July 2025
June 2025
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Many things; the beginning of changing;
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Im dry! This means; its a feeling that Ive been in the recovery process and going out into the real world; I will probably not drink when Im in dry situations. A dry situation is something that could have caused me bored'm or stress when younger and I would not tolerate the reality of it;' and go drink instead... Mainly to change my reality. Im accepting of DRY; Im accepting of myself now being dry.. and accepting of myself working through dry or dryness in life without alcohol... Problems with Alcohol. Alcohol leads to Smoking... Smoking Dope... So... Im dry... Im dry while being a part of dry and the real world experience dry; a dry experience Im participating in.
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Problems with DRY! I may see myself living again; being part of things again without so many meetings... and maybe after participating in several events dry; I want a reward; and a pat on the back and a stop at the bar for a beer! And their it is... Boredom can cause allot of problems.
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I feel like Im at that place before I started having problems; more serious problems with alcohol.
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So; Im getting close to not needing the meetings anymore as much; Im looking to interact in other groups now; Im just OKE for it now... Just barely.
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TRUE LOVE: Continue the basic work to move on from TRUE LOVE: Unfortunately; to my horror; All this was is a story about a teenage girl who led me on; I meant nothing to her; and then discarded me out of nowhere... And thats all it was; those are the facts... It was my fault getting involved in the first place. This person certainly was not moral or ethical or with any form of conscious or remorse. Any Judge would tell me; " Cant you walk away from this person and never go back as a solution?". Yes! Actually thats what I did. I was still set up by someone; I didnt expect that! I just didnt... Its more serious then this; However; In the end now; does it matter.. Well yes; but Im literally moving on from it because of the work Ive done with Gods help and all the 12 Step groups Ive been apart of and spoke in about such subjects...
Anyway; its a constant working through and letting go; its not over yet; Its getting closer... Im very close to being on the other side of it to a point of literally being in a new life now; where its a matter of time where more of the pain and past of it is let out and I simply slowly cautiously move into; one step a time; into a new life. Not over yet; It needs to be completely over before the universe will move me on to new people. I know what that means and how it feels to be present again; thats what Im moving toward; the work Im doing this... More work must done and done and done until this is completely erased...
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Some aspect of this person is still real to me; I want to see her in my own colored view; However, I know better; and I know see myself backing off; backing away; Slowly. And I have to keep this up; Some kind of charm or false impression by this person caught me; fraud with a smile kind of thing; when deep down in the person; I meant nothing to them; they wanted to see if they could get away with it; thats all that is important to them... How they damage or hurt people means nothing; They are liars and thieves; criminals... Simple... And I have to learn to back out of a place like that and come back to my senses and leave; within my imagination. This was a habitual criminal...
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NOTE; Where was my life during all this; it was not developed and not getting developed; I was hoping this girl would work with me. Never happened...
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NOTe; its all a fraud game... They are fooling someone 100% completely every second... They feel nothing... THey are fooling someone using every technique every second continuously... Their intent is to take a stranger and completely fraud them out.
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NOTE; I remember sitting next to her and talking; and she would give me this; kind of doe eyed look of helplessness and sadness as if she needed to be loved; I never felt better around someone; more safe; It felt like someone I could talk to for the rest of my life. She seemed trusting and to trust me and like me and want me... IT WAS A COMPLETE LIE! Deep down; way down; Way Way down deep deep deep way down inside her where no one can see; deep in the vails of her evil; I meant nothing to her; And that was the truth and the truwest person... She just got off on playing people like this; seeing how fare she could go getting away with it completely... No conscious no remorse; pure cut throat.. Deceptive sociopath...
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NOTE: Im working on creating a new life so I dont need people like this predator; I dont need memories of them. My goal is to get stronger then this; get over this insanity and get back on my feet again.
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ANd its this kind of memory of her Im trying to get rid of; meaning; the idea someone was so easy to talk to; No they weren't; this was faked. So I have to wake up from allot of this.
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NOTE: I almost act as if Im waiting for her to come back; But the reality is this; Ive prayed a thousand times in the past; She never came back; That's because she never loved me or felt anything for me; nor did she care less that she had met me; nor did she care less that she would ever see me again. If the universe wanted her back in my life; the Universe would have put her in my life; Never ever happened. Doubt it ever will; Doubt it ever needs to happen... I think the universe will help me move on from this.. This is a deep horrendous wound; decades old... And Decades dont matter... What matters is for this situation to be gone from my mind and nervous system and something new in its place; and thats what Im working toward; a new life... Let the old go please; Only because I first work with a higher power and its all under a personal higher powers direction; No humans direction; Not their business. That was a bit jumbled; So; Im working on creating a pathway for a new girlfriend and many other new goals...
