July 2025
June 2025
This is such a vast subject
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I might put this blog out or not...
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Its is a very so sad blog; its the saddest blog in the world because I have to move on now and look at my interests in women from a vantage point of non personal. What does that mean? It means no personalities... It means Ive now gone beyond specific people; And it means Ive kind of gone beyond my feelings toward women.
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Do I Like or Hate women? At this point; Does it matter...
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The question is; Ive been presented lots of women; have I taken any? Not really no! WHy? That is The problem.
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This is such a vast blog... meaning; I can write a thousand pages. However; the goal is answers...
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In sense; I want to know why Im not sleeping with women.. I cant say it any better. And Im going to start addressing different issues...
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First; abandonment issues by my Mother
Second; Abandonment issues of my original surroundings; house street town school, friends; institutions and so on... neighborhood..
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Size of my Johnson; This horrifies me; I mean; on a good day its 5 inches long; thats it; more generally 4, I guess! I did have a women once say she was shocked it was so small... But the reality was; I had just eaten and my digestive system had shut things down; and it wasnt assembled to its lengths.. I really didnt want to use it much with this person; I didnt really want to get intimate with her.. I didnt know her and I just didnt. I didnt feel comfortable.. In a sense I pulled away from her never really letting it happen much because it didnt feel right being with that person at that level of intimacy. Something was wrong so I really didnt infiltrate her. And she bashed me for it to other people; saying I was the smallest she had even ever thought of. I could B_tch about it; But what she was actually doing was a form of womens scorn... For some reason I dont really care... accept I dont want to be compared to her previous lover or what ever. But its not even that.. Its how I was treated.
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I seemed to have gotten lousy treatment by allot of people; so much so it scares me or frustrates me.
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Do I hate women? Well; I would say; What kind of women was I seeing or getting involved with in bed.
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Im wondering if the " Bed" part of it is bothering me. I never wanted to " Go TO BED" with anyone. I just wanted a wife. I wanted to meet my best friend when young and that was that. But something stopped me.
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This is leading into a great question; I wanted to meet my best friend ( a wife)when young and that was that. But something stopped me.
So; what stopped me?
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Now suddenly; We are getting somewhere?
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This blog is a very general exploration; so its Oke to be random about everything...
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I guess no matter what I did when young; as a child; im going to be abandon. It doesnt matter how good a child or a person I am; Im going to be thrown away. It doesnt matter how hard I try to act right or perform; Im going to be permanently abandon...
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I noticed something; all the women it seems; almost all of them; they are mean or like the people who abandon me... What does that mean?
Ive wondered why the women Ive attracted are so ruthless and hardcore. Because they are so hard core I ran off... I wasnt interested in them.. I didnt want them anywhere near me; they always reminded me of my mother or other sadistic bad women I had been abused by; more or less abandon by. Not so much physical abuse; but used and not taken care of.
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I needed someone taking care of my life my direction my success when I was young; not just feeding me... I needed someone that wanted to see I was safely taken care of in society; that I make it in society and have a good life... success....
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I would never want to be around anyone that didnt want my best interests for a successful life..
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I was around sadistic monsters...
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It seems like all Ive ever attracted were sadistic monsters... and I just gave up! I finally just went into myself... and would not leave.
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I got tired of trying to give sadistic monsters a chance; trying to figure out how I could pacify them so I could have some kind of relationship with them...
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I was not treated very well. I was not treated like a human being.
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I just gave up and went into myself and went away...
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Meeting nice girls;
My God; nothing scared me more; I thought I had to have 200 grand a year to meet a nice girl. I didnt have anything but my feelings and my brain; I had nothing else. I refused to meet someone; I was to scared. I was 2 scared of getting some monster like the others.. I was so sick of this. I am so sick of this. I dont know what to think.
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I had women interested in me when younger; but it freaked me out having these strangers come up to me . It felt sickening... it felt like I had no protection from strangers... it felt like they were a bunch of molesters. Non of these people wanted to be friends with me... I mean; they never came up to me to be friends... So I could develop friendships... I wasnt interested in anyone else coming up to me...
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I just wanted a life; but I was not supplying it for myself.
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I was not taking responsibility for the women who entered my life.
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And this is a good question; I was not taking responsibility for the type of women that entered my life...
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Did I screen the wrong ones out; did I keep a high standard of who I wanted in my life; meaning; the higher level human being... did I really look at what I wanted to attract...
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Did I take the time to talk to some of the women that already liked me...
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This is a really hard question;
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First Love; as much as I want to complain. As much as she tried to dismantle that she ever knew me and laugh at me and claim I meant nothing to her and it appears she didnt care if she ever saw me again... She was around me for 18 months. If I wanted her ( God help me; why would I); did i sit down and talk to her...
