July 2025
June 2025
Im getting better; stronger; Its been happening as Ive been working with God on FIRST LOVE issues... I knew many changes would occur if I could ever get intouch with those memories and feelings again; they were all buried in and from ancient time... I held on to those deep feelings within myself for half a century it seems.. The trauma associated with them was to brutal; my mind would not let them surface so I could deal with them; I become amnesic from all of this and many other things; walking around dissociated from reality...
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Im getting better because my first love issues are resolved?; resolving; getting resolved.. a flow is opening and letting down the floodgates... And the blue water is splashing by... So; the energy is being released... its flowing outward...
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I have a better understanding and Im much more present in areas I was not... concerning my first love and my life and my original life's purpose.
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My mother; I did want to love her all my life..
My First Love; I wanted to love her all my life...
My first love experience was a tragic mistake...
My first best friend when a child was a tragic mistake...
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I was attracting the wrong people.
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In both cases of FIrst Love and Best friend when younger; Neither were telling me the truth of who they were; they were both spoiled entitled types who lied to me ( they were imposters). They were just using me from the start; they felt they were better than me. That was all the value I had to those creeps. These were bad people I somehow made a mistake associating with.
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My first love; I remember seeing her with her parents and saying to myself; "No one loves her". I will love her completely..." She needs to be loved and I will love her". Unfortunately I was actually never invited to make that judgment in the first place. Whether she needed to be love or not? No one knows!; "No one said" "This my business." I ended up loving the wrong person...
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When young; I spent my time with a kid I met at 5 years old; later; I would consider him closer then a brother and he was my best friend; And I felt that way into later childhood.
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How did he feel about me!!
He considered me nothing nothing. I never knew this. He was just using me for momentary quick outings. He had no real interest in being my friend... I never knew... Horrible horrible let down; unbelievable sickening people; this kid and his parents; pure evil; I became aware that somehow I had attracted the devils family.
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The first girl I loved?
Pure evil; that's what I become aware of.. God did not send me to her house; I did that on my own!
However; the most important aspect that was brought to my mind lately; I WANTED TO LOVE HER...
When it came to my best friend when a kid; I wanted him to have a best friend like me; that was closer then a brother... The problem was; he thought he was better then me; to be someone's brother or best friend or anything. I did not understand; the person I was with was play acting the role of best friend; he was an imposter... This person who was hanging around me was never supposed to be in my life. I never did meet the real person that was supposed to be my best friend.
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THe other revelation concerns my mother. I wanted from the beginning of life to love my mother... And if I could do it over; I would have loved her anyway from a distance but held up that fierce love for her; not let her psychopathy based ASPD personality stop me from loving whom I wanted to love... I would have had to do it from a distance and with Gods help. For the beginning of my childhood I did; from a distance.
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My Goal is to love.
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IM GETTING BETTER: STRONGER;
Im healing up... It will be a long while but Ive gotten better... Im in the middle of getting better stronger.
My work with God is getting more inline.
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I would like a car and a girlfriend and Im letting God do this for me... Im kind of moving into a space where I do things for myself; Im not a victim anymore Kind of? Thats the idea; but actually im crippled person mentally; I learn to take responsibility with spiritual tools to work with the universe to manifest things. Im learning how to do that at a smoother level then before... Im a beginner just learning.
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I want to start over. When a small child; I had fake friendships. I was around fake people.
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Car and Girlfriend;
The key now is to work with the universe... Keep working with the universe. The problem with a girlfriend and a car is; I dont believe; nor do I think Im good enough nor do I know if I could handle it. My inner personality being so shaky... I would have to heal up; Id have to be with someone who understands my situations and doesnt cause me any problems...
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As for the car; its the same thing; the outlook is negative and I want all of that worked out; all aspects of having a car... before I start creating the concept of a car in my imagination.
This is all a God thing to get me back into life again... being able to face it....
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WHAT IS MOST TROUBLING;
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I needed to love my mother; I wanted to love my mother; Ill take this to GOd...
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I wanted to Love My FIrst Love; Im not sure she ever needed me to love her... I made a mistake; I had the right I idea; but the wrong address ( the wrong person); It hurts; Ill take this to God and get things rearranged.
