July 2025
June 2025
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A general inventory of where I'm at...
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The Phase serious is about 2 things; Performing and creating my own music and a girlfriend.
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1. Getting my interest in the Arts underway or corrected or aligned to a point of productivity in the studio and finished products of different levels out into the world... That means Art pieces and performing my music creations live; that is the goal; to create and produce creative products sending them out into the world where I perform them or hang them in gallery somewhere; That is the goal. To create music; perform it live. And to get a girlfriend...
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2. Relationships; The goal of a girlfriend.
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A: Im much closer; I have a better understanding. A girlfriend means many things; it means my personality is back into a healthy state and I feel fairly good inside and good about myself... It means; I've looked at all the blocks holding me back from society from the past and I've worked through most or all the walls to a point. And most have been worked through thoroughly; not all.. Im more ( back-in-the-present);
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A Girlfriend represents; a symbol to me; To have a girlfriend means; I'm back in society again; Iv made it; I have a certain percentage of functionality in society... Im able to function in society; Look; I have a girlfriend! ; Im able to (basic-roam... Be out and about in the city) Im able to establish a relationship; or attempt to and keep at it with a plan to have intimacy. Im able to work with God and create and manifest what I want; down Gods Pathway... Im able to understand that I ATTRACT. What I want manifests down the God Pathway; It appears.. I attract it. The key is; I have to be mature enough for it or at its frequency. I have to believe. I have to believe I already have it... Overcoming doubt..: And a way exists on how to overcome doubt.
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B: The second half of Girlfriend is; Understanding exactly what i'm going after; ( what kind of women am I interested in; what kind of attributes does she have).
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Aslo; its the understanding of my history of girlfriend and attempted girlfriends and what went wrong... I want to learn from history and not repeat it again. I want to handle it differently then before and handle it not alone; Im going to have major support help...
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C: Attracting and going after someone new and all it entails:
I understand from the past I was looking for a (friend Within a girlfriend); And that friend I would develop into a best friend and soulmate and make into a wife; GOd willing! This means I change into what I need to change into: the frequency of whom Im looking for as I attract her. This means learning how to attract sufficiently enough to manifest her. But who is ( Her); I might have a new idea of (Her); vs the old way of doing things from the past; How I met women. I think new women that I attract are going to be the opposite of what I was attracting when young. The women of old I attracted were based on looks and popularity. The new women Im interested are value for their introverted intellectualism; Library girls.
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When young; I was attracting women that wanted to manipulate men to get what they wanted. They did not want a man as a friend; they wanted a man as a status figure head that was a supplier for large family wealthy formations. These women did not care about friendship or getting involved personally; they had no interest in being friends with people or the man they married. THey were a type of tribe of mean people that hung around mean people. I made the mistake of thinking that deep down they must have been lonely sensitive Throw Aways that were never appreciated or loved. I thought I would find a Gem within their hearts that if I could discover it; they would be flawlessly dedicated to me for the rest of their lives because I discovered them; and thus; seeing my worth; they would always appreciate me and never leave me. However; That is not what happened; I made a big mistake. Real sensitive people do not stay around mean people, or abusive people; Sooner or later they are at odds with abusive people and dont want to hang around abusive people; they rebel and decide to seek outside help. Or they try to attempt to kill themselves and seek outside help or are forced to seek out help.. THey may not function anymore as human beings; so; they must seek out help.
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In my dealing with these mean people ; They turn out to be arrogant, spoiled and entitled. THey dont have any problems. I end up in confusion; especially if I have put out my time and effort to show my interest in building a friendship...
I found they really didnt have any value for FRIENDSHIP concepts. They did not have real friends; they had fake popular based acquaintances; building up to maybe the shell of the concept of the idea of FRIEND> THese were Evil people.
I wanted so badly to save them; to love specific people; break them of their interest in evil and show them I loved them so much I was going to save them. It didnt work.
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1. Did I attract them; After I found them and love bombed them assertively; Yes; Their-form-of; Rudimentary attraction! I attracted them! They are Like a Vampires; I had Vampires attracted to me. How does a Vampire feel? WHat do they feel like when they are attracted to something... Is it the same as a human being...
2. Were they my friends; No! THey were hooked to me; I could have dated them; but its based on there need to feed; Not Higher level Ethical Plato style philosophies. These Vampires were never thinking of higher level life problems within an independent Platonic form clouds that appear above the rest of humanity; They were not blind in a cave trying to visualize the world outside the cave... Such deeper aspects of life held no value for them; Nor would they need them.
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3. Did they respond to physical interest; Yes; IF I chased after them and showd I was interested in them; they did respond. I could become their boyfriend; and I believe I could marry them; they would Marry me!
