July 2025
June 2025
Am I getting better; or have I simply wandered into a new landscape with a new colored lake to explore and boat around int.
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Ive taken a quantum giant leap into a new dimension. Im past the last dimension; Is that good? I suppose!
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ITs always good to grow; However; Im at the bottom of the beginning of the next segment of my recovery process; Im floundering around and walking and looking around at times to new landscape at the bottom of the sea; Someplace Ive not been for most of my life; Only in the very beginning of my life to recognize it; Its been a long time. And yet; its all new; a new shelf; a new landing; new sand an color; everything is new but sometimes a representative of where I once was; but from a new perspective; thus I can learn to handle it; explore it with new eyes and a new heart...
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My sharing in meetings is changing; No longer do I fit in... Im beginning to get better. Ive now got more friends I spend some times with during the day that want me to get better; or at least can see Im trying to get better; and they witnessed this... And; I am trying to get better. And from another angle; I fit in much better in meetings with much more positive to offer. Im not sure how safe it is; stockers and such...
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Mental illness is everything; Forget the rest of it; Im now seeing something the Doctors knew and I did not. The type of trauma... In my life; it was like being put on a battle field in WW1; and I received to many bombs dropped in my direction; over n over; month after month; year after year; until I was gone...
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Its a specific kind of trauma; Ive never really received help for; I did in the beginning so they could patch me together from the psychosis dissociated schizophrenic nightmare I was suffering from; Fair enough; decade of therapy specifically on that one subject; many years before that on a more general diagnosis... However; In about 2016; began to see changes; reconnections... Im not sure when I stopped therapy; I think; 2017-2018; something... From their; 12 step groups and some psych groups; several everyday; been doing it ever since.
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12 step groups; These were not really for my trauma self... to be living in; numerous type of these groups attract those coming out of jails to get off of drugs and other problems... And many predators and prison people Ive met. Not always a problem; However; the problem is; several can be a predatorial stalkers and many other issues; However; for the most part; I dealt with things; but it gets tiring.. especially when I want to feel safe. Im not... Its all open meetings; many times things are OKE: but many times theirs always several people in these groups with no concious; just criminals...
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ANYWAY;
As I get better; I want different places to deal specifically with my trauma problems; my specific kind.
Im just barely waking up from it right now from all the work Ive done. Im not sure anyone in any community of general society would understand exactly what this is like; that Im dealing with...
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FIRST LOVE:
I now have another issue to get over from my association with her; Giant levels of trauma; traumatic shock...
When I first met her; I was an innocent person; sensitive; who opened myself up to her as if she was a nice girl who lived up the street; Unfortunately she will explode into a new viel evil creature; Much like a package sent from the Unabomber in the 1970's to an unsuspecting victim... When the victim picked up the package; nothing! the victim may have carried the packed for hundreds of feet; or put it on a desk unsuspecting; but when they began to open the package; BAM... Explosion that would cause severity of bodily harm and death....
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And it was no different for me with my FIRST LOVE; She started out for a while as I nice girl; But then suddenly ( after I was hooked on her or interested in her); Suddenly began to emerge as someone else; A non human criminal minded sociopath; it just kind of metamorphosized like an evil black flower blooming in the Satanic mills of Hell... Pure evil; in human; No concious; no remorse; Nothing... And such a creature; a murder'r of what ever they could dissolve if given a chance; I was caught right in the middle; and it was 2 late; I was completely vested; involved and had no idea who or what I had befriended... In the end I will be completely discarded; completely as if I had never met her; The trauma based damage will be immense. It will be like an Atomic bomb landed on me and exploded. I was unbelievably intense and massive; I remember. I had absolutely no idea who I was dealing with or such things were going to happen to me.
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And all this added to my All ready broken destroyed condition.
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TODAY; As I slowly gain some sanity; The first problem that must go is the trauma from my involvement with this teenage psychopath when young; I was betrayed after putting everything I had; focusing on her thinking I had a best friend and a wife; giving myself freely to her; or fierce loyalty or my faithful obedient involvement; I didnt know I was dealing with a sociopath.. I was destroyed...
later She will claim she never met me... or that It was a few days incursion and nothing more... Unbelievable. As if I had never met me and had no history with her...
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I can see the overwhelming trauma and I want to get over it; Ill keep working with the universe; Ill start with Her; concerning my next level of trauma vacuumation ( sucking the trauma shock from my body and mind and nervous system; sending to outer space where it belongs).
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Im somewhere in the middle of all this; all this trauma. Im at the very very beginnings of this new round of reality within my trauma sickness...
