July 2025
June 2025
First Love; More information from the universe; She was not my friend! She was not my friend ever.. Thus; no foundation possible. All things associated with that person; a mistake. Whats Funny or interesting; She was not the first; A year before that; I pulled that on another cheerleader at another school in the summer; I did the exact same thing; but for some reason; I know the other cheerleader at the other school from my hometown; I knew I had no interest in her... I was just lonely and thrown away.
Im not sure what happened with this next cheerleader; For some silly reason; I really thought I had a shot at being with her; I was crazy and out of my mind. I did not... I didnt because I was a nice person and she was like ever other cheerleader; not a nice person... At Least the ones I met. I may never know why I thought I had a shot at her; I dont know; I do know; now that I know what happened; This second cheerleader I was interested in was no different then the first; for some reason I didnt know this. I had no results.... Neither was interested in me at any level for anything. Im not sure why I didnt get the message... Im not sure why I was targeting cheerleaders. Maybe; low self esteem and anger... I was a throw away and I wanted to be somebody...
THere was no difference between either cheerleader; Why would I fall so hard for one in such a delusional way; Well; I was delusional. In the end; all of it evaporated into nothing because nothing existed... Sunny Jesus never sent me to those people; I did...
.
NOTE: If I want a relationship life; Ill have to decide on it... and work with God. Ive broken through other things; other challenges now; This one is no different.
.
What Bout the present; I have to learn to get over these people... step back and move on... move on to something else or someone else...
.
I have to learn to recreate myself and start over... I mean; I really do; and thats whats happening here.
.
NOTE: First love was a FALSE START; I was triggered; Thats what happened. I was triggered to find anything outside the neglect based family system I came from; I was seeking anything for love and acceptance and to be noticed and to have real relationships. An opportunity seemed to fly at me out of nowhere. In reality; it was no opportunity; In my demoralized delusional mind; I turned anything possible finding into a full giant opportunity... Alas; this type of dead thing process was doomed. This means; The first person I find or lay eyes on; Im claiming will be my best friend soulmate girlfriend future wife who will love me and take care of me; and all of this out of desperation... complete desperation and emotional relational starvation. Unfortunately I did attempt this; and it failed miserably... It flopped from the beginning and went nowhere and I felt personally crushed and destroyed...
What's interesting; I tried this on another person 1 year before; the exact thing and she was also a cheerleader.. of course it failed miserably. Looking back; both situations were identical. Im not sure what that means; accept I wanted love. In both case; 2 complete strangers I would normally have never associated with; I found myself trying to take advantage of the situation and become friends with both when their was clearly no friendship with either; I had nothing in common with either... And in text book fashion; nothing got off the ground with either person; and at some point I was run off or dismissed completely. I felt failed and miserable and not worth anything; I was looking for a success of any kind in my life. In reality; going after young women of this nature and lack of sensitivity was the the worst possible solution Ive ever come up it... I must have been crazy; 100000000 to 1 to have any form of favorable outcome. the odds were impossible that either of these people would have lasted an hour around me; they did not have my values or depth; nothing... I mean. No relationship could have come about; impossible. And this was correct; In right fashion; nothing ever got off the ground; within a short time I was being avoided... And their it is; I was triggered; I call it a False Alarm; the idea an opportunity was rising when in reality; I simply had jumped the gun and made a mistake! Ive done this several times with disastrous results.
.
NOTE: Some people would think me insane to keep wanting to get interested in relationships; but Ive never been in one; not really. Ive never been with anyone Ive even had a conversation with; its sickening and insane... Ive had to walk away from everyone of them. It was ridiculous... Its up to me if I want to go through this...
If I were to put a name to all of this; I would say they are immoral and corrupt.. I see many people not wanting to get involved. I just wanted a normal life and I dont want it taken from me; It will take some work and lots of responsibility... The miss happs of my youngers years dont reflect much of anything on my future... I dont think the past is the problem now.
I know how horrific this is going to be going through this. One key that would help; to be with someone who is honest.. That is a start..