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4. Did they give me fierce loyalty; YEs/No! It appeared yes; I won them over. However; is this an honest assessment of a Vampire with fierce loyalty; No! Vampires are Liars; they do not adhere to principles of fierce loyalty; Meaning; They have no Loyalty to their potential fierce loyalty... Can they be trusted; absolutely not. Can they look like they can be trusted; Completely; They can pull of the idea of loyalty so well; I will think Ive made a friend for life; unfortunately the vampires life fake friendship span consists of how long they are with me. The problem is; the life of my relationship with them will be very short... They will discard me at some point; but first they will grow out of their innocent shell and begin to seek (larger-then-life Evil)! At some point they will abandon the principles they appeared with; they will end up lawless with no morality; and at that point; Im discarded... Something like that?
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So; Are they my friends? No! Can they really ever be friends; No?
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To sum this up; Can a wild adult Possum or porcupine in the middle of the street at night time wandering; Can they be made into pets; Can they become like a domesticated cat! NO! I dont think thats a smart idea. Who would think such a thing; Well; A 5 year old?
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So; this tells me I have the maturity of a 5 year old; if I think Im going to get involved with Vampires or female Jackals and try to save them; Especially when they were never crying out to be helped or saved or confessed they wanted to change.. I would still not help them; I would suggest help agencies within the city; start their. I would always recommend a good 12 step group of some kind; Start their... I would have boundaries and stay clear of them.
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Who then shall I attract?
I will attract who God has sent me down my GOD Pathway; They will manifest; and come to me in the middle of my pathway; only when Im ready and my frequency is high enough to match theirs.
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D; Losing weight. I am much older and cant keep the weight off. I will get it off if I truly want to... THings must change; Ill have to turn into a diet fiend. This will happen when Im ready... GOd help me!!!
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NOTE: I understand that ( to me); My First Love was about friendship; I was trying to create a solid long lasing friendship with my first Love. I tried to create a friendship with that girl but something was missing from her; she was not complete... She did not value what I valued and she did not value me nor friendship nor a relationship with me. In the end she did not value anything about me.. I meant nothing to her. IF I had known this at the beginning; I would have never pursued her... it was a complete waste of my time...
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This person could not be my friend nor wanted to be my friend; Could she value anyone's friendship...? But she would or could not value mine... Did not.
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So; in the future; I am looking to attract the right women; or plural to start with; with the idea of creating friendships and seeing how those women feel to me. How they feel while Im around them... Do they feel like someone I could sit with and talk for hours as a best friend or soulmate? Are they safe?
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I want a women who wants me; is attracted to me; Wants to sit next to me and talk and communicate and loves it so much; she wants it for the rest of her life. She wants to be with me for the rest of her life.
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My First Love did not want to be with me for the rest of her life or any part of her life; Knowing this;
I ran off...
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I will work with the universe concerning all that it takes to get up to speed to attracting the right kind of women who wants to be my friend...
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She will have to have money; SHe just will; Ill pray about it!
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She will appear down GOd's pathway; She will appear and be attracted to me; she will find me and walk toward me... she will want to get near me. She will want to be friends; she will want to sit down and talk to me and talk and talk and talk and she will want to listen and interact with me constantly; as if time has stood still; getting close to me and feeling good about communicating with me...
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CARS:
A new Add on; CAR;
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I believe Car represents my independence; and that means I have to move up spiritually to the age of 16-18.
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When it comes to cars and life; when I see a car; I automatically go into child mode; suddenly it feels like Im a child and my parents have come to pick me up within their car; that's what cars and the world feel like to me; That my emotional age is 6; and I mean it; Im regressed back to that age or never really left it... Im at an age of 5-6 8-9 year old; someone comes to pick me up in a car; My regressed mind is back at the age of a kid; The door opens; I jump in the back seat and Im taken care of; cars dont mean anything else to me; they are things my mother and father pick me up in to take care of me... They take me places and then drop me off or take me home.
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SO; Im writing this paragraph where this previous written upper paragraph about cars leaves off.. Im an 8 year old; and I want to be taken care of; When I see cars; I see my parents love; they came to take care of me; Im getting in the back seat and Im with my mother and father; they are taking me to get ice cream or taking me home; I get home; get out of my car and run inside and go to my room or go watch TV...
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THat is my age...
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So; Here I am an adult on the outside; I want transportation so I am taken care of. The best bet for allot of my vacation interests in the summer is a car; but i do not have the cash for this or the go-a-head from God. Nor do I have complete answers for this... I mean I could... I guess. I see GOd not stopping me from going to the places I want to go on vacations; but I dont have permission to have a car. Its blocked.
