July 2025
June 2025
I guess Im reporting in;
I had all kinds of dreams when young of growing when I got old enough; maybe at the age of 10 and on or 12 and on into 13 or something; thats not what happened.
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I was destroyed; thrown away first.
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Recently; With half my life spent hiding and learning to unhide myself in the recovery process; almost; Im now starting to grow again; maturity; its like being a child or teenager who is growing into their adult selves; they are growing.
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I am now growing; or seeing it in my mind and slowly wondering or allowing; Im starting to grow again.
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Its strange; Non of it is like when I was young; my thoughts on growing; mainly because its a half century later and Im in a totally different world; but Im the same and its the same spiritual time period and age( But in a new age) Im now back to growing again. Its like being a teenager in a safe environment ( Not completely safe); a loving environment and growing again. FOr how long and in what way; I don't know. ITs all new to me to be in this place at this time...
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CAR( transportation): I predict that at some point Ill grow past this giant wide gap of traumatic scarring landscape of mental break downs; And find myself at an age for a car or answers for transportation; and when that happens; Ill have to get wheels; I must; I wont have any other choice. I wont be able to go backwards; I would have grown into a larger more open world... I can see it. But; Ill have to deal with the perilous gap that befronts me. ( a gap resides where Im at right now and a car; a car is at the end of the chain.. Its a long wide gap; its an adolescence teenage and young childhood gap) ( I feel like Im going from cub scouts at 8 years old to ROTC In Hi School).
Im literally going over surface areas of my own death; different colors of death from different time periods where I was slaughtered. Its rough ground. Im feeling it; getting lost in it; I remember it... Im walking over it getting triggered by it. It will be a long while until I come to the other side of it; but this time; Im a different person; a bit better off. And Ill be laying track over it and walking bridges at some point when I get to the otherside; all in my imagination. And I'l hook up the first bridge and start walking of this long gap... I have much work to do in this area to get it strengthened...
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RELATIONSHIPS>
I go through God; God is driving the bus; not me; but I am praying and dreaming and telling God what I want; I go to God for what I want; God filters into the outside world and brings it to me... I blinding wait upon God and dont get involved. My job is to get more aligned with God; And wait upon God...
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Ill keep at it; keep writing up what Im looking for in someone. Nice; sweet; kind caring; understanding and so on. Someone that loves me and wants my love. I want to love them; just like I always wanted to love my mother. Moral; ethical... decent; loyal... Ill work with God on it@
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HERES THE DEAL>
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Today; Ill work with GOd so the next person Im with is not just a substitute for a mother I never had; ANd what i mean is; using her as a practice session for my emotions to develop for my mother. Im not hiring a therapist; THis is supposed to be a girlfriend... What Im trying to say it; If my issues are resolved then I can focus on her; and the reason Im around her is; I like her; not because she services some need I have. I mean; its almost pathological when it comes to needs; Im pathological...
THe key is to find or work with God on attracting a nice girl.. nothing else will work... A decent nice person...
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I want to be over my mother issues first so I can meet someone and focus on who they are not what they can do for me...
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MY MOTHER; Im asking God to teach me how to love my mother... How to really connect with her and feel connected and loved and loved by her; but for me to love her; How can I love my mother to a point that Im back to normal about this subject; Thats what Im working on now... Ill write stories about loving my mother... What ever it takes; prayer and meditation..
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FIRST LOVE: I had 2 desires for my first love;
1. I wanted to love her with all my heart; I told myself; Ive been around her parents and shes not loved; Im going to love her and take care of her.
2. She is one of us. Deep down shes a sweet sensitive girl just like Im a nice guy; Im going to bring her into a sensitive world of love she she can be a sensitive being loved person...
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I WAS WRONG;
She was not a sweet nice sensitive girl just like Im a nice guy; She did not have a desire to be pulled into a more sensitive loving situation... and certainly not by me. And she did not have any problems with her parents... ( I spent the whole time thinking)( I had no real idea whom I was dealing with; I never asked or discussed it with the person). In fact; the person was a complete stranger. I was guessing; My whole interest in the person was based on what I saw; her behavior... One sickening reality here; This person had no problem seducing an innocent person into being destroyed. They had no concious about it.. I did not take that into consideration and I will pay a horribly gruesome price for this. I was not dealing with a nice person; I will not be able to take this wicked individual and change them... They will not be changing; they will end up just as evil in the end of my time with them as they were when I met them; They had no concious; that was the problem; they will not be gaining any personality change by the time I leave.