Im not looking forward to how many people Ill have to go through before I meet someone compatible. I dont know.
Ive never met anyone that liked me accept one person; and I met her by mistake... almost alarmingly against the rules...
Something is just not right out here... However; as one speaker of spirituality put it; When he asked people concerning having someone in their lives; they simply responded with; " We dont know anyone". THey didnt know anyone they would be interested in!
.
I have allot of depth and that has literally stopped all dating. I mean; its stopped everything. I have no idea who to be interested in. THe spiritual speakers I listen to suggest creating who I want in my imagination and believing and assuming they will show up. I think Im like allot of people who cant understand How someone of my ability or depth has no one interested in me. In fact; Ive had more people hate me or think they were better then me; thats all its been; nothing else...
.
My goal was to learn how to be interested in someone else. Many people claim that no one wants them; but in reality it seems; the real problem is; Thiers no one to want. However; with a change of focus and attitude; I think all of this can change.
.
NOTE; I think it would be just great to go experience someone in order to decide if I like them or not...
.
At some point ill find out. I will attempt things again; I dont know what to think about all this... Im not sure. Ill try; I really dont have the ability; Im so damaged...
.
I have to work with God on these things... I have to allow...
.
Im trying to get caught up to speed with life again; In all areas; Im so immature concerning adult life...
Its up to me. It would take allot of responsibility to attempt what Im want to attempt; concerning relationships. Its been nothing but a horror show all my life.
.
Im so very lucky concerning working through those I dealt with from the past; that I was able to work with God and get through it; meaning; understand and accept what really happened in the past; work through it to a point of moving on... And thats where Im at now! Whats stopping me now is not the past...
.
But I feel like nothing has changed for the future; its still the same... So; if I want to develop in this area concerning relationships; its up to me... I guess.
.
Im scared to death because when I was younger and innocent; I never found anyone to go outwith.. Nothing... No one... The people I took an interest in laughed in my face; I had no chance with them. I didnt know! THis doesnt make sense to me... Non of this does... However; after talking to some; Ive found Im not alone; At least Ive got that on my side.
.
I really need to be around decent people. Thats part of the problem; to be around honest people.
.
Its up to me when ever I want to start such and endeavor... I feel like its almost a sort of personal suicide to go out there... Ill work with God on it!
.
Im not impressed by most of the people Ive seen married. It seems like they are either thugs or have a high level skill that makes money; the men; Being an interesting person does not seem to be of any affect these days...
.
Ive listened to some women talk; and some ive listened to; they call adultery cheating; when its really Adultery... and theirs not conscious... They cheated on someone else or with someone that had someone else and or maybe had a kid from it; and theirs no conscious.. No Shame; Nothing! Unbelievably corrupt. What next; Rape. Is that going to be the next hobby couples practice in... They way this society is rolling; Im not sure what to think anymore... Its not just " Times are changing"////....
.
What Im building up to; and it will be a while; is that decision to move forward with this thing... Im getting a little closer... Ive got a big ugly thick gap between where Im at and moving forward with the idea of working with the universe on relationships...
.
If Im going to be in relationships; Ive got to establish some boundaries of what Im looking for and what I wont stand for...
.
Regardless of the lack of money I have right now; Ive got to go with someone educated and with morals and ethics... thats whats missing in my life. Ive kind of been in a covert state in the recovery process; Ive never really attracted anyone because of my personality. And that makes me sick to my stomach...
.
So; Ill make a list of what Im looking for and put it in my imagination.
.
.
I have to learn how to become someone in society again; and I; with Gods help have to rebuild my life; Whether it be Money or Women or Housing or Work or Callings or Hobbies; I have to become that guy in society; building myself up in society to gain some of these things.
.
I have to become Boyfriend material for women; Whom ever God is sending me... Down the God pathway... I have to grow up and grow more; period! I have to become someone in reality...
.
Money and cars; I have to grow more and become in reality... No problem; I get it; I see my direction... I mean its a simply direction; I have to grow up... Grow into the next stages of development that have something to do with work money and women and cars.....