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Im working on repairing the horrible brainwashing from false parents... Im in the process of taking back my own brain and my own narratives of my life... SO I am the one in control. Me n God!
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Its hard slow grinding work; However; Im believing...
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I can see clearly why all problems with relationship; why I could go no further with anything in the real world; I could not get near anything of reality; I was way closed off for my protection. I had been so violated and beheaded in so many ways and directions; there was nothing left of me. and this while I was way underage and still young.
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NOTE: arrested development; Im stuck in many time periods from trauma; and being stuck means immaturity; no movement forward or interest in such things. So; I have lots of work to do.
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Now; I would like more recovery and to emerge back into some forms of life where Im stronger and not so shaky from the past genocide of my life. Im still in that genocide; working my way out if I so choose to do the hard work.
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FIRST LOVE: Is actually somewhere on the later middle stages of my early life trauma... of a long consistent deadly exposure to trauma that started young.
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GOALS;
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Music; create music for the specific purpose of playing something live somewhere that I have written.
Time Line;
1. Create the music
A. 5 easy hand clapping pieces
B. 3 basic piano songs.
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2. Memorize those songs... and Hand clapping pieces
3. Sheet music them or use my laptop; I like the idea of sheet music..
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4. Find a piano and an audience of some kind; A noon free lunch for the homeless or poor; they have piano's in those churches... and I can do this...
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5. How about a few hand clap songs at the 12 step meetings safter clearing it with the chair person.
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And their it is.....
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WHere am I in my music creation situation;
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I have all pieces finished accept the small basic lyrics that go with a simple melody singing line within the hand clapping pieces; Ive got to come up with some basic lyrics of little importance or meaning; something to fill space.. Thats whats left.
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After this Ill memorize. I have the 3 piano pieces finished.
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MONEY: WOMEN: CAR
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The idea here is; growing up; Thats what Im asking Gods help for; However; Im having to come out of mine fields from my past; a past of mental totalled eniolation; Im coming from that comatose field slowly making my way into fertile ground and thus; from negative to positive narratives about what I want.
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WHAT DO I WANT?
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1. Girlfriend
2. Car
3. Money
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Everyone of this must be a list with hundreds of concepts of Gratitude and appreciation underneath.
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GIRLFRIEND:
What creamy surgery appreciation gratitude words can I come up with to describe a girlfriend if I had her... And nothing else; Just a giant gushing list of creamy surgery color of gratitude and love and appreciation..
All negative has to go; And thus; that is what Im working on... However; this time I stick with God down a God pathway; ANd God will manifest what Im looking for. She will appear; and this time Ill talk to her; talk with her; Get a number and just talk with her on the phone every night for while... And get to know her... Working with God the whole way... What does she look like; Who is she; who do I want her to be; I must know. Ill work with God on this so I believe..
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I realized something very strange; I never took advantage of Opportunities; To much mental illness.. I simply cannot function at all in that free space; Im totally traumatized and shut down; learned helplessness; Dissociative disorder.
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CAR; Much like the Girlfriend Concept; I have to see this in reality with confidence; I have to see God supplying everything concerning Car; and not worrying about anything else; I have to have that kind of belief; Thus; I have to ask myself what kind of Car I really want; and not be the victim of things... Lots if not all positives about it. I have to get to the point of independence where I pick a car I want or a truck or jeep or what ever; what do i want... Ill work with God on this.
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The narrative has to change; I have to create new narratives for it until I believe the higher frequency narratives.... and that be my standard.. Get those standards really high and believe nothing less... and go for it; However; it must be all positive writings about stories of my new car... it must; gushing and gratitude and appreciation....
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MONEY: Same as Car and Girlfriend; Same thing... ALl positive with lots and lots of new stories about all that money I all ready have as if Im wealthy beyond belief... Positive gratitude and appreciation for it. Lots of work here.
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SO; I have my work cut out for me; and thus to learn faith and belief Im believe I will get what I want and no less; and get on my knees and ask God for help.
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I just want to get better~!
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I HAVE TO LEARN ON MY OWN;
Nothing is worse for a man then to have to go out as a descent person to want to date and have no takers; thats the first insult; But then to have to work at meeting people who have no appreciation for anything. Its almost a hatred...
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WHen I feel entitled; it wont work. I have to learn how to accept that I work with God and take my own chances; I can have support; but I have to take the chances... If I can get to a place that no one owes me anything... Keep working with God until I snap out of it...
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Going after what I want; taking the opportunities.