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Im trying to unblock it... In order to do this; I would have to smash through the walls of repression from trauma and walk through a whole hidden life of sorrow grief and horror in order to grow again. Its to close to the death fields. I mean; something is up; Id have to walk through allot of past misery to grow up to age 16.
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I think the worst and hardest part is; this is a story or narrative about being up next to my parents; this is about my relationship with my parents; up close and personal; and some how after they abandon me; and I have to relive it; I go forward into some kind of God made new narrative? and strengthen that up into the age of 16 or 17 where Im ready for a car to drive me where I want go without my parent...
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Possibly those years of 16-17 are so sorrowful neglectful and sad and I just cant relive them; everything was thrown away; my life was completely thrown way and I had no life at that time; I was in a state of shock and horror. Id have to relieve all that; then with GOd's help; create a new narrative about the way I always wanted it to be.. Id have to work through false friends that betrayed me; that will be sorrowful and so painful... broken hearted...
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And some how; end up creating this new narrative that would get me to the right maturity age to have a car; thus; I would be attracted to independence and I would attract independence...
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And I can already feel the future; it would bust through the past; where Ive been hiding as a child; and I could not do that anymore; and I would have to let go of that narrative; and that's way to hard.
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Does God want me to do all this and grow up; grow up enough to have a car; go through all the re experiencing of mad trauma; horrible horrible abuse trauma..where Im thrown away an belittled.
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Does GOd want me to go through all this? Yes!!! OKE; I believe this.
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So; I believe GOd wants me to go through all these obstacles to grow up.
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Does GOd want me to have a car? YEs! I can see that; I can see Gods light shining on me while I write this.
SO; I have allot of ( getting on my knees to God) work to do concerning this.
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Problem?
PRIDE!~ \
I can already see the problem; I have to bow down to God the whole way through this; the whole way; on my knees with my head down bowing down to God staying out of it.
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In the end a car will appear down GOd pathway... And GOd will show up with the money for the car for Car-various-reasons...
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IF and when I go through this Maturing grow up stage; I will not have the same players with me when young; and that itself is horribly horribly traumatizing; in fact; this is the icicle the psychopaths were using against me; they created this wall that I could not break out of. I would have to face a past of being completely erased; my whole life; all my dreams.
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So; can God recreate a history pathway for me to take steps to walk out of where i don't kill myself from relieving the trauma? Because its so horrible?
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So; I have allot to talk with God about; to learn how to trust God again to go through this.
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Car; A car is a symbol of independence ive asked God for... So; both the car and Independence Ive asked God for.
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MUSIC CREATION: How is this going for me.
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Its a bit psuedo right now? Im listening to meditation on creativity first and then attempting to write some music stuff; fooling around. Notation program
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The goal is to fool-around all day with it without any walls up or resistance. Im trying to work through resistance.. If I knew where the resistance exists; maybe i could smash through it; its all very frustrating..
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One area I have going for me; because of all the spiritual work; I am able to sit down for short time periods and create. So; I may try that; very short spurts of working with the software several times a day…
Start their..
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I have resistance.
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I mention in this blog having anger and resistance concerning owning a car… My history concerning cars has stopped me from buying a car. I just cant go into that reality… It opens up other realities.. and Im triggered by hatred and anger.
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Im afraid music is no different. However, I am showing some progress; it looks like it will take months of fighting with this and trying different plans to over come in order to bring me out of an automatic dissociation state when ever getting close to using notation software...and creating with it.
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As I write; my whole grade school experience has come up; simply because I mentioned using notation software.
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Thus; Im getting triggered from many time periods when using notation software.
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My goal is to work through all of this trauma to a point I can handle experimenting with notation software as much during a day as I want… to be intimately connected to this music experience and feel like Im right in line with my inner being and the universe.
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ART: I had a full alignment happened the other day; it seems to have brought Art almost to a point of full self actualization.
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OTHER AREAS
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Money…. Ill be trying manifestation and other means to loss the grip of defensiveness… I would like to be connected at a frequency with money of a positive aspect; Ill be working on that.
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Sometimes a person has to step back; Im to close to the things Im defensive about; and unfortunately; that means just about everything; and certainly every area dealing with social life; Schooling job work; relationships; talents; family; money. Cars; vacations; on n on.
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So; The key is to go general; step way way way back; step back so far; I can think or feel about it; the object of interest without being affected by it; let my first feeling come out about it; and thats what Im learning how to do with all of this new stuff Im dealing with concerning the outside world.
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Im interested in re entering the outside world as I get a bit better.
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