July 2025
June 2025
My human state through my life from the beginning was ( Fraud created by others)pure neglect at many areas; including development; love. I was used by my mother and father when very young. Played with as a child; but when that's over with; ignored. And all schooling was ignored. And I was ignored by my mother the whole time as much as possible. My father played with me up to age 6; By age 7 he starts receding away. WHy? Im getting old enough to tell when someone is taking advantage of me.... or using me... Manipulating me...
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I was thrown away in the 5th grade; No one cares. Ill be destroyed in many ways and thrown away by institutions and people up through the beginning of my life.
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Ill be sexually abused
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First Love; a Sociopath; she will also go into that realm of closeness with me; that inner safe space; she will play me as if she is a friend in order to get that close; where its person; But she is a fake; and is doing it for no other reason then a thrill kill to see if she can get that close to someone and get away with it!
I have no value to a sociopath with no concious... Ever; The problem is; I was violated the same as being raped by this Fake Girlfriend? ; it was violating that special personal inner space where I have to feel safe.. THey know what their doing; Jackals like this or rapists murder'rs; its all the same for those types... THe point is; it was like being Raped again.
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So; I have allot of violations from allot of people.. And I ended up completely in a mental dissociated strait jacket; schizophrenic like... Non functioning. Way to much brutal psych trauma; I was just a kid through all of it..
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THEPOINT:
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Here I am now; slowly coming out of it into a new realm for myself; In this new life; I get to use my imagination. I will learn to use my imagination for what I want.. I will imagine what I want as if Im involved in it right now; as if I've already got it! Ill be able to describe it; what's in my imagination; How I want to live my life; With whom; what kind of finances. What would I like in this life; what would I like to be doing.
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All of these questions; I was heading down this path at the beginning of my life before criminal monsters got involved..
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THe point is; Im back. Or almost back; Im still mental; but part of me functions enough to want things...
The 12 step work ive done; Im slowly getting stronger; strong enough to head out into the outer world; Not yet. But getting close her. A large gap resides between where Im at and being ready for the outside world.
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In a sense; I woke up; found myself on my own; and now my child level life and feelings are trying to wake up; I can see them within me; but they are not outside yet; Im still paranoid of such things. However; Im stronger then ever concerning this idea; and will work on it. Slowly learning to climb up the ladder; to that higher frequency... and depart from the Pirate ship Ive been sailing on; Now; its landed and Its time to get off and come a shore; but first I have to learn how to imagine what I want and let it come to me.
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BIGGEST PROBLEM;
Bringing my imagination thoughts for "Here n Now" Into my imagination for the here n now.. The goal is to have a picture of what I want in my mind; as if its here now; as if I can ride it; buy it; play it; play with it; talk to it; ride in it.. and so on....Draw with it... Live in it; create within it.
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I have allot of fear; not yet worked out for this; so; ill be working on that... Fear of opening my imagination again.
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My condition has allot to do with regaining my childhood back and starting over again as if I have no history; And thats kind of what's happened here; In a kind of clinical way; Ive worked through the resentments of my past and many other aspects of my past and thus; I get to start over with being real and me again... I don't have much else; Everything else got cancelled out from 4th step recovery work; working with resentments...
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THe only thing I need is the ability to put a thought into my imagination that represents what I want right now... And really be in that space and that place as I imagine something I want; really believe and feel it; as its real.
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The idea of getting the thoughts into my head; imagination and focusing on them and experiencing them in my imagination; thats where the work its.
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NOTE: Getting close to moving on into Phase 12...
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