.
Ive learned to work through the past; Now I have to learn to let it go to move on; That is a bit different thing... Not that it cant be done; Ill be finding out about it...
.
Ill have to deal with the cards that have been dealt me and slowly deal with things.
.
.
Im not the only one that has gone through this. I was at a meeting with 2 women from one of the fellowships I attend; We are not friends; I guess we are kind of on basic speaking terms... We know who each other is; we are not friends... Not really...
.
So; After I mentioned about not being friends with some of the women I liked; and how I had this concept drilled in my head from God; that I must be with those that are all ready friends; that is who I build a relationship with; I began to hear some of the women in the group say the same thing; how they fell for men that didnt want them and were led on for a year before they woke up. Ive heard it allot from women; being in relationships where they are not being treated right... And not sure what that means.
I know what that means!
The problem I had; I never left and found someone else. It was made clear from God that some of the people I had an interest in were not honest; they were liars; they were not my friends; I meant nothing to them... And Im trying to build a relationship with someone like that? WHY?
.
So; Im not the only one. Ive been isolated for most of my life and Im just down finding out lots of people have gone through this...
.
So; Ill work with God on this.
.
I remember looking into some of those girls eyes when I was young; some of those eyes I liked and thinking how broken or sensitive they were and how they needed to be loved; I WAS WRONG! I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG! DEAD WRONG! I WAS ABSOLUTELY MISTAKEN...
.
I have to start out with decent people to start with. Ill have to work with God on this!
.
Ill have to start over with God on all of these things; In fact; thats exactly what Im doing.
.
I have to re create what I want in my imagination until I believe its already mine! I have to believe and assume the desire is fulfilled. I have to learn this; learn how to do this; if I want anything in my life; from my life; I have to... Thats where Im headed... Learning about this; learning to ask God for the right help for these things... I have to ask for help again...
.,
.
Im learning to tell people some truths about me... about the real me. One thing that was really hard to tell someone today. I had to tell them how hard it was to tell women who I really am not! and that by telling them; it was like telling past potential girlfriends and or my mother; it was like talking to her... It was like talking to my mother. IT was like confessing to an old girlfriend potential who I really am.
.
Ive had a hard time telling someone who I really am; I was never honest with them at all; I wonder who the pathological liar is.. I completely lied about everything... So; I have allot to learn on telling other people who I am...
.
.
MUSIC: 3 piano pieces and 1 hand clap piece done; Im working on another hand clap piece; Ill do several more and then work on them and go perform them some place. So; its interesting to see all of this come into reality...
.
.
As I mentioned before; I believe I would like a car to come into my reality...
I would like money to come into my reality
I would like a family to come into my reality
I would like house to come into my reality
I would like a wife to come into my reality.
.
So; I have allot of work to do here... A lot. All areas get sucked into dissociative disorder right from the start and are buried before I can do anything real with them; Im working on it tho...
.
NOTE; ITS UP TO ME: ALL OF THIS;
.
Ill have to decide if I want to be part of any of this again. ITs possible.
.
I think the practicing of looking for what i want in someone is a kind of reverse attitude adjustment. Im practicing looking for what I want in someone instead of what I dont want... So; Positive attitude on this one will go a long way... But really; If I made a commitment to what I want and not stop until I have success; then. We will see. But it all comes down to making a decision for what I want...
.
.
TRANSIENT AREAS;
From 5th Grade to 9th grade; Transient; lost... taken away from my home and my neighborhood; I ended up in other schools in other towns in a state of shock. Bullied; confused; completely in a state of freeze mode; completely flunking out; no one who cared about me; nothing; nightmare . No help; no hope.
.
Taken back by child molester relatives; sickening scumbags... I was molested and I had no place to run or hide and no help; no family; nothing... No more parents; I just wondered around lost all the time; I had nothing; much further then no hope. Nothing mattered because I was connected to nothing. If I died who would care; if anyone knew why would anyone care. I belonged to no one...
.
.
