July 2025
June 2025
I was mad today...
I saw this women; I was heading toward a meeting... She visits those places at times; She does not like me. She does not find me attractive... Zero... Im a bit stronger these days; Still; it hurts... ITs not just her and its not just this time period; Ive been around many time periods of people who despised me to the point of having nothing but contempt from a stuck-up point of view; to the point I never looked at anyone anymore or acknowledged anyone anymore. I never bothered with people anymore... Im worth more then to be spit on by half the human race! I mean; seriously.
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Ive talked About The First Love I had. Did God send her to me... I dont know; I would say NO! If God did; I was not following Gods instructions and thus; she left.
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Ive mentioned the girl that does not find me attractive from the meetings; Did God send her to me. I dont think so. In other words; did I get in touch with God completely; and while being in unison with God; Did I ask the request of a girlfriend; and did I stay in unison with God afterword at least enough to meditate for several minutes. THe idea is; meditate first to get into alignment and universe within God; like being in a box with God; a special sphere; a place of dreams and manifestations; its where God hangout... Ive been told; thats the best time to ask God for assistance.
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Concerning any of the women Ive mentioned so far; did I ever talk to God first; NO! Was I in that box like vortex with God in unison alignment and meditation; NO!
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Have I ever been? concerning women; NO~!
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NOTE: Im walking out and around blindly; I see some women I find attractive and she doesnt like me. And Im like; Are all women blindly suppose to find me attractive and like me. Im like; NO! Im now telling myself to cool out with the Narcissism... I have to put more Trust in God and less trust in being a Narcissist and maybe Ill have a chance to follow through and work Gods plans..
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Ive never worked through God to get a girlfriend. Ive fooled around with the idea in the past. many times... I was proven that I can manifest and attract; I proved God exists; I proved 20 million dollars can be sitting in front of me and I at the right place and time; no doubt about it... I can manifest it in front of me. But did I ever actually manifest the ownership of 20 million dollars; No! That's a whole other animal; I never believed I was good enough so it never happened.
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So; I got mad today because it seems like everything else is going my way accept the harder areas; and these are areas I havent believed could happen for me... Girlfriend is one of them. Low self esteem to ever meet the right person.
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NOTE: With my track record with people; Horrible; and worse; my track record with women; Not really ever been any women in my life so its zero... I mean; literally zero... for bad or good; they never been apart of my life; they just have never been... Not yet...
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As I write and read what Ive written; I believe the low self esteem is coming from the abuse of my mother and father; I feel the attacks. And feel the low self worth and self esteem created from it..
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So; Im working with God to believe again...
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However; did I ever work with God on a girlfriend.. NO! I mean; sure I thought I might have; did I; No!
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So; the anger or sorrow or frustration is simple; Im angry and impatient with God; but Ive never worked with God on this subject. Never actually put God up front next to me; thus finding my way into GOd and then asking God for a girlfriend; and then staying meditative and just sitting here and allowing the universe to take over; allowing God to take over; and waiting upon God... Because GOd is the one who picks them. I continue to develop down the energy river of God; down GOds pathways and I stay strait on course. And then; thus; see who shows up when manifested.
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Have I dont all this; NO!
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So Im bitching about something Ive not actually ever really worked at...
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I have allot of low self esteem that needs to be addressed and other problems; commitment problems.
Im barely able to understand Im not being put down my parents anymore... So God has taken their place...
So; I would like to day I have allot to learn from GOd; that's not what I aught to be saying; I have learned nothing from God concerning this journey; Ive never actually been on this journey before with GOd.
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So; My biggest concern is getting used to being with GOd on this journey. THis beginning course is about getting to know GOd down my course or pathway working with God moment by moment on this subject; And their it is; this is what hurts so much; getting so close to God on a daily basis for manifesting something in the real world.
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Im wonting to break out... but that's not what I really want. I want to go into GOd and stay there and then let God drive the bus and pick up who God needs to pick up and I stay here and stay out of it. And then suddenly because Im alignment with GOd; THey show up around me and I recognize them as someone sent by GOd... And that last statement is a hard one; " Recognize them as someone sent by GOd". Ive got to stick to my guns and not dissociate or AVPD on people... Stop avoiding and running away. OR running away at those crucial times Id be with someone.
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PROBLEMS;
Im seeing my early childhood; being taken from my home; all of this; the loss of my childhood; it all starts to show up when I talk about working with God and getting a girlfriend. So; theres allot of dissociation and past trauma and CPTSD... and many other things reliving triggered my mind wont allow me to go back there; because I cant bring it back its gone and the grief is to much...
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So; Ill work with God on all of this.
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So; Im screaming about the discipline to trust God and learn to meditate and just sit.. do not act.. become absorbed into God; ask for what I want; and wait. Dont do anything else; no movement. Let myself settle in down Gods pathway. I can write up ideas and help out through prayer and meditation and writing stories about what I want and drawing pictures of the whole of the events I want to manifest... But leave it all in the hands of God and stay out of it; keep my emotions to my hobbies and stay out of helping God figure out who is suppose to be in my life.
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ILL HAVE TO CHANGE:
I know Ill have to clean up as I become more interested in what is interesting in reality. I have so much work to do. Ill stay close to God and ask lots of questions. And learn to stay on my path; No AVP disordering; Try to stay on my path and stay awake; How about I try that first...
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Im trying to break this low self imagine my parents gave me; that will be the first change I think Ill work with GOd on.
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