July 2025
June 2025
Phase series; Whats it for; where am I at!
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Girlfriend
Performing music live...
And other goals may apply...
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Girlfriend; Where am I at?
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First; No Trace of First Love must be accomplished. Meaning; She is gone from my nervous system... Has anything like this happened. Yes; in smaller ways; it is showing up... Trying to show up.
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A. My newest narrative concerning first love; She was a nice girl; a sweet girl; She simply did not like me... O Well! WHat can one do! And their it is... Its over before it ever started...
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B. I was talking to a women the other day; an intense meeting of hearts and minds and souls; And for that moment we talked; I was present and connected to her; I had no memories of anyone else or anything else at that moment... So; for the time I was talking to her; No First Love thoughts; Nothing; as if I had never had one... I was completely satisfied talking to the other women and did not need at that moment to remember anything from the past; I was getting all my needs met at that moment in the present. This literally is an example of NO FIRST LOVE FROM THE PAST... I mean no history existed at that moment.
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C. Asking God for a wife; Children; writing stories as if I had a wife..children; writing lots of stories as if its already happened;
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A few days ago; suddenly while sitting in an open area with tables/umbrella down town; a women appears with her children. She sat a few tables away... I could tell this was a manifestation thing; I just could. She was a beautiful young women; I mean.. She was beautiful.. I just kind of thought about her... I got back to my art work; but I knew her 6 year old son would meander coming over to my table and figure out a way to talk to me... And thus; He did.. And liked my Art work... and he kept talking to me... And then his sister came over but was 2 scared to get to close; she kind of walked by... ANd then it happened as I thought it would; The mother said something to me about her kids... it would have been a perfect opportunity for me to simply give the kid some art paper and help him and then walk over and introduce myself to the women.
I was not ready for that... But their ya go... I couldnt take it; I just slammed up shop and left...
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I wasnt ready for it... I have allot of pre development social practice first; I have to get better; get past several forms of survival mode... If God wants this kind of thing for me; God will bring it back to me.
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Ive been praying about how In the world I would deal with children being self centered immature and PTSD ridd'n and dissociative. I know; if I talk to the mom and tell her the truth if Im with her; a mom and she has kids then....... Im praying about it on my knees for the maturity of dealing with children for my future.
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Friends;
one of my goals was to make friends so I could hang out at their place a bit; and Shazam; I am.. And I go to his farm in the mornings at times; he gives me rides to meetings... We go to his place; we have coffee. And Ive met a few of his people; his sister and his niece and some of their kids... And its like.
damn; ya know; a whole world is going on out here in the world and Ive not been part of it... social is not easy; but Im doing better... Im doing better; Im not shamed as much or guilt ridd'n or hiding so I dont have to deal with shame or people hurting me. At some point; Ill need to meet people of a higher educational background; that would fill a real nitch.
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IM A PERSON WHO HAD MENTAL BREAKDOWNS TO THE POINT OF STATE DISABILITY AND HOUSING...
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I did use drugs and alcohol at times; 2 different times; Both experiences almost turned into complete disasters but I was saved by strange spiritus from the universe both times. With drugs; would have become a full blown drug addict; But; I overdosed several times getting me into the hospital on a gurney; I hurt my brain so I slowed way down; for three years it was a kind of drug psychosis... I was paranoid withdrawn and my mind had been weakened pluss massive depression. This when very young; I was in high school.
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Later in my 20's I began to drink. I was already so mentally gone I could not function. So; I turned into a kind of beginning problem alcoholic drinker; and after a few years it got worse; It finally turned into potential alcoholic and then signs of authentic alcoholic and I could not stop drinking; This last phase lasted for a short while because I ended up in the nut house with PTSD and suicide problems... And from their; therapy and 12 step groups of all kinds abounded to me; and I kind of learned about substance abuse and such and I stayed away from the stuff from then on... I did relapse after a year over a girl; But I learned my lesson... And never really touched the stuff ever since... Never wanted to go back to that horrid life...
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Substances and mental health problem do not mix; not for me! its 2 dangerous...
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HERE I AM NOW:
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Here are my goals;
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Wife + Children; starting out with girlfriend and moving into wife....
House
Car
Money
career
vacations
hobbies
callings
talents...
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And Im sure more stuff along the rooftop will show up; more interests...
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Goals or desires or manifestations like; House and career; Well; not so important on the menu right now; but Ive learned to put them on the menu anyway and work on them with success based thinking process techniques... I write stories about having them as if I already have them; I visualize as if Im in them... I use drawing paper and draw them; draw a scenario Im part of them; working in a village setting with everything I want...
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CAR: Well; a big gap resides between car and where Im at now... The problem is maturity... However; some signs of movement in my imagination... So; Ive seen a little more acceptance of me in a car lately.
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Vacations; Well; this is getting interesting; Things have changed. I started out this year by getting rides to 2 locations; got that far. Did ask a friend to take me to a longer destination; but it did not work out for him.
Heres whats important. In my imagination; suddenly I see myself at these places in the present having fun; and all I need is the transportation to get there. That means Im starting to accept those frequency levels as real and I own them... And Im in the present with them... they are birthing into reality where I see myself with no gaps; Im just going there and having fun. All I need is transportation.
This is a huge massive step forward for Vacations.. This work is done in my imagination. And Ill keep at it.
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MONEY: Well; this has changed a bit; my imagining on this... Im much stronger seeing myself go into a bank and talking to a teller with her close up and personal in my face taking those bags of money within my imagination and I give to her and she processes all that money and then gets real close to me looking me in the eyes; and tells me shes working with the computer... And then hands me a balance; she puts it right in front of my face; 100 thousand dallazs.... And Im like. I got a 1oo thousand dallaz in the bank baby! Shes up close and personal looking me in the eyes from 2 inches away with this big smile and she kisses me and Im on my way.... All in my imagination.. The goal is to create scenarios with no gaps; just belief...
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Why is this important.. Well because its so personal with the teller; its like she is a witness up close that I got this; I got this money... and its in the bank... And the more work I do like this in my imagination; the more real and upclose my goals become... And soon their will be no gap between where Im at and my goals. My confidence will rise and I will simply Demand the universe bring me everything Im asking for...
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So; things are happening... things are happening the way Ive wanted them; I wanted movement in my imagination and thats whats happening here.
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Art Work; A ruff beginning;
Im starting to show up to the open area where covid time had the streets blocked between the coffee shops... The city kept it that way after covid; its now a beautiful set of seats and umbrellas and water fall area in the back downtown... where a whole street used to be; A fantastic place to create Art work. And ive been out there trying... Survival mode kicks in I get triggered by sounds and people and get freaked out and dont feel safe and things happen and.. but I have been going down there and drawing...
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MUSIC;
Ive created 3 small simple piano pieces and 5 very simple hand clap pieces for performance. I talked in a business meeting of one of my 12 step groups; And ask permission to perform one of my Hand CLap pieces... They said yes. And that is how its done listening to the universe for answers...
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So; I have to memorize a bit and then go perform one of my written hand clap pieces; very simple very small very short... but will complete the goal..
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DEPRESSION; Its hard waking up from mental breakdowns. Im waking up because I do alot of hard work to wake up; but I also am inviting the truth in; a truth I could not handle before about the disappointments of life. I was disappointed in every way imaginable and then thrown away from all things...
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So; waking up to the truth is good; it means I can be more present but Im also broken hearted I guess... I mean..
So; Ill work with God rebuilding my life...
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