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I have to learn through experience how to have girlfriends; its that simple; I dont have any experience at it; Ill have to learn.
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I claim I have experience at it; if that were the case; where are the girlfriends; thus; its a lie; it must be accomplished in the real world through practice; Just like riding a bike or playing a set of drums. I have to learn how through experience...
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THE NEW ME?
IF I have a desire for something; dont squish it; take it to God; demand a way for it but dont trop my standards; even tho I have no idea how this could be possible.
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What Ive done in the past?
I gave up on my desires... I thought; I dont need this stupid game; Im not playing games with the universe or anyone else... I ended up right; but not happy; and I ended up with nothing.
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I claim these little psychopaths that led me on; I claim they took everything and left me dry; just used me; But I was lying; that is not true; They did give me something; They gave me; " AN OPPORTUNITY". It was not their fault I didnt take it. However; I tried to put the blame on them...
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So; did I like any of those psychopaths; Yes; some of them made me happy.. I really loved and adored them..
Why didnt I go out with them; I claim its because they had no concious; but that is not the real reason; the real reason is simple; They would have had a baby and I would have had to have taken care of the baby; ANd their it is.
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In a sense; I gave up what would make me happy so i didnt have to learn how to take responsibility for what makes me happy. The girl was not free; the truck I wanted was not free!~
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A STORY;
So; I friend told me this recently; He said a young man he knows ended up in Jail for Drinking while Driving... DWI! This young man said; " Next time; Ill just stop driving"; that will take care of the problem; So; he would sell his truck? that way no more trouble with the law; However; that also means no more truck...
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This attitude of this young man; this is how I lived for years and years; Ill just not get into relationship; Ill not drive and Ill not work... Well; Mental illness has something to do with it! However; if I dont drive or marry anyone I wont have to worry about the responsibility; At first this was OKe; but later; not so OKE. I missed driving to vacation spots. I missed being with the women I adored and loved and wanted. I was not happy.
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I was given opportunities but never took them.... And then those opportunities were shut off for good by the giver of such things; and that was that; and I was bent out of shape over it...
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THIS IS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO:
I would a truck and then learn how to work with God to keep it.
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THIS IS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO; I would like to find another women I like; even if she is a psycho; if she makes me happy; I would like to go for it.
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I mentioned before; If I had hooked up with one of those women psycho's; I would have had their children; my children and then I would have to talk to God for answers on how to survive and help my family survive... But I would have been happy.
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So; What Desires do I have; What Desires do I have that would make me happy... And thus; asking God for help to follow through and ask GOd how I can sustain and keep the desires once I have them... work with God on this!
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ALTIMATE BEGINNING PROBLEMS WITH RELATIONSHIPS: ROMANTIC
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I have to work through the problem abuse and rejections from MOTHER/FATHER and all assigned main and secondary situations; also; Grandparents/best friends parents when living at their house. Living with MOther and Step father on the coast... ALl of these things; Teachers in authority positions; working through this to become safe or feel safe and empowered again.
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It matters not at this point who I used to like; who liked me; Because all those women Ive written about that I liked; THey all gave me an Opportunity to be with them; I ( embarrassingly so); destroyed those opportunities; mainly from going RED ( DEFENSE); when ever anyone would try to get close to me... Suddenly I was dealing with my mother and father again and I would lash out or close off and run off... or freeze mode.
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So; What do I do now. It's now about any external outside people I wanted relationships with; its about my own internal furnace level rage or heated condition whenever anyone is directly in front of me; I feel like Im dealing with another abusive human being and Im overloaded as it is...
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So; How do I work through all this...
I can feel the anger rage Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde; kind of thing... I can see the fake smile I put on when deep down its seething rage. More dissociation and thus more therapy of some sort to learn how to face this stuff and move on from the humiliation...
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NOTE: ALl of these women that liked me or wanted to go out with me and I call them all psycho/s Not really Cool. I mean; these people opened up and gave me a chance; They did this because I created an opportunity and they gave me a chance to sell myself to them so they could decide if they were interested; And they were... They gave me an opportunity; and I coward out; freak out and ran off; chickened out.
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ALl Im trying to do is decide to work on the past so I can stop running away from people Ive created an opportunity with for an opportunity... Is wholly embarrassing when I never follow through. I just want to find some answers... Ill start talking to God about it; Ill start writing resentment work on sexual abuse and mother father; teachers step fathers; brothers... friends parents that affected me when young; Horrible situations... and fake friends.. no support... feeling abandon from the community. Feeling abandon from women in general; really; God; I hope I dont turn into one those; However; Ill look into it!
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