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NOTE: First Love; True Love was a Narcissistic Criminal Sociopath with signs of psychopathy ( thats all they were). This is a Criminal and nothing more; and has to be treated as such. I was the victim of a crime; I was set up defrauded and violated by a family of criminal offenders. More so by the daughter of this family; However; the son from the family also added to this fraud and in is own right defrauded money out of work done for his family by one of my family members; the father in this family had a well known reputation as a pathological liar and a faulty business man; he was a construction contractor... A liar and con man who built faulty houses.
THeir son also caused great damage setting up women pathologically; He would befriend them; set them up as if he was going into a long term relationship; and use them and discard them; but in a brutal criminal fashion; Not violent... He would set them up as if he was going to marry them; THey believed him; nice girls from the community; They had no idea who this was; suddenly he would play them when they were already hooked and after wearing them down; defrauded them; discard them; throw them away... He did this habitually; it was no game and no joke; He caused massive damage to innocent people; His sister was no different. As for the Brother; These women that had no reason to not trust him actually believed they had a future with him... They were destroyed no doubt and left in a daze and confused state; maybe never trusting anyone ever again. He was a criminal mind offender; His mother was really no different; same thing. A sociopath.
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NOTE: This predator knew I was alone. Knew; as far as I can tell that I was in trouble mentally; Knew I had no one; nothing; it was just me alone; a perfect victim for the predator... Its easier for them to get away with it... And preditors think about this stuff... If the victim is alone or not... easy prey or not...
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NOTE: The deplorable complaint I have about this person is; anyone knows why I was there; around her; as she knew why I was around her... I wanted to build a relationship a friendship and a girlfriend and more; She played into the friendship part; faking the pure base of this; This I had no idea I was being faked... Her friendship was faked... Her mannerisms of interaction to a stranger were faked. When I first met her; the way she acted; to show some kind of normalcy or decency or relaxed trust; all faked. Almost like someone in a suit n tie walking into a bank to get a bank loan; they appear totally normal with good credentials; and they are a complete fake; a criminal sociopath; completely fooling the bank... The Forger; this bank criminal shows no signs of stress; everything is up n up and they act charming and normal; They are not; they are thieves trying to set up a bank; Non of the bank executives can tell; Nothing! And they are completely fooled. And its the same for me dealing with this young women. I was completely fooled into thinking she was one thing when she was a completely other person. It not because I was just naive; She was preying upon someone innocent; Thats what makes these psychopaths so hideous! Im lucky to be this far on this issue; This person was 100% fake... Im lucky to have studied what Ive studied to know what I know now... This whole thing is so hideous and this person predatorial... Im very lucky to be awake. This is the hardest part to get through; but writing about the truth of it; it helps to come to reality; that in reality; no real situation ever existed; meaning; no real relationship; I was just being played and defrauded.
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This girl I was interested in was a criminal; criminal minded; and I didnt even know it... And thats where the problem lies! I to was worn out found in a state dazed and confused and destroyed after dealing with her.
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So; the faster I can get on the side of the police department and the detectives; on the side of the law; The better; because once identifying with the law; the detective and being on the side of justice and the law; once that strengthens within me as identity; Suddenly I can see this clearly; This girl I was interested in was a dangerous sociopath who habitually set innocent people up and defrauded them; Ever getting near someone like this was a mistake; this was an offender personality; habitual; nothing will ever change... I need to work with the thoughts in my imagination of her; and learn to back away from her as fast as possible on all fronts... When I see a picture of her in my imagination; it needs to be immediately countered; split second timing backing away as fast and solid as possible; looking back to see every step slowly backing away... I need to back away into safe ground; well away from this criminal or anything they represent; as fast as possible... everytime... Because thats all this was; This was a criminal offender that found a victim to rob; ME! That's all this was. Many of these offenders in modern times are destroying others lives through narcissistic pathological frauding behavior. The criminal gets a kick out of it seeing how far they can drive someone into the ground and destroy them; their hopes and dreams... This is not a game; they cause massive amounts of relational future destruction for the Citizen and they destroy work ability and time loss and many other things because of the psychological state the victim is left in. The perpetrator does not care what condition the victim is left in or if the trauma is severe enough and the victim kills themselves; they dont care about that either.
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The faster I can see this person as a criminal to stay away from the better; and thus work with God; get back on track allowing God to work with me to find within a field of nice responsable ethical moral people; to find relationships for my future... I havent been around this person in many many Decades but they still control my mind and body and nervous system and choices... Trauma bonded; I could never let go; it was 2 much for me. Now I understand no one existed as Im wanting them to have existed. I allowed the lie to continue so I could stay in my dream world.
