August 2025
July 2025
So; Im now left with the idea of; the concept of manifestation; To manifest a car; is a goal; but more importantly; To learn how to manifest the idea that " I can afford a car"; That is what Im looking for; to manifest...
And this is a harder apple from the tree... Its an apple that sits higher up on the branches and is harder to get at. Ill have to work with the universe to adapt...
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I great attitude is what I want to manifest.
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In my past life it was; Poor me; Poor me; Pour me another Drink! Today; I dont want to live by that mantra anymore; I dont need to be a victim today. Im not looking to be a victim today. However, I was a victim or victimized down my pathway as a boy; horribly; and those scars come up; THey get triggered...
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My interest is in completely going down this pathway concerning a car and see what God comes up with.
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Money is also something to manifest; Ill be looking into that as well.
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A gap and a bottle neck occur in this area of the pathways concerning a car... So; I have allot to work on and learn.
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Neglect is one of the main horrors of dealing with this subject; Instead of a mother an father helping me; I was discarded long before a car would be in my life... And I had no one and no help; nothing! thrown away.
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This is a very important manifestation; The work; or the long strength to continue this work to change my attitude about getting a car; from " I cant" to; " I can afford it". THe independent work Id have to do with the universe to change and over come my feelings about it and my story. That I not be a victim anymore surrounding this story. On the other hand; I learn to manifest the right people for the job.
A big gap resides between where Im at and the desired outcome....
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When it comes to Cars; it triggers me back the beginning of my life; so the best way to start envisioning the idea of a car; I would start out with pictures of something that makes me happy; Not even focus on cars yet. and just kind of build up to it! At some point; start visualizing a car in my imagining.
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This is a time period of defeat loss sadness and grief; during those years where one gets a car for the first time.
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So; Its a big affair; However; I have to learn to get this animal back onto its right size; ITs like this huge thing that cant be done. And I need to step out into the pathway and work with God on heading toward this manifestation. THis manifestation must be brought back into a decent level of perspective; its like this giant defeat that I cant overcome because its way over my maturity level...
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NOTE: Safety is of the day; that is the main big problem; I was never safe during those years; starting after 5th grade or during 5th grade; No safety; no one on my side...
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I have many different maturity levels within; many time periods of gaps where I did not grow; I was neglected.
THe idea of a Car is during one of those large long periods of neglect where I was discarded... This lots of anger down that allay way!
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The idea of a car; I having a car; this part of self was always owned by someone else.
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At this time; before a boy gets a car; I lived with my father at age 10; and then had to move away because he couldn't take care of me; but its the beginning of being thrown away; its starts at age 9.
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So; Wanting a car; First thoughts; WHen Im a young boy; Im thinking; my father will take me under his wing and build a car with me when Im old enough; or older; Nothing will ever happen; Ill be thrown away.
So this subject of car; has a tremendous amount of fear associated with it.
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Im not sure how to proceed with it; SO; Ill just take it to God and start working on the idea of it going down my pathway; my GOd Pathway... Just get things started.
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I can see problems from age 10 to 16; every trigger amanagable circling around a car and its meaning and use and the maturity level of ownership of a car.
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I never made it to that maturity level.
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I would say that maturity level of owning a car as a teenager; Im looking to gain that maturity level for myself in my old age right now.
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Work on this issue; dealing with this time period; growing into the reality of this; working with my higher power will be nothing but great for me; especially if I can get over the idea that anyone owes me anything. Ill have to work with God on how to become a person adequate for this level of human experience and success.
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The idea here is success at this level of maturity time period... meaning; the teenage time period I missed. I would ask God to help me do this over again and this time; im in charge; Gods in charge co creating my life with me. I have my own support; and no other from the past; nothing.
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Im Angry just talking about it; abuse being triggered...
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NOTE: Ill also be praying for the right people and helpers and spiritual guides that will help on all fronts that are needed...
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Other areas of my life are coming about;
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Women; Well; First; I found out a most important imperative with women; I cant be touched and I go into a shock; a anxiety level shock when they are very close to me physically in a personal way... for a varied length of time. Ive got an anxiety problem when they are near me... And Im scared to death of having someone up on my lap and in my arms; only to see them in someone elses arms at a later date; nothing causes more deep pain then talorating this.
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So; Women are showing up around me... Im talking to them. Im getting much closer....
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I have to learn how to tell a women; sit down with her; tell her who I am; where I came from; where Im going. Its like telling someone my identity; when I can feel comfortable with this... Im getting very close.
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However; when I women shows up around me very physically close and stays close; I start getting nervous and scared.
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SO; Ill be asking God for experiences with women up close. Ill be asking God for the courage to talk to women about this problem...
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Ill be asking God for starter situations; Girls( Women) as friends; Girls as girlfriends (Dating women for romantic reasons). Meaning; WOMEN! Adult women.
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NOTE: Main problem to start with is asking women to sit down with me and talk; So I can tell them who I am; where Ive been; where Im going; I would like the confidence to take chances in this areas and work on it.
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MUSIC AND ART:
ITs busted through; its come into reality; its questionable and weak; its solid but low key? Very low key; can I sustain music and art this time. GOd has brought me meditations dealing with creativity; So; its possible for me to learn to bring a number of other elements related to art music stuff; into my realm on a daily basis; allowing me to get into all this... make a commitment... kind of thing.
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Ive just dabbled all my life; no real skill or focus on anything. I cant play a long; Ive spent my entire life dreaming it away. or mentally ill or at some shorter level time periods; drunk n stoned...
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So; Ive never made a commitment to anything or ever really looked solidly at being good at anything; So; Im starting to want to look into changing some of this very very slowly; its all scares; the interaction process of all this. it triggers dissociative disorder and PTSD; its to close. However; Ill work with God on whats necessary to get the job done on these processes of interest.
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MONEY: Ill be working on manifestation experiments and see what happens.
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