July 2025
June 2025
I have allot of male friends or cohorts; chums and others.... Im awake enough from trauma these days; Im starting to get inundated by their information; their information concerns work; car; wife kids vacations n such...
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Im starting to slowly wake up to rebuilding a new life. I thought about driving again; a car and Ive thought about emotionally based relationships. Im slowly heading toward these things. A gap resides where Im at and where I want to be. A maturity gap or gulf resides above me. THe years old of a mature person; Im not there yet... Im just waking up where im at; I feel like a 13 year old slowly waking up with a bunch a brothers around him.. As I wake up I hear what they are feeling and talking about; so; being alive again is what Im getting out of this. Its allot of feedback Im getting; just hanging around them.
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Trauma; I wake up to a point of new relationships; it means Ive been able to handle the LOSS of the last ones; and their it really is; Grief... But Im getting stronger and it will show up; the ability to move beyond grief.. its starting to show up; but I cant go online yet.. impossible. Im still offline. it will be awhile. my mind is full of those time periods of loss; Ive so many years of being thrown away and its sorrowful losses.
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In the meetings I talk about everything; Once Ive been able to talk enough and get it out on the table and slowly get stronger; I dont have to talk about it anymore; its like my goals got brought back into reality...
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Many people dont take me seriously when I talk about a wife or girlfriend or car; they've heard all of this so many times for years... However, they dont know me... So it doesn't matter!
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At some point Ill be able to remember those times when I was present right before I was destroyed or in loss; In fact; Im already their... Im starting to remember... So; I need more of this to handle more.
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Ive got young childhood; middle childhood; late childhood; Horrible junior high years and High school; car thoughts... Performing music.. Lots of things... occupation stuff; future goals; I mean; a whole world was stripped from me.
Im choosing to stay awake right now... its not easy; Im dissociating all over the place.
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It will happen.
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CAR; So; when it comes time for a car; Gods got to supply the money; And this I go into Gods realm through meditation; I stay there and put the idea of a car out into orbit and then let it go while in the middle of Gods care ( meditation). And let the hands of God go forth and pic out what Im suppose to head toward and stay out of it...
im learning and will learn how to get close to God; imput what I want; then close down my brain and feed everything. Let God do his work.
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My job is use techniques to bring my belief Im getting what I want.
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The hardest part is maintaining while I re experience First Love and the loss.. and my childhood family and the loss; and sexual abuse and the loss; my schooling destroyed and dreams; all lost.. My future lost... everything lost; Ill re experience all of it..
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When I hit that frequency; Ill re experience all of it... thats what Im afraid of.
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Strangely at this point; the loss of my first love will be devastating; Ill start thinking about christmases when I was a kid and how I thought she should be with me later in life; but Ill get through that... Im wondering for a second if all the other losses are going to be worse. Ill have to experience them.
However; Ive rebuilt and am stronger then before; and can also remember and see the good things Im not losing even those the past may be gone; Im not losing so much because Im back...
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SO; I connect with God; through out an idea; shut my mind off and feel; and let God handle the rest of the work and I stay still.
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