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NOTE: I did love being next to her and talking with her; I must remember; deep down within her at the deepest level was a contempt and hatred for me because she thought she was better then me; She was just leading me on to catch me at a moment she could pull the rug out on me... And thats all this was. No one really existed that sat next to me that I talked with and felt so comfortable; it was all staged. So; I have to come to grips with this and wake up; and I think I can; Im slowly coming 2. And learning to accept this. However; this one aspect is a hard aspect to deal with. I must still find my own self worth; with self and God... I am; I can do this. I am slowly waking up to being responsable.
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NOTE: The fraud based psychopath comes across as a nice person at first; they lay in wait for their game to catch momentum... they are waiting to hook the victim and once hooked they began the downfall of the victim.
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NOTE: Concerning friendship; This was the catalyst I was led on from; This was the whole of the catalyst purpose that was being exploited to set me up; it was like a timebomb; This sociopath slowly leads me on gaining my trust everytime Im around them; I slowly develop what looks like the beginnings of a friendship; and its this sensitive friendship this person is faking. They are leading me through it; using it; going along with; creating it; allowing it to be created; deeper and deeper and deeper; until Im in 2 deep; Im innocent and have no idea anything is wrong; at some point they will light the fuse and blow out or blow up the insides of me to point of completely demolishing and raping this main area of the inside of self..> I will be completely destroyed... They are doing this out of contempt and because they think they are superior to human beings and mainly because they feel they can get away with it and no one will find out; I was alone; and thus they figure they can get away with it... That was their only purpose for knowing me; to set up an innocent person and destroy them.... It was like walking into a bomb that exploded into my face and my nervous system. It left me cripple and unable to function anymore in front of things; I could not longer feel anything in front of me; or be present anymore... Pure forms of violent rape; thats what this is... O how I wish this had happened when I was older and I had a good set of lawyers... I gather enough evidence to put this person away behind bars for 20 years... Alas......
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ILL REPORT ON THIS; Also they did succeed in destroying me. Because of my work with the universe and the recovery process; it looks like I will get my ability; my innocent ability; that long line of ability to be friends; I will get it back... Its slowly coming back; THus; THey did not succeed... I was disabled for a long long long time... However; my ability to be innocent and friendly is coming back slowly; They did not win... God did... I did. So; Im getting back that ability; I will say this; at this point; This is a very hard thing to retrace and bring back my presents and strength forward with. Between the number of types of abuse including sexual abuse and abandonment and bulling and the many other horrors set upon me by my parents; and fake friends and finally to have someone purposely set me up in this broken condition to rape me; rape the insides of me; destroy me; This has not been an easy thing to regenerate; It felt for most of my life that I was beheaded in a sense; my nerve endings cut off; amputated... Like a bomb exploding in my face. My nervous system was not present in front of me anymore... Could not be present in front of me anymore; destroyed... Was led on; did not expect that... permanent damage.
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The idea that someone would do this to someone for the fun of it; a predator setting someone up like this; unimaginable; Rapist torture murder... Certainly their have been criminals through the years in different places that shoot people at gas stations and banks and other things for just a small amount of cash... and many other bad things happen to people. Its unfortunate I ran into this type of criminal. However; this damage that appeared to be permanent; I do see some strength returning or the ability to be present in this situation... I mean; one step at a time; its extremely disabled and marred and destroyed. Im still extremely damaged here. One might say I was killed here; but it seems some aspect of this with the universe behind it; seems to be showing signs that it can be worked and rebuilt now; slowly gradually in my imagination first.. Unbelievable. The fact that someone would want to destroy or rape the inside of someone's innocence like this is beyond me... So; Ill be about practicing; trying to being back these areas again... Its pure horror... However; that area that was destroyed; Now; within my imagination; I can see myself start to walk into that zone and attempt to put footprints down and walk in their a bit; its very confusing and hard and its hard to visualize in that destroyed area; but Im trying; I feel extremely disoriented.
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ITs tuff out here these days; Lots of criminals of different sorts running around trying to steal rob; rip run fraud rape and destroy for various goals and reasons. They always think they are above the laws of God man and the judicial system...
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Music; Ive created some simple pieces for performance; I dont need much to perform them; I have small venues I can perform them in. The next goal is to get them printed out; the music sheets and practice them until Im fairly good at them; memorized... Ill then go from their. Not sure when Ill face that aspect of this; the next step of memorization...
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GENERAL GOALS:
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Im working with the laws of attraction and the universe on strengthening the God pathways within my imagination... These pathways include goals that every adult probably wants a part of; House, career, car; For me; WIFE! Family; Money; lots of Money! Vacations, Hobbies, callings, and so on....
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Im working daily with new stories to build each desire; with the goal of believing they are already here; So much so they have to appear in front of me. For this to happen a frequency must be matched; and Im not at those levels of frequencies yet... Im not mature enough; And gaps reside between where Im at and these desires... So; Im working on these pathways strengthening my belief concerning their materialization... WOrk is work IS Work! So; lots of work here...