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I need to love; The goal is the same; My future is about loving someone; another women. Ill take this to God..
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The above stuff about love needs to be worked out.
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I spent along time emotionally silent from my mother; If I had known the spiritual principle of always love my mother but from a safe distance working through God... I would have worked with the universe on this. As Im going to work with the universe on this right now.
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FIRST LOVE: ITs weird and a little Heartbreaking; Finding out I was in the wrong household doing the right thing.. it all ended up backward because; IT WORKED. My first Love broke; The love I felt for her did affect her and she gave in a bit; softened up a bit; But; That is the problem; She was still a dangerous sociopathic type individual. I had made her out to be this safe soft sensitive girl of faith, values, and loyalty; This actual person was non of these... The actual sociopath I was displaying my affection toward was a pathological opportunist with no values and no concious... Female gangsters need luv to!
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Did God send me to this Gangster Girl to help her; NO! I doubt it! God would not send me to a pathological murder'r type; That makes no sense.
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I never did make it to the actual young women God had in mind ( I never met her). THats possibly because I was going in the wrong direction. I had the right idea but I was not going in the direction God wanted for me. So.....
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This is the goal now.
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1. Learn to love my mother everyday even tho she is no longer here... Ill work with God on this...
2. Talk to God about the mishap mistaken identity of my First Love; THere was no real first love; WRONG PERSON; WRONG HOUSEHOLD. I went to the wrong house old to love the wrong girl at the time. That has to get straitened out... I have to make my way out of that house back to where I started... Meaning; in my imagination; I make my way back to my house to my room; get on my knees ( Im in High School; High school age); Get on my Knees; and pray to God about what direction I go to serve God and where I end up; I may have ended up going to a church for a while; and start there... Ill pray about where I was suppose to go.
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What about my FIrst Love; Am I suppose to just forget about her and claim it was all a mis understanding; like I was never suppose to meet her; YES; Im afraid so; She was someone I was not suppose to meet. Ill talk to God about the best way to handle this.
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I wanted a best friend when I was a very young boy; And I did not end up with one; Instead I ended up with a fake substitute that was scamming me; and his family will end up using me like Im inferior material. So; Ill talk to God about loving a best friend closer then a brother when Im younger and see who shows up; who was I suppose to meet; I must love tho.
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As for the fake person who stole my best friends position when young; ill talk to God about getting him out of there.. Ill ask GOd; what am I suppose to do with the memories of being around the wrong person... How do I backtrack; get rid of that persons memories and start over again to imagine Im with the right people.
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SO:
1. Love my mother
2. Backtrack away from this fake first love; pull back; go home pray about who I was really suppose to meet... and pray about loving her...
3. Love the person I never met that was suppose to have been closer then a brother to me when young; a best friend I never met. And backtrack and get rid of all memories associated with the fake best friend that showed up in his place...
Something like that.
4. Who am I suppose to love now! Ill continue to work on praying about loving my future wife.... She will be my girlfriend first. Ill pray about how to do that... allowing that. Ill work with God on how to love someone and prepare for it; Its a bit stressful and scary... Ill learn to work with God on this not hide from God... its a bit scary... I dont want to get hurt again. I got ripped to pieces in all this from the past.
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NOTE: I Was not working with GOd when young; I was 2 young and traumatized and alone. I was kind of working with God in OFFLINE Mode! God were working with me; but I did not have a working strong relationship as I do now when dealing with the outside world and its problems.
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I will also pray for myself right now. How do I handle the present moment of things...
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IN THE PRESENT: HANDLING THE PRESENT:
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So; Dealing with the present; what am I suppose to do in the present; Getting it all worked out.
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I have turbulence in the present; Im not sure what direction spiritually Im suppose to go... I guess; keep going to 12 step meetings. im not sure what Im suppose to pray for or work toward; a new life im not sure about yet; Ill pray for that.
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I will pray for;
1. New Girl Friend
2. Car
3. Music creation experience
4. Art creation experience
5. Using my Hobbies everyday...
6. Praying about the past; Getting it straightened out; In a sense its been figured out; but Im not sure its straitened out yet...
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Ill pray for a working life... And direction!
Our partner
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