IN THE PRESENT: Im now getting ready to allow GOd into those transient areas; Im going to allow God in and just kind of sit with me in those areas and see if I cant establish a beach head; a village forming that will take care of me in those years; and look after me and guide me and allow me to develop... Ill just pray and start writing stories about a new direction and new life at that time period; Ill create it and some how rewrite it slowly heading into my life now; so it will all make sense with a happy ending.
.
.
.
FIRST LOVE; And others from my past; I told them nothing; I lied; I lied like a pathological liar. No one knew anything about me. I was afraid; if I told them who I was; they would get rid of me or want nothing to do with me; they would not want me around anymore. I didnt have the courage or the experience of doing this with others; it was way over my head. Maybe if I had told them the truth; they might have wanted to help. However; Knowing I meant nothing to these people that day they met me; I would have been better for me to turn around immediately and walk away and never return. In the end; thats what I did! Im not really blaming anyone. I seriously had no business around these strangers in the first place... I needed help; and I needed help from agencies specifically set up for my trauma problems and the over use of drugs and alcohol that had started.
.
When it comes to drugs and alcohol; what I really needed was education; Once I became educated on the horrible affects of adding substances with mental illness and trauma problem; once I understood all that from being trained; It didnt take much for me to want to quit; Once educated; and thus; I began to see how drugs and alcohol; just how close I could get into real trouble. However; right on that edge; things suddenly blew up in my face and I started slowing way down.. I hurt myself and really didnt want that in my life anymore. Alcohol; at some point blew up in my face; I couldnt stop; Next thing ya know; Im in the nut house for PTSD reasons; suddenly later in the month; Im at my first AA meeting. It could have been a whole lot worse? Ill never know; I got the education I needed and simply really never went back... Thats all it really took for me; I was on the wrong track of things going nowhere and I needed it pointed out to me...
.
So; Im at this new place of allowing God into those horrible lonely broken dissociated years of being thrown away when very very young; between childhood; adolescence; teen years... Ill start with that. I need God in their to re create a whole other story for my life at that time that I can imagine.. a new story of accomplishments; of being taken care of; looked after and loved.. and shown purpose. Ill work with God on this.
.
.
WHAT AM I WORKING ON RIGHT NOW>
.
When it comes to women; FRIENDSHIP; Romantic Friendships; meaning; my interest is always about a girlfriend; but its not; right now Ive got to learn how to know who to have friendships with; how to be around safe people and only safe people. How do i make real friends and who are safe and who value me... This friendship thing; thats what Im going to create in my imagination.
.
Ive made allot of mistakes in the past ending up at the wrong peoples houses; Id like to know how to avoid those houses when I become near; and end up at the right houses.
.
From a group of friends; thats who I would work with God on; thus to date. I would develop that friendship making sure that person has my values and ethical views I guess... and from their; maybe think about something more; but that friendship has to be success... I mean; Ive got to learn how to have success with friendships; meaning; meeting the right people that are safe...
.
.
I have allot of support; the new goal is for the 7 year old in me; when prompted by the universe; to step out and take steps for my new life; They will be really short small steps to get start in___________? I dont know. Im not there yet; I cant get there from here. But the goal is to start living my full life again; in order to do that; I have to relearn literally how to live life!~ So; it will start out very small Im assuming; its up to the universe.
.
.
I JUST RECIEVED A NEW INSIGHT FROM THE UNIVERSE:
The birthing of a new girlfriend into reality; I saw it in the middle of my mind; I saw it happen; suddenly she arrived from a portal... A portal within me; I was on my bike and I saw it!
.
What does it mean; it means just what I said; I can feel it; What does it mean in the real world; maybe; Just that Im getting closer and closer and closer. I dont know yet what it means or where it is going... I know where it came from; it came from God...
.
I assume money; and car will come in the same way; suddenly... I dont know tho... .
.
And I dont know what to do about this concept of a girlfriend. I have no idea what has been rebirthed within my mind from fantasyland... I dont know...
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Phase 12#7; Moving into new areas
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.353s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 4
Time : 3.353s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 4