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However; again She is the perfect candidate to talk about concerning the type of women I attract. She is the perfect example of dysfunction. I had 18 months to ask her out; and I never did. Asking her out means; physically fooling around with her... sexually speaking. I did not. Why?
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I did not want to go any further with her! Why? Because I thought she was from hell; Satanic; She was not a nice person.
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I wasnt around her just to be used! in a strange way she was using me by not appreciating me. It appears she was the wrong person for me because Im a decent human being; That is a weird idea that we didnt have enough in common because Im a human being; a nice person...
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How did I attract someone like this in the first place.
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There hearts arnt with me; but they would have let me date them anytime in 18 months; Does that make any sense? Maybe they were slumming; and didnt think they could get any better. maybe they had womens scorn because I never hit back on them... Meaning; asked them out.
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I never sat down and talked to them.
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This is very important;
I NEVER SAT DOWN AND TALKED TO THEM....
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It appears to me I want nice smart sensitive women in my life... and I wasnt really taking any responsibility to find them and keep the standard high.
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I know the sadistic monsters I attracted; My God! Help Me!
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Responsability! THeres that word. I guess I was shocked I would need that word so young. I would have to learn at a very very young age on my own who entered my life and who didnt....
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Its unfortunate I was thrown away; I would have had to become responsabile in these area not even out of grade school; And all of that is not only not possible; no child should ever be asked to have to live like an adult like that; its pure society abuse against a child...
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However; Im learning as I write this; there is a kind of women I would want in my life; a nice person. I would have to work with God and take responsibility to attract those people. Im asking for anything more then what I am...
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Im literally abused every time I let these other weirdo type people into my life; these unfinished sociopathic monsters...
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I let these monsters into my life and then claim Im the victim because they dont turn out to be decent women...
In many cases these women liked me or better said; they would give me a chance; But after seeing what I had gotten myself into; I did not want a chance with them; I wanted to get away from them for good as fast as possible and wonder what had gone wrong...
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REsponsability.... Someone's got to take responsibility here...
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Something else that is important; Im not sure any of the women I attracted really wanted me; the inner me; the real me; it was like I was attracting people who were strangers to myself... we had no values in common; Nothing; scary! I was not the right person for them.
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When women would realize I was not the scum bag type thug they were looking for; suddenly they laughed me off and walked away... I was not the kind of person they where looking for; and they didnt know this at first... it took awhile. They waited around for a long while to find out I had nothing in common with them and I was the wrong person they were looking for. Many were looking for the popular smoothing talking opportunist...
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How did any of this happen... WHy am I attracting people so completely wrong thats its like 2 different tribes from 2 different camps showing up around each other.
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My Goal is to attract people from my Tribe and thats is all.
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So; who is my Tribe; What am I looking for; that is a really good question.
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Im not sure Ive really taken any responsibility for whom Ive let into my life. I gave up on the idea of ever attracting anyone good enough for me. I just thought; they would never accept me. Now Im not so sure I want to give up on the idea because Im not sure I can afford not to!
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Im starting to think Ive got to keep my standards high just to keep the weirdos off my door stop. The reason Im not getting decent people showing up to my door is because Im letting everyone else in...
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I just wanted to be taken care of and it didnt work. Its like I went into the world blind; all that happened? I got raped all the time; and robbed. So; going out into the world blind is not the answer.
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Ill start with God and the idea of tribe.
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I dont like this; but im going to have to learn how to take responsibility for who comes into my life. I want so badly to just be loved by anyone that shows up; but that wont work; by opening my door to anyone; sadistic sycophants are showing up all over the place; Many of these creatures are wolves dressed in sheeps clothing.
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So; answers;
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1. Tribe; What is my tribe
2. What am I looking for in a women so I can feel safe...
3. responsability; The screening process. Its up to me to know exactly what Im looking for and to have an intensive screening process to keep unwanted people out!
4. Working with the laws of attraction to attract what I do want; bringing it down GOds pathway.
5. When I believe it first; then it will show up; So I must do the work first to learn to believe Im going to get what Im looking for. IT must first show up or birth from fantasy into reality within my imagination... I have techniques to accomplish this... It does take a great deal of work and time; it takes what it takes.
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Areas I felt unaccepted;
Abandonment
Penis size
Am I enough?
Do I have enough
How much money do I have to have....
mental problems
lack of work or fitting into society...
And so on.....
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Im thinking; if Im around nice people; The fact they are decent nice people might just solve half this... Solve most of these problems. With quality people; most of these problems are solved.
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