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NOTE: Most importantly about First Love; I did not attract her.. I went to her. She was not attracted to me nor ever went out of her way to seek me find me or associate with me; nothing. She used this concept or played this against me the whole time. In fact; everything was played against me the whole time; I seemed to be the last one to see it; ( THis person didnt want me. GO HOME)! I just didnt want the messages that were being sent to me. It was almost like dealing with a black widow spider; The spider kept nudging me to leave but I wouldn't take the message. iT continued to try to understand what I was doing in its realm. I would try some advances on it; but I would stop because I was inconsistent because something told me things were not prepared right; I was not safe. And because of this; nothing ever really happened... At some point; the spider will bite; they'd had enough... THey were evil; and off to practice it; They cared not whom I was; I was just another nameless visiter...
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NOTE: THis is a kind of gruesum way of putting this; but just like a "John" who falls in love with a re visiting prostitute; I was finding the same similar kinds of girls and then falling in love with them; girls that were impossible to fall in love with. However, Like the prostitute; Regardless of whom the prostitute really is; its impossible situation for the " John"; They never met under honorable conditions... And the prostitute has no interest in the " John"; I mean; probably money for their drug habit...
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NOTE: ITs like; I am or was the kind of guy who would fall in love with bank tellers.. She was nice to me; so I thought I had a chance.. When in reality; No one available; they are just being nice; Im a stranger they have to deal with. THis is exactly what happened or happens in my life or has; with women. In general. I was never in situations to meet anyone.
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NOTE: THink of a guy meeting a married women who is nice to him. She is nice; she is not available.
My First Love and many others I met were never available. In my first loves case; It was trickery. I was being set up and fooled or tricked by a criminal minded individual. I think the hardest part is admitting I put myself into a situation like that in the first place; falling for that fantasy of the girl next door routine.
The sociopath doent care either way; they dont care about me. I mean nothing to them. I meant nothing to them from the start.. I made a big mistake... I was seduced. I was miss led... I was seduced by the idea I was dealing with a nice girl. But she never told me she was a nice girl; I made all of it up in my head so I would have a reason to show up again; when I was never dealing with a nice person...
The goal today is to get over slowly and move on... Work with GOd.
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NOTE: WOrking closely with God is the key... Looking at my behaviors around others and seeing what pulls me into toward them; what my needs are and how Im responding to them...
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I have to work with God and trust God; and have God bring people to me. I no longer go to them. Attraction not promotion... its to dangerous... However; thats up to GOd.
She did not need my love either way... and she did not need me or value me at all. I meant nothing to her; she never wanted to meet me in the first place.
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I will work with GOd this time on relationships with the idea that I have never had one.. And Ill just start over with the instructions from GOd... Stay under Gods umbrella...
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RELATIONSHIPS:
I think Im going to look at this situation as; Im the kind of guy who goes to the bank and falls for the bank teller; because thats all Ive ever met. THey are nice; and I thought I had a chance with them; but they were actually just being nice to me because that is their job. And finding this out; Now what do I do.
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So; Ill simply start at this place; the bank teller dysfunction... Ill look at what got me here in this life; and what I can do about it to make some life changes...
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So; thats the best way to sum up my love life...
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DOING THE WORK;
Im getting to the point of wanting to wake up; Go past the sexual abuse and the brainwashing of my parents and other victimizers...
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So; I have to do the work; and thats what Im getting built up for or to do... thats all this has been about; feeling good enough about myself and my surroundings to come back to reality so i can do something for myself; to live my life. Thats what im working on.
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I have a brutal negative view of myself when it comes to relationships activities and things in the world; attachment to anything; its non existent... Im learning or working with God to learn how again and how to trust again... So I can connect again to life; Working with a higher power first... God must come first and then from God comes those things I dream about...
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What does this mean; Meditation first; then very slowly I put out maybe just a second or a flash of what I want... I say only a second because I may have only a second before the negative attacks... So; one second of positive...
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ANyway; Transportation is a huge issue of negativity; Relationships; I have to let go of what I remember from the past and those I thought I was suppose to love and start over; this time with GOd... learning to take it to God first..
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