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GENERAL EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS; Mental health problems;
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First; Im interested in healing up... No relationship or women can or is suppose to fix any of this... I need not worry about new relationships until all of this is healed up; I feel stripped from my head to my waist; My nervous system... its like exposed; all the nerve endings. IT has to be shored up; closed up; covered up... I neath a strong sheath over all of it from the waist up; where Im protected again; Im healthy again... Its like being re skinned... from my waist to my head... getting my rubber protective suit on before I go outdoors... Where Im strong again; it will happen; Ill work with the universe on this.
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THE PAST:
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Im working on 4th grade 5grade; Looking to re-assign a new narrative to my life from those points into something new.
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6th grade
7th grade
8th grade
Looking to deal with these horrible years of being thrown away and discarded... and bullied to death... and un productive; what was I suppose to be doing during these years; will be working on this.
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9th t0 12th grade; Will deal with this later...
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Im working on the concept of maturity; old enough for my first Car; A car I manifest and buy myself; working with the universe; monies coming from the universe. Learning to believe...
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GRANDMA:
My Grandma didnt really care about who I am... She gave me money and a car to drive for college when young; but I cared but it didnt help any; i just wanted to die... I was dead inside; I didnt want to do anything; no one cared about me... I didnt know what to do; my mental condition was so bad all I could do was hide somewhere. I tried college; Id just go somewhere and flunk out and come back and hide; Hide in her basement; non functioning. SOon; thats all I could do... I could not function; could not work No interest in trusting anyone for a relationship; To severed; nothing! So; I had nothing and no interest in anything. So; it was all a waist; I mean. Ya; some tried to help me I guess; but they never cared who I was or my condition; nothing! and I mean; I was right in front of them and they could care less; I appreciate the option of having someone pay for those things; I really do; but it did little good. I couldn't do anything; I finally ran to the nut house to get help...
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NOTE: Interesting; Grandma payed for my car insurance when I was young; I cared; but could show nothing; I wasn't present anymore; I was mentally ill. I wasn't mentally home and didn't care about anything; I refused to pay car insurance because no one was going to control me... What's interesting; I was never the one paying the car insurance in the first place; she was... It didn't matter either way; she was always paying it; she could have paid it the whole time. I acted as if it was my money; as if I had earned it and chose not to pay. Im wondering what kind of dis balanced dream world I was living in... I was so far gone.. never to come back... However; Im now coming back... slowly!
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Today; working with a higher power; I'm interested in learning how to pay for it. It would be the first time in my life I would develop this kind of attitude and move forward with it; a responsable attitude.
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I want to be responsable; I want to pay for my own car insurance; Ill talk to God bout it.
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GIRLFRIENDS:
So; riding my bike downtown; I have notice many women; it is summer time or almost... springy time...
Ive noticed the type of girl I really really like; and she is a really nice introvert kind of smart intellectual women... Nice kind; the kind you find in the library working on something... Nice...
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I saw a few women down town like this... and they stood out for me. ANd Ill pray about all of that...
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The 12 step meetings are getting exceptionally bad... Meaning; more criminal like; I suppose they have always been that way; Im much much older now; so; I would like to attend other kinds of meetings... Ill have to work with the universe on this.
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Im feeling much better; I mean; its crazy... I was in a meeting sharing; and its like; Almost all the past is cleared up and smooth now. And its crazy. I mean; Im like; How can this be! But I have done the work like I was told in numerous and various ways... The universe helping me. And all of of it is mostly cleared up... I mean; its just not there!
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Ive never felt this way in recovery... A huge mound is gone... It just is; its like air now! Its not perfect yet; I have a long way to go...
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I still have allot of work dealing with First Love; The work is about writing dialog to her as if she is one character on paper and Im the other and I talk with her and tell her all the things I was going to tell her when I knew her... and I am getting closer to going into who I really am; something I was scared to tell her...
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I am very lucky to out of that mess; Those were some of the worst people on earth; pure murder'rs.... My God!
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THey are somewhere south of me 10000000 miles away; and I am here; so they cant hurt me... I can talk and write about them and dialog with them on paper through my imagination and work everything out safety from my home computer without ever leaving my room.
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Car stuff; Well; Im working on it; Getting it moving; it will take allot; it has to come up to speed and Ive not been up to that maturity level to deal with the requirements of such things. Ill keep working with the universe...
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I believe Im getting better because God wants me in the here n now in the present; and thats exactly whats happening... Im much more in the present then ever ever ever before.. I mean; its crazy... Not perfect tho; not yet; If and when I do I can start creating some of those new desires... Under Gods care...
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