean; Ill do it; it hurts; and makes me want to dissociate. Ill work at it and see where